My Decade in Crap, #10-1

Oh man, all this talking about decent movies is giving me me a headache. Time to watch some John Cena movies, STAT!

Top 50 Movies of the Decade, #10-1

10. Coraline (2009)

It’s a gorgeous stop-motion fantasy film about a girl’s battle against a soul-sucking demon. Also, Bruno Coulais’ score is magical. So there!

9. Clerks II (2006)

It’s been rough for Kevin Smiths fans in the new millennium. Judd Apatow stole the guy’s thunder as the new hooker with a heart of gold, although I’ve found Smith’s films still have merit (Even Jersey Girl, which people seemed to actively hate for being nice). His strongest outing in the aughts returned to the Clerks well for an update on Randall (Jeff Anderson) and Dante (Brian O’Halloran). This time around, Smith brought the same sense of maturity he tried out on Jersey Girl. Sure, there’s still plenty of gross-out humor and monologues about Star Wars, but weightier topics like aging, maturity, and what it means to stay stuck in the service industry. While the running time is a bit tight, Clerks II comprises Smith’s various qualities – the hater, the goofball, and the romantic.

8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)

The kids from the late, lamented Freaks and Geeks have done A-OK. None has done better than Nick Andropolis himself, Jason Segel. Dude’s put in great work on projects like Undeclared, SLC Punk, and Knocked Up. His crowning cinematic achievement has been Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which he both wrote and starred in. It’s a break-up movie – Segel gets dumped, tries to move on, and comedic hijinks ensues, all in the beautiful state of Hawaii. Segel has always been a loveable goofball, and the film draws heavily from his life, from the embarrassing break-ups to the passion for Muppets. This is my favorite feel-good movie.

7. Wall-E (2008)

Over the last 15 years, Pixar has established itself as the boldest and best source of family films. The studio consistently turns out strong features that appeal to kids, but present a sophistication that appeals to adults as well. The company’s boldest film to date has been Wall-E. Pixar movies are dependable for A) magical characters and B) shitty humans, and Wall-E takes B to the extreme. In the distant future, mankind has gone to the stars, leaving Earth a total dump. Robots called Wall-E units were left behind to clean the planet up. Most, if not all, of them have broken down, but one kindly unit with a passion for antiques and musicals remains. The film follows his relatively dialogue-free adventures, including his exploits with love robo-interest EVE. Wall-E has a stern environmentalist message, but it’s also a pretty sweet love story between two ’bots. It was a gamble for the studio to try something so experimental on children, but it paid off. This is my favorite romantic movie. For serious.

6. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)

Of all the films I’m willing to watch should they show up on TV, The Royal Tenenbaums is the one I have dropped everything for. The story of Royal Tenenbaum’s (Gene Hackman) quest to ingratiate himself to his ex-wife (Angelica Houston) and three ex-prodigy children (Ben Stiller, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Luke Wilson), it’s perhaps director/co-writer Wes Anderson’s funniest film this decade, with crack comic timing from the leads, as well as co-star/co-writer Own Wilson, Danny Glover, and Billy Murray. The humor is dry, even smug at times, of course, but it never gets so self-absorbed that it forgets it emotional core. When I say I set aside whatever I’m doing to watch The Royal Tenenbaums on TV, I really mean I try to make it at least to Luke Wilson’s suicide scene. It’s so beautifully shot, and such a messed up culmination of one of the film’s subplots. I get a bit of a J.D. Salinger vibe watching this movie, a la Nine Stories or Franny and Zooey, which is always appreciated. It’s hard to pick my favorite director of the decade – Chris Nolan, Edgar Wright, and Peter Jackson are all on the short list – but Anderson is definitely a contender.

5. Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings Trilogy" (2001-2003)

In high school, my supreme dorky dedication was not to Star Trek, Star Wars, or, uh, Battlefield Earth. It was to Lord of the Rings (OK and Buffy the Vampire Slayer). While The Fellowship of the Ring is the only entry I have no issue with whatsoever (Director Peter Jackson made a mistake attaching The Two Towers’ cliffhanger ending to The Return of the King), the trilogy was just so got-damned epic. I’d been a fan of the books, but the films streamlined the tale of one group’s efforts to destroy a ring so powerful that it will allow some floating eye named Sauron to conquer the world. This is a big deal. Appropriately, ever scene is huge – my favorites include the battle at Helm’s Deep, in which Frodo (Elijah Wood) and company encounter the Balrog, a demon made of ash and flame, and the (sorry to repeat the word) epic, epic, fucking epic battle at the end of the Fellowship between the humans and orcs. Being a Rings fan took dedication. The theatrical cuts were long, but the director’s cuts on DVD were even more of an endurance test. Star Wars fans have it easy when it comes to alternate versions; Rings fans actually have to think about these things (I find that Fellowship’s theatrical cut is superior, but the Towers extended edition has so much added character development that I don’t think I could ever watch the original edit again. As for King, well, the director’s cut is something like five-and-a-half hours long, so tread carefully).

4. Hot Fuzz (2007)

Just as some prefer The Godfather Part II, Aliens, or The Empire Strikes Back, I prefer Hot Fuzz, the second installment in director/writer Edgar Wright and star/writer Simon Pegg’s “Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy,” over Shaun of the Dead. The duo has always shown love for the genres they satirize, and Hot Fuzz gently ribs on action/buddy flicks while still be one just as well at Shaun did with zombie films. The only difference is I prefer action movies. Pegg and co-star/hetero life mate Nick Frost bring panache to stereotypical action lines like “Shit just got real” and “I’m about to blow this thing wide open” as they investigate mysterious murders in the seemingly quaint town of Sandford. There are too many “hell yeah” moments to count.

3. Chris Nolan's Batman films (2005-2008)

OK, so you know all that stuff I said about how Iron Man works by focusing on being a fun thrill ride instead of just another doom-n-gloom superhero movie? Well, I like Chris Nolan’s brand of doom-n-gloom. He took one of the most awesomest superheroes of all time to a dark place that was way more satisfyingly gritty than Batman and Robin without devolving into Frank Miller self-parody. First he did it with Batman Begins, the best comic book origin movie of all time. Christian Bale is badass as Batman, but he maintains such an easy report with co-stars Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman. Throw in the always welcome Liam Neeson, and it’s a whiz bang action flick with some brains. I look upon even the film’s weaknesses – like that one guy whose sole purpose is to explain the bad guy’s plan to the audience – with love. Same goes for The Dark Knight, a film which I don’t think Nolan could ever top. Everyone seems to agree that Heath Ledger was amazing as the Joker, so I’ll keep my praise brief: Sometimes I pop my Knight DVD in just so I can skip to Ledger’s scenes. The only reason I don’t think a good Dark Knight sequel could exist is because it won’t have Ledger in it. The energy between him and Bale entraps me every time – the Batpod chase, the interrogation, etc. – every scene is so intense. Point out plot holes all you want; this shit is epic.

2. Do You Remember?: 15 Years of The Bouncing Souls (2003)

I was flipping through my DVD collection for inspiration for this list when it hit me: Do You Remember?. Of course. It’s the punk rock documentary by which I judge all other punk rock documentaries, including the legendary ones. Per its title, the film chronicles the Souls’ formation in 1987 up to just before the release of their seminal 2003 record, Anchors Aweigh. The cast of commentators is many, starting with their childhood friends and then working through the musicians and artists they met along the way. It makes for a pretty great story; even the inside jokes make me feel included in their history. I mean, the joy in their faces when they explain how they wrote some of my favorite songs is incredible. Yet the story is also pretty emotionally affecting, specifically when the band and filmmakers try to explain the departure of original drummer Shal Khichi without billing anyone involved as the bad guy. Given how much I came to love Shal through the documentary, let alone his involvement in albums like Maniacal Laughter and Hopeless Romantic, his psychological issues hit pretty hard. I hope when the Souls hit the 30-year mark – and I have no doubt that they will – they commemorate a second documentary to catch me up on the time spent with wonder-drummer Michael McDermott. Do you remember? I do.

1. The Marine (2006)

This is not a joke.

My roommates Nick and Eric and I had a thing for watching professional wrestling in our dorm lounge in 2006. We saw so many commercials for John Cena’s The Marine on WWE Raw that we finally caved – this would be a legendary event we dubbed “Night of Men.” We would smoke cigars and watch the manliest movie of perhaps all time. Instead, we ate Cinnabon and watched The Marine, the tale of one man’s quest to rescue his wife from diamond thieves. We went into it expecting something hilariously bad. What we got was the best film of the decade.

This is not a joke.

The Marine is free of moralizing, political correctness, things that can’t explode, or natural boobs. Everything about is essential – Cena’s sparse dialogue reveals him as a man of action, not words. Villain Robert Patrick brings an uncomfortably sexual take on his character. He’s also batshit insane. The Joker jokes about not having a plan in The Dark Knight; Patrick really doesn’t. He makes some truly awful decisions, and the film is as much about how poor life choices stack up against us as it is about Cena’s love for his wife (Kelly Carlson)… or explosions. My God the explosions. Director John Bonito blows up so much stuff that, were it not for a behind-the-scenes featurette on the DVD, I would’ve sworn that The Marine was 90 percent digital fire. It is instead 90 percent REAL FUCKING FIRE. This is not camp, nor is this melodrama. This is The Marine, “one of the God damn best.”