Kazaam (1996)

Tagline: The world’s most powerful genie just met his match.

Curiosity: I want to chalk it up to nostalgia, but I don’t think I ever actually liked Kazaam when I was a kid. So, I’m just going to blame my girlfriend for falling asleep, thereby giving me complete control of the television.

Plot: Max (Francis Capra) is your typical movie-kid – he never shows up to class on time or finishes his homework, he’s a douche to his mother (Universal Soldier’s Ally Walker!) and soon-to-be-stepfather (John Costelloe), nobody likes him, he’s still somehow the good guy, etc. When he’s not being a petulant shit to everyone around him, Max accidentally unleashes a genie named Kazaam (Shaq Fu’s Shaquille O’Neal) from his boom box. Kazaam is the only being who yells louder and more often than Max, but the kid has a tough time believing Kazaam is really a genie. After a magic-filled bicycle race, he comes around. But, being the jackass that he is, Max refuses to make his three wishes, because he’d rather douche it up all over Kazaam.

Oh, and the duo tries to meet Max’s biological father (James Acheson) or something. Kazaam does some rap-yelling. Also, Da Brat shows up for some reason. Remember her?

Thoughts: There are some movies that, when they appear on TV, I will drop everything and try to make it to a given scene. There’s the Elliot Smith scene in The Royal Tenenbaums. The “clever girl” scene from Jurassic Park. And, uh, this scene where Kazaam and Max rap:

Sometimes, when I’m alone, I’ll just start singing “WE GENIES!” to myself. Oh hey here’s more rap-yelling:

To be honest, my love of bad movies was tested by Kazaam. There’s really nothing redemptive about Max at all. Kazaam is kind of annoying too, and his rhymes and magic are both pretty weak (Although I look forward to saying “Let’s green eggs and ham it” to my girlfriend later today). I’m essentially sandwiched with a protagonist who can’t appreciate anyone who loves him and goes out of his way to wreck his life – just like a gender-reversed Madam Bovary! I will say this, though: Kazaam left me with a hankering for some Space Jam. Other than that, well, at least I got some quality cuddles from my special lady friend.

Reflection: Holy shit, Capra went on to work in Crank and Veronica Mars. Dude’s got cred!