The Marine 3: Homefront (2013)

Tagline: He's back home from war, but the battle has just begun.

Curiosity: I unironically love the shit out of the first two movies. No, seriously

Plot: When his sister and his dickless boyfriend get kidnapped by terrorists on a rusted out boat, it's up to marine Jake Carter (Reality show star the Miz) to save the day. Well, him and a whole mess of cops and government agents. Also the terrorists are kind of bumbling and have vaguely defined plans. You know what, Jake, just go home. Everything is going to be fine.

Thoughts: It finally happened. I finally hated a Marine movie. And let me tell you, watching the Marine trilogy (TRILOGY!!!) has been a rather significant bonding experience for my friends Nick, Eric, and I. Dubbed "Night of Men," we saw the original in theaters. That's right, we paid to see it in a theater, and then paid to own it on DVD. Eric and Nick are almost definitely going to buy it again on Blu-Ray. These were action movies that deserve to be cult favorites. They blend humor and explosions into a fine mix rarely seen these days.

The first in a three-picture deal with Fox, The Marine 3 breaks away from the series by A) having a sister get kidnapped instead of a wife and B) making the titular Marine completely inconsequential to the plot. Seriously. Jake Carter's actions do not matter in this movie. The terrorists, led by a slumming Neil McDonough, start off pretty cool with a bank heist so precisely planned that they know the most secretest details about the bank's staff...only to set the money on fire. The whole thing has an Occupy connotation to it, but it neglects to mention that most banks in the U.S. have this thing called insurance. Their actions do not accomplish anything.

After the heist, their motivation gets completely lost. They buy a shit ton of guns, shot their weapons dealer for haggling, and then hang out on a boast for most of the film's 85 minutes. When they finally get a chance to do something (plant bombs or something), they get caught in a shootout with law enforcement in the streets, Heat-style. Even when Jake gets a chance to shine by disposing of the bombs, he still feels inessential to the plot simply by trying too hard. The Miz simply does not get enough to do despite playing the main character.

Nick observed that the title character feels shoehorned into the film, as if WWE Films bought the script and then added some Mariney stuff to keep the franchise going. Compared to the production values on the first two films, there's very little here in the way of choreography, set design, plot... everything, really. The film barely makes any sense, even by action movie standards. Watching the special features is profoundly uncomfortable, as the cast and crew try to sound excited about filming on an actually abandoned, tetanus-loaded boat.

I cannot recommend the first two Marine films enough, as they have a real charm to them. Marine 3, however, simply does not meet that standard. It plays more like a made-for-TV movie, bad effects 'n' all.

Reflections: I cannot believe I keep buying these movies, nor can I believe how sad the documentaries make me feel.