My Decade in Crap, #20-11

The Top 50 Somethings of the Something Something Something

20. Haute Tension (2003)

Holy bejeebits, this movie is intense. Director/co-writer Alexandre Aja, co-writer Grégory Levasseur, and make-up artist Giannetto De Rossi (Zombi, Dune, and motha-lickin’ Dragonheart ya’ll) rarely flinch in their depiction of The Killer (Philippe Nahon) as he murders a French family and proceeds to torture the heck out of BFFs Marie (Cécile de France) and Alex (Maïwenn Le Besco). Throats are slit, hands are cut off, kindly gas station attendants are axed for grabbing the wrong alcoholic beverage. There are buckets of blood galore. De Rossi’s effects are incredible, made all the most amazing since he was pretty much on his own during filming. This one’s got plenty of “Oh shit” moments.

19. Children of Men (2006)

Alfonso Cuarón’s dystopian future, in which women become infertile for 18 years, is striking. Cuarón favors lengthy continuous shots, even going so far as to invent new technology so he can place cameras in close quarters. It gives a war documentary feel to a film about the world falling apart. Cuarón feels that, if we found out the world was going to slowly die out, we’d all just get more violent, more willing to kill, because we’re all going to die anyway. People get so crazy in this future that when a pregnant woman actually shows up (Claire-Hope Ashitey), she becomes more of a political tool than a symbol of hope, as different factions fight for control of her unborn child. Despite its science fiction elements, Children of Men comes off as totally realistic, and more than just a little similar to current events. Being a human myself (I ain’t no stinkin’ Reploid!), I want to believe that all of the violence committed by both armed forces and terrorists in this film is just fiction, that no one would kill in the name of something so unrelated and ridiculous. But replace “baby” with “God,” and you’ve pretty much found yourself in a Bob Dylan song, my man. Everyone thinks they’re fighting with God/baby on their side.

18. Up (2009)

As intense as Children of Men gets, it doesn’t quite hit me in the gut the same way as Up. Sure, it’s a colorful South American adventure packed with cute animals, but it’s also about how love and life don’t last forever. But Up is by no means a sad movie; just an emotional one. It reminds viewers to live for tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on. It’s a heady family movie, certainly, but one I think kids should see.

17. Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

Retro ’80s camp comedy from the guys that brought us Stella and The State. Alternately touching and absurdist, it’s one of the best comedies of the decade.





16. The Triplets of Belleville (2003)

Sylvain Chomet’s animated feature-length debut about a French cyclist captured and forced into an American gambling ring and his grandmother’s attempts to save him delighted me when I saw it in theaters in 2003. The film is certainly whimsical, but it’s also not afraid to satirize cultures either. Americans get hit the hardest as money-grubbing fatsos, but Chomet certainly dishes out parodies of the French and the Italians as well. As for the titular Triplets, they have a hand in the plot too. Bonus points for Ben Charest’s amazing soundtrack.

15. The Incredibles (2004)

I love superhero movies. I love Pixar. Surely a combination of the two would be thoroughly, unequivocally, perhaps even totally awesome. Oh wait, I already know it would awesome, thanks to The Incredibles. Sort of like a Disney-fied Fantastic Four, the film stars the eponymous family as they attempt to blend in with ordinary people. Superheroes have been outlawed, but every so often, Mr. Incredible (Craig T. Nelson) and his buddy Frozone (Samuel L. Jackson) go out and fight crime anyway. Mr. Incredible later takes on an assignment fighting robots on a tropical island (Best job ever?) from an anonymous benefactor, giving income to the family and giving Mr. Incredible an outlet for his superpowers. But when his boss turns out to be kind of a villain – and Mr. Incredible’s wife Elastigirl (Holly Hunter) and kids Violet (Sarah Vowell) and Dash (Spencer Fox) get involved – the plot thickens. Ah heck, it’s just a dang cool movie.

14. Iron Man (2008)

Superhero movies in the new millennium tended to focus on the tortured hero – Spider-man, Batman, etc. – the angsty warrior who wants to save society but also wants to… love? That makes for some splendid drama, but the kid in me appreciates a film like Iron Man for doing the exact opposite: Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark, a super rich, super cool guy with a metal suit that can fly and shoot lasers. He has tons of sweet gadgets like Batman, only without all the weird mental issues. He’s suave and sexy, he’s like the James Bond of this decade, which is funny, since this decade’s James Bond (Daniel Craig) is really fucking emo. He listens to Suicidal Tendencies because, in addition to being ridiculously rich and awesome, he also has good taste in music. There were better superhero movies in the nils, but Iron Man is the only superhero on this list that I would actually want to be.

13. Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Wes Anderon’s last live action movie received a less than warm reception from some folks, and to be fair, the film does occasionally feel static due to its overuse of Anderson’s trademarks – dry reactions, Kinks songs, and Owen Wilson – but Darjeeling Limited, coupled with its prologue Hotel Chevalier, is a fantastic road trip film, as three brothers (Wilson, Adrian Brody, and Jason Schwartzman) travel by train through India to find their mother (Angelica Houston) after their father’s death. The locations Anderson captures throughout India are gorgeous, as are the performances. While Darjeeling Limited recycles some of Life Aquatic’s camera tricks, I feel like it’s the better film – more even in tone, with a more resonant emotional depth as we watch the three brothers interact.

12. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Adaptation might be the better Charlie Kaufman film, but dammit I’m a sucker for movies about failed romances. Kaufman dials down his weirdness (relatively speaking) for this Michel Gondtry-directed film about what people would do if they could have surgery to forget their ex-lovers. The film’s conclusion is up to the viewer – Can you rekindle romance with someone who is now a total stranger to you? Will it create a doomed cycle? Is memory erasure too extreme a measure of moving on? Anchored by leads Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, it’s a pretty cool love/anti-love movie.

11. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Given that he pretty much never headlined a good movie again (Stranger Than Fiction aside), I forgot how funny Will Ferrell was in his prime, exuding wit and charm while playing some of the dumbest buffoons in film and television. And while he watered down the Ron Burgundy man-child character type for stinkers like Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and Semi-Pro, Anchorman still holds up as an absurd slice of ’70s-loving humor. The film is packed with comedy aces – Christina Applegate, Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, Dave Koechner, plus a bevy of guest stars – firing off memorably quotes like “60 percent of the time, it works every time” and “I am a man. I am an anchor-man!”

TOMORROW: TOP 10 MOVIES OF THE DECADE. SHIT GETS FUCKING REAL.