Hard Rock Zombies (1985)

Tagline: Their farewell concert is to die for!

Curiosity: I saw this DVD at a Superfresh for $1.98. With a title and price like that, how could I say no? Afterwards I found out that the film was made on the fly more or less without a script.

Plot: A self-described hard rock group bearing a sound reminiscent of, oddly enough, Huey Lewis & The News, travels to a small town that doesn’t take too kindly to schmaltzy hard rockers with mustaches. Luckily, the group, led by homoerotic frontman Jessie (E.J. Curcio), finds a haven with creepy/foxy lady Elsa (Lisa Toothman). Unluckily, she lives with Adolph Hitler (Jack Bliesener) and his werewolf wife (Susan Prevatte), and they kill the band. Luckily, Cassie (Jennifer Coe), the awkward underage object of Jessie’s affections, plays a song that brings them back from the dead as… HARD ROCK ZOMBIES. Unluckily, other zombies show up too.

Nazi midgets come into play at some point too.

Thoughts: For the first 50 minutes or so, Hard Rock Zombies is the best movie I’ve ever purchased, if we compare quality to cost. At $1.98 [plus tax], I can say I got my money’s worth. The film promised me zombies, rock music, and Hitler. It delivered all three most hilariously. It’s a shame the second half stretches the premise out too thin, because the movie really is just amazing up to a point. It’s kitschy and ridiculous, but not so much that it becomes annoying.

Of course, most of what makes the movie so fantastic is its incredibad quality. The music blows. The Hitler subplot just seems so weird. Best of all, the zombies don’t follow any of the “zombie rules” that us good, God-fearing abide by. Think now: What body part do zombies love munching on the most?

BRAAAAAAIIIINNNNSSSS. Yet in Hard Rock Zombies, that’s actually the last thing the ghouls are interested in. Heads in general, actually, which the monsters avoid for reasons never really explained, although it does lead to one funny scene in which townspeople try dressing up as giant heads to dissuade the zombies from eating them. Also, the Hard Rock Zombies walk like robots. Good times.

Reflection: I watched this movie first thing in the morning, and it gave me the drive I needed to succeed in the work place!

Conan the Destroyer (1984)

Tagline: The Darkest Side of Magic. The Strongest Side of Man.

Curiosity: Oh hey, Conan’s back! And now he’s a destroyer!

Plot: Queen Taramis (Sara Douglas) convinces Conan (Arnold Brownschwagger) to take her virginal niece Jehna (Olivia D’Abo) on a quest to find a horn so they can awaken Andre the Giant [NOTE: According to the scholarly source Wikipedia, I am not kidding.]. She promises him some pretty cool stuff. Stuff I can’t reveal because it would spoil the ending to Conan the Barbarian, but I will say that it’s pretty great. Except she is filled with lies! She tells Jehna’s guardian, Bombaata (Wilt Chamberlain), to kill Conan and Jehna. What a dick!

Also Grace Jones shows up for a while and makes scary faces.

Thoughts: I’ll give Destroyer this: It’s better paced than Barbarian. The gang heads out to find a magical horn, they find it, and then they fight the bad guys. Shit is tight, and the final fight scene is cool to boot.

Yet somehow it’s still kind of a crappy movie. The gang of bandits Conan assembles (Jones, Malak, and Mako, the only other returning Barbarian cast member) do jack-shit the entire movie. The same is nearly true of Chamberlain, who spends the whole dang movie acting like such a huge prick to Conan that it’s hard to believe the guy never says anything about it. Ancient warriors hate talking about feelings, apparently.

In an inverted twist, the film’s attempts at comedy are awful, while plenty of scenes are unintentionally funny. An extended bit where Conan gets drunk feels… weird and wrong. The filmmakers are going for “funny drunk,” but Conan’s speaking style is so disconcertingly spacey that I kept waiting for him to pull a Buffalo Bill or something. Meanwhile, Conan punches horses left and right, and IT’S AWESOME.

Speaking of the horses, the filmmakers took some flak from animal right’s groups over whether or not animals were harmed during the production of the first film. This time around, the director made sure audiences could see horses get up after every stunt, which happens an awful lot. Viewers get scene after scene of decapitations and stabbings, but the pretty horsies always walk away unscathed.

Anyway, Destroyer is the more formulaic, sterile brother of Barbarian. So there.

Reflection: GRACE JONES PLEASE STOP YELLING AT ME.

Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Tagline: He conquered an empire with his sword. She conquered HIM with her bare hands.

Curiosity: I like swords. Also, it’s the film that made Arnold Brownschwagger a Hollywood star (unless you count, uh… Hercules in New York).

Plot: Conan (Brownschwagger) was born to be a warrior. A Cimmerian by birth, his father (William Smith) teaches him about fightin’ and swords during his formative years. Then his daddy gets torn apart by dogs, which is also important, just not in a “Top 10 Dad Memories” way. Conan’s mom dies soon after at the hands of warlord/cult leader Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and the boy is sold into slavery. Eventually, he is trained to be a gladiator. Because when someone has that much hate inside himself, ya might as well teach him how to kill people dead.

Eventually, Conan escapes the ring and begins a life of thievery before he once again crosses paths with Doom. Finally in control of his life for the first time, Conan must avenge his parents’ death. And eff the bejeebits out of his one true love, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman).

Thoughts: Overall, Conan the Barbarian is a pretty solid fantasy/action flick. But man are there moments that just drag. For every amazing, quasi-insane scene – Conan boinking a lady who turns into a demon, heads getting cut off, body builders being totally gay for each other, and such – there are long stretches of boring dialogue and scenes clearly meant to pad the running time. Depending on which edit you’re watching, the film exceeds two hours or so, it’s not like it really needed help extending itself. I could have done without the middle portion where Conan gets crucified (which is admittedly badass) only to be resurrected minutes later (which only creates a pretty big plot hole near the end, although I’m a sucker for Christ figures, especially when they’re this literal).

But when the film gets down to the nitty gritty action scenes, everything is A-OK. Brownschwagger is actually decent with a sword; it’s surprising he didn’t utilize that skill in later films. He also shows a knack for comedy. While the sequel Conan the Destroyer would overuse this element, here Arnold sprinkles in a dash of physical comedy every so often to great effect. Also he’s really muscle-y and stuff.

The supporting cast is good as well. Jones doesn’t get much screen time as Thulsa Doom, but he makes it count – pretty much every line reading is delivered way better than a pulpy movie of this caliber deserves. Bergman and Gerry Lopez make for affable accomplices to Conan’s adventures. Everybody else is just kind of there.

Reflection: Arnold gets three sex scenes, and each one is creepy in its own special way.

Next of Kin (1989)

Tagline: A man murdered in cold blood. But they didn't count on his brother’s revenge!

Curiosity: Patrick Swayze *swoon*

Plot: When Italian mobsters led by Joey Rosselini (Adam Baldwin) killed truck driver Gerald Gates (Bill Paxton), they weren’t counting on his family’s vengeance (as discussed above). On one side is Truman (da Swayz), a do-gooder cop who plays by the rules, and Briar (Liam Neeson), a bat shit insane mountain man who will stop at nothing to avenge his brother’s death. One has a ponytail, the other a creepy, scraggily beard. Shit is ’bout to get real in this hicks vs. degos battle of the stereotypes.

Thoughts: I respect the filmmakers behind Next of Kin, partially because they make no attempt to make their film realistic. The movie portrays Chicago and the wilds of Kentucky as being right next to each other. Truman manages to pull off all manner of double-crosses that he could never have possibly seen coming. And of course, being an ’80s movie, bullets miss the good guys by miles.

I also respect the film for its dogged refuse to cast ethnically appropriate actors. Swayze’s Texan accent doubles for a Kentuckian one, but watching Irishman Neeson overact his Southern accent is at times funny (He’s so much more cartoonishly Southern than anyone else in the picture) and sad (I mean, dude’s a good actor, ya know? It hurts watching him flounder in a B-movie). Also of interest are Baldwin and a young Ben Stiller, who play Italian mobsters.

Oh! Oh! I also respect the filmmakers for killing off Bill Paxton. Dude has made a career getting killed off by the greats – an alien in Aliens, the Terminator in Terminator, and a predator in Predator 2 – so it’s cool watching him get plugged by Jayne from Firefly.

But mostly, I respect the cast and crew for allowing this little snippet of foreplay between Swayze and love interest Helen Hunt:

“You wanna play it on my teeter-totter ahehehehehe?”

I won’t bother putting this come-on in context because, really, there is no context. There is no way you could say that to your significant other and think you are being sexy. Even better is that the line sounds like it was added in during ADR. I can see Swayze, who’s pretty great in the movie, agonizing over the line, trying to hit the timbre just so. Or maybe he just said it once as a joke and it got left in. I’ll never know.

But I will use this line on my girlfriend. Bonus points for saying it in front of her parents!

Reflection: Swazye really did have an awesome career.

Fist of Fury (1972)

Tagline: Bruce Lee has done the impossible... ...HE’S SURPASSED HIMSELF!!!

Curiosity: I’ve seen Bruce Lee kick people. But how good is he at… punching?!

Plot: Set in China circa 1908, Chen Zhen (Lee) returns to his martial arts school to marry his fiancé Yuan Le-erh (Nora Miao), only to learn that his master has died! Er’rybody swears he died of natural causes, but Zhen does not believe them. He suspects this was murder… most foul! His suspicions are further raised by the Japanese d-bags from another dojo who show up to the memorial service and totally make fun of them for having a dead teacher. What dicks! Zhen can’t prove they’re behind the murder using evidence, though, so he’ll have to resort to the next best thing: FISTS MADE ENTIRELY OUT OF FURY.

Thoughts: While Fist of Fury more prominently features Lee than his breakout film The Big Boss, it comes off as the weaker flick. The wardrobe department randomly disregards the movie’s early 1900s setting and settles for conventional ’70s attire for extras. Stunt men miss their marks, making someone as gifted as Lee look, well, not so good. But it’s also less creepy (r.e. – No incest! Yay!). Better yet, the film is more evenly paced, with each successive fight scene building towards greater and greater heights.

Looking back on it, I can say that Big Boss is more satisfying, but Fist of Fury’s intensity grows and grows. By the time Chen gets into his final boss battle the film throws out one “holy hey hey” moment after another, whereas Big Boss arguably peaks in the middle, during the factory fight scene. Fist, however, builds to a cavalcade of throat-punchings and swords and Nunchaku and more throat-punchings. I’m still all about Enter the Dragon, but Big Boss and Fist of Fury both validate Lee’s legendary status.

Reflection: Not to get all spoiler-y, but Lee sure did hate happy endings.

Iron Man 2 (2010)

Tagline: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! [NOTE: This is not the real tagline]

Curiosity: You mean besides the fact that it’s the sequel to one of my fave-o-rite movies? Howsabout the fact that it stars amazing actors Robert Downey Jr., Mickey Rourke, and Don Cheadle, as characters who beat the shit out of each other with robot armor. Fuck. Yes.

Plot: Iron Man 2 picks up where the original left off, with millionaire/genius/superhero Tony Stark (Downey) admitting at a press conference that he’s Iron Man. One guy watching the feed, Ivan Vanko (Rourke), isn’t too stoked on this revelation. Well, he is to the extent that now he’s more motivated to destroy Stark because his dad fucked with his dad. Sins of the father!

MEANWHILE…

Tony is getting picked on by the government because they realized they’re not as cool as Iron Man. Senator Gary Shandling (played with lifelike zeal by the real Shandling!) and competing weapons manufacturer Justin Hammer (Sam Rockwell) try to beat Tony up using words, but words can’t hurt Iron Man! Or… can they…?

MEANWHILE…

While Tony’s arc reactor prevents shrapnel from penetrating his heart, it’s also slowly poisoning him. BFFs “Rhodey” Rhodes (Cheadle) and Pepper Potts (Gwyneth Paltrow) don’t know, so they act like dicks to him.

MEANWHILE…

Tony frets about his legacy and all of the events mentioned above, but he also really, really wants to bone redheaded hottie Natalie Rushman (Scarlett Johansson). Will he?!

Thoughts: With a movie like Iron Man 2, it’s important to note upfront that I enjoyed it. I say this because I gots myself a ton of stuff to complain about. Like…

• The film’s weird knack for ripping off iconic moments from flicks like Ghostbusters and Predator (also National Treasure, of all fucking things).
  
  
• Johansson is pretty irrelevant/useless until the last 20 minutes. And even then she’s still not that helpful.
  
  
• I wanted more Rourke. Vanko/Whiplash is one badass scientist-y guy, and I really wanted to see him fuck shit up more often.
  
  
• …that being said, what the hell was up with Vanko’s subplot about loving parrots? Rourke had to argue with the studio to get the bird included, and the Internet in turn freaked the fuck out, but having seen the movie, I find all the reactions unwarranted. Had people not been so adamant one way or the other about this topic, I don’t think I’d have even noticed it in the film.
  
  
• Ehhhh… Iron Man is kind of a dick in this movie. But he’s a great DJ!
  
  
• This time around the film’s hints regarding an Avengers film were too much. Why can’t I just enjoy the movie I’m watching right now?

Alright, this bitching session is done. Iron Man 2 is still mostly all about explosions and robot suits and Downey being one cool customer. I loved all the principles, even though Johansson doesn’t do much. I even dug the meta humor over how Cheadle doesn’t look anything like Terrance Howard (who played Rhoadie in the first Iron Man). Downey and Paltrow have great chemistry, making their rapid fire back-and-forth moments some of the strongest scenes in the movie. Rockwell and Rourke are great villains as well. I’ve already covered how much I dug Rourke, but I need to give Rockwell credit for playing an excellent counter to Rourke. Whiplash is motivated by vengeance; his original plan against Tony didn’t have him surviving either. Hammer, however, is less serious, more motivated by money, and a total wiener in the best, funniest way possible. He’s clearly a bad guy, but Rockwell plays him as if he were a real corporate head, which is both bitterly funny and a nice anchor when mixed with all of the sweet, sweet explosions.

While Iron Man 2 isn’t quite as fun as the original – those middle scenes where Tony is dying aren’t exactly uplifting – it still delivers on the promises of Iron Man without ruining its legacy. It’s not an X2 or Dark Knight, but it’s still good. Whether or not it will translate to a successful Avengers movie remains to be seen.

Reflection: My friends and I got ice cream afterwards. That was fun too.

Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2010)

Tagline: This time it’s spreading.

Curiosity: It’s a sequel to Eli Roth’s original helmed by Ti West, and I’m pretty into that guy right now.

Plot: Picking up where the original left off, Paul (Rider Strong, Boy Meets World) wakes up in a river and stumbles to a nearby road. He gets hits by a school bus and explodes while a campy/retro title logo pops up. And then the movie starts!

John (Noah Segan, Kablam! Remember Kablam!? Also Brick) is a super-smart Catholic school kid with a super-dumb crush on Cassie (Alexi Wasser). Cassie seems like a nice gal, but her on again, off again boyfriend Marc (Marc Senter, I Know Who Killed Me) is psycho-crazy. Like bash your face in with a fire extinguisher crazy [SPOILER ALERT: This is actually one of the tamer scenes!]. These three square off over the penultimate conflict: Is prom bullshit or rad?

Also the flesh-eating virus from the first movie is still eating flesh. Winston the cop (Giuseppe Andrews) returns as well and says funny things.

Thoughts: I had just as many reasons to avoid Cabin Fever 2 as I did to check it out. It’s a sequel to Eli Roth’s hi-larious Cabin Fever (that’s good!), but it went straight to DVD (that’s bad! But then again so did Wrong Turn 2: Dead End and that ish rocked). Ti West wrote and directed, and got the cast and crew he wanted (that’s good!), but he left the film during post-production and it was edited by… other people (that’s worrisome!). But he did it to make The House of the Devil (which was great!). West has since distanced himself from the project, which is a shame since it’s a pretty funny, albeit puke-inducing, gorefest in the tradition of John Waters and Troma.

Which is exactly what I don’t think of when I think of West’s work. Trigger Man and The House of the Devil both have a casual pace. His films aren’t interesting because of the kills, but the moments in between them. West actually bothers to develop his characters (even if, in Trigger Man’s case, those developments are extremely slight). Cabin Fever 2 may or may not prove his range as a horror filmmaker. It moves at a clip, constantly dropping tasty treats filled with blood ‘n’ puss. It’s not quite Pink Flamingos, but it’ll clear a room just as effectively.

Some of the humor fails – any resemblance to American Pie is regrettable – and the dialogue relies too much on profanity over wit. At least Judah Friedlander gets in a great quote: “She told me she was 18, and I always believe everything children say.” It’s no “Yeah, he's a professor... of being a dog!” but it made me laugh. Yet it’s the film’s gross-out gags where the biggest laughs are, however uncomfortable they may be. I’m talking about herpes joke here. Severed limbs. And a pool sex scene between two teens that starts off weird and just gets worse/better from there. While I’d be interested in seeing West’s original edit, for now I’m pretty OK with the final, fairly gross result.

Reflection: My girlfriend and I were too skeeved out to have dinner afterwards, though. Well, OK, she was too skeeved out. I was pretty hungry.