Plot: A group of Inga ninjas are returning from a successful round of ninja-ing when they see a fireball rip through the sky. When they go to investigate, they encounter aliens! Fighting occurs. The ninja’s leader, Yamata (Masanori Mimoto), is determined to take the creatures down, doubly so when they kidnap his best friend (Shûji Kashiwabara).
Also there’s a lady ninja named Ren (Mika Hijii) and she gives lots of fan service.
Thoughts: Overall, I’m pleased as punch about my purchase of Alien vs Ninja. But man, that first half hour was just torture. Writer/director Seiji Chiba intended the film as a sci-fi/horror/comedy mash-up, and the initial 30 minutes rely way too heavily on stupid slapstick. The comedic foil (Ben Hiura) is so grating the way he brays and mugs. It’s very Japanese, I’ll put it that way, so expect lady-boys, screaming, slapping, and fan service. Lots of fan service. There’s a lot of dialogue and set-up in the beginning as well, and for a while I thought Alien vs Ninja might not have the budget to pull off its hilariously great idea.
But then things take off. Chiba himself said he wanted to take Ridley Scott’s Alien and present a more Japanese interpretation, so he opted to include ninjas because ninjas are cool. He realized the concept was goofy, though, so the film quickly took a self-aware sense of humor. The actually comedic bits fail hard, but the lack of restraint results in some stupid/awesome fight scenes. AvN actually does a nice job balancing CGI, wire work, and fight choreography. It’s not the best looking sci-fi flick out there, but it hides its budget well enough. It also doesn’t shy way from violence or gore. Interestingly, this Alien homage comes off more like a Predator rip – elite fighters in the woods do battle with an extraterrestrial adversary. While it ultimately comes off like an anime, that plays to the movie’s strengths.
Reflection: The creatures look like Alien meets Evangelion meets dolphins.
[SNC is proud to present its first guest contribution, from none other than the inspiration for this very blog, my fiancee Michelle. Turns out she watches shitty movies too. This review makes me love The Expendables even more.]
Tagline:Let Yourself GO
Curiosity: During the two weeks I was home dying with some awful virus, my dad encouraged my mom and I to watch this movie for free On Demand. The 133 minutes just seemed too much to bear. As I got healthier, I kept thinking “I like watching movies with my mom,” “I like Julia Roberts...still,” and “someone I really respect told me this was a great book.” Oh, and I really wanted to see the shots of Italy.
Plot: A privileged white lady (Julia Roberts) living in a gorgeous house with a successful career as a writer (I know, right) realizes she doesn’t love her first of at least two husbands and the normal path of life (getting married and having babies) isn’t working for her. So, she lets hubby know how she’s feeling after attempting to pray...and then, starts banging this young, super lame, pseudophilosophical hottie (James Franco) moments after her divorce. (Score.) White lady/Liz Gilbert also is unhappy with said hottie, so she tells her BFF (who is the only lady who seems to have some sense aside from the cute Swedish blonde later) that she’s going on a yearlong journey to Italy, India, and Bali. The purpose of this journey is to find herself and change her life for the better, and the people she meets on the journey help her do so...?
[SPOILER: She’s still the same at the end, and ends up with another dude after trying to be alone.]
Thoughts: This painful telling of a woman finding herself made me do nothing but cringe and laugh. The protagonist comes off as a mysteriously wealthy, self-centered, leach in this trite tale. Her white people problems of not reaching self-actualization when you have all the means to are not unique. Though the basic plot should be one that millions of women can relate to and I, myself, should definitely be able to relate to, I could not care about Liz no matter how hard I tried. Her suffering is a suffering I’ve felt but would never call suffering; I’d call it life. And it is portrayed so lamely, that even though I typically have compassion and empathy just oozing out of me and I get paid to do so, it was nowhere to be found. I don’t know how her BFF, the aforementioned one with sense, whom had this great piece of dialogue at one point - “Liz, having a kid is kinda like getting a tattoo on your face. You should be certain it’s what you want” - put up with her.
The scenery of Italy was beautiful, and the friends Liz met there were sweet, even bordering on real for a few moments. I did like Liz’s philosophy on eating pizza and 40 lbs. worth of other Italian food: stop worrying about muffintops and enjoy, a man has never thrown you out of his bedroom after seeing you naked. And the scenes did make me hungry. I also liked when the little old Italian lady Liz rents from implies that all American women are foodies and tramps.
Next up was India: this was the most painful stretch of the movie. At times, I zoned out. I peed three times. I really wanted to slap Richard from Texas (Richard Jenkins). He was an obnoxious, know-it-all, whom is in recovery after almost killing his kid many years back and, again, we’re supposed to care about his problems and find him likable as he espouses bumper sticker wisdom to us. (I think Liz even calls it that at some point.) Liz also develops a relationship with a 17-year-old with a pre-arranged marriage; she can’t even have a reciprocal relationship with this poor adolescent, though, because she is thinking of her own wedding. SHE IS ALWAYS THINKING OF HERSELF AND HER PROBLEMS. Then, Liz goes to Bali, gets drunk and laughs too much at a naked guy, falls in love with Javier Bardem/Felipe, freaks out about falling in love/control of life, gets a bladder infection (so relatable!), AND decides to cruise the ocean with Felipe thus “letting go” because a toothless, wise, practically incomprehensible, guru tells Julia the whole lesson is LIFE IS CRAZY. (Suck it up, people.)
Reflection: If they hadn’t thrown in the plotline where Liz helps a mother and daughter by getting them 18,000 American dollars to put towards a home, I could honestly say this woman had no redeemable qualities. Since they did throw that in there, I just have to say I wasted what felt like 4 hours watching a film I will always call White Lady Problems. Also, I am hungry for pasta.
