Tagline: Fear not the weapon but the hand that weilds it.
Curiosity: I LIKE NINJAS!
Plot: We open on a bunch of Asian gangsters being super tough. They do super tough things like get tattoos and hang out with their shirts off. And they’re all like, “We are so tough.” But then ninjas kill them dead, establishing that ninjas are tougher than tough guys.
Then this boring agent lady (Naomie Harris, Pirates of the Caribbean trilogy) talks for a long time. I fell asleep during this part like three times.
Then we meet Raizo (Korean pop sensation Rain, who also starred in I’m a Cyborg, But That’s OK. I want to see this movie based on the title alone). He’s hanging out, doing laundry, when ninjas get all up in his business.
Then boring agent lady does more talking for like another half-hour. Jesus Christo.
At some point ninjas fight, and there’s some bullet time involved. I don’t remember.
Thoughts: Ninja Assassin’s opening scene is so awesomely awesome that it probably should have ended right there. Just gimme five minutes of ninjas killin’ shit and call it a day. Sadly, the filmmakers saw fit to introduce this infernal plot in which a renegade ninja and Europol agent try to take down one of the nine ninja clans in the world. At times, the film weirdly recalls Braveheart and Aliens, especially the latter once the ninjas start fighting marines or whatever. Ninja Assassin can’t find a balance between action and plot-advancement, and becomes this bi-polar movie that’s both boring and overstimulating.
But at times it’s gloriously, hilariously bad. The film depends on characters all having birth defects resulting in their organs being misplaced, thereby allowing them to surviving getting what should be some fatal stabbings. The movie also relies on the Inverse Ninja Law, which states that one ninja is a death machine while multiple ninjas become useless and easily defeated. Ninja Assassin is woefully uneven, but when it fully embraces its B-movie status, it really comes through.
Reflection: Could have done without all the awkward zooms, though.
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