Equilibrium (2002)

Tagline: In a future where freedom is outlawed outlaws will become heroes.

Curiosity: I’ve been meaning to check Equilibrium out ever since I heard about it in high school. Seven years later, I finally got around to it.

Plot: In an Orwellian future, society has eradicated all ills like war and murder by essentially banning emotions. The populace is kept on mood-controlling drugs and anything that could inspire emotion – namely art in any form – is contraband. A task force called the Grammaton Clerics makes sure all art is destroyed. One such cleric, John Preston (Christian Bale) becomes sympathetic to the underground resistance to this fascist regime. This is good for the rebels, as clerics are trained in Gun Kata, a fighting style that allows practitioners to maximize hitting their targets, and minimize being hit, through geometric statistics.

Thoughts: While it was heavily compared to The Matrix at the time of its release, Equilibrium cops more from 1984 and Fahrenheit 451 by combining Big Brother with the state-ordered destruction of books, among other forms of expression. This dystopian hodgepodge comes out feeling a little underwhelming. When you steal from such seminal works, you should be prepared to pale in comparison.

As for the Matrix comparison, that really only sticks thanks to the Gun Kata angle. It’s sort of like Equilibrium’s version of bullet time, only way more low tech. It consists of Bale swinging his arms every which way and occasionally doing a flip. It honestly looks really dumb. The style is meant to be based on probability over actual aiming, and it looks exactly like that. Bale just keeps squeezing the trigger over and over with a minimum of movement, but that just makes the bad guys’ inability to hit him that much more unbelievable. Dude is standing right there! What is this, Rambo III? All you get is one guy spinning around and grimacing.

While the film has a pretty solid cast – Sean Bean delivers an amazing cameo early on – the players can’t prop up the flimsy film for long. Budget constraints ensure that the Gun Kata bits look silly – especially when two clerics go up against each other. The script ensures that everything else looks silly too. I’d rather just read George Orwell.

Reflection: In the opening scene, Bale burns the Mona Lisa. It’s a ridiculous Emmerich-type move, and they don’t even get the painting’s proportions right. Faux pasta!

Observe and Report (2009)

Tagline: Right now, the world needs a hero.

Curiosity: I’ve been a Seth Rogan fan since Freaks and Geeks, and I don’t give up on favorites easily (much to the girlfriend’s chagrin). Also, the film’s mixed critical reaction makes it seem like a solid rental pick.

Plot: Delusional, bipolar head of mall security Ronnie (Rogan) takes two things seriously: his job and his affection for Brandi (Anna Faris), who works in the make-up department in the same mall. When a flasher (Randy Gambill) burns images into Brandi’s brain that she can never erase, Ronnie thinks that this is the perfect opportunity to impress his dream girl by catching the pervert. But then the mall hires Detective Harrison (Ray Liotta) to investigate the case. Ronnie and Harrison become rivals over this, which eventually causes Ronnie to try out for the police force.

Thoughts: I know I mentioned being a Rogan fan – he did at one point seem to have the best career of the Freaks and Geeks cast with turns in Undeclared, The 40-Year Old Virgin­, and Knocked Up. But man, that dude has been squandering that good will ever since the overrated Pineapple Express. At least Funny People had its moments; Observe and Report is an ugly, hateful film. It’s supposed to be a dark comedy, but I fail to see those qualities.

Observe and Report doesn't feel like much of a comedy, given that A) there aren’t many jokes and B) it isn’t that funny. The plot meanders for a while, Ronnie is a downright scary dude in his self-delusions, and the movie may or may not a rape scene between Ronnie and Brandi. There’s a line of dialogue thrown in near the end of said scene that’s meant to establish the sex as consensual, but it’s delivered by Brandi after a lengthy night of boozin’. So yeah, it’s drunk sex and Ronnie might not totally understand what he’s doing and blah blah blah. Here’s the thing: If you ever find yourself saying, “Well, it’s only kind of rape,” maybe you should drop your argument.

Pineapple Express had a problem juxtaposing comedy with violence. Observe and Report has that problem and more – the action is certainly violent, but the humor is nonexistent. Although I did get about five seconds of joy out of seeing Patton Oswalt’s cameo, not that it’s special.

Reflection: Get your shit together, Seth. Jason Segal is kicking your ass.

Rambo (2008)

Tagline: Heroes never die... They just reload.

Curiosity: Not gonna lie. The trailer was pretty sweet.

Plot: A whopping 20 years after he helped terrorists beat the mother-hating snot out of communists, Rambo finds the title character (Sylvester Stallone) working as a snake wrangler/bitter old man in southeastern Asia. When a group of Christian medical professionals comes to him seeking safe passage to Burma in order to promote physical and spiritual well-being, he initially refuses. After roughly 10 seconds of philosophical debating with one of the Christians, Sarah (Julie Benz), Rambo completely reverses his life goal of being a jerk-face to everyone and takes the group to Burma by boat. Afterward, the missionaries get captured by the Burmese army. It’s up to Rambo, with the help of a band of mercenaries, to fix that but good.

Thoughts: Jesus Christ (he of Son of God fame) used parables—simple stories—to convey complex concepts like the Kingdom of God. In Rambo, the mathematically defiant sequel to 1988’s Rambo III, co-writer/director/star Sylvester Stallone takes a similar stab at making the very elaborate (political oppression in Burma) seem very basic (explosions get stuff done). Like 2006’s Rocky Balboa, it’s another post-millennial career revival move from Stallone, but with violence and profanity instead of dialogue and heartfelt performances.

As a drama, this movie bites, unsurprisingly. But as an action flick, the 93-minute Rambo delivers. The plot regarding the Bible thumpers moves fairly quickly, allowing for Stallone to focus on killing people with guns, knives, landmines, arrows, and his own hands (for dramatic effect!) once those darn thumpers get captured by a Burmese army.

The violence is never cartoonish, like in The 300, nor are the scenes ever winkingly bad-funny, like in The Marine. Stallone keeps it gritty and realistic, minus one terrible CGI explosion and a few tricks with guns that don’t actually work in the real world. While you won’t see organs flying every which way, Stallone still achieves a level of destruction to the human form unmatched by any other picture, according to the Guinness Book of World Records.

When Stallone kills a soldier with over 100 bullets, it’s awesome. When he rips out someone’s throat with his hands, it’s awesome. When he shoots an arrow through a guy’s leg and then another through his head, knocking him on to a land mine which sends dude-chunks flying every which way, you best believe it is one of the most awesomely over-the-top actions against a bad guy since Bad Boys II.

But while these violent scenes can be funny, the camera often lingers just a couple seconds longer than viewers will want it to shoot, like during the trinity of child deaths a third of the way in. Watching the overwrought yet sparse dialogue between Stallone and Benz is hilarious; watching a kid take a bayonet to the stomach, not so much.

Audience members who can get passed the kiddie killing (oh, and a couple of thoroughly uncomfortable gang rape scenes), though, will enjoy some great action sequences. While Rambo is practically a silent film in terms of dialogue, it showcases some great beatdowns. It might seem like “action porn” to some, but the film’s brilliant final battle scene, filled with hundreds of exploding and/or flaming extras who miraculously multiply for no reason, dazzles with a bevy of explosions and shots of Benz crying.

What’s weird about the whole affair, though, is its central thesis: that you can kill to save a life and establish peace. Rambo believes this so ferociously that it racks up a 236-person body count in order to save two people (That’s an average of 2.54 kills per minute). In the world of dumb action movies, Rambo stands above most. Where most people who hear the saying “Killing for peace is like fucking for virginity,” will say, “Oh, you’re right, that does seem like a gap in logic, huh?”, Rambo merely says, “Darn tootin’.” The film zips by fast enough for this conclusion to never be challenged. Bask in the warm energy of such terrible lines as “When you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as breathing.”

Reflection: Unsurprisingly, this movie is banned in Burma. Surprisingly, its five or so lines of dialogue have been used in political rallies there.

Rambo III (1988)

Tagline: God would have mercy. John Rambo won’t!

Curiosity: I wanted to see the movie justify its dedication to “the gallant people of Afghanistan.” Some things just don’t age well.

Plot: John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) has finally found piece, living and working at a monastery in Thailand. Colonel Sam Trautman (Richard Crenna) seeks him out for help dealing with Russian aggression in Afghanistan by arming local insurgents, but Rambo turns him down. Trautman pursues the mission on his own, but is captured by the Ruskies. Embassy leader Robert Griggs (Kurtwood Smith) informs Rambo of the situation, and he decides to kick some Russian booty. Along the way, he makes friends with Afghani terrorists, does some super manly stuff, and learns about sheep-related sports.

Thoughts: Why does Rambo like Trautman so much? He’s kind of a dick to Rambo in First Blood and totally useless in Rambo: First Blood Part II. Yet here the two are, trading jokes and longing embraces. It’s hard to comprehend their relationship, but then again, I’ve never done military service. Plus, the movie would be a lot shorter/more boring if it consisted solely of Rambo meditating in Thailand.

A lot of people have cracked wise about Rambo fighting alongside “the terrorists,” but honestly, it’s not that bad. If anything, the film is ridiculous for pegging the Russian government as some sort of evil organization of supervillain proportions. By the time the film came out, Russia was already opening up to the West. Oh, and collapsing. That too.

Thus, the terrorist subplot is interesting to me not because it’s silly post-9/11, but because it’s awfully prophetic. Trautman directly compares military involvement in the Middle East to the Vietnam War. Various Afghani characters tell Rambo that they’ll fight foreigners to the death because they have nothing else to do. There’s a bit of dialogue about how the terrorists aren’t afraid to die because they think of themselves as already dead. Therefore, killing their enemies is the best of their limited options. I immediately thought of suicide bombers. Granted, all of this goes down while the U.S. government is arming said terrorists, but the film is far more profound in the aughties than it ever was in the eighties. It spells out just how stupid invading the Middle East would be. Rambo III is secretly the most liberal of the “Rambo” movies.

Of course, the movie also has a decent amount of action. OK, “decent” might be an understatement, given that Rambo III held the record for the most violent film ever made, with 221 acts of violence, over 70 explosions, and over 108 characters killed on-screen. The film that beat those numbers? Its sequel, Rambo.

Reflection: I can’t believe one of the most violent films of all time ends with this song:

Rambo: First Blood Part II (1985)

Tagline: What most people call hell, he calls home.

Curiosity: I want to see First Blood, only this time with more death and explosions and idiocy.

Plot: Set three years after the events of First Blood, Colonel Sam Trautman (Richard Crenna) visits John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) in prison and asks if he’d be willing to go out on a top secret assignment. The mission: Find American POWs in Vietnam. Rambo, being a fine lover of veterans’ rights, accepts. Under the command of Marshal Murdock (Charles Napier), Rambo is dropped back into ’Nam, where he meets up with his new partner, Co (Julia Nickson), and searches a prison for survivors. Things get ugly when A) He actually does find G.I.s and B) It turns out he wasn’t supposed to.

Thoughts: Rambo: First Blood Part II is the well-meaning but really stupid brother to First Blood. Everything about this movie is big and dumb, from the explosions to the weapons to the body count to Rambo’s big speech at the end, which is about half as effective and twice as corny as the one from the original movie. Whereas First Blood felt like an examination of PTSD, Part II is an absurd tribute to America and racism. It’s exploitive and, given that the USSR was ready to fall over, silly in retrospect.

Which is why, at a certain point, you just have to roll with the film, even if it means ignoring how ridiculous Co’s speech pattern sounds or half-baked the government conspiracy turns out to be or how the bad guys never, ever hit Rambo. The film has a handful of cool shots and a sweet smattering of action spread throughout. It’s a homoerotic thriller about one guy killing a poop-ton of bad guys. And I can’t think of anything more American than that.

Reflection: John Cameron co-wrote the script for this big action sequel to a more somber, claustrophobic film, a trick he would repeat in 1986 with Aliens.

First Blood (1982)

Tagline: One war against one man.

Curiosity: I found a copy for $5 at Five Below. That store has such a weird collection of stuff. It’s like a couple of trucks carrying Batman toys, band t-shirts, and Beanie Babies jackknifed in front of Five Below and the store owner was like, “Dibs.” Ditto on their movie collection. I remember finding Wedding Crashers for $5 right after it came out on DVD and thinking, “This can’t be legal.”

Plot: John Rambo (Sylvester Stallone) is a quiet, mumbley, gorgeous homeless man/Vietnam vet trying to reconnect with one of his old war buddies. Turns out that friend died from cancer brought on by Agent Orange exposure during the war, making Rambo the last surviving member of his unit. As he drifts through a Northwestern town, he gets picked up by cop Will Teasle (Brian Dennehy). Teasle likes to keep his town bum-free, and he’s pretty aggressive about it towards Johnny. Rambo doesn’t take too kindly to being pushed around and, in his mellow way, refuses to leave town. So, Teasle arrests him. Fellow police officer Art Galt (Jack Starrett) harasses Rambo to the point of triggering a war flashback and the guy loses his shit, beats the snot out of the cops, and flees into the woods. Teasle, Galt, and co. give chase, and Rambo accidentally kills Galt in self-defense. Shit gets piled on top of more shit, as local authorities keep cranking the heat on Rambo, pushing him towards increasingly incredible feats of violence.

Thoughts: You’d never know it given the obscene amount of death in the sequels, but First Blood, the first installment in a series of confusingly named Rambo movies, is a pretty good movie on the psychological effects of war on soldiers. You could even call it a drama (Well… maybe…). Stallone slowly builds on the character’s intensity. In the beginning, he’s like a shadow of a human being, but by the ending he’s a rattling bundle of nerves and neuroses, a killing machine that can’t turn off and can’t integrate into a peaceful society. My friends and I joke around a lot about the lines “I used to be in charge of multimillion dollar equipment. Now I can’t get a job… parking cars!” But it’s a pretty sad summation of the Rambo character. As much as the Vietnam War fucked him up, it gave his character purpose. He’d developed all of these skills that are useless in peacetime. Teasle’s oppression of Rambo forces the guy to flex those old abilities and, in a weird way, makes him alive again, however temperamentally.

Ego plays such a big role in the movie. Teasle tries to crush Rambo, and that quest constantly escalates the situation. There are so many times Teasle could have ended the scuffle by letting Rambo walk away, but he can’t bear to have his power defied. Same goes for Galt. It’s a testament to Rambo’s power, then, that he never (intentionally) kills anyone (although, how responsible he is for Galt, the only character killed in the movie, is up for debate).

Reflection: Rambo kicks so many people in the balls, except for a young David Caruso.

Rapid Fire (1992)

Tagline: Unarmed and extremely dangerous.

Curiosity: I’ve more or less committed to checking out Brandon Lee’s brief but intriguing filmography.

Plot: Crime boss Antonio Serrano (Nick Mancuso) is trying to muscle in on Kinman Tau’s (Tzi Ma) drug trade, much to Tau’s consternation. Meanwhile, Jake Lo (Lee) is busy attending college, owning a leather jacket AND a motorcycle, and trying to forget his father’s death during the protests in Tieneman Square protests in Beijing, China back in ’89 (This makes the film topical). These goals become harder to obtain after Jake witnesses Antonio shooting Carl Chang (Michael Paul Chan), one of Tau’s key players. The FBI recognizes Jake’s importance in taking Serrano down in court and tries to put him under protection, but the mob boss’ connections run deep. Serrano’s men kill Jake’s guardian, and almost Jake himself. Luckily, he’s saved by renegade cop Mace Ryan (the incredibly named Powers Boothe). The two begrudgingly team up to take down Serrano and Tau.

Thoughts: Of the three Lee films I’ve seen (Showdown in Little Tokyo, The Crow), Rapid Fire is arguably the weakest. The lack of Cure songs and Dolph Lundgren ass shots is a crucial weakness, but the film also just doesn’t deliver in terms of dialogue and story. Characters’ actions are often nonsensical, lines are stepped on, and the film’s low budget occasionally shows through, like in one shot where a henchman shoots at Lee, who is hiding in a closet. It’s clearly a film still with bullet holes animated in.

Still, Lee, who co-created all of the fight sequences, delivers a solid performance. Unlike the other films mentioned above, he gets to deliver a mighty helping of martial arts throughout. It’s clear that the guy had skills, so it’s no wonder Fox was in talks with him to make a sequel prior to his death. Throw in Mancuso’s pretty awesome mugging, and Rapid Fire proves to be a rough gem and a mild pleasure.

Reflection: How come nobody ever pitched a Showdown in Little Tokyo sequel? Huh? HUH?!