Commando (1985)

Tagline: Somewhere, somehow, someone’s going to pay.

Curiosity: It’s Arnold Brownschwagger killin’ stuff.

Plot: Retired U.S. Army colonel John Matrix (’schwagger) is enjoying a life of not-killing with his daughter, Jenny (Alyssa Milano), when his old war buddy General Franklin Kirby (James Olson) shows up to inform him that somebody is killing off members of John’s squad. About five seconds after Kirby leaves, dudes with guns show up and shoot many, many bullets at John’s face. Luckily, he was able to smell them (for serious), so he kills ’em dead, but not before they kidnap his daughter.

Deposed Val Verde dictator Arius (Dan Hedaya) is behind the attacks. He wants Matrix to kill the president of his country and reinstate him. Aided by Bennett (Vernon Wells), who was kicked out of John’s special forces team for being a dick, Arius sends Matrix on an 11-hour flight towards political assasinatin’.

Turns out they really just gave him 11 hours to kill everyone ever.

Thoughts: Commando may very well be the ultimate escapist action flick of the ’80s, the Marine of its day, if you will. Brownschwagger has a quip for every kill, no matter how forced. Any wound he takes is forgotten in 30 seconds or less. He stabs a ridiculous amount of dudes. The film cops some plot points from First Blood, but avoids all that political sermonizing. Also, the Schwagg is funny. Check out this clip:

HI-LARIOUS. How many knees did you just slap laughing? The answer may surprise you!

I was also struck by how the film makes very little effort to justify Brownschwagger’s participation in the film. Much like Cena in The Marine, he’s way too buff for a retired soldier. Looking Wells’ paunch, it’s hard to believe their final confrontation takes longer than five seconds. At least we get a quick line about his accent. But that plays into the fantasy element, I suppose. Dude runs around, kicks butt, avoids wearing shirts. Righteous.

Final note: I love how the last few lines of dialogue blatantly set up a sequel, even though Commando 2 never happened, as Brownschagger felt he had made a complete artistic statement with this film. Interestingly, the proposed script for Commando 2 was reworked into Die Hard.

Reflection: Were mall cops ever really this threatening?