Conan the Barbarian (1982)

Tagline: He conquered an empire with his sword. She conquered HIM with her bare hands.

Curiosity: I like swords. Also, it’s the film that made Arnold Brownschwagger a Hollywood star (unless you count, uh… Hercules in New York).

Plot: Conan (Brownschwagger) was born to be a warrior. A Cimmerian by birth, his father (William Smith) teaches him about fightin’ and swords during his formative years. Then his daddy gets torn apart by dogs, which is also important, just not in a “Top 10 Dad Memories” way. Conan’s mom dies soon after at the hands of warlord/cult leader Thulsa Doom (James Earl Jones) and the boy is sold into slavery. Eventually, he is trained to be a gladiator. Because when someone has that much hate inside himself, ya might as well teach him how to kill people dead.

Eventually, Conan escapes the ring and begins a life of thievery before he once again crosses paths with Doom. Finally in control of his life for the first time, Conan must avenge his parents’ death. And eff the bejeebits out of his one true love, Valeria (Sandahl Bergman).

Thoughts: Overall, Conan the Barbarian is a pretty solid fantasy/action flick. But man are there moments that just drag. For every amazing, quasi-insane scene – Conan boinking a lady who turns into a demon, heads getting cut off, body builders being totally gay for each other, and such – there are long stretches of boring dialogue and scenes clearly meant to pad the running time. Depending on which edit you’re watching, the film exceeds two hours or so, it’s not like it really needed help extending itself. I could have done without the middle portion where Conan gets crucified (which is admittedly badass) only to be resurrected minutes later (which only creates a pretty big plot hole near the end, although I’m a sucker for Christ figures, especially when they’re this literal).

But when the film gets down to the nitty gritty action scenes, everything is A-OK. Brownschwagger is actually decent with a sword; it’s surprising he didn’t utilize that skill in later films. He also shows a knack for comedy. While the sequel Conan the Destroyer would overuse this element, here Arnold sprinkles in a dash of physical comedy every so often to great effect. Also he’s really muscle-y and stuff.

The supporting cast is good as well. Jones doesn’t get much screen time as Thulsa Doom, but he makes it count – pretty much every line reading is delivered way better than a pulpy movie of this caliber deserves. Bergman and Gerry Lopez make for affable accomplices to Conan’s adventures. Everybody else is just kind of there.

Reflection: Arnold gets three sex scenes, and each one is creepy in its own special way.