Tag line: When all else fails, they don’t.
Curiosity: The film is based off of the cartoon/action figure line of the same name. If you’re unfamiliar, congrats, you’re either under 20 or a girl who likes girly things for girls. Have fun with you’re My Size Barbie, you girl!
Thoughts at the time: While it’s by no means a knockout action picture like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a surprisingly solid, faithful adaptation of the ’80s cartoon. I mean, let’s face it – that show was pretty got-damned ridiculous. Cobra Commander once tried using ghosts to fight the Joes. So while the film is CGI-heavy, a little cheap-looking, and kinda sorta maybe stupid, it delivers as much from its source material as one could reasonably expect. An international armed force led by my man Dennis Quaid takes on terrorists. Cobra Commander is still crazy. Zartan is still a good impressionist. Scarlett, uh, still has red hair. Be glad the film avoids Cobra-La. And it even takes strides to justify elements of the cartoon, from referencing its “Knowing is half the battle” catch phrase to explaining why soldiers might prefer laser rifles over “real” guns with bullets. So while you can nitpick certain elements - why are Baroness and Cobra Commander siblings? - ultimately, yer just hating freedom.
With a few exceptions, the cast is solid enough. Quaid is the same hardass from films like Vantage Point. Reviews have referenced John Wayne in describing Quaid’s delivery here as General Hawk, and that sounds about right. Ray Park and Byung-hun Lee are the two coolest characters of the film, on account of them being ninjas (Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, respectively). While Snake Eyes’ costume is a little distracting (Why did they give his mask lips?), Storm Shadow looks down-right pimpin’ in his white suits. Christopher Eccleston deserves points for his Destro, if only because he actually bothers to give him a Scottish accent. Sienna Miller, as a majorly altered Baroness, gets similar credit for maintaining her American accent throughout.
Where the film suffers, though, is in Channing Tatum (Duke). The guy sounds and emotes about as well as John Cena, only without his sense of humor. Duke was the moral center of the G.I. Joe cartoon, but he’s the live action film’s biggest, dullest liability. Whenever he’s on screen, I could give a shit. But when Snake Eyes jumps around and does ninja stuff, I’m all ears.
As for Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s much-talked about turn as Cobra Commander, I was a little disappointed by his voice and costume. Given that the film is an origin story for Cobra, his initial appearance is OK, but the final unveiling of the Commander’s helmet is really lackluster. That said, while Destro is the main bad guy here, thus denying CC screen time, Gordon-Levitt does get the guy’s mannerisms down pat. If Cobra makes enough money to warrant the sequel which this film hints at, I think he could really grow into the role.
Of course, the movie's special effects blow. I get that CGI makes movies easier to make, but it also causes them to look cheaper. Rise of Cobra had a budget of $170 million, but it looks like a Sci-Fi Channel original movie in parts.
Reflection: I hate it when people get heavy on spoilers in reviews, so forgive me for outlining why G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra borrows liberally from the first X-Men film. Some stuff was going to be unavoidable – like recasting the good guys in tight, black outfits. But the fact that the films begin (origin story of the main villain, followed by the exact same Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference, “In the not too distant future…”) and end (trust me on this one) the same way is a little dubious. Oh yeah, and they both star Ray Park.
Of course, the film most people will compare Joe to is Revenge of the Fallen. And while Joe possesses none of that film’s lows, it certainly doesn’t have its highs either. There isn't a single scene that grabs me quite like when Optimus Prime rips off robots' faces. Duke is supposed to be Joe’s Optimus Prime/Superman/Smokey the Bear, but mostly he just turns chickenshit every time he sees Baroness. Maybe the next movie can just focus on Snake Eyes. In the meantime, Masters of the Universe continues to stand as the best film adaptation of a toy line.
Oh, and can we get a freaking cameo from Sgt. Slaughter next time?
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