The Marine (2006)

Tagline: I’M A MARINE! [Note: This is not the real tagline.]

Curiosity: My roommates and I saw the trailer so many times that we figured, what the hey, let’s grab some Cinnabon and catch a flick about one Marine’s quest to be all types of Mariney.

Plot: In a bold opening scene, Marine John Triton (John Cena) saves some of his compatriots from terrorists using only his wits. And guns. And fire! But in a surprise twist (the first of many!), the government can’t handle how awesome Triton is at saving/murderizing and discharges him. Heartbroken, Triton settles for a life of thoroughly boning his wife Kate (Nip/Tuck’s Kelly Carlson) and being a security guard. When the guard part doesn’t work, the two decide to focus on humping full time (40+ hours a week, with sexy benefits!).

MEANWHILE…

The T-1000 (Robert Patrick) and his merry gang of ethnic bad guys steal like 10 diamonds. Maybe 11. And they blow up stuff. A LOT OF STUFF. They do so much damage with rocket launchers and guns that you’d think they’d want to steal more diamonds. Go for a baker’s dozen or something. So, they’re on the run.

MEANWHILE…

The Tritons stop at a gas station.

MEANWHILE…

The T-1000 and his evil yet hilarious pals stop at a gas station.

And then strong words are exchanged.

Thoughts: I’m not sure what my friends and I really expected when we went to see The Marine. It was one of those “Wouldn’t it be funny if we did this?” ideas, the kind that shouldn’t work out when you actually follow through. But got-damn is The Marine awesome. It’s the best action film of the decade. No wait, the best film of the decade overall.

The film never drags. Every line of dialogue and every scene serves a purpose. THE EXPLOSIONS ARE MOSTLY REAL. I’ve seen some pretty bloated action films lately; the economy of director John Bonito’s film is staggering. It’s such a tight bundle of punching. He gets the most out of his actors too. I’ll be honest; Cena seems like a great guy, but his acting is kinda flat. Much like John Carpenter and Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live, Bonito focuses on Cena’s strengths: stunts, shirtlessness, not talking. Cena doesn’t look like a guy who could star in The Two Gentleman of Verona or anything, but he does pull off jumping out of an exploding, bullet-ridden car convincingly.

Other cast members stand out better – the T-1000 is an atypical charming/crazy terrorist bad guy familiar to fans of The Dark Knight or Die Hard, with one exception – he’s not really all that charming, which makes the character doubly interesting. Viewers get a bad guy who isn’t nearly as good as he thinks he is, as his only real power against Triton is the distance between them. Carlson shows real fire as Mrs. Triton. She turns out be to just as tough as the title character, as she matches wits with the T-1000 and fists with the T-1000’s girlfriend (Abigail Bianca).

Also, the explosions are mostly real. Bonito really did blow up that gas station. Hell. Yes.

Reflection: No seriously, this was a good movie. Hey. Hey!