The Complete Works of Quentin Tarantino (1992-2009)

Tagline: Pop culture reference!

Curiosity: With the release of the Quentin Tarantino Ultimate Collection, it’s pretty easy to scope out the controversial director’s entire filmography, outside of Four Rooms and Inglourious Basterds.

Plots: Witty characters try to kill each other while screaming racial epithets.

Thoughts: Along with the work Kevin Smith and George Lucas, Quentin Tarantino’s films are essential viewing for high school students. At that age, Reservoir Dogs and Pulp Fiction hit their hardest thanks to sensationalistic dialogue and violence. But unlike Smith or Lucas, Tarantino’s work ages with his audience, but I’ll get to that later.

Dogs and Pulp made Tarantino’s name and, for about a decade, were the only bright spots in his legacy. While he’s written some good scripts (From Dusk Til Dawn), ultimately his vision can only be distilled by the man himself. You recognize a Tarantino film when you see it – the dialogue snaps. It’s rapid fire and it’s packed with allusions to other work, either directly or symbolically. The violence is extreme. In every Tarantino movie, characters are perpetually about to be ousted, from the failed robbers (and one undercover cop) in Reservoir Dogs to the Allied spies and Nazis in Inglourious Basterds.

But you have to see those movies at a young age. Reservoir Dogs has some great, iconic performances, with Michael Madsen as the psychopathic Vic Vega standing out, although Harvey Keitel, Tim Roth, and Steve Buscemi handle themselves nicely as well. But the film showcases Tarantino’s greatest weakness – he so badly wants to make a blaxploitation film. The almighty N word gets tossed around a lot in Tarantino’s dialogue, so much so in Dogs that it kind of derails the film once you get a little older. I always thought Spike Lee played the race card too much, but he was absolutely right when he called Tarantino racist, as far as Reservoir Dogs is concerned. The racial stuff doesn’t really contribute to the plot or all the all-white cast, so its rampant use is off-putting.

Everything else Tarantino did in the ’90s feels like an apology for his glib behavior in Dogs. Befriending Samuel L. Jackson was a good start. It’s great watching the interplay between Jackson’s fury and John Travolta’s more dialed down approach in Pulp Fiction as a couple of hitmen. Their stories bookend the film, which is broken up into three vignettes. In the middle is Bruce Willis, who tends to get the shaft when people talk about Pulp Fiction. And when fucking Bruce Willis can’t get top billing, you know a movie must be good.

Pulp Fiction is undeniably Tarantino’s finest moment in the ’90s. The pacing is tight, the cast is great, and the dialogue is simply amazing. It’s a pity, then, that Tarantino’s follow-up, Jackie Brown, isn’t as good. I found its bloated length, straightforward storytelling, and lack of violence underwhelming in high school, and while I found the film more compelling this time around, I still found it disappointing. Still, watching Pam Grier try to outwit Samuel L. Jackson’s gun smuggler is occasionally entertaining, and it arguably features one of Robert De Niro’s last great performances.

Tarantino needed time to grow as a filmmaker, and he came back with vengeance – literally. Kill Bill parts one and two tell the tale of the Bride (Uma Thurman), a former assassin left in a coma by her compatriots. Having lost her baby and the last few years of her life, she’s looking to settle a few scores, especially with the titular Bill (David Carradine). The first part is all action, the second mostly dialogue, but they form a cohesive, entertaining story, with knockout cast. Thurman stands out, delivering a performance that alternates from grief to rage in several shades. Never has an actor radiated so many different kinds of pissed, and it turns out she’s solid action chops too. On the flipside, Carradine is seductive as the bad guy, leading the movies from simple revenge fantasy to a more complex drama. This is Tarantino’s best work, although Inglourious Basterds might be just as good.



In between the two, unfortunately, is Death Proof. One half of a double feature with his friend Robert Rodriguez dubbed Grindhouse, Death Proof stars Kurt Russell as a murderous stuntman who hunts down women in his “death proof” car. It’s a jumbled uneven mess. Parts of the film nail ’70s Roger Corman-sploitation horror, and Russell is such a good villain and appears to be having a fun time, but the film has too many dry spells. Like all Tarantino movies, extreme violence punctuates lengthy scenes of dialogue, but this time out the lines really aren’t all that clever, which means the movie is often boring. Still, it’s got Kurt Russell. That dude rocks.

Death Proof was just a genre exercise, though. Tarantino got back to more epic storytelling with the war movie Inglourious Basterds. Set over the course of four years during World War II and told in four languages, it’s perhaps his most ambitious film next to Kill Bill. Each scene is fraught with tension. Granted, every Tarantino movie has characters who are perpetually about to either catch somebody or be caught themselves, but it’s most true and effective here. Spies and refugees try to hide from and blend in with the brightest of the Nazi army, resulting in a cat and mouse game where players frequently shift positions of power.

There are plenty of knocks against Tarantino – he borrows a lot from other movies. He exploits racial tensions. He was in Little Nicky. But he still creates adrenaline-filled, witty movies. If you get anything out of this essay, it should be this: Buy Pulp Fiction, Kill Bill parts one and two, and Inglourious Basterds. Everything else is up for debate, but these movies aren’t.

Reflection: I probably could have just done an essay on each film, huh?

Ninja Assassin (2009)

Tagline: Fear not the weapon but the hand that weilds it.

Curiosity: I LIKE NINJAS!

Plot: We open on a bunch of Asian gangsters being super tough. They do super tough things like get tattoos and hang out with their shirts off. And they’re all like, “We are so tough.” But then ninjas kill them dead, establishing that ninjas are tougher than tough guys.

Then this boring agent lady (Naomie Harris, Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy) talks for a long time. I fell asleep during this part like three times.

Then we meet Raizo (Korean pop sensation Rain, who also starred in I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK. I want to see this movie based on the title alone). He’s hanging out, doing laundry, when ninjas get all up in his business.

Then boring agent lady does more talking for like another half-hour. Jesus Christo.

At some point ninjas fight, and there’s some bullet time involved. I don’t remember.

Thoughts: Ninja Assassin’s opening scene is so awesomely awesome that it probably should have ended right there. Just gimme five minutes of ninjas killin’ shit and call it a day. Sadly, the filmmakers saw fit to introduce this infernal plot in which a renegade ninja and Europol agent try to take down one of the nine ninja clans in the world. At times, the film weirdly recalls Braveheart and Aliens, especially the latter once the ninjas start fighting marines or whatever. Ninja Assassin can’t find a balance between action and plot-advancement, and becomes this bi-polar movie that’s both boring and overstimulating.

But at times it’s gloriously, hilariously bad. The film depends on characters all having birth defects resulting in their organs being misplaced, thereby allowing them to surviving getting what should be some fatal stabbings. The movie also relies on the Inverse Ninja Law, which states that one ninja is a death machine while multiple ninjas become useless and easily defeated. Ninja Assassin is woefully uneven, but when it fully embraces its B-movie status, it really comes through.

Reflection: Could have done without all the awkward zooms, though.

TMNT (2007)

Tagline: Raising shell in 2007.

Curiosity: It’s a belated sequel/reboot. And Leonardo and Raphael fight each other!

Plot: Set some time after Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III, TMNT finds the turtles divided. Leonardo has been in South America training to be a better leader. Donatello and Michelangelo are leading less interesting lives as a computer support technician and children’s birthday party entertainer, respectively. Raphael, angry and impulsive as ever, has taken up an alter ego, the Nightwatcher, and fights crime, unbeknownst to his family. But when the Foot Clan, stone warriors, and 13 monsters from another dimension start making trouble in New York City, the turtles must come together and fight as one.

Thoughts: TMNT is a film of compromise. It was made using CGI so as to cut down on costs. It juggles action, humor, morals, and dark themes. As a result, it’s neither the most compelling Turtles film (Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles) or the funniest (The Secret of the Ooze). But it ropes in an impressive voice cast (Mako, Sarah Michelle Geller, Chris Evans, and Patrick Stewart, among others), and Imagi Animation Studio provides great visuals.

The movie’s plot isn’t especially interesting – needs more Shredder – but it re-establishes the characters after 14 years away from the big screen. Better yet, the film offers up a series of amazing animations. Sure, it makes the film somewhat unbalanced, as scenes that advance the story kill time in between stellar vignettes, but there’s a strong series of visuals all the same. The highlight of the movie is clearly the showdown between Leonardo and Raphael about halfway through the movie. The characters have always butted heads, but none of the previous movies addressed those tensions quite so viscerally, and it’s clear that Imagi went out of its way to make this scene count. The brothers battle it out in the rain, under NYC lights, with all their might. TMNT depends on nostalgia, but damn if this fight didn’t get my heart pumping.

Other highlights include Michelangelo skateboarding through the sewers, as well as when the good guys storm the bad guys’ lair. Three years after its release, TMNT holds up well. Some of the human models look unfinished, but the turtles look great, and they’re the ones that count the most. Like I said, this is a movie of compromise. It isn’t the funniest or most action-packed, but it’s also less ridiculous or sterile compared to II or III. I still prefer the first two films, but TMNT is a welcome addition.

Reflection: Ha ha, remember Cute is What We Aim For? Why the hell is Casey Jones listening to them? Bring back the hip-hop.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

Tagline: Ancient Japan 1503. Without a map, without a clue, without a pizza.

Curiosity: It features the triumphant return of Corey Feldman to the role of Donatello, as well as Elias Koteas as Casey Jones.

Plot: April (Paige Turco) is ready for a vacation, but she stops at a flea market to pick up some gifts for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Splinter before she goes. She picks out an ancient Japanese lantern to give to Splinter, but it opens up a portal in time before she can do so. The lantern switches two people at a time, so when April gets sent to Japan in the 1500s, Prince Kenshin (Henry Hayashi) gets dragged to New York City 1993. The turtles go back in time to rescue April, but they quickly become embroiled political strife.

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III has better fight scenes than Secret of the Ooze, but that’s not saying much considering Ooze was toned down to satisfy oversensitive parents. At least Ooze had humor, though. III’s dialogue is a chore to sit through, as each line consists of clichés and/or lazy references to pop culture. Why the fuck would the Turtles shout “Schwing!” when April rips herself a short skirt? That’s interspecies erotica you’re playing with, man. Knock it off.

The special effects are also lacking compared to previous installments, which unfortunately coincides with the Jim Henson Company’s departure from the series after Ooze. Mouth movements don’t synch up with voices, especially in Splinter’s case.

Even things that should be boons, like the return of Feldman, are annoying. Suddenly Donatello has SO MUCH TO SAY ALL THE TIME, and plenty of it is stuffed with made-up scientific facts about time travel. III is tolerable, but just barely. All it really does successfully is remind me how much I like the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Reflection: The soundtrack features “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. Twice.

Tron: Legacy (2010)

Tagline: Now with 80% less title character!

Curiosity: It’s a sequel to a sci-fi cult classic starring Jeff Bridges. And Daft Punk supplied the soundtrack! That’s neat.

Plot: Kevin Flynn (Bridges) disappeared some 20 years ago, but his legacy lives on through his son Sam (Garrett Hedlund), who occasionally shows up at Kevin’s company ENCOM just to fuck around. But when Kevin’s old buddy Alan (Bruce Boxleitner) receives a page from Flynn’s Arcade, Sam goes to check out. There, he listens to Journey for a while [NOTE: No joke. Sam spends like five minutes listening to Journey before advancing the plot. It’s both obnoxious and awesome], and then stumbles upon a dusty old computer hidden beneath the arcade. A couple of keystrokes later, Sam finds himself in a world his father told him about but never showed him – the inside world of a computer. But things aren’t well here, as a guy who looks like an ageless, CGI version of Kevin is running things with an iron fist. It’s up to Sam to find his dad and get home.

Thoughts: TRON: Legacy gets so much right that it hurts to criticize the film overall. The intro is hilariously over-the-top, somewhat knowingly, and is packed with winking references to the original film. First time director Joseph Kosinski both honors and builds on the computer world, updating TRON’s visual aesthetic. The cast is generally great. The top two performers are Olivia Wilde as Quorra, a lady program who is clearly designed to be a nerd boy’s fantasy but is still kind of awesome anyway, and Michael Sheen as an albino Ziggy Stardust.

Bridges is another matter. He’s a riot as Kevin, since he pretty much plays him like the Dude, but his performance as CLU2, a program resembling Kevin, is distracting. Partially because CLU2’s fascist tendencies force uncomfortable WWII symbolism, but also because CLU2 is meant to look like Bridges circa the ’80s. The filmmakers achieved this effect through CGI, and while Legacy may later be remembered as a defining moment in digitally changing actors’ looks, the film itself looks significantly worse because of it. Maybe it’s the uncanny valley acting up, but CLU2 is off-putting. He looks like Bridges, but not enough like him to seem natural. I mean, he’s the only character who doesn’t seem to have pores.

Still, though, the performances carry a lackluster script, one which squanders a lot of goodwill towards the original film by bastardizing Tron (Boxleitner). I’m not going to get too spoiler-y, but I will say that Cyclops (James Marsden) got a better shake in X2. The script also occasionally bullshits what computers can do – something that the original film did quite a bit but at least it did so endearingly.

That’s why Legacy can boast a strong cast, director, soundtrack, and special effects and still kind of suck. I didn’t hate this movie, but it’s hard to love with its forced ending and underwhelming plot. The Matrix ripped off Tron pretty hard, but Legacy ruins its integrity by ripping off Matrix Reloaded.

Reflection: BUT Cillian Murphy gets in a cameo.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (1991)

Tagline: Back by bodacious demand.

Curiosity: That was fun the last time. Let’s do it again!

Plot: Set shortly after the events of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Secret of the Ooze finds the turtles and Splinter living with April (now played by Paige Turco, who kind of sucks). However, with evidence that the Foot Clan survives, the group heads back to the sewers to establish a new base. The Shredder (David McCharen) is alive and pissed as heck, and he plans to use the mutagen that created the Ninja Turtles to breed his own mutant army.

And the whole got-damn time, Keno the pizza boy (Ernie Rayes Jr.) is the only one who does any got-damn martial arts.

Thoughts: Everyone I know talks about how Secret of the Ooze is so funny, but no one ever mentions that it sucks balls. The action is too toned down. Casey Jones is gone! The bad guys can’t accomplish shit. A decent chunk of the characters were recast, with the most distracting being April and Donatello (Corey Feldman did not return to the role, sadly). And it’s so dumb that Keno is the only one who gets to do actual fighting. The turtles’ hijinks takes on a frustratingly manic tone this time around.

Gaaah, but Ooze has some great lines, like “It’s quiet.” “Yeah, a little too quiet.” “It’s Raph!” “Yeah, a little too Raph.” And let’s be honest, the scene at the end where Vanilla Ice freestyles “Ninja Rap” is pretty great. As inane as it gets at times, the slapstick humor makes me laugh a lot, especially in the first scene. It is all the evidence you need to argue for or against stunt casting, but why the filmmakers thought Vanilla Ice’s fans would crossover with Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is beyond me.

But compared to the original, which was funny and action-packed and kind of, well, good, Secret of the Ooze suffers. Put it this way: I legitimately enjoy the original movie. The sequel, however, is best viewed from an ironic distance.

Reflection: I just wish they would let Keno do his thing, is all.

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Tagline: Hey dude, this is NO cartoon.

Curiosity: I, uh, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, OK?

Plot: The Foot Clan, lead by the sinister Shredder (James Saito/David McCharen), is recruiting New York City’s youth, including a young Sam Rockwell (Galaxy Quest, Iron Man 2), to create the ultimate network of thieves. Standing in their way is April O’Neil (Judith Hoag), the only television reporter with the guts to tell the truth. A fearsome foursome known as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Not to be confused with Biker Mice from Mars) chips in as well.

ALSO there is this guy named Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) and he hits bad guys with hockey sticks.

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is one of the greatest children films of all time, and here’s why. First, it’s not afraid to go all in. During the late ’80s/early ’90s, there was this push to sterilize violence in youth-oriented entertainment, but the first Turtles movie has the guys actually using their weapons and actually engaging in fights. And it actually looks kind of good, as far as dudes in rubber suits go. I was surprised to see Jim Henson designed the turtles, but considering how good the effects look, I guess I shouldn’t be. What you get here is a legitimately good ninja flick.

Admittedly, though, the film has its flaws, but they only serve to make it better. Movies like this always have a kid character thrown in for younglings to relate to; in this case, it’s Danny (Michael Turney), a wiener with a tie-dyed Sid Vicious shirt. He’s so lame - this kid looks like he would never steal a glance, let alone a wallet. Fuck you, Danny.

There were also a couple “uh-oh” moments, in which I picked up on stuff I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to. There’s a little bit of racism at play here, as well as one gay joke. I was also surprised by how frequently the turtles curse. Raphael’s first word is “Damn,” and he uses it a lot. He also gets in a “bitchin’.” I find it amusing that this movie caused a stir over the fight scenes, but nobody cared about the language. I wouldn’t necessarily call Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles homophobic, but c’mon. That kind of humor doesn’t belong here, partially because bringing up sexuality means we have to deal with how badly the turtles want to mack on April (I hate interspecies erotica), but also because the joke will go right over kids’ heads. It’s dead air.

Most of the dialogue is great, though, peppered with tons of one-liners the whole family can enjoy. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles holds up well 20 years later.

Reflection: For a while, this was the highest grossing indie film of all time. Radical.

The Tourist (2010)

Tagline: The perfect trip. The perfect trap.

Curiosity: My girlfriend loves Angelina Jolie’s movies. Which means I’ve seen most of Angelina Jolie’s movies.

Plot: Elise (Jolie) is a sexy British lady, and police officer Acheson (Paul Bettany, Legion) is all like, “Dang she’s pretty. Track that shit.” Also her ex-boyfriend Alexander (MYSTERY CASTING!!!) has stolen like a gajillion dollars from everyone ever, so people are pretty interested in that too. Alexander is trying to hook up with Elise, on account of her solid hotness rating, but he needs to throw detectives off their trail. So, he writes her a letter asking her to seduce a guy who looks similar enough to him so folks will focus on that dude instead. Elise chooses the clearly boring math teacher Frank (Johnny Depp), who is clearly from Wisconsin. Listen to that accent! Look at that haircut! That’s a Midwestern math teacher haircut if I’ve ever seen one.

Thoughts: Let’s get the good things out of the way so my girlfriend won’t be mad at me (She really liked the movie). The Tourist is set in Paris, France and Venice, Italy (Those are in Europe!), so the locations are pretty much gorgeous across the board. Jolie looks great and gives a solid performance. The film also has a nice, slow pacing, lending it a retro, classic movie feel. And my lady and I agree that Paul Bettany is awesome as the cop who sucks at his job. Most movies would turn the bungling cop into an annoying slapstick type, but Bettany, being Bettany, fucks up his job with conviction. I didn’t even know his character was named Acheson until I looked it up just now. We just screamed “Godammit Bettany!” every time he messed up.

SPOILER: The entire film is dependent on Bettany fucking up. I’d have to rewatch the film to check the numbers, but I guess he makes at least five important decisions that A) are the opposite of helpful and B) serve to drive the plot along. Bettany fucking up = deus ex machina.

Anyway, here’s where the film hilariously fails (Please reread my comments on Bettany): Jolie and Depp have no chemistry, and, to be honest, Depp doesn’t seem to be trying all that hard here. No accent. No attempt to look like the character’s background would suggest. He’s just Depping it up.

The film’s slow pace often comes off as ridiculous. The plot is super cheesy – I guessed the twist ending about halfway through, thought, “There’s no way they would do something that stupid,” then laughed a bit when I found out I was right. The movie is paced like it should be something grander, but it’s just not smart enough to warrant that. This is B-movie popcorn fare, and needed to be treated as such. That’s what made Salt and Wanted so great. The Tourist instead is too slow and plodding – made especially clear during a hysterically slow boat chase scene – to hit that mark. It’s still a funny bad-good movie, but I can’t say I’d watch it again.

Although I do like watching Paul Bettany fail...

Reflection: Paul Bettany is married to Jennifer Connelly. What a dick.

Suspiria (1977)

Tagline: WITCH!

Curiosity: It’s the most well known film from legendary horror director Dario Argento.

Plot: A coven is hunting down sexy dance students!

Thoughts: Script-wise, Suspiria is a little bit silly. The dialogue is clumsy and the murder scenes only kind of make sense. Let’s just say Argento abuses the concept of witches tricking people with magic. Suspend your disbelief, though, and focus on the cinematography. Each murder scene is beautifully paced and shot. The colors pop. Forget that the blood looks a little too bright; it matches the film’s overall color scheme too well to criticize.

Each set piece looks gorgeous. I want to live where Suspiria was shot, because each room has a vibrant, distinctive look. Horror films don’t get taken very seriously, but Argento’s taste in locations really makes an impact on the film. You remember each place. His use of shots is great too. A lot has been made about how violent his films get, but sometimes his most effective shots are the ones that show the least, like when he shows a wide shot of a guy getting attacked by a dog. It’s so much scarier to realize that no one can possibly save this guy, that he is totally alone.

That said, man this movie is hella violent. What’s weird is that it’s necessarily gory per say. Compared the torture porn of the last decade, Suspiria is tame in that regard. But it’s more effective. You don’t see buckets of blood shooting forth, but each knife wound is expertly focused on, and even turned into an artistic effort when displayed against each set. And man are the deaths elaborate. Not Saw-elaborate to the point of being stupid, but these victims really take beatings. The actors convey pain and fear masterfully, as Argento cooks up crazier and crazier methods.

Suspiria certainly has its dry patches, and admittedly it loses some steam after its first big kill – it’s the most brutal, set in the most visually appealing set – but overall the film holds up as iconic horror installment. And the music is killer.

Reflection: I think this article makes me sound like a psychopath.

Predator (1987)

Curiosity: Arnold Brownschwagger and his muscley friends fight a monster in the jungle.

Plot: Super ripped, super sweaty CIA operative Dillon (Carl Weathers, Rocky I-IV, Happy Gilmore) hires Dutch (Brownschwagger) and his team of elite commandos to go into Central America and extract some American hostages. But when they get there, they realize they’ve been set up – twice. Dillon lied to Dutch so he could get him to take out a guerilla camp, knowing that Dutch would only comply if he thought it was a rescue mission. But neither of them knows that a third party has taken an interest in their activities, and is stalking their homoerotic adventures throughout the jungle…

Thoughts: Like a lot of Brownschwagger movies, Predator has an awesomely intense homoerotic visual style, with tons of ripped, muscle-bound dudes sweating all over each other. This one might be his gayest film, as Predator spends so much time establishing the characters as tough guys that they come out the other end, appearing effeminate. There’s a pair homoerotic relationships at play, first between Dutch and Dillon, but also between Mac (Bill Duke, Commando, Sister Act 2: Back in the Habit) and Blain (Jesse Ventura). Dutch and Dillon are comedically, over-the-top gay, complete with arm wrestling and one scene where Carl Weathers takes his shirt off for no particular reason. Mac and Blain, meanwhile, are more dialed down – they just really enjoy each other’s company, and the character development Mac goes through after Blain’s death is heartwrenching, as he mourns his lost lover with a mix of anger and sadness, eventually devolving into madness.

Or maybe ’80s action movies were just too melodramatic. Anyway, Predator is an awesome action/sci-fi/horror film. Going back, I was amazed at how slowly the original is paced. Compared to the loud wiz-bangs of the sequels, Predator has a precise, gradual style. If it wasn’t so action-packed, I’d compare it to the slow burn of Ridley Scott’s Alien.

I should probably clarify that Predator is slow to the extent that its main plot doesn’t kick in until about 40 minutes or so. That’s right; the predator doesn’t get around to doing stuff until the film is nearly halfway through. Up to that point, Predator is a straightforward ’80s action movie on par with Commando or Rambo: First Blood Part II. The alien hunter hangs out in the margins while Dutch and co. fight guerillas. Some people might see this as dragging out the running time, but in actuality, the movie is just asserting the badassery of the characters. Blain kicks the shit out of bad guys for the first half of the film, which is why it’s so intense when the Predator takes him out in seconds. Most films would just state this kind of stuff in the beginning, but Predator bothers to prove every character trait. And it even tosses in a couple of Ah-nold’s wonderful one-liners, like when he stabs a guy and then says, “Stick around.”

Reflection: Predator was jokingly written as a sequel to Rocky IV AND it stars Carl Weathers? TOO PERFECT.

Galaxy Quest (1999)

Tagline: The show has been cancelled...but the adventure is just beginning.

Curiosity: It’s like Star Trek but with Tim Allen!

Plot: While they were once respected actors, the cast of the beloved sci-fi show Galaxy Quest now eke out a living appearing at conventions. Star Jason Nesmith (Home Improvement’s legendary Tim Allen) eats up the idol worship, but the rest of the cast can’t stand him or the fans. Their fortunes change, however, when a group of real aliens, led by Mathesar (Enrico Colantoni), arrive. Thinking that the characters they played on Galaxy Quest were real, the aliens beg the cast for help in fighting off their enemies. Hi-larious space-related hijinks ensue.

Thoughts: Hot dang I like Galaxy Quest, even though the show is perhaps too dependent on Star Trek for relevance. Still, it’s a really funny sci-fi spoof, thanks in great deal to the cast. Allen is pretty much Allen, although he throws in a little bit of William Shatner from time to time. Sigourney Weaver spoofs her fame as Ripley by playing a sexpot. Alan Rickman essentially plays himself as a failed actor, imbuing lines with much more weight and emotional depth. The two standouts are in the margins, though.

Sam Rockwell plays Guy, an actor who appeared on the show once as a “red shirt,” a character who dies early on to establish that the plot is serious. He spends the movie anxiously waiting for real life death to come, and Rockwell often channels Bill Paxton circa Aliens to great comedic effect. Tony Shalhoub’s character was the chief technician on the show, but since he doesn’t actually know anything about spaceships, he ends up being a sort of inverse Scotty: Mellow and not terribly useful. He undercuts a lot of the drama in a pretty funny way, which is even more credible since the character really isn’t all that defined in the script. Per the DVD’s featurettes, Shalhoub pretty built the character from scratch.

But while Galaxy Quest functions well as a comedy, it’s also a legitimate science fiction film, filled with explosions, space travel, and aliens. To that extent, viewers’ familiarity with Star Trek needn’t be that great; the film overall holds up well. But Trekkers/Trekkies will definitely appreciate the humor more.

Reflection: Look, it’s Rainn Wilson before The Office both made and ruined his career!

RED (2010)

Tagline: Still armed. Still dangerous. Still got it.

Curiosity: It’s like The Expendables but with a more critically acclaimed cast.

Plot: Frank Moses (Bruce Willis) is a retired black-ops CIA agent looking for love. He’s developed a phone relationship with Sarah (Mary-Louise Parker) and wants to take it to the next level. They have so much in common, and while Moses doesn’t want to rush things, he really does think, deep down in that place he refuses to admit exists, that he could love and be loved. Be known. Be held.

Anyway, then some dudes show up with machine guns and blow the fuck out of his house, so he kills them dead and then meets up with his retired super spy friends and they have cool super spy adventures while making cracks about whippersnappers.

Thoughts: While the angles are different, The Expendables and RED are fairly similar movies about old hands kicking ass in a kitschy fashion. But RED can’t step Expendables’ groove. For all its flaws, that movie was just too great. And while it was certainly a dumb movie, it never felt dumbed-down. RED, meanwhile, spells out every location and plot change to an obnoxious degree. It tries so hard to be a silly, over-the-top spy thriller, whereas Expendables just is without resorting to pretensions.

RED has a solid cast though. Not Dolph Lundgren-good, but still pretty good. Willis is, of course, badass. That’s kind of what he does. Parker and Helen Mirren are to RED what Mickey Rourke was to Expendables – way better than their respective films probably deserve. And you know what, I like Karl Urban. Dude rocked it in Lord of the Rings, Star Trek, and, uh, Pathfinder, and he goes blow for blow with Willis, and that guy has left many a Hans Gruber dead in his wake.

But man was I let down by Morgan Freeman and John Malkovich. Freeman phones it in, although his character is a big deus ex machina anyway. Malkovich is meant to be the comedic relief as a drugged out retired agent, but his role becomes tiresome quickly.

nd the same goes for the film overall. RED isn’t particularly funny or action-packed. It’s a solid afternoon movie, the kind you watch once and then never think about again, but that’s it.

Reflection: I’m kind of annoyed Brian Cox isn’t on the movie poster. He’s so much better than Freeman here AND his character is more important. WTF?

Push (2009)

Tagline: One push can change everything. [DO YOU GET IT?!]

Curiosity: I like Chris Evans. Dude needs to be in more good movies.

Plot: Spurred by Nazi research, the word’s super-powers have been cultivating psychic armies for decades. They have various abilities – telekinesis, mind-reading, some shit where you scream really loud and people’s brains explode – but when certain psychics prove too powerful to control, the U.S. government steps in and neutralizes them. What a bunch of dicks. This policy leads to the death of the father of Nick (Evans) and the abduction of the mother of Cassie (Dakota Fanning). The two meet by fate in China and begin a rebellion.

Thoughts: Push could be a great TV show. It has enough characters and plot points to sustain a couple of seasons. But as a movie, it hurts. The film tries to cram in as many plot points and rules as it can, but given that the film ends on an unsatisfying ending meant to set up a sequel that’ll probably never happen, that might not have been such a great. The movie bullshits it way through how psychics work, introduces more rules than it needs, and then peters out in the last 30 minutes.

Oh but I love the cast, sort of. I’ve been a supporter of Evans since Sunshine and Fantastic Four, flawed films bolstered by his acting. Fanning shows a talent beyond her years. But Djimon Hounsou can’t satisfy the demands of his role as the bad guy, and Camilla Belle’s character stops her from doing a whole lot.

The script itself is trash. The dialogue is cliché, the pacing is a bit too slow, and the story needs to be less obsessed with introducing superpowers. At the very least, the film needs to shave off 10, maybe 20 minutes, because there’s a certain point where I got sick of watching the filmmakers force and then violate a series of rules on how psychics work. Push has some neat effects and story ideas, but it doesn’t add up to anything consequential.

Reflection: For a movie about dudes throwing guns at each other, this sure was boring.

Paranormal Activity 2 (2010)

Tagline: Mo’ demons, mo’ problems.

Curiosity: I closed the store tonight and have to open tomorrow. I needed to do something in between the two.

Plot: Part prequel, part sequel, Paranormal Activity 2 focuses on Kristi (Sprague Grayden), sister of Katie (Katie Featherston) from the original, and her family. Kristi and her husband Dan (Brian Boland) just had a boy, named Hunter. Dan in turn has a daughter from a previous marriage named Ali (Molly Ephraim). The film follows the same documentary style of the original, with the Dan installing a thorough video surveillance system after their home is burglarized (OR IS IT DEMONIZED?!).

Anyway, weird shit happens.

Thoughts: As far as unnecessary sequels go, Paranormal Activity 2 works. Depending on your perspective, it either advances the mythology of the original, or tacks on extra detail we don’t really need. I lean towards the latter, even though the film is generally solid. This sequel is stuck in a weird spot, because it has some great scenes and the acting one-ups the original, but in order to understand the ending, you need to have seen the first film. Which in turn means acknowledging that the movie recycles almost everything.

Paranormal Activity 2 boasts better special effects, but considering the original was essentially a home movie, that doesn’t say much. If anything, I want to know why this version cost $3 million, when writer/director Oren Peli made the original on like $15,000. And there are some great scares, even though most of them are of the “gotcha” variety. A “gotcha” scare is whenever something loud and unexpected happens. It takes advantage of a bodily reaction to noise. Our bodies flood with adrenaline with a start, preparing for a fight or flight scenario. You can’t exactly turn that off. While 2 thankfully spreads these moments out, it’s still a little cheap, especially since the movie fails to recreate the sparse atmosphere of the original.

Paranormal Activity gradually builds in intensity until shit gets real. 2 hits a wall and goes “Eh, fuck it. Let’s get this over with.” It’s a shame because the cast is better this time around. The original certainly had problems, like superfluous supporting roles and a bum ending as far as the wide release is concerned. But it still haunts. I don’t see myself watching 2 again.

Reflection: Also, it’s totally bullshit when they reference the Clash of the Titans remake. This movie is supposed to be set in 2006. CONTINUITY ERROR YOU GUYS.

The Mask of Zorro (1998)

Tagline: It’s like Batman!

Curiosity: I bought this movie specifically because my girlfriend Michelle said Zorro sucks. Boy did I show her!

Plot: In the 19th century, Zorro (Anthony Hopkins, because why not?) kicks the dickens out of the Spaniards on behalf of Californians everywhere and then hurries home to his family. It’s totally awesome and hi-larious until the Spaniards, led by Don Rafael (Stuart Wilson), show up, murderize Zorro’s wife, steal his daughter, and burn his house down. Zorro celebrates by rotting in prison for 20 years.

Then Antonio Banderas shows up, Zorro gets his shit together, and they kick butt again!

Thoughts: I’m going to make the following concessions about Zorro, in fairness to my girlfriend. It’s silly that none of the leads are Hispanic (Well, besides Matt Lescher as the psycho-crazy Harrison Love, but he’s supposed to be white). Banderas is the first Spanish actor to play Zorro, who’s supposed to be a Spaniard… except he’s technically playing Zorro II, who’s supposed to be Californian. Catherine Zeta-Jones does a good job with the accent as Zorro’s daughter, but Hopkins is clearly playing himself with a tan. The plot gets a little nonsensical at times, and the running time is a bit bloated.

But this is an action/comedy with explosions and swords and Antonio Banderas! Dude gets along with everybody. His scenes with Hopkins are funny; his work with Zeta-Jones smolders. Smolders! What’s great about Zorro is that he’s exactly like Batman (OK, Bob Kane probably ripped off Zorro…), only fun. And not campy fun either. The character plays with his foes, making fools out of them. Accordingly, this movie delivers plenty of physical comedy courtesy of Banderas. My only regret is that Robert Rodriguez, who was slated to direct, dropped out over budgetary issues, only to have his successor, Martin Campbell (Goldeneye, Edge of Darkness) get like twice the money Rodriguez originally asked for.

Reflection: This movie made like $250 million. Take that, Michelle!

Star Wars Uncut (2010)

Tagline: A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away…

Curiosity: Some folks from Vimeo remade Star Wars (Or Episode IV/A New Hope or whatever the hell we’re supposed to call it now) by stitching together 15-second homemade recreations. People then voted online to select the best submissions. The result is essentially a real life Be Kind Rewind.

Plot: Really? You don’t know the plot to Star Wars? Basically, a whiney farm boy, a whiney princess, an old guy, a super cool cowboy and his best friend who is also a dog/bear/gorilla thingy, and their two gay robots fight imperialism… IN OUTER SPACE. Some of them use this thing called “the force.” It’s kind of like Neo in The Matrix. The farm boy studies magic from the old guy, like Harry Potter and Dumbledore but with swords instead of fake Latin phrases. It kicks off an epic trilogy. Sort of like a sci-fi Lord of the Rings. It’s kind of like the Masters of the Universe of the ’70s, now that I think about it. And it has that guy from Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull!

Thoughts: With all of the remakes I’m dreading (Total Recall, The Toxic Avenger, freaking Spider-Man), you’d think I’d be against anyone touching the original Star Wars trilogy. Hell, after the remastered editions and the “new trilogy,” I’ve been burned out on Star Wars for the last few years. But mastermind Casey Pugh and a massive group of loyal fans have created something charmingly low tech and humorously faithful. By breaking New Hope up into 15 second clips, this adaptation made me realize that the entire movie is one big iconic quote fest. New Hope is a film I’ve seen countless times. It’s ingrained in my DNA. So it was fun for me to watch this fan film and try to figure out what was going on. Sometimes the shots that make no got-damn sense are just as compelling as the ones that do.

Considering the film is 90 minutes long, it’s insane how many people contributed 15-second clips. There’s a lot of repetition, though. Pretty much anytime people try to include a pop cultural riff, they fail, either because so many folks do it (Too many Star Trek and Simpsons references. Come on, nerds, try harder!), or because they force a reference in without actually making a joke (Clerks, Space Balls). It’s the Date Movie approach to filmmaking. Also, the CGI scenes look like crap (Just like in the real movies!).

Still, though, the film overall is a humorous tribute. Here are my top five favorite parts:

1. Anything involving children, animals, or both, which is the exact opposite of what I look for in “real” movies. The only thing better than Han Solo and Chewbacca is Han Solo as a little kid and Chewbacca as a dog.
2. Anything with stop-motion or hand-drawn animation.
3. Anytime someone impersonates Chewbacca.
4. The first time Crow T. Robot and Tom Servo from Mystery Science Theater 3000 show up as C-3PO and R2-D2.
5. Han shoots first!
   
   

The movie is an amazing hodgepodge of animation and home video. The special effects vary greatly, which is neat. The audio varies too, which is frustrating. But it’s a fun curio, a nice reminder that a long time ago, before all the cash-ins, we all loved Star Wars.

Click here to watch the full film.

Reflection: That’s it, I’m gonna make a tribute film to The Marine.

Star Wars Uncut "The Escape" from Casey Pugh on Vimeo.

The Crazies (2010)

Tagline: Fear they neighbor.

Curiosity: It’s a remake of a George Romero film and got decent reviews. Also, I had a chance to watch it for free.

Plot: Officer Good Guy (Timothy Olyphant) is having a grand old time at a baseball game when a weird guy with a shotgun walks on to the field. The sheriff tries to talk the guy down, assuming he’s drunk, but when he cocks the gun and points it at Officer GG, homeboy acts in self-defense and blows him away. Needless to say, Weird Guy’s family is bummed out over this occurrence, and things get extra awkward for GG when the toxicology report reveals that Weird Guy’s blood alcohol level was 0.0.

Meanwhile, Officer Good Guy’s wife, Dr. Lady (Radha Mitchell), examines a creepy farmer. She thinks he’s OK, but she’s wrong. So wrong that Creepy Farmer sets his house on fire and kills his family. Dr. Lady sucks at being a doctor.

As more and more of the townsfolk start going psycho-crazy, it’s up to Officer Good Guy, Dr. Lady, and their disposable friends to figure out what's going on.

Thoughts: If I had paid to watch The Crazies, I suppose I would have been perturbed over its content. It’s not as gory as the trailer had hinted, and the script is more like a template than an original story. In fact, the script is frustrating in almost every possible way. [SPOILER] People are going crazy from a fast-acting virus/chemical thinger, but it seems to work at 1/10^th speed on key characters [/SPOILER]. Locations picked for scares just seem stupid, like an extended scene where the characters get trapped inside a car wash. Maybe it’s because I worked at a car wash when I was 14, but they’re not the all-encompassing Saw-like death traps that horror films make them out to be. They’re designed specifically so cars can get off the tracks, forward or backward. Also, there should be like, I don’t know, 30 emergency exits sprinkled throughout. This crap didn’t work in The Final Destination, it doesn’t work here. Also, do they even have touch car washes anymore? Shit wrecks paint jobs. Perhaps that’s the real scare?

Sorry. Sorry. Anyhoozle, the leads are generally likeable, but their scenes are so rote. Put it another way: I care about the characters that die, but I do not care about the ones that live. Maybe if the film delivered in gore, I’d be more forgiving. But outside of two pretty scenes, the film just doesn’t go there.

I will say this, though: Director Breck Eisner pulls off this one neat-o trick. See, the townsfolk are insane murderers, but when left alone, they just kind of walk around silently like pod people. There’s a scene where Dr. Lady is saying goodbye to her house. She walks into the nursery for her unborn child and starts giving this monologue about “what could have been.” It’s a pretty wistful monologue… except it’s not technically a monologue, as there is a woman standing in the corner, silently staring at her. It’s such a simple, understated scare – Eisner doesn’t punctuate the scene with ridiculously loud audio. He just slowly pans over and lets the audience realize that something freaky is going on mere seconds before it occurs to the character. I feel bad for spoiling this scene because I think it’s the best in the film.

Or, it would be if Eisner didn’t recycle the trick over and over again. By the end of the film, what was once clever in its subtlety becomes annoying in its repetition. Which I suppose describes The Crazies in general. There are some cool scenes, but they don’t add up to a good movie.

Reflection: This carwash bullshit has got to stop, people.

Slumber Party Massacre 3 (1990)

Tagline: It’s Driller Time… and This Bit’s For You!

Curiosity: It came bundled with the other Massacre movies.

Plot: Jackie (Keely Christian) has the house all to herself this weekend, so she decides to have a party. She invites all of her closest friends… and this fat douchebag named Duncan (David Greenlee). They enjoy pizza and beer and whatever.

Then a dude with a giant power drill shows up and murders them all.

Thoughts: While it starts off promisingly by introducing a weird sense of humor, mostly courtesy of awkward neighbor Morgan (Michael Harris) and NOT that fat fuck Duncan (He’s meant to be the comic relief, but he got-damn does that guy suck ass), Slumber Party Massacre 3 is in some way even worse than the first sequel. At least that movie was maintained the same consistent level of crappiness. 3 goes from promising to offensive.

Now, horror movies are meant to shock. I don’t mean to come off as a prude, but the tone the film takes made me uncomfortable. The original was a black comedy, so while it introduced some obvious symbolism with the Driller Killer’s drill being, ya know, a phallus penetrating young ladies, it was never treated too darkly. This movie, however, makes the symbolism even more obvious, to the point that the killer’s attacks double as rapes. Which means the film spends up to 30 minutes showing us, the audience, repeated rape scenes.

And these are sloppily assembled rape scenes at that. This film looks so cheap that the actors don’t bother using live power tools – it’s obvious that the drills and chainsaws aren’t even on, with live sounds dubbed in. It looks so cheap. And while I guess I can justify the filmmakers being too cheap to pay for fake drills, it’s not that hard to fake a real chainsaw. Just take the chain off. The formula behind the Slumber Party Massacre series petered out painfully here, but at least I’ll always have the original.

Reflection: Also, the first one at least justified the nudity. 3’s “let’s have a striptease contest” idea is just stupid.