Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (1990)

Tagline: Hey dude, this is NO cartoon.

Curiosity: I, uh, like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, OK?

Plot: The Foot Clan, lead by the sinister Shredder (James Saito/David McCharen), is recruiting New York City’s youth, including a young Sam Rockwell (Galaxy Quest, Iron Man 2), to create the ultimate network of thieves. Standing in their way is April O’Neil (Judith Hoag), the only television reporter with the guts to tell the truth. A fearsome foursome known as the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Not to be confused with Biker Mice from Mars) chips in as well.

ALSO there is this guy named Casey Jones (Elias Koteas) and he hits bad guys with hockey sticks.

Thoughts: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles is one of the greatest children films of all time, and here’s why. First, it’s not afraid to go all in. During the late ’80s/early ’90s, there was this push to sterilize violence in youth-oriented entertainment, but the first Turtles movie has the guys actually using their weapons and actually engaging in fights. And it actually looks kind of good, as far as dudes in rubber suits go. I was surprised to see Jim Henson designed the turtles, but considering how good the effects look, I guess I shouldn’t be. What you get here is a legitimately good ninja flick.

Admittedly, though, the film has its flaws, but they only serve to make it better. Movies like this always have a kid character thrown in for younglings to relate to; in this case, it’s Danny (Michael Turney), a wiener with a tie-dyed Sid Vicious shirt. He’s so lame - this kid looks like he would never steal a glance, let alone a wallet. Fuck you, Danny.

There were also a couple “uh-oh” moments, in which I picked up on stuff I wouldn’t want my kids exposed to. There’s a little bit of racism at play here, as well as one gay joke. I was also surprised by how frequently the turtles curse. Raphael’s first word is “Damn,” and he uses it a lot. He also gets in a “bitchin’.” I find it amusing that this movie caused a stir over the fight scenes, but nobody cared about the language. I wouldn’t necessarily call Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles homophobic, but c’mon. That kind of humor doesn’t belong here, partially because bringing up sexuality means we have to deal with how badly the turtles want to mack on April (I hate interspecies erotica), but also because the joke will go right over kids’ heads. It’s dead air.

Most of the dialogue is great, though, peppered with tons of one-liners the whole family can enjoy. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles holds up well 20 years later.

Reflection: For a while, this was the highest grossing indie film of all time. Radical.