Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III (1993)

Tagline: Ancient Japan 1503. Without a map, without a clue, without a pizza.

Curiosity: It features the triumphant return of Corey Feldman to the role of Donatello, as well as Elias Koteas as Casey Jones.

Plot: April (Paige Turco) is ready for a vacation, but she stops at a flea market to pick up some gifts for the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Splinter before she goes. She picks out an ancient Japanese lantern to give to Splinter, but it opens up a portal in time before she can do so. The lantern switches two people at a time, so when April gets sent to Japan in the 1500s, Prince Kenshin (Henry Hayashi) gets dragged to New York City 1993. The turtles go back in time to rescue April, but they quickly become embroiled political strife.

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles III has better fight scenes than Secret of the Ooze, but that’s not saying much considering Ooze was toned down to satisfy oversensitive parents. At least Ooze had humor, though. III’s dialogue is a chore to sit through, as each line consists of clichés and/or lazy references to pop culture. Why the fuck would the Turtles shout “Schwing!” when April rips herself a short skirt? That’s interspecies erotica you’re playing with, man. Knock it off.

The special effects are also lacking compared to previous installments, which unfortunately coincides with the Jim Henson Company’s departure from the series after Ooze. Mouth movements don’t synch up with voices, especially in Splinter’s case.

Even things that should be boons, like the return of Feldman, are annoying. Suddenly Donatello has SO MUCH TO SAY ALL THE TIME, and plenty of it is stuffed with made-up scientific facts about time travel. III is tolerable, but just barely. All it really does successfully is remind me how much I like the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

Reflection: The soundtrack features “Tarzan Boy” by Baltimora. Twice.