Tagline: It will take you a million light years from home. But will it bring you back?
Curiosity: It’s Kurt Russell in a Roland Emmerich film. Hell. Yes.
Plot: Controversial Egyptologist Daniel Jackson (James Spader with bangs) is on the verge of complete financial ruin when he meets Catherine Langford (Vivica Lindfors), someone who believes his theories about the pyramids being built by aliens. Turns out her father discovered alien technology – a circular construction of some sort dubbed a “stargate” – nearly 70 years prior in Egypt. Langford and a team of scientists suspect it could open a portal to another world, perhaps to the alien civilization that created the pyramids. When Jackson actually does figure out how to use the portal, a military team led by Colonel Jack O’Neil (Russell) travels through it with him. There, they find plenty of constructions and desert surroundings similar to ancient Egypt, as well as a primitive human city. Oh, and then the naked dude from The Crying Game (Jaye Davidson) tries to take their souls or something.
Thoughts: It’s kind of obvious now given that it has spawned four TV shows and counting, but the first time I saw Stargate, I thought it would’ve worked better as a show. The movie is self-contained, but there are so many ideas that I thought could have been expanded upon well beyond the time limits of a movie. I want to know more about the alien planet Spader and Russell land on. I want to know about the alien race Davidson’s character comes from. Hell, I wanna know what else can be done with the stargate technology.
That said, Stargate is one of writer/director Emmerich’s smarter films. The action is slightly lacking, but the plot is solid. Russell doesn’t get enough screen time, in my opinion, although it was fun watching Spader go from being a wiener to a sex symbol in the eyes of the locals. I also enjoyed how Emmerich avoids racist caricatures by inventing a new ethnicity to stereotype as idiotic. While it doesn’t top the wild antics of Independence Day or Universal Soldier, Stargate is still a solid sci-fi picture.
Reflection: True or false: There is no way French Stewart could get cast as a soldier today.
Curiosity: It’s generally regarded as the film that almost ruined Jim Carrey’s career, even though it made over $100 million worldwide.
Plot: Steven Kovacs (Matthew Broderick) moves into a new apartment after his girlfriend Robin (Leslie Mann) rejects his marriage proposal. Chip Douglas (Carrey) comes to install Steven’s cable… and much more. He quickly forces himself onto Steven, taking him out to exotic locales (a cable satellite! A medieval-themed restaurant!), introducing him to new woman (who are prostitutes!), and even giving him free cable. Steven gets the heebie jeebies something fierce from Chip time and again, but he keeps taking him back, most likely because Chip’s been giving him great romance advice for winning back Robin. Most of said advice comes from The Jerry Springer Show, but it still gets the job done.
But when Steven tries to pull back from Chip in order to focus on other things in his life – Robin, his job, his other friends – Chip makes with the crazy, essentially stealing Steven’s life. He gets the guy fired, then arrested, and even turns his own family, and Robin, against him. How will Steven overcome this lisping maniac?
Thoughts: For an alleged black comedy, The Cable Guy isn’t particularly dark. I mean, Carrey’s character is pretty insane, but after a while, the film settles into a groove of Chip embarrassing Steven over and over. There’s a teensy bit of satire about Americans’ devotion to TV, but it doesn’t go deeper than, “We all watch it! Wowzers!” Even if Chip wasn’t a cable guy, he’d still be a creepy-ass stalker.
The movie was still interesting to me, though, in a retrospective way. Ben Stiller directed the film, and he opted to bring in everyone from The Ben Still Show. Bob Odenkirk and David Cross show up in brief cameos, while Janeane Garofalo and Andy Dick get more sizeable, slightly funnier roles. Owen Wilson and Jack Black show up too, well before their own star-making turns. It’s essentially a pre-Frat Pack movie with dashes of Mr. Show tossed in. Only not very funny.
Reflection: Carrey brings gusto to the title role, and every once in a while, his abrasive silliness got a guffaw out of me:
Tagline:Earth: Out-numbered. Out-monstered. Out-done. It’s great because two of those words don’t need to be hyphenated, and I’m pretty sure I could use “out-monstered” enough to make it a real word. Example: “Man, I’m not sure who is out-monstering who in this healthcare debate.” Topical!
Curiosity: It’s the final Godzilla film… for a while, and Toho tried to cram as many monsters into this sabbatical as possible.
Plot: An international strike force of superhuman soldiers called the Earth Defense Force has been set up to protect the world from monsters. The EDF successfully traps Godzilla in ice in the South Pole and destroys Manda, this giant serpentine dragon thingy, and are about to take out super-lobster Ebirah when aliens (!!!) come from outer space (!!!) and beam Ebirah and all the other planet’s monsters away (???). That was nice of them.
Except it was actually anti-nice! These aliens, called Xiliens, are secretly plotting to eat the human race! And they can control any monsters with the M-gene (pretty much er’rybody but Godzilla, Minilla, and Mothra)! It’s up to the surviving members of the EDF, led by Captain Gordon (Fake Tom Selleck), to stop the aliens and the monsters. But how? Could they…? Would they…? FREE GODZILLA?!
Thoughts: While it’s not a perfect film, Godzilla: Final Wars is pretty dang awesome. Sure, 125 minutes is a long time to put up with the Matrix-biting fight scenes from the humans, and the monster battles are at times a little too brief, but c’mon – it’s still Godzilla laying down the smack’em yack’em on chumps. Some of the monsters, like Manda and King Caeser, haven’t been seen for like 30 years, so it’s dorktastically delicious to have them back again. Better yet, we get to see Godzilla take on the American Godzilla, a.k.a. GINO (Godzilla in Name Only), a.k.a Zilla here:
Of course, the film is not without its hilariously bad moments. The original Japanese language performance is riddled with random English outbursts – “Sorry, I’m a vegetarian,” “Well, I kind of like this face,” and “Watch it, X-Man” come to mind. Fake Tom Selleck sports an awesome sword (and moustache) that he never uses. My favorite moment is the band redubbing for an American cop. To avoid an R rating, his repeated use of the f-bomb was toned down… with words that don’t synch up with his over-enunciating whatsoever.
While the film doesn’t include every Godzilla monster – Mecha- and SpaceGodzilla are missed; Biolante, not so much – Final Wars is a treat for fans.
Reflection: Were they being sarcastic with that Sum 41 song?
Curiosity: Roland Emmerich destroys the world… again! Plus, it’s got John Cusack, Danny Glover, Chiwetel Ejiofor, and Woody Harrelson.
Plot: Circa 2009 (that’s like now!), Dr. Satnam Tsurutani (Jimi Mistry) discovers that the Earth’s core is gonna melt like buttah. He shows his findings to Dr. Adrian Helmsley (Ejiofor), his best, best, most bestest friend in the world, the one guy who so totally would not let him drown in a tsunami (foreshadowing!). Adrian just so happens to work for the U.S. government, so he jets back to Washington, D.C. with the most compelling five-page report ever written. Better than your book report on The Phantom Tollbooth, and that wordplay shit was like three grades above your reading level. So when government stooge Carl Anheuser (Oliver Pratt) takes a look, clearly the only appropriate response is to say “My God,” and then quickly exit the room… for action! Carl meets up with the president (Danny Glover) and they set up a plan to save America from… OUR OWN SUN.
Meanwhile, Jackson Curtis (Cusack) is a terrible father trying to prevent his kids from forgetting him in favor of their new dad, Gordon (Thomas McCarthy), who is both a doctor and an airplane pilot. Also, some minorities and/or old people do some stuff.
Thoughts: Emmerich took an awesomely bad concept and mucked it up. 2012 should have been one of my favorite films of the year, instead all I walked away with was images of every well-known catastrophe from the last decade. It’s kind of hard not to think of 9/11 or the Asian Tsunami from 2004 when you’re watching hundreds of computer-generated people fall out of buildings or get swept up in massive tidal waves. Hell, the entire state of Californiafalls into the fucking ocean.
At the same time, the movie is incredibly ridiculous (It’s still an Emmerich film, after all). There are plenty of chase scenes, by which I mean Cusack and his brood run away from nature. It’s hard to take Glover seriously when he’s lisping through the end of the world. “My fellow Americanth, the thun hath melted the Earttthhhh core, tho now the crutht is shhhifting.” He’s like Sylvester the Cat. Thandie Newtown plays his daughter, and that gal cannot control her face. She always looks like she’s pooping. Always and forever.
But there are moments that shine. Ejiofor’s talents seem wasted here since he gets stuck as the film’s boy scout, but his character’s father, played by Blu Mankuma, is amazing as one half of a jazz duo on a doomed cruise. He and his partner, played by George Segal, bring some seriously affecting emotional weight as two old guys who know their time is up. Harrelson is awesome as the batshit insane, juicy pickle-chomping Charlie Frost, although his part was way too small. Cusack, being Cusack, is pretty great, even though I have no idea why the film is so hard on potential stepfather Gordon. Emmerich pushes the “family values” message pretty hard, but he’s just a straight up dick to Gordon despite A) being a nice guy and B) kind of being important to saving most of the principles.
The same could be said for Platt’s character. The film doesn’t have a villain per say (unless you count that jerkass lamp of Heaven, the sun!!!), but Platt’s Carl comes close, in that he’s the only one who puts zero effort into saving his loved ones. While one could argue that he’s focused on saving the wealthy, I would in turn assert that he subscribes to the notion that the needs of the many outweigh the needs of the few. HE IS LIKE SPOCK. Dude is working on saving the human race, which means that a few people he knows might bite it.
Reflection: A minor European character dedicated to preserving the world’s most famous artistic achievements is named Roland. He dies in an explosion. Coincidence?
Tagline: Witness the resurrection. It’s like Jesus!
Curiosity: Besides some ill-placed need to write about all of the Alien films? My master Joss Whedon wrote the script. Sigourney Weaver returns, with support from actors Ron Perlman, Winona Ryder, and that guy from The Crow.Plus, AMC was showing this last night, and I really didn’t want to pay to rent this shitfest.
Plot: Set 200 years after Alien3, scientists, as is their amoral way, have successfully cloned Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) and an Alien Queen. This has resulted in the two sharing DNA, kina like the frog-dinos in JurassicPark only not as awesome (VELOCIRAPTORS!!!). Ripley now has super strength, super agility, super b-ball skills, and sort of acidy blood. Also, she’s a lot creepier this time around. A crew of mercenaries arrives with human test subjects for the Queen’s eggs, but they’re actually planning to stop the cloning, too late. The aliens, of course, figure out how to escape their cages and start killin’ and masticatin’ and acting like, well, velociraptors (!!!). The ship they’re on is programmed to head back to home base should anything bad happen. That home base… IS EARTH!
That would be bad, btw.
Thoughts: Each of the Alien sequels starts with a leap of faith, a plot hole that makes you go, “Wait, no, that’s not how it works.” One by one, the rules of Alien get discarded as the series progresses. In this case, the whole cloning procedure seems underwhelming and underexplained, as I fail to see how scientists could recreate an Alien Queen using the original Ripley’s blood. Whatevs. Now, the way the aliens roar like a dinosaur, the way they never did before or ever again, now there’s a bad idea.
"It wasn’t a question of doing everything differently, although they changed the ending; it was mostly a matter of doing everything wrong. They said the lines... mostly... but they said them all wrong. And they cast it wrong. And they designed it wrong. And they scored it wrong. They did everything wrong that they could possibly do. There’s actually a fascinating lesson in filmmaking, because everything that they did reflects back to the script or looks like something from the script, and people assume that, if I hated it, then they’d changed the script...but it wasn’t so much that they’d changed the script; it’s that they just executed it in such a ghastly fashion as to render it almost unwatchable.” – Joss Whedon.
That’s why I can blame him. Dude admits to the film being faithful to the script, albeit in all the wrong ways, and then takes zero responsibility. Dammit, Joss, you still wrote this scene:
I’ll admit Whedon was in a tough bind to write the story – Alien3’s ending was meant to be all-encompassing, and as far as I’m concerned, it still is. But got-damn did he stink it up. Nobody’s perfect, but wow, man. Don’t sell that guy the rights to The Terminator. Still, he did come up with one effective scene. See, Ripley’s clone is called 8. In this scene, we find out why:
Reflection: The only truly essential movie is Alien, although the first two sequels form a decent trilogy.
Curiosity: It’s David Fincher’s first film! It’s the thrilling conclusion to the Alien trilogy (because Alien Resurrection doesn’t count)!
Plot: The survivors from Aliens crash land on a prison planet called Fiorina. Er’rybody dies except for Ripley (Sigourney Weaver). Her escape pod is found and she is nursed back to health, if only physically. She seems a wee bit unstable since A) her friends just met awfully violent ends and B) she’s pretty sure the aliens (or xenomorphs, if you prefer) were behind. Got-damn aliens… Anyhoozle, it turns out her suspicions were correct, as an alien bursts out of a dog, resulting in something that’s a lot faster and angrier than anything Ripley has dealt with before. While she has a few potential allies, like the religious leader Dillon (Charles S. Dutton) and romantic interest Clemens (Charles Dance), Ripley feels she must work on her own to track down this menace and figure out who else might be infected.
Thoughts: I like Alien3 in theory. It’s pretty dark, especially after the hopeful ending of Aliens. I mean, Fincher kills a kid in one of the most awful ways possible, and then forces Ripley to perform an autopsy on her body to make sure she wasn’t impregnated with an alien. That’s messed up. The principle cast is decent. Weaver plays Ripley differently each film, this time making her into a nihilist whose sole goal is to finally wipe out the aliens, without much sense of self-preservation. When you factor in all the time she’s spent in hyper-sleep, for Ripley the events of Alien were only a few weeks ago, so I get why she’s cracking up here. Dutton gives Dillon a bit of a Malcolm X quality, providing a great deal of strength for and from the character. Dance is always welcome because he’s British and very, very dry. With one exception, the rest of the prison planet consists of white dudes who only get a few lines a-piece, so they feel interchangeable.
Alien3 started filming before the script was even finished (the sequel was originally pitched as a vehicle for Hicks and Bishop from Aliens), so I’m willing to go easy on Fincher, who obviously went on to better things. But man does this thing start to suck after a while. The tension goes right out of the movie after Newt’s autopsy, settling for scene after scene of the alien massacring characters I don’t really care about. Elliot Goldenthal’s over-the-top score attempts to highlight tension in scenes that lack it, which just makes me long for Jerry Goldsmith’s reserved score from Alien that much more. Alien is such a quiet, creepy, claustrophobic film. Alien3gets stuck in Aliens’ “big dumb action movie” setting without enough firepower to ratchet up the excitement. The closing battle is especially dull and confusing – it amounts to a whole lot of running, yelling, and tunnels. My God, the tunnels.
Reflection: Somehow, my DVD copy of the film is the original theatrical cut, which features Bishop (Lance Hentriksen) before he was retconned for Alien vs. Predator, which makes it easier to ignore that series. Oh wait, this is a bad movie blog…
Plot: Having survived the events of the original Alien, Ripley (Sigourney Weaver) puts herself into hyper-sleep (a.k.a. suspended animation), hoping to be found by another ship in about six weeks.
She drifts in deep space for 57 years before being discovered. Her daughter, who was 11 when Ripley left for her mining mission, died at 66. The company she worked for refuses to believe in her story about the alien and removes her pilot’s license. Ripley seems stuck in a dead end job without family or friends, only to have Carter Burke (Paul Reiser) offer her a new gig. Turns out that planet Ripley and the crew of the Nostromo landed on in Alien has since been colonized, and said colony has lost contact with Earth. Burke secures a team of Marines and, with Ripley’s help, intends to investigate the situation.
Thoughts: I’m kind of experiencing a personal backlash against James Cameron, who wrote and directed Aliens. Maybe it’s the craptastic trailer for Avatar. Maybe it’s the hack job he did on Rambo: First Blood Part II (or the fact that he recycled Rambo’s set-up for Aliens). Or maybe it’s just that Aliens, while probably the more popular film among fans, is the weaker, dumber film. The set-up has a huge plot hole – how could the colonists not have noticed the alien ship’s signal like in Alien? The dialogue is way crasser. And Cameron lacks Ridley Scott’s nuance with a camera. Where the monster was in Alien was mostly concealed so as to build suspense, Cameron only does so when he needs to save money, and it shows.
Still, Cameron is a natural action director, and his film has some excellent scenes spread out. The creature effects he got out of Stan Winston’s team, especially on the Alien Queen, are phenomenal. The final battle sequence is both more visually satisfying than the original and a lot less based in science. Ripley starts to come into her own as a heroine. In the original, she was clearly smart, but here she begins to lose her fear of the aliens. As Weaver herself nicknamed the character, she turns into “Rambolina.”
