Last Action Hero (1993)

Tagline: Did Someone Say Action?

Curiosity: I’m just gonna give you one of the opening lines:

Jack Slater (Arnold Schwarzenegger): “You want ta be a farmer? Here’s a couple of acres!” [Kicks cop in the nuts so hard he is lifted off the ground.]

Are you sold yet? ’Cause I is.

Plot: Danny Madigan (Austin O’Brien) is a mentally challenged youth incapable of recognizing the importance of hard work, morality, or empathy. In a way, he’s like a really stupid, lazy psychopath. He frequents an old movie theater in New York City (a very important urban center located in New York state), where he abuses the kindness of the elderly owner/manager Nick (Robert Prosky). In a desperate bid for Danny’s love, Nick invites the boy to a private screening of Jack Slater IV, the latest release in Danny’s favorite action series. After dropping out of school and manipulating his mother’s affection against her, Danny accidentally lets a thief into his family’s apartment and is robbed. Never one to care about his mother, Danny leaves the crime scene so he can watch a movie. His selfishness knows no bounds.

Nick, in a final attempt to make Danny actually care about him, offers him a precious collector’s item: a “magic” gold ticket from magician Harry Houdini, which turns out to really be magical. It pulls Danny into Jack Slater IV and he shares a zany, annoying adventure with his favorite action hero.

Thoughts: In case you didn’t pick up on it in the plot summary, I fucking hate Danny. That kid is such a shitbag. The only reason I even tolerate him is because without him there’s no movie. So, much like a jilted co-worker, I put up with his bullshit because I want to get paid. Only instead of money, my check consists of EXPLOSIONS!

Last Action Hero is a love letter to cinema, both of the action variety and of the medium in general. There are plenty of Schwarzenegger references, sure, but the movie also brings up Hamelt, Amadeus, and The Seventh Seal. It consistently makes light of how much disbelief people are willing to suspend for a good popcorn picture. It has Tom Noonan being the best kind of creepy, as only Tom Noonan can be. And it has Ah-nold dropping bad puns and bad guys 24/7. When he knocks a henchman into an ice cream truck, it instantly explodes, killing another bad guy… with ice cream. Quoth the ’Schwarzen, “Iced that guy, to cone a phrase.” Gold!

In the wrong hands, Last Action Hero could’ve ended up too self-aware. Thanks to director John McTiernan (Predator, Die Hard), the film instead balances action, betrayal, love, and morality with a fine cartoonish smirk. It asks some big questions of its viewers – What does it mean to be good? Does your world meet that criteria? – but I love it all the more for it.

Reflection: Seriously, Danny sucks.