Brainscan (1994)

Tagline: Wanna play? I dare you.

Curiosity: Frank Langella played Skeletor in Masters of the Universe, so he gets a lifetime pass from me. Plus, I always wondered what else Edward Furlong did with his life.

Plot: Jaded, insultingly wealthy gamer Michael (Furlong) checks out a new video game that hypnotizes players into thinking what they play is real. The first level, in which Michael kills a dude and cuts off his foot, looks so real… BECAUSE IT IS REAL DEAR GOD. An otherwordly Primus fan named Trickster (T. Ryder Smith, who went to voice Baron Ünderbheit in the excellent Venture Bros. cartoon) comes out of Michael’s TV and forces him to kill, kill, kill. Will Michael be able to stop Trickster? Can he save himself from Detective Hayden’s (Langella) investigation? More importantly, will he talk to the girl he likes (Amy Hargreaves)?

Thoughts: Welp, this is the first time I watched a movie specifically for this blog and not just because it was hilariously bad/awesome. Brainscan isn’t particularly good. Langella doesn’t get to do much here. Given that the movie is ultimately a sermon against horror films and those damn video games, maybe that’s for the best. Gore is on the cheap side, if it appears at all. As it turns out, Brainscan heavily favors telling over showing. I’m pretty sure the filmmakers blew their budget on Trickster’s first scene.

What the movie does offer in abundance, however, is Furlong being a whiny little bitch. Dude’s room takes up a whole floor. He has his own refrigerator! He can drink soda whenever he wants to! He owns a ton of movies and video games and his computer talks to him! Man, I wish technology worked like it did in the movies. Brainscan promised me a world where phones are intelligent but Star 69 doesn’t exist. Getting back to Furlong, his character could’ve cut the film’s 96-minute running time in half if he had turned himself in. Or stopped playing that game that made him kill people. Here’s a typical scene:

Michael: I can’t talk to girls. Also, a video game totally made me kill a guy. In response, I’m going to play the game again and kill again and feel bad about it again.

The film coasts on Furlong’s ability to piss himself. Also he cuddles a severed foot.

Reflection: I had to take a break from this movie so I could sleep off some of the pain. I could’ve been reading Harriet Doerr’s Consider This, Señora.

Bloodsport (1988)

Tagline: The secret contest where the world’s greatest warriors fight in a battle to the death.

Curiosity: Considering how strongly I support gay issues, I feel like I should watch more gay cinema. Also, the film came packaged with my copy of Showdown in Little Tokyo.

Plot: Based on the TOTALLY REAL LIFE STORY of Frank Dux (Jean-Claude Van Damme), Bloodsport chronicles a white guy’s attempt to be the first Westerner to win the Kumite, a fighting tournament held in Hong Kong. Will he be able to defeat an international cartel of warriors, including last year’s winner, Chong Li ( Bolo Yeung)? Will the U.S. government shut him down before he even gets that far? WILL HE TELL RAY JACKSON (Donald “Ogre” Gibb) THAT HE LOVES HIM?!

Thoughts: Though he’s been a joke for a decade or two, it’s easy to see why so many people thought Jean-Claude Van Damme would be a star thanks to Bloodsport. The guy looks good throughout the film – his fight scenes are intense, his English is passable, he’s at ease with comedy, and he can do a perfect freaking split. Say what you will about what came later *cough Street Fighter cough*, but Van Damme delivers an incredible performance in Bloodsport.

In fact, the film is incredible almost across the board, as long we’re talking about the tournament itself. Bloodsport has two distractions: love interest Janice Kent (Leah Ayres) isn’t that interesting, and a subplot about U.S. government agents (a young Forest Whitaker and a not-so-young Norman Burton) doesn’t pay off at all. But within the context of the Kumite, Bloodsport is a kickass fightin’ flick. Yeung, who doest not look 49 at the time of filming, is downright terrifying as the warrior Chong Li. Dude knows how to give the crazy eyes. The chemistry between Van Damme and Gibb is palpable; they really do seem like friends.

Bloodsport is also remarkable because of how gradual it is about the whole fighting experience. I know training montages are cliché, but Bloodsport takes the time to explain Dux’s past – via montage – before getting to the gory details. It’s a great payoff.

Reflection: I’m pretty that this was the inspiration for Mortal Kombat’s Johnny Cage. Punching testes works against er’rybody but Goro. Also, The Quest, which also starred Van Damme, totally ripped this movie off.

Showdown in Little Tokyo (1991)

Tagline: One’s a warrior. One’s a wise guy. They’re two L.A. cops going after a gang of drug lords. Feet first.

Curiosity: Like I said in my Punisher post, I love Dolph Lundgren.

Plot: Police veteran Chris Kenner (Lundy) has to figure out how to get along with his new partner, Johnny Murata (Brandon Lee). See, Murata is kind of a smart ass. Plus, the Yakuza, headed by Funekei Yoshida (Motha-effin’ Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) are trying to kill him. Which makes protecting Minako Okeya (Tia Carrere), a key witness to the crime syndicate’s dirty work, difficult. Also, Yoshida totally killed Kenner’s parents!

Thoughts: While his career started to cool down in the ’90s, I would still definitely love to be Dolph Lundgren. Yeah, I love his B-movies, but did you know that he has a master’s degree in chemical engineering? And that he holds a third degree black belt in karate? He won the European Buttwhoopin’ championships in 1980 and 1981. Dude even helped organize the 1996 Olympics! He is perhaps the perfect man.

Anyway, back to the film. It’s a little low budget, and the fight scenes are a little short for my taste. But, man, what a cast. You get Lundgren at his Lundiest – love that voice, and he looks wicked jacked here. And he actually knows karate! So cool! Lundy’s moves aren’t as flashy as Lee’s, but his economy of movement lends an air of believability, especially in this early scene where he takes on gang members whilst enjoying a cup of green tea (fast forward about seven minutes):

A pre-Crow Lee holds his own as well, though his character doesn’t get nearly enough screen time. Still, he gets the best one-liners. The film has a gag throughout about how the Miranda Rights don’t really matter (This is the LAPD after all). After Lundy and Lee give up on trying to compile evidence to take down the Yakuza in court and just focus on killing the bad guys, Lee gets in a mighty fine/awful zinger before blowing a villain up – “You have the right to be dead.” Watching Showdown just reminded me how much potential the guy had as an actor.

I really think Tagawa’s capacity as a villain depends solely on his ability to scrunch up his face:

That guy looks like he smells doggie doo at every turn.

As for Carerre, she plays the most well-adjusted rape victim I have ever seen.

Director Mark Lester (Commando) delivers a pretty good knockaround flick overall. At 79 minutes, Showdown doesn’t waste time on exposition or pesky character development. I could do without all the fake books, though. Thems be scarier than Tagawa on a bad day.

Reflection: The death scenes are ridiculous. Lundgren is a large man.

Patrick Swayze 1952-2009

Patrick Swayze passed away Monday after a 20-month battle against pancreatic cancer. That's a hell of a fight, but I wouldn't expect anything less from the man behind Dalton in Road House and Bodhi in Point Break (and Pecos Bill in Tall Tale: The Unbelievable Adventures of Pecos Bill. Where my '90s brethren at?). Swayze was an actor who could hit every demographic - mainstream and cult, guy and gal. He was a lover and a fighter, and he had a sense of humor about his own fame. I'll always love him for Road House and Point Break, but he's got plenty of other iconic moments in his canon - Red Dawn, Ghost, Dirty Dancing, Donnie Darko, The Outsiders, North and South, and of course, the Chipendale's sketch from Saturday Night Live. But enough from me. Let's celebrate the man with my two favorite Swayze moments:

Patrick Swayze - Chippendale
by tressage

Mortal Kombat (1995)

Tagline: FIGHT! Subtle.

Curiosity: I’m going through a “How much does my childhood hold up” phase right now.

Plot: In this loose adaptation of the first two video games of the same name, Mortal Kombat tells the story of three fighters (Liu Kang, Johnny Cage, and Veronica Vau… er, Sonya Blade) guided by the god of lightning, Raiden, on their quest for vengeance and/or saving the world via punching. Standing in their way is Shang Tsung, a soul-sucking sorcerer from another dimension with an army of evil warriors. The opposing sides do battle in a tournament called… MORTAL KOMBAT.

Thoughts: Even when it came out in 1995, conventional wisdom already held that movies based on video games sucked, a la Super Mario Bros., Double Dragon, and MK’s rival, Street Fighter (for the record, I saw all of these films in theaters when I was a kid). Director Paul W.S. Anderson (who went on to direct Event Horizon, Death Race, and a lot of shit) took a big risk helming this, his second film, but that risk paid off hugely. Mortal Kombat grossed over $100 million dollars, and still stands as the best video game movie of all time.

Mortal Kombat succeeds where numerous Uwe Boll films failed by incorporating enough of its source material to get by. I’ve always preferred interpretations that capture a story’s spirit over every last detail, and that goes double for video game movies. These sort of plots tend to be sparse yet stupid. Anderson and scriptwriter Kevin Droney capture the main points – fighting, end of the world, fighting, palate-swapping, fighting, fatalities, and fighting. They even incorporate phrases from the game – “Finish him,” “Flawless victory,” etc. decently. So while Christopher Lambert’s Raiden doesn’t have much in common with his vg counterpart and Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa’s Shang Tsung is significantly younger, it doesn’t matter, because both actors still kick ass. Lambert is snarky; Tagawa in one evil mother. It’s super weird thinking that he’d go on to play the goofy grandfather in Johnny Tsunami.

The film isn’t perfect – the CGI has aged horribly, the plot gets weaker as it goes along, and there’s a really awkward sexist moment when everyone starts ragging on Sonya Blade as a fighter. Chick stone cold killed Kano! C’mon! But Robin Shou is awesome as Liu Kang. Everything about the guy is exaggerated yet compact – the pecs, the main o’ hair, the bicycle kicks. But as cool as Shou is, soap star Linden Ashby’s Johnny Cage is cooler by a mile.

Cage is the comic relief of the trio, so he gets the funniest lines. His love interest is Sonya Blade, a.k.a. Bridgette Wilson, a.k.a Veronica Vaughn, a.k.a. Whitney from Last Action Hero. And he gets the two coolest fight scenes. First he takes on Scorpion:

If it weren’t for the fact that he gets to do squat diddily in the movie, Scorpion would be the coolest character in the movie. He’s a ninja who can harpoon you with a serpent thingy which he shoots javascript:void(0)out of his hand. But Cage holds his own. Righteous. Then he takes on Goro, who easily racks up the highest body count in the movie, using unconventional means:

It’s a shame the film’s sequel Mortal Kombat: Annihilation sucked so hard.

Reflection: On second thought, it’s totally bullshit that Johnny Cage can use his Split Punch on Goro. That shit does not work in the game.

The Sleepaway Camp series (1983-2008)

Taglines: …you won’t be coming home! / Kids can be so mean / blah blah blah.

Curiosity: I like slasher movies. Plus, the ending to the original is kind of notorious.

Plots: Friday the 13th rip-offs across the board – horny kids at summer camp get gutted.

Thoughts: The Sleepaway Camp series goes through enough different phases over the course of its four films (five if you count the unfinished Sleepaway Camp IV: The Survivor… or next year’s Sleepaway Camp Reunion, I guess). The original is the clearest carbon copy of the original Friday the 13th, in that it’s a whodunit filled with point of view shots of the killer committing acts of murder most foul. It’s not particularly well-made, but it boasts one of my all-time favorite twist endings. It’s kind of hard to write about the series as a whole because of this, so forgive me if this post is a little vague with details.

Sleepaway Camp II: Unhappy Campers goes a more straightforward route than its predecessor. Viewers always know the killer’s identity (It’s Pamela Springsteen, Bruce Springsteen’s sister), but in exchange they get better kill set-ups, however cheap-looking they are at times, plus boobs. A lot of boobs. Sleepaway Camp III: Teenage Wasteland followed a year later, and it sucks. Springsteen runs a girl over with a truck and steals her identity in the whiz-bang opening scene, but the film quickly degrades into unimaginative kills and poor plotting. As cheesy as Unhappy Campers gets at times, it still has a thread of logic that runs throughout. Springsteen only kills people she thinks are morally corrupted (or on to her secret), and she actually makes attempts to cover up the murders. Plus, there’s some really weird tidbits thrown in. Teenage Wasteland, meanwhile, has her killing indiscriminately, and a majority of the kills consist of simple beatdowns. The lamest murder weapon is a gun, which is better suited for action films. Slashers are defined by their kill scenes; a gun has to be the laziest device that isn’t a cliché (Excluding Maniac, of course).

Return to Sleepaway Camp, released 25 years after Sleepaway Camp and helmed by original writer/director Robert Hiltzik, is oddly enough the strongest entry in the series. It reprises the killer POV style (and primary cast) from the original to better effect, with copious amounts of oddball humor thrown in by lead Michael Gibney. Plus, there’s another great twist ending. Even though Hiltzik is bent on creating his own trilogy and ignoring II and III, I’d argue that Unhappy Campers is worth including. It’s not a murder mystery, but it still offers plenty of kills ‘n’ boobs.

That being said, I worked my way backwards with these films – Return to Sleepaway Camp is the first movie I saw, and it functions well on its own (although, again, I was aware of the original’s ending). It helps to have an awareness of the original’s plot, but it’s not necessary. If anything, it’s better to go in completely blind – it makes the twist ending feel more random. It’s also the only one I’d say is funny and good. The rest of the series is funny and bad.

Reflection: These movies made me appreciate my summers at Camp Delmont a lot more. So, uh… thanks dad.

Also, anyone else notice how Isaac Hayes, who died during filming, pretty much disappears from Return to Sleepaway Camp halfway through without an explanation?

Severed Ties (1992)

Tagline: Science out of control. Horror out on a limb. That second part is a joke.

Curiosity: My friend Scott recommended it. He’s a horror buff who’s turned me on to films like Zombi 2, Demons, and High Tension. Basically, if he says it’s good, I take it as biblical law.

Plot: Scientist Harrison Harrison [Not a typo.] is trying to recreate his father’s lizard-based formula for regrowing body tissue while being creepily touched by his lustful, incestuous mother. He pulls a Doc Connors 2x by having his arm ripped off while trying to prevent an evil corporation from stealing his research. So, he uses the formula on himself and grows a new arm, but it’s sentient, reptilian, and occasionally murderous. Also, it can detach from his body at will. Also also, Harrison Harrison joins a hobo army.

Thoughts: Scott enticed me with a goofy gore flick, and that’s what I got. While Severed Ties lives up to its name and promise, it’s not on the same level as, say, Devil’s Rejects.

That said, I have to marvel at the cast. You’ve got Oliver Reed (Gladiator) as the bad guy and Garrett Morris (Saturday Night Live) as the main hobo. Harrison is played by Billy Morrissette, who went on to write and direct the phenomenal Scotland, Pa. with his now ex-wife, Maura Tierney. Weird times.

The plot doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, but there are enough bizarre sideplots (incest, romancing the homeless, face-ripping) to distract from that. On the gore side, there are a few nice bits spread throughout, but Severed Ties comes off a little conservative compared to the quote unquote “torture porn” of today. Overall, it’s not great, but it’s still a weirdly enticing flick from before CGI’s rise to prominence.

Reflection: I don’t think science works like that. Also, this film is evidence that narrators are rarely necessary.

Ninja Vengeance (1988)

Tagline: You can't fight the evil forces of power without the power of force. Give whoever wrote that lil nugget a raise!

Curiosity: It was either this or The Wild One with Marlon Brando. I chose… poorly.

Plot: Not to be confused with Revenge of the Ninja, Ninja Vengeance revolves around an American ninja, the fearsomely named Chris, as he journeys to a convention or whatever. But his sweet motorcycle breaks down in Texas, which Chris’s training in deception and death cannot rectify. After going to a mechanic [Best, unnecessarily angry line of the film: “So you want me to FIX THIS FOR YA?!”], Chris gets caught up in local Texas politics, which apparently involves huge, heaping amounts of racism.

After he witnesses the death of a black law student, Chris knows what he must do: Run like the dickens. Yes, a majority of Ninja Vengeance is about running away from the Ku Klux Klan. Here’s the one good fight scene:

Thoughts: This flick is in a hurry to go nowhere. Flash the opening title – BAM! – cut to a quick explanation of ninjitsu – WHAM! – and then here come the boobs – BOOBS! – and then… nothing happens for like 40 minutes. Chris walks around town watching racism in action. And what racism it is! That law student I mentioned gets hassled for trying to order the breakfast special at a diner. How dare he try to eat well AND save money? The noive!

I’m a little confused by the Ninja Vengeance title, since Chris does very little ninjitsu and even less avenging. He’s got this one flip move that he uses a lot, but mostly he just runs from racist cops with the daughter of a Klan member in tow. Dude spends a lot of time saying things like, “I’m not supposed to fight! Ohhhhh…” Hand wringing abounds.

Reflection: How many ninja movies can you name that prominently feature banjo music? The answer may surprise you.

UPDATE: So, I watched The Wild One, and it's actually worse. Assholes on motorcycles for 90 minutes. Got-damn youths, why I grumble, grumble...

The Punisher (1989)

Tagline: If society won’t punish the guilty, he will.

Curiosity: Dolph Lundgren. ’Nuff said.

Plot: After his family is killed by a car bomb, Frank Castle launches a one-man war against the mob, with 125 kills in five years. Everyone thinks Castle died in the same explosion, except for his ex-partner, aging cop Jake Berkowitz (Louis Gossett Jr.). Berkowitz is trying to find Castle and, I don’t know, get him into counseling or something. I mean, the dude went ape shit and killed 125 people [Spoiler alert: He kills another 60 in the movie]. But Castle’s personal war takes a turn when the Japanese gangsters in the Yakuza kidnap several Mafia heads’ children. Castle may be a killer, but he also loves cute lil kiddies. What he does could determine the outcome of this gang war.

Also, he spends a lot of time in the sewers, either yelling at God while nude or riding a motorcycle.

Thoughts: The original entry in the Punisher trilogy (Yeah, I said it) is surprisingly strong. Lundgren’s American accent had really come along by this point. I’m a huge Masters of the Universe fan, but Lundy lapses into Swedish territory whenever he has to yell in that film. A mere two years later, Punisher finds him delivering all of the nihilism the character requires. It’s pretty great how straight-forward he plays the character. At this point, Castle’s already been in the game for five years. He’s less angry or sad, more just numb by this point, save for those truly pivotal nude scenes when he talks to God.

Considering it came out a decade before Marvel’s golden era of cinema, The Punisher holds up pretty well. Castle isn’t a particularly complex character; he kills guys out of a vengeance that can never be quenched. He uses guns a lot. And he wears black. The movie hits those three points, though it does notably cut the Punisher skull symbol, as well as the character’s Vietnam backstory. But those seem like plausible additions; Vietnam would’ve aged the character too much. And the skull, while cool, is essentially a target. Director Mark Goldblatt, whose editing credentials include G-Force, X-Men: The Last Stand, and xXx: State of the Union, wisely dropped the symbol in favor of a more realistic all-black costume, something Christopher Nolan would later do with his Batman relaunch.

Speaking of Batman, Tim Burton’s first take on the character came out the same year as The Punisher, and while it clearly made more bank, it’s also clearly the worse film 20 years later. The horrible Prince soundtrack, the obvious fact that Michael Keaton can’t move in the batsuit, and Burton’s overall lack of understanding of the characters leaves a lot to be desired. It wasn’t until Nolan came in for Batman Begins that Bruce Wayne got a worthy film.

The Punisher, however, got it right the first time. Viewers get a guy who shoots guns at mobsters. Done and done.

Reflection: I want to have a Lundgren movie marathon. I gotta track down a copy of Showdown in Little Tokyo.