Kindergarten Cop (1990)

Tagline: An undercover cop is in a class by himself.

Curiosity: Howsabout this:

And this:

Plot: Detective John Kimble (Arnold Brownschwagger) finally gets a break in his one man war against nefarious bad guy Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson) when he shoots a guy at a mall. The case hinges on one tweaked out druggie witness, though, so Kimble and his new partner, Phoebe O’Hara (Pamela Reed), head out to Oregon to find Crisp’s ex-wife, Rachel (IT’S A MYSTERY!!!). If they can get her testimony against Crisp, they just might put that guy away for good. Phoebe is supposed to do undercover work as a kindergarten teacher in order to find Crisp’s son, but when she comes down a stomach ailment en route, it’s up to Kimble to hunt the deadliest prey: CHILDREN.

Thoughts: Kindergarten Cop opens with Brownschwagger handcuffing a girl to her dead boyfriend. Like 10 minutes later, it graces us with a montage of Reed vomiting all over the Oregon Trail. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a classy, feel good, family-oriented comedy. It’s a little long at two hours, but the film delivers so many classic lines that it rarely drags. ’Schwagger gets the bulk of them (Go on. Say it. “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”), but the kids director Ivan Reitman and casting associate Alan Berger picked are pretty funny too. That kid from Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (ya know, the guy that always gave Uncle Jesse shit on Full House) gets in a couple jokes about vaginas. There’s a darkly humorous kid who talks about death all the time. Good stuff.

Sadly, the one kid who does suck is the one that turns out to be Crisp’s kid. Fucker rags on Brownschwagger all the time. I mean, he’s never taught before, man! Give him a learning curve! Crisp Jr.’s highlight is when Rachel tries to rescue him from Crisp’s clutches and he flips shit about not getting to finish his pony ride. What a got-damn asshole. No respek for his mother whatsoever why I oughta…

Other than that little prick, though, Kindergarten Cop is a charmingly idiosyncratic film. The first half-hour is all action and murder and drugs. Then it spends an hour or so being a hi-larious schoolyard romp. Then it’s back to the murder most foul. Awesome.

Reflection: People love remixing this movie.