The Expendables (2010)

Tagline: EVERY ONE OF US IS EXPENDABLE *SICK GUITAR RIFF EXPLOSIONS FOREVER*!!!!!!!!

Curiosity: Dolph Lundgren, Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Eric Roberts, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Austin, Terry Crews. HELL YES.

Plot: Led by Barney (Stallone, who also co-wrote and directed), the Expendables are a band of mercenaries for hire. They ride motorcycles and get sick tattoos and are totally awesome at darts and fighting. But the group is splintering. First Barney has to kick out his friend Gunner (Lundgren!!!) after he turns a rescue mission into a blood bath, then Barney himself gets all types of messed up after he and Lee Christmas (Statham) take on a mission in South America from a very funny/awesome Bruce Willis. When he sees all the hardship caused by a ruthless dictator (David Zayas), Barney realizes he has to stand for something. Something good. Something that rescues Latin babes (Giselle Itié). With his band of brothers, Barney is ready to wage a war. ’Cause when you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as breathing. Or um ’cause if society won’t punish the guilty, he will. Or something like that.

Thoughts: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Got-damn Expendables is awesome. It’s not so self-aware as to become distracting, but it’s clear that Stallone intended this movie to be a super awesome throwback to ’80s action movies, and the cast is accordingly stuffed with heavy hitters. Everyone gets a moment or two to shine. Stallone is actually surprisingly democratic with the highlights. He’s clearly the star, but he doles out so many cool moments to the other stars, like when Statham fights an entire basketball team/hooks up with Charisma Carpenter or when Dolph Lundgren does just about anything. Just like in Iron Man 2, Mickey Rourke turns in an amazing, nuanced performance, even if his supporting role is essentially as the Wilson to Stallone’s Tim Allen. Dude needs to be in every movie ever from now on. Li, Statham, and Lundgren turn in some got-damn vicious martial arts scenes, as do Stallone, Austin, and Randy Couture in a more wrastlin’ capacity. Terry Crews gets some pretty terrible lines, but he blows up so much shit that his character is one of my favorites anyway. Eric Roberts is, what else, a slick gangster type.

At the same time, Stallone throws in some winks to the audience. A scene between Planet Hollywood buddies Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger is packed with in-jokes, but it’s so perfectly suited for the audience. In turn, Expendables would be a cult movie, except it accommodates such a wide gathering of fans that it’s something bigger. Somewhere between The Marine and Hot Fuzz, there is The Expendables.

Reflection: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, and Kurt Russell all passed on this movie. Seagal gets a pass ’cause he was working on Machete. Russell gets a lifetime pass for his movies with John Carpenter. Van Damme, though? I liked Universal Soldier: Regeneration a lot, but c’mon dude.