My Decade in Crap, #20-11

The Top 50 Somethings of the Something Something Something

20. Haute Tension (2003)

Holy bejeebits, this movie is intense. Director/co-writer Alexandre Aja, co-writer Grégory Levasseur, and make-up artist Giannetto De Rossi (Zombi, Dune, and motha-lickin’ Dragonheart ya’ll) rarely flinch in their depiction of The Killer (Philippe Nahon) as he murders a French family and proceeds to torture the heck out of BFFs Marie (Cécile de France) and Alex (Maïwenn Le Besco). Throats are slit, hands are cut off, kindly gas station attendants are axed for grabbing the wrong alcoholic beverage. There are buckets of blood galore. De Rossi’s effects are incredible, made all the most amazing since he was pretty much on his own during filming. This one’s got plenty of “Oh shit” moments.

19. Children of Men (2006)

Alfonso Cuarón’s dystopian future, in which women become infertile for 18 years, is striking. Cuarón favors lengthy continuous shots, even going so far as to invent new technology so he can place cameras in close quarters. It gives a war documentary feel to a film about the world falling apart. Cuarón feels that, if we found out the world was going to slowly die out, we’d all just get more violent, more willing to kill, because we’re all going to die anyway. People get so crazy in this future that when a pregnant woman actually shows up (Claire-Hope Ashitey), she becomes more of a political tool than a symbol of hope, as different factions fight for control of her unborn child. Despite its science fiction elements, Children of Men comes off as totally realistic, and more than just a little similar to current events. Being a human myself (I ain’t no stinkin’ Reploid!), I want to believe that all of the violence committed by both armed forces and terrorists in this film is just fiction, that no one would kill in the name of something so unrelated and ridiculous. But replace “baby” with “God,” and you’ve pretty much found yourself in a Bob Dylan song, my man. Everyone thinks they’re fighting with God/baby on their side.

18. Up (2009)

As intense as Children of Men gets, it doesn’t quite hit me in the gut the same way as Up. Sure, it’s a colorful South American adventure packed with cute animals, but it’s also about how love and life don’t last forever. But Up is by no means a sad movie; just an emotional one. It reminds viewers to live for tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on. It’s a heady family movie, certainly, but one I think kids should see.

17. Wet Hot American Summer (2001)

Retro ’80s camp comedy from the guys that brought us Stella and The State. Alternately touching and absurdist, it’s one of the best comedies of the decade.





16. The Triplets of Belleville (2003)

Sylvain Chomet’s animated feature-length debut about a French cyclist captured and forced into an American gambling ring and his grandmother’s attempts to save him delighted me when I saw it in theaters in 2003. The film is certainly whimsical, but it’s also not afraid to satirize cultures either. Americans get hit the hardest as money-grubbing fatsos, but Chomet certainly dishes out parodies of the French and the Italians as well. As for the titular Triplets, they have a hand in the plot too. Bonus points for Ben Charest’s amazing soundtrack.

15. The Incredibles (2004)

I love superhero movies. I love Pixar. Surely a combination of the two would be thoroughly, unequivocally, perhaps even totally awesome. Oh wait, I already know it would awesome, thanks to The Incredibles. Sort of like a Disney-fied Fantastic Four, the film stars the eponymous family as they attempt to blend in with ordinary people. Superheroes have been outlawed, but every so often, Mr. Incredible (Craig T. Nelson) and his buddy Frozone (Samuel L. Jackson) go out and fight crime anyway. Mr. Incredible later takes on an assignment fighting robots on a tropical island (Best job ever?) from an anonymous benefactor, giving income to the family and giving Mr. Incredible an outlet for his superpowers. But when his boss turns out to be kind of a villain – and Mr. Incredible’s wife Elastigirl (Holly Hunter) and kids Violet (Sarah Vowell) and Dash (Spencer Fox) get involved – the plot thickens. Ah heck, it’s just a dang cool movie.

14. Iron Man (2008)

Superhero movies in the new millennium tended to focus on the tortured hero – Spider-man, Batman, etc. – the angsty warrior who wants to save society but also wants to… love? That makes for some splendid drama, but the kid in me appreciates a film like Iron Man for doing the exact opposite: Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark, a super rich, super cool guy with a metal suit that can fly and shoot lasers. He has tons of sweet gadgets like Batman, only without all the weird mental issues. He’s suave and sexy, he’s like the James Bond of this decade, which is funny, since this decade’s James Bond (Daniel Craig) is really fucking emo. He listens to Suicidal Tendencies because, in addition to being ridiculously rich and awesome, he also has good taste in music. There were better superhero movies in the nils, but Iron Man is the only superhero on this list that I would actually want to be.

13. Darjeeling Limited (2007)

Wes Anderon’s last live action movie received a less than warm reception from some folks, and to be fair, the film does occasionally feel static due to its overuse of Anderson’s trademarks – dry reactions, Kinks songs, and Owen Wilson – but Darjeeling Limited, coupled with its prologue Hotel Chevalier, is a fantastic road trip film, as three brothers (Wilson, Adrian Brody, and Jason Schwartzman) travel by train through India to find their mother (Angelica Houston) after their father’s death. The locations Anderson captures throughout India are gorgeous, as are the performances. While Darjeeling Limited recycles some of Life Aquatic’s camera tricks, I feel like it’s the better film – more even in tone, with a more resonant emotional depth as we watch the three brothers interact.

12. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)

Adaptation might be the better Charlie Kaufman film, but dammit I’m a sucker for movies about failed romances. Kaufman dials down his weirdness (relatively speaking) for this Michel Gondtry-directed film about what people would do if they could have surgery to forget their ex-lovers. The film’s conclusion is up to the viewer – Can you rekindle romance with someone who is now a total stranger to you? Will it create a doomed cycle? Is memory erasure too extreme a measure of moving on? Anchored by leads Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, it’s a pretty cool love/anti-love movie.

11. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)

Given that he pretty much never headlined a good movie again (Stranger Than Fiction aside), I forgot how funny Will Ferrell was in his prime, exuding wit and charm while playing some of the dumbest buffoons in film and television. And while he watered down the Ron Burgundy man-child character type for stinkers like Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and Semi-Pro, Anchorman still holds up as an absurd slice of ’70s-loving humor. The film is packed with comedy aces – Christina Applegate, Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, Dave Koechner, plus a bevy of guest stars – firing off memorably quotes like “60 percent of the time, it works every time” and “I am a man. I am an anchor-man!”

TOMORROW: TOP 10 MOVIES OF THE DECADE. SHIT GETS FUCKING REAL.

My Decade in Crap, #30-21

Top 50 Films of the Aughties, #30-21

30. The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou (2004)

…aaaaand Wes Anderson is finally on the charts. I’ve always been drawn to his sensibilities as a writer – exploring family ties and failure – and as a director. You recognize his visual style right away, stocked with slow-mo shots, vintage songs, and Bill Murray. Always with the Bill Murray. Life Aquatic stars Murray as Steve Zissou, a down-on-his-luck oceanographer on a quest to destroy the mysterious Jaguar shark that ate his best friend (Seymour Cassel). The nature documentary society tries to stop him, but there just ain’t no stopping ol’ Zissou once he gets his fire up. Along with his crew, he picks up a supposed son, Ned Plimpton (Owen Wilson), and a journalist, Jane Winslett-Richardson (Cate Blanchett). They battle pirates. They find rare, beautiful creatures. They listen to David Bowie songs. Though I haven’t seen Fantastic Mr. Fox yet, there has so far been a discernible evolution of Anderson’s films from comedy (Bottle Rocket) into drama (Darjeeling Limited). Life Aquatic is when he stopped balancing the two sensibilities and started drifting towards the latter. It makes Life Aquatic his darkest film, but also one of his most rewarding.

29. Team America: World Police (2004)

South Park creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone are really talented musicians, which is why every Fourth of July I put on the Team America: World Police soundtrack. Songs like “Freedom isn’t Free” and “America, Fuck Yeah” are hilarious odes to my beloved country. The film itself is pretty great too, utilizing marionettes a la Thunderbirds to act out a ridiculously cheesy action story about a American strike force that blows up a lot of stuff, complete with a gratuitous sex scene. Parker and Stone have always had a no-holds barred approach to comedy, and they’re just as willing to skewer the left here as they are the right.

28. Paris, je t'aime (2006)

I hate France so much. But dammit at all, this list still includes two French films, the first of which is this love letter to Paris, the anthology Paris, je t’aime. The Coen Brothers, Wes Craven, Sylvain Chomet, Gus Van Sant, Alfonso Cuarón, and many more directed segments set in different areas of the city, highlighting its many wonders. It’s not a perfect film, but its myriad successes reveal a culture and city at its most beautiful through a series of personal vignettes.

27. Serenity (2005)

Serenity is the best Firefly episode. Creator Joss Whedon got burned pretty badly by Fox when they consistently fucked with his show, to the point that it seems deliberate in retrospect. Poor promotion, constant time slot switches, and just a flat out refusal to let the show grow organically killed Firefly, even though it was a space western (YES!) about bounty hunters helmed by Joss freaking Whedon. The show ended before Whedon and co. got a chance to tell much of a story, but Serenity wraps up a decent amount of those loose threads. Some angles get shortchanged – the mysterious past of Ron Glass’ preacher is never realized – but damn if Whedon doesn’t still deliver. It was great to see Nathan Fillion and his crew go out one last time, even though the film kicks the shit out of them.

26. Brian Singer's X-Men films (2000-2003)

Bryan Singer crafted the first great superhero movie of the new millennium with X-Men, and then followed it up with the even better X2. You should know the story – the world is freaked out by mutants, people with special powers like telepathy and super-strength. Professor X (Patrick Stewart) runs a school to teach mutants how to use their powers for good, while Magneto (Ian McKellan) has a more violent, separatist view between “normal” humans and mutants. Singer brought my favorite Marvel superheroes to life, teasing fans with references to the deeper Marvel universe while still streamlining the comic’s dense mythology for new fans. He also preserved the book’s cautionary tale about oppression. The comics are thought of as symbolizing racism, although X2 definitely has more of a homophobia slant to it. In short, these are excellent sci-fi/action movies that double as social commentary. The only reason they’re not in my top 10 is because of X-Men: The Last Stand, the extremely shitty trilogy capper that makes watching X2’s cliffhanger ending extremely depressing, because I know it’s only going to suck ass from there.

25. Star Trek (2009)

When the decade began, Star Wars fans had the upper hand. Sure, The Phantom Menace wasn’t that great, but it was leagues better than the Insurrection or Nemesis films that closed out the Star Trek: The Next Generation movies. And while Star Wars creator George Lucas semi-redeemed himself with Revenge of the Sith, it was J.J. Abrams who truly saved a sci-fi franchise, thanks to his 2009 spin on the original Star Trek characters. There’s still plenty of time to mess this up, but for the time being, it feels good to be a Trekkie. Or a Trekker. Or a nerd.

24. Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs (2009)

One of the weirdest, funniest mainstream children’s movies I’ve seen in a long time.

23. Shaun of the Dead (2004)

Thus begins my love affair with Simon Pegg, Edgar Wright, Nick Frost, and Jessica Stevenson. While the U.S. release of their seminal TV show Spaced was still a few years away, I got a taste of their pop cultural-honoring humor with Shaun of the Dead. More of an homage to George A. Romero than a parody, the film nevertheless blends horror and comedy to form the best zombie movie of the decade (although Land of the Dead, 28 Days Later, and Slither were pretty great too). This first installment in Wright and Pegg’s “Blood and Ice Cream” trilogy shows that the due genuinely loves the genres they poke fun at, a feat they would repeat to even greater success with Hot Fuzz.

22. Kill Bill Volumes 1 and 2 (2003-2004)

Quentin Tarantino spent some time in the wilderness after 1997’s uneven, but still good, Jackie Brown. He returned in full effect with his epic revenge tale, Kill Bill. He reunited with his muse, Uma Thurman, gave David Carradine his best role ever as the title character, and filled in the rest of the cast with solid talent. While he broke the story of the Bride’s quest to claim revenge on the assassins that tried to kill her on her wedding day up into two chapters, it’s easy to view the two as one lengthy movie, blending kung-fu, sword fighting, crime noir, and some liberally borrowed visuals into a potent action piece.

21. Inglourious Basterds (2009)

I’ve been thinking about for a few weeks, and I think I might prefer Inglorious Basterds to Kill Bill. I was on edge the entire time I watched it, whereas Kill Bill occasionally gives viewers a chance to breathe and even love the characters, especially in the second volume. Basterds rarely gives viewers any peace, as the ensemble dwindles down further and further.

TOMORROW: inappropriate humor and animated films, #20-11.

My Decade in Crap, #40-31

You know the drill. Cue the list.

Top 50 Films of the Nils, #40-31

40. A Mighty Wind (2003)

I generally hate films where characters have to create something artistic – a stand-up routine (Elizabethtown) or a painting (Art School Confidential) or a song (Admit it; The Lone Rangers were kind of terrible). Reactions to that work always feel forced. Within the context of the story, it never feels funny or moving or good enough. Which is why I love Christopher Guest’s movies. This is Spinal Tap and A Mighty Wind are hilarious movies about bands, yes, but the music is great too. I totally get why people would attend the film’s folk concert. It helps that A Mighty Wind is both pretty dang funny but also a wee bit sweet. Guest regulars like Eugene Levy, Catherine O’Hara, and Parker Posey fire off riff after riff, but at the same time, there’s a real heart to the proceedings. Whenever I catch this on TV, I try to make it to the scene where burnout Mitch (Levy) gets lucid enough to buy Mickey (O’Hara) a flower. It’s got a lot more meaning if you watch the movie.

39. The Fall (2008)

Director Tarsem is known for two things: 1) Making beautiful films and 2) Taking a long-ass time to complete them. He’s been commercial and music video director for like 20 years or so – he even helmed R.E.M.’s award-winning “Losing My Religion” video – but to date he’s only completed two full-length films: 2000’s The Cell and 2008’s The Fall. The Fall is the stronger film, but both possess a visual sense that I haven’t seen anywhere else. In a time where sets are increasingly computer-generated (Thanks, George Lucas), Tarsem makes the most out scouting locations. In fact, he took on several advertisement shoots around the world to fund The Fall, as well as obtain locations. Some folks made a stink about its plot being convoluted, but honestly, The Fall isn’t that hard to follow. Stuntman Roy (Lee Pace) tries to kill himself, fails, and ends up in a hospital. There, he meets another patient, a young girl name Alexandria (Catinca Untaru), and begins telling her fantastical stories in exchange for morphine. The film shifts between these two and the elaborate tale Roy tells Alexandria, detailing the adventures of five heroes. It’s dark in places, especially leading up to the ending, but man is it a ride. It’s the kind of film that major studios could never accomplish, and it’s a credit to Tarsem insane devotion to his art that he was able to complete the movie over the course of four years and in over 20 countries.

38. Scotland, PA (2001)

I dig William Shakespeare. I’ve made an effort to check out the modernized versions of his plays, the best of which is Scotland, PA. It sets Macbeth in a fast food joint in the ’70s, where Macbeth (James LeGros) kills his boss and takes over his restaurant. The film has a lot of fun twisting the story around – the Three Witches are recast as hippies, while Christopher Walken is clearly super awesome as Lt. Macduff – but it still hits the original play’s core notes. And to think it all came from the mind of the guy from Severed Ties…

37. Volver (2006)

Penélope Cruz is such an awesome actor… provided she’s speaking Spanish. I loved her in All About My Mother (which Volver director Pedro Almodóvar also helmed). Blow, not so much. Here, though, she shines as Raimunda, the mother/daughter/sister trying to keep her family together. Her daughter Paula (Yohana Cobo) kills her father in self-defense after he tries to rape her, and Raimunda helps cover up the murder. Meanwhile, her sister Sole (Lola Dueñas) is hiding their mother (Carmen Maura), who is supposed to have died years ago in a fire. It sounds a bit melodramatic, but Volver pulls it off with comedic flare.

36. Park Chan-Wook's "Vengeance Trilogy" (2002-2005)

To save space, I’ve opted to combine films from a series. First up is the “Vengeance Trilogy,” in which writer/director Park Cahn-wook explores, well, revenge in his films Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance, Oldboy, and Lady Vengeance. Each film has its own style – Oldboy is the most bizarre in its depiction of Oh Dae-su (Choi Min-sik) and his quest to find out why the heck he was imprisoned for 15 years. It gets pretty effed up at the end, but I’d say Sympathy for Mr. Vengeance is Chan-wook’s most disturbing entry in the trilogy. A poor deaf man (Shin Ha-kyun) and his revolutionary girlfriend’s (Bae Doona) bungled attempt to ransom the daughter of a wealthy businessman (Song Kang-ho). The film’s first half is like a family friendly comedy… until the daughter drowns. Then shit gets fucked. Lady Vengeance is a little more even in tone. Ex-con Lee Geum-ja’s (Lee Young Ae) was wrongly convicted of killing a child, and she’s going to find out who really did it once she gets out. This installment is noticeably less gory than the other two films, but just as effective.

35. Ong-Bak: Muay Thai Warrior (2003)

Martial artist Tony Jaa is the freaking man. In his debut starring role, he must stop a criminal organization from stealing and selling ancient artifacts. This necessitates the use of fightin’, and boy can Jaa bring it. His fighting style hits that sweet spot where it A) looks cool and B) probably hurts like the dickens. The filmmakers keep tossing in new elements to amp up the action, like having Jaa fight like a thousand guys in one continuous shot, or setting Jaa on fucking fire just so his jumpkicks can be that much more awesome. FACT: Setting Tony Jaa on fire only makes him stronger.

34. No Country For Old Men (2007)

This jaw-dropping Coen Brothers adaptation of a Cormac McCarthy novel about one Texan’s (Josh Brolin) attempt to rip off drug money is so got-damned intense. The cast is stellar across the board, with favorites being Javier Bardem as Anton Chigurh, the unstoppable hitman tasked with recovering the money, and Tommy Lee Jones as Sheriff Ed Bell, the almost-retired police officer who’s (almost) always a step behind the action. You get the sense that none of these characters are going to make it out OK, but they keep plugging away at their individual choices as tension escalates more and more.

33. Shark Attack 3: Megalodon (2002)

This one’s an Internet cult classic. Rather than bore you with word (stupid words!), here are the YouTube clips that turned me on to such a magnificent picture:

32. Burn After Reading (2008)

A lot of people were let down by Burn After Reading, the Coen Brothers’ follow-up to the critical and commercial wonder No Country For Old Men (but then, a lot of people took issue with The Big Lebowski, the Coens’ follow-up to Fargo). Personally, I thought it was a hilarious comedy about how ridiculously serious adults are about everything. When Linda (Frances McDormand) and Chad (Brad Pitt) stumble upon alcoholic ex-CIA analyst Osborne Cox’s (John Malkovich) memoir, they think they’ve found government secrets and try to bribe Cox, only to come up against Cox’s severe anger issues. As that problem escalates, it intersects with womanizer Harry’s (George Clooney) affair with Katie Cox (Tilda Swinton), Osborne’s wife. It’s a faux-spy movie filled with faux-intrigue, a comedic gem that surely must have been a palate cleanser for the Coens after No Country For Old Men’s doom and gloom.

31. The Simpsons Movie (2007)

By the time The Simpsons Movie came out, I had already forgotten how much I loved Matt Groening’s television show. I had forgotten how witty the show could be. I pretty much attended a screening of the film in a fit of nostalgia, and it reminded me just how amazing the show was throughout the ’90s. The film’s first 30 minutes or so are so insanely manic, and even a wee bit dangerous, that I remembered how many jokes the show used to toss off. After this, I rewatched old episodes, and found that I love the show even more than I was a kid, because I get so much more of the humor. The show still hasn’t been great for a long time, but I’ll always hold The Simpsons Movie up its great last stand.

TOMORROW: Movies about marionettes, mutants, and meatballs, #30-29.