The Marine 3: Homefront (2013)

Tagline: He's back home from war, but the battle has just begun.

Curiosity: I unironically love the shit out of the first two movies. No, seriously

Plot: When his sister and his dickless boyfriend get kidnapped by terrorists on a rusted out boat, it's up to marine Jake Carter (Reality show star the Miz) to save the day. Well, him and a whole mess of cops and government agents. Also the terrorists are kind of bumbling and have vaguely defined plans. You know what, Jake, just go home. Everything is going to be fine.

Thoughts: It finally happened. I finally hated a Marine movie. And let me tell you, watching the Marine trilogy (TRILOGY!!!) has been a rather significant bonding experience for my friends Nick, Eric, and I. Dubbed "Night of Men," we saw the original in theaters. That's right, we paid to see it in a theater, and then paid to own it on DVD. Eric and Nick are almost definitely going to buy it again on Blu-Ray. These were action movies that deserve to be cult favorites. They blend humor and explosions into a fine mix rarely seen these days.

The first in a three-picture deal with Fox, The Marine 3 breaks away from the series by A) having a sister get kidnapped instead of a wife and B) making the titular Marine completely inconsequential to the plot. Seriously. Jake Carter's actions do not matter in this movie. The terrorists, led by a slumming Neil McDonough, start off pretty cool with a bank heist so precisely planned that they know the most secretest details about the bank's staff...only to set the money on fire. The whole thing has an Occupy connotation to it, but it neglects to mention that most banks in the U.S. have this thing called insurance. Their actions do not accomplish anything.

After the heist, their motivation gets completely lost. They buy a shit ton of guns, shot their weapons dealer for haggling, and then hang out on a boast for most of the film's 85 minutes. When they finally get a chance to do something (plant bombs or something), they get caught in a shootout with law enforcement in the streets, Heat-style. Even when Jake gets a chance to shine by disposing of the bombs, he still feels inessential to the plot simply by trying too hard. The Miz simply does not get enough to do despite playing the main character.

Nick observed that the title character feels shoehorned into the film, as if WWE Films bought the script and then added some Mariney stuff to keep the franchise going. Compared to the production values on the first two films, there's very little here in the way of choreography, set design, plot... everything, really. The film barely makes any sense, even by action movie standards. Watching the special features is profoundly uncomfortable, as the cast and crew try to sound excited about filming on an actually abandoned, tetanus-loaded boat.

I cannot recommend the first two Marine films enough, as they have a real charm to them. Marine 3, however, simply does not meet that standard. It plays more like a made-for-TV movie, bad effects 'n' all.

Reflections: I cannot believe I keep buying these movies, nor can I believe how sad the documentaries make me feel.

Justice League / Justice League Unlimited (2001-2006)

Tagline: More Batman!

Curiosity: More Batman!

Plot: When Superman and Batman realize they’re outnumbered in an alien invasion, they enlist the help of Wonder Woman (she’s strong and can fly!), the Flash (he’s fast!), Green Lantern (he can fly and make green stuff shoot out of his ring and he yells a lot!), Hawkgirl (she can fly and she yells a lot too!), and the mysterious Martian J’onn J’onzz (his powers kinda fluctuate a little bit…). After stopping that threat, the collective decides to form a team of superheroes, dubbed the Justice League. And they take on new threats every couple of weeks, in thrilling two-part episodes. Or, if you’re watching Justice League Unlimited, for a length of time that changes every so often.

Thoughts: I like Justice League. But I don’t love it. Coming off of the darker storytelling of Batman and the ambitious retro fantasies of Superman, it feels a little, well, vanilla. Part of that at least comes from the producers taking on new challenges. Showrunner Bruce Timm was against helming a Justice League adaptation in the ’90s simply because he couldn’t see all of those characters getting enough screen time (He apparently didn’t watch X-Men…). Switching to team-based storytelling was a hard challenge for the writers, so they opted tell episodes in two-parter installments. About half of the stories they created warranted the extended format; the remainder usually has about 1.5 episodes of story and .5 filler.

But the problems didn’t end with the writing. Justice League is the first show Timm and co. did with all digital production. As of such, the animation in the first season has a very flat, uniform look to it. Every fire looks the same. Everybody moves the same. It takes a few episodes for the show to achieve a strong visual style. The same thing happened to Batman, but that was also Timm’s first show. The first season of Justice League is like watching the master relearn everything he knew about making a TV show.

The other big problem, as I can see it, is the Internet, and that’s a double-edged issue. By monitoring message boards, Timm was able to integrate feedback almost instantly. For example, many stories had Superman get knocked out first in battle, so as to establish that a given villain was a serious threat. When fanboys pointed out that it has become a writing crutch, Timm snapped out of it. But he also started including a little too much fanboy humor that, occasionally, went against character. Then again, look at me. I’m using the Internet to complain about superhero stories. How original.

From JL’s second season onward, it’s a strong cartoon that rewards dedicated viewing. Justice League and Justice League Unlimited build on loose ends from Timm’s other DC shows. The aborted fifth season of Superman actually folds nicely into JLU’s first season. Every nook and cranny of the DC universe gets explored, resulting in some pretty weird, but great, television. Batman, of course, is my favorite superhero on the show, but the producers do some pretty excellent work with the Flash as well. While he’s not that well utilized (the show had a tough time balancing superpowers. The idea that the Flash, Martian Manhunter, and Superman would be on the same level as Hawkgirl or the Elongated Man is kind of preposterous), the few episodes that focus on the Flash are usually hilarious and/or action packed. They remind me of Superman, actually.

One thing that I prefer about Justice League Unlimited over Superman or Batman is the idea of a season-long story arch. The first JLU season covers the shadow government’s attempts to control and neutralize the Justice League, and it features a stellar performance from the perfectly cast Jeffrey Combs as the Question. The second season covers Lex Luther’s attempts at uniting with Braniac. At just 13 episodes, it’s the briefest season by far, but it’s still solid.

Top 10 Episodes:
1. Twilight (of the Gods)
2. The Great Brain Robbery
3. The Enemy Below
4. Double Date
5. For the Man Who Has Everything
6. Divided We Fall
7. The Savage Time
8. Injustice For All
9. The Once and Future Thing
10. Kids’ Stuff

Reflection: On the one hand, I watch too many cartoons for a married man. On the other hand, I sure would like to revisit Teen Titans…