Head (1968)

Tagline: A movie for a turned-on audience!

Curiosity: It came with the “America Lost and Found” boxed set from The Criterion Collection.

Plot: I have no idea what’s going on, man.

Thoughts: Head is an important movie because of what happened after its release; namely, it set Jack Nicholson up for a role in break-out films like Easy Rider, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and Five Easy Pieces. He co-wrote and even briefly appeared in Head. The film also launched BBS, a pivotal production company if for no other reason than they made Easy Rider, which, for all the baby boomer bullshit that gets attached nowadays, is still a really, really good road movie. So yeah, let me just say that Head is an important movie.

But it sure isn’t a good one. Sheesh hoosafex, does this movie stink like butts on all fronts. It’s essentially a plotless 90-minutes in which The Monkees (Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, and Davy Jones) run around make absurdist statements and occasionally breaking into song. They show up in various situations (a Western, a war, a big black box, etc.) and crack wise, but it never adds up to anything coherent. It’s very psychedelic, but at 90 minutes, it’s a bit of a chore. And let me say, Easy Rider managed to be trippier with its acid sequence and tell a coherent story, however sparse.

Still, Head did make me laugh a few times. The opening scene, in which an official’s attempts to use a microphone result in a repetitious drone, was hilarious. Random oddball jokes scored a chuckle (Frank Zappa appears to remind Davy Jones about the need for artistic integrity, before walking off with a talking cow). I also like whenever the laughing giant guy shows up for no reason. The movie could’ve used more WTF moments like that, because as is, Head just isn’t something I see myself watching ever again. I’m not necessarily against movies steeped in drug culture, Head is just a complete mess. Rumor has it The Monkees made it to sabotage their goofy TV image. Well, mission accomplished.

Reflection: For a great movie-with-musicians, check out Two-Lane Blacktop instead.

Spy Game (2001)

Tagline: It’s not how you play the game. It’s how the game plays you.

Curiosity: My fiancée is all about Brad Pitt and, curiously, Robert Redford.

Plot: When secret agent Tom Bishop (Pitt) is captured trying to break out a woman from a Chinese prison, Washington goes poop-crazy. The only friend Tom has left is Nathan Muir (Redford). It’s his last day of on the force (ain’t that always the way?), but he’ll be darned if anybody is gonna mess with that handsome devil Tommy Bishop. Only thing is, Muir needs to trick his opponents in order to free Bishop. He’s gotta play the game. The SPY game, if you will.

The spy game involves sending in the Navy SEALs to fuck shit up [SPOILER ALERT].

Thoughts: What makes Spy Game so great is that it’s essentially two hours of Robert Redford being smarter than everyone ever. People will be all like, “Hey Robert Redford, your friend is totally gonna die and you can’t save him and also you have to retire, dick-butt.” And then Redford will say “Yeah, you’re right,” to their faces. But in his head he’s all “Shazam! I got this.”

…and that’s pretty much all that’s going on. We get a lot of weird backstory about Pitt and Redford meeting in Vietnam (the bulk of the story takes place in 1991, by the by), which is hilariously First Blood-ish. But mostly, it’s just your body Redford telling people to eat a bag of dicks. Because that’s what happens when you lose the spy game, baby.

Reflection: I don’t think Brad Pitt has any lines for the first 40 minutes. Discuss.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Tagline: Evolution becomes revolution.

Curiosity: Apes be getting crazy! Also my baby girl wanted to see this for some reason (I blame Freida Pinto).

Plot: Dr. Will Rodman (James Franco) is trying to cure Alzheimer’s, and the key to doing so lies in creating a virus that can repair brain cells. Not only does this virus repair cells, though, it also creates new ones, resulting in a marked increase in intelligence in the apes he’s testing the virus on. But when one of the apes, Bright Eyes, goes psycho-crazy, Rodman loses his funding and is ordered to kill the rest of the test subjects. But he can’t bring himself to kill Bright Eyes’ baby, Caesar (Andy Serkis). Instead, he raises Caesar in secret with his Alzheimer’s-stricken father (John Lithgow). Rodman and Caesar become good buddies, and together they pick up a pretty lady (Pinto) and have some great times.

Then shit gets fucked.

Thoughts: I feel like most of my praise for Rise of the Planet of the Apes consists of backhanded compliments. It’s pretty good, despite being the seventh Apes movie and having a terrible ad campaign and jumping around plot points considerably. But it’s true: I don’t think many people on the Internets thought it was gong to be a good movie, and instead it’s the best movie to come out this summer. What the fuck.

If anything, what makes the film work is that it borrows strategies from Batman Begins (gritty reboot that respects the source material and jettisons camp) and 2001: A Space Odyssey (the most human character isn’t actually human). Serkis has always done incredible motion capture work (Lord of the Rings, King Kong), and Apes is yet another moving performance from the guy in a wet suit. But the whole cast is great, if underutilized. Franco gets plenty of screen time, but Pinto, Lithgow, and Brian Cox all feel underutilized. They’re great, as is Tom Felton (trading the British douchebaggery of Draco Malfoy for the American douchebaggery of Dodge Landon), but they all could have gotten more.

But then, Apes needs its brisk pacing to keep things moving, considering it takes place over the course of about 15 years or something. It also jumps from genre to genre – rom-com to sci-fi to drama to action – so focusing on any one element might have derailed the film. While I wouldn’t exactly put it on the same level as Batman Begins or 2001 – too many convenient plot twists – it’s an emotionally affecting work. You can come into with the thinnest awareness of the Apes franchise and still get caught up in the characters, although fans will surely enjoy all of the references to the series. Sure it gets clunky at times – recycling that “Damn dirty ape” bit is too obvious – but as a whole, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is easily the best movie of the summer.

Verdict: Seriously, best movie with worst ad campaign 2011. I’m glad it’s making money despite the truly shitty trailers and posters.

Heavy Metal (1981)

Tagline: A step beyond science fiction!

Curiosity: I was never allowed to watch it as a kid. That, Black Sabbath’s “Mob Rules” is on the soundtrack, and that tune fuggin’ rules.

Plot: Dudes fuck busty ladies with their boners. Also, some bad guys are trying to obtain a green orb with mysterious powers.

But mostly boners.

Thoughts: Oh wow. Oh… geez, man. In order to appreciate Heavy Metal, you really need to be in the film’s target demographic, which is horny 13-year-old boys. Otherwise, you might fixate on how every character is nothing more than a sex party waiting to happen, or how the plot is a paper-thin boob-delivery system. But even judged as fan service, Heavy Metal falls short due to uneven animation. I just don’t think the human body works the way the film depicts.

As science fiction, Heavy Metal is even worse. The orb actually reminds me of the one ring from Lord of the Rings, in that both are evil objects that few can control. Except Lord of the Rings is a literary masterpiece, and Heavy Metal is a piece of shit.

But wait, given that the movie is called Heavy Metal, it surely must have a ballin’ soundtrack, right? Wrong. Outside of Black Sabbath and maybe Blue Öyster Cult, there is no metal on the soundtrack. Sure, it’s got Devo, whom I love, but they seem inappropriate. What makes the collection laughable, though, is the inclusion of artists like Journey, Sammy Hagar, Grand Funk Railroad, and fucking Stevie Nicks. I know Heavy Metal is “inspired” by a sci-fi erotica mag, but this music is just shit.

Reflection: IF YOU LISTEN TO FOOLS / THE MOB RULES / GUITAR SQUEALIE!