The Mighty Ducks (1992)

Tagline: He’s never coached. They’ve never won. Together they’ll learn everything about winning!

Curiosity: For a certain generation, this is the most important sports movie of all time (followed by Air Bud, Angels in the Outfield, Rookie of the Year, and Space Jam. In that order. Happy Gilmore would be in there too if your mom wasn’t such a wet blanket about the language).

Plot: As a child, Gordon Bombay (Emilioooooooooooooooo Estevez) is super good at hockey, but he totally blows the state championship and grows up to be an alcoholic lawyer douche bag. When a cop pulls him over for dranking and driving, the entire city rallies to have him banned from practicing law. His boss, Mr. Ducksworth (Josef Sommer), talks him into community service. Now he’s got to coach a rag-tag team of misfits (Including Joshua Jackson, Wet Hot American Summmer’s Marguerite Moreau, The Adventures of Pete & Pete’s Danny Tamberelli, and mo-fuckin’ Aaron Schwartz from Heavyweights) to victory. But they’re so bumbling and angry! How can he reach these inner city youth?

SPOILER ALERT: He buys them nice things and tries to stop acting like such a dick all the time.

Thoughts: Fuck yes Mighty Ducks is still good. I had reservations going into the film – Estevez is such a wiener for the first half hour or so. It’s like Bad News Bears without the humor. But then the team starts to coalesce once Bombay realizes that sometimes the real winners are the ones who try to have fun and play fair. Moral lessons for everybody!

Some of the humor falls flat – Goldberg (Shaun Weiss) and Guy-Who-Isn’t-Screech (Guy-Who-Isn’t-Screech) are meant to provide wisecracks for the kiddies, but mostly they’re just two lame-ass kids who won’t shut the fuck up. The best kid is obviously Jackson, because he’s so sad and sensitive and he tries so dang hard to be good at hockey. Also he super wants Gordon to bone his mom (Heidi Kling). So there’s that.

The Mighty Ducks moves awfully quickly. I was surprised at some of the scenes’ brevity, which some cynics might dismiss as Ducks being a sports movie by the numbers. Those people suck pickled ass. My only real complaint is that the movie is set in Minnesota, yet nobody has a Midwestern accent. Also they should have used Prince and/or Husker Du more often in the soundtrack. Otherwise, it’s a great movie about flying straight. And not crippling your friends. And avoiding drugs. And getting your mom laid by Emilio Estevez.

Reflection #1: This movie is the reason I never trusted Lane Smith (the villainous Hawks coach Jack Reilly), even when he played Perry on Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman.

Reflection #2: Holy shit, that’s Danny Tamberelli!

Reflection #3: Holy shit, that’s Marguerite Moreau!

Reflection #4: Holy shit, Aaron Schwartz got wicked hot!

Reflection #5: I would like to submit that Johnny Tsunami is also one of the most important sports movies of all time.

The A-Team (2010)

Tagline: There is no Plan B.

Curiosity: It’s a remake… errrrrr, re-imagining of a popular TV series which I have never seen. Look, it has Liam Neeson, OK?

Plot: A crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn’t commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the underground. Today, still wanted by the government, they survive as soldiers of fortune. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, and if you can find them, maybe you can hire... The A-Team.

Thoughts: The A-Team, or, if you prefer, Yelling Explosions Forever, is better than it has any right to be. It’s by no means perfect, but compared to other TV-to-movie adaptations, it manages to get all the points right. Hannibal (Neeson) smokes cigars and loves it when plans come together. B.A. (Quinton “Rampage” Jackson) has a Mohawk and pities fools. The other two guys (Midnight Meat Train’s Bradley Cooper, Sharlto Copley) do whatever the hell they did on the show. And just like in the original program, the bad guys can’t shoot for shit.

The movie surrounding those things just isn’t quite as good. The special effects are often lacking, and it’s never good when a film that reportedly cost $110 million looks this cheap. The story often gets a bit convoluted for a movie that’s primarily concerned with explosions and male wish fulfillment. Product placement for Budweiser is obnoxiously prevalent (Raise your hand if you have traveled to Europe in search of a Bud. Anyone? Anyone?) And I’d criticize Jackon’s acting chops if I wasn’t pants-shittingly afraid of him beating my ass (OK here goes: Dude mumbles a lot). Scenes often come down to dudes screaming at each other. Sometimes it’s funny; something’s it’s grating. Overall, though, not the worst way to spend my Monday night.

Reflection: Yo, I’d make out with Bradley Cooper. That dude’s chest is scrumptious.

Command Performance (2009)

Tagline: Dying is easy. Rock ‘n’ roll is hard.

Curiosity: Dolph Lundgren is a rock ‘n’ roll drummer that fights terrorists!

Plot: Dolph Lundgren is a rock ‘n’ roll drummer that fights terrorists!

Also there are some other people who do some other things. But mostly it’s about Joe (Lundgren) and his quest to A) rock the balls off fans and B) save the Russian president (Hristo Shopov) from gettin’ killed dead. He gets a partner, Mikhail (Zahary Baharov) along the way, as well a creepy way too young love interest, pop sensation Venus (Melissa Smith).

Thoughts: Lundgren wrote, directed, and starred in this love letter to rock and/or roll, and I was pretty stoked to find out he can actually play drums (in addition to having a master’s degree chemical engineering and a third degree black belt. Did you know he won the European karate championship in 1980 and ’81? Did you know that he is, scientifically speaking, the dreamiest and the creamiest?). As always, dude is the tops. The music performed in the movie isn’t always good, but it isn’t meant to be either. For a direct-to-DVD flick, Command Performance boasts an awful lot of authentic, original music.

The film around him is a little by-the-numbers, though. It’s a little Russian Die Hard, but with less awesome stuff, perhaps due to a smaller budget. Still, Lundgren gets in some cool fight scenes, and even cedes the spotlight enough to Baharov that his character feels both real and important.

One thing that bothered me a bit, though: The sub-plot in which we learn how an average yet super sex rock star like Joe learned to beat the shit out of people is way, way more compelling than the main story. I vote Lundgren drafts a Command Performance prequel.

Reflection: I take it back. If I was in Venus’ place, I’d be so totally into Lundgren too.

Way of the Dragon (1972)

Tagline: MAN, CAN WE USE HIM NOW! Bruce Lee is back in the fantastic all new adventures of the Super Hero from “Enter the Dragon...” ..his last performance is his best!

Curiosity: Bruce Lee vs. Chuck Norris.

Plot: Chen Ching Chua (Nora Miao) knows a guy who knows a guy who knows Tang Lung (Bruce fuckin’ Lee) and asks him to help defend her restaurant from gangsters over yonder in Italy. Tang shows up and beats the gangsters up, down, and all around (except off, ’cause that would be a completely different movie). Annoyed that Tang is so dang good at kung fu fighting, the Mafia boss (John T. Benn) hires international karate masters to fight Tang. The strongest and best of these new arrivals is Colt (Chuck fuckin’ Norris). Can Tang take him down? Will he ever stop being scared by sexually aggressive Italian women? Will he take his shirt off and do that high pitched screaming thing?

[SPOILER ALERT: Yes, no, yes.]

Thoughts: At a trim 90 minutes (Give or take. Like pretty much all of Lee’s films, there are plenty of alternate cuts, ranging from 80 to 100 minutes or so), Way of the Dragon is a little more focused than Lee’s other films up to this point. This comes at a price, though. The characters and story are less developed. Tang shows up pretty much just because. The Mafia is obsessed with controlling a Chinese restaurant in Italy… just because. As always, though, these lacking elements are canceled out by the action.

Compared to Fist of Fury or The Big Boss, Way of the Dragon’s fight scenes are much more minimalist, often focusing on one-on-one combat and how the slightest movements – both intentionally and unintentionally – can determine a fight. One idea the film slips in is “no way as way.” Tang announces his moves as he performs them early in the film to intimidate his foes, but it also shows how the character is very much into routine. He can perform these moves without thinking because he’s practiced so much and they follow a preset pattern that his enemies can’t figure out. But when he comes up against someone just as skilled – Colt – Tang has to alternate his pattern and even use unconventional moves, like ripping off Colt’s chest hair, to gain the upper hand. It’s when Colt can’t similarly adapt that he begins to lose the fight. It’s a pretty long, brutal scene too, which justifies the movie around it.

Reflection: This was much more satisfying than the time Lee fought Jackie Chan in Enter the Dragon.

X-Men: The Animated Series (1992-1997)

Tagline: *SNIKT!*

Curiosity: I’ve been re-evaluating items from my childhood. X-Files doesn’t hold up so well now that I know there was no real ending in sight, but The Simpsons is much funnier now that I’m old enough to get all the jokes.

Plot: Professor Charles Xavier (Cedric Smith) runs a school… FOR MUTANTS! KIDS WITH SUPERPOWERS YEE-HAW! There are many obstacles against his best students, the X-Men. Humanity at large is pretty freaked out about mutants. Magneto (David Hemblen), another mutant with the power of magnetism, thinks that mutants should just kick the shit out of er’rybody, but the psychic Xavier thinks that’s kind of a dick move.

Also the characters represent any oppressed minority ever.

Except for furries. That shit’s gross.

Thoughts: Up until now, I’ve been a pretty good judge of which of my previous passions have held up and which have aged horribly (HORRIBLY!). But I’m not completely sure if I love X-Men because I was “the right age” for its original run, or if it’s just still a solid superhero cartoon.

There are numerous faults with the series. Compared to Bruce Timm’s run with DC’s animated shows (Batman, Superman, Justice League), X-Men looks terrible. The animation is choppy, cells are frequently colored incorrectly, and voices don’t always synch up with mouth movements. The first season ignored characters’ histories in the comics in favor of something more streamlined for Saturday morning shows, which only hampered the show later on. Cable (Lawrence Bayne), for example, started off in the show as a Rambo-esque cowboy, not a clone baby with psychic powers and an arm infected by a techno-organic virus from the future. Easier to explain initially, but the writers quickly retconned the new origin once they tried using him in future stories. The stories got more ambitious later on, to a fault (The “Phoenix” and “Dark Phoenix” sagas add up to nine freaking episodes… 11 if you count the two-part “Out of the Past” episodes which set up the “Phoenix Saga”). The final season is kind of a wash.

But there is so much good stuff crammed in. Exiles fans get the creation of Morph, a character killed in the pilot who proved so popular that the writers brought him back for a story arc that spanned the entire second season. The equality message is pretty strong, which is good for kids. And the characters are so dang awesome. Wolverine (Cal Dodd) gets all the love, and rightly so – dude kicks a lot of butt. Cyclops (Norm Spencer) gets in some pretty choice shots too, like when he takes out Mr. Sinister (Christopher Britton) in the second season finale. Taken as a whole, the series simplifies some of the comic book’s greatest storylines (“Days of Future Past,” “Dark Phoenix Saga,” “The Phalanx Covenant”) and allows a lot of popular characters (Nighcrawler, Cable, Colossus, etc.) to get their due. Ultimately, it was one of the greatest sci-fi shows of the ’90s, and I’m pretty stoked to finally own the series on DVD.

Reflection: HOW SWEET IS THIS THEME SONG?

MacGruber (2010)

Tagline: The ultimate tool.

Curiosity: I wanted to see how the filmmakers could stretch a 90-second premise into 90 minutes. Call it the Dude, Where’s My Car? Effect.

Plot: When no good ponytail-wearin’ bad guy Dieter Von Cunth (Val Kilmer) steals a nuclear warhead, there’s only one man who can stop him: MacGruber (Will Forte). Unfortunately, MacGruber has given up his life as an explosives expert in favor of missionary work in South America after Von Cunth killed his wife Casey (Maya Rudolph) a decade ago. Eventually, though, Mac comes around, and with an army of WWE Superstars behind him (except for Big Show, for reasons better seen than read).

Then he blows them up and settles for Kristin Wiig and Ryan Phillippe instead.

Thoughts: I saw MacGruber alone in a movie theater after work, which, given how much the film has been eating it at the box office, doesn’t seem too uncommon. That worked to my advantage, though, because there are several gross out moments in the film that just would’ve been awkward to watch with other people. This is certainly not a movie I want to watch with my mom.

This isn’t a Farrelly brothers film, though. The gross outs tend to be… darker. Like when MacGruber offers to fellate Phillippe’s character and starts crying and undressing and promising creepier and creepier sex acts. Props to Forte for consistently going all in – especially during his back-to-back sex scenes – the movie is a bit of a squirmer.

But I dig it anyhow. The cast is game for the film’s many awkward moments (Dear Val Kilmer: Make more comedies. Signed, Me) and the scenes pack enough action to satisfy fans of fake violence. On that level, MacGruber isn’t too far removed from, say, The Marine. It actually gets pretty bloody. Sometimes comically so, but the film does a nice job balancing the action and comedy better than Get Smart. I’m not sure I’d want to own a DVD copy, but MacGruber still makes for nice, fucked up diversion.

Reflection: I honestly could’ve gone for more of the Superstars. Chris Jericho and Big Show both deliver really funny cameos, and Kane has always secretly been a hilarious guy.

Edge of Darkness (2010)

Tagline: Some secrets take us to the edge.

Curiosity: My baby girl picked this one. She’s got a nose for date movies.

Plot: When Emma Craven (Bojana Novakovic) is gunned down, everyone assumes the killer meant to take out her father, Boston detective Thomas Craven (Mel Gibson). But Thomas totally knows better! Also it helps that every time he talks to his daughter’s friends and co-workers, they act totally super shady about it! Could, Northmoor, the nefarious corporation she worked for, be behind her death? Are they selling nuclear weapons to foreign countries?

Maybe.

Thoughts: Mel Gibson has developed a reputation over the last decade or so for being crazy. And Anti-Semitic. And racist. And, I don’t know, averse to puppies or some shit. Point is, some folks hate him for being a big jerk-butt. But I still kind of dig his movies. Yeah, Passion of the Christ was a bit much and Apocalypto was a bit historically inaccurate/racist (yet still oddly watcheable), but I’m still down with ol’ Gibby kicking the snot out of bad guys, which is something Edge of Darkness eventually gets around to delivering.

But man does it take a while to get there.

For a while, the film recycles Thomas’s lapse into madness, as he hallucinates conversations with his deceased daughter as a child. It’s effective the first time. Not so much the 20th time. Then he interviews someone connected to Emma that’s so clearly, totally in on her death. I love Danny Huston, but he’s so clearly the lead bad guy from the beginning that every scene with him drags. JUST SHOOT HIM.

But that’s kind of the point of the film. As Thomas learns, having the facts isn’t as important as being able to manipulate them to one’s purposes. It’s an interesting perspective that ultimately leads to one big deus ex machine. But for a while, Edge of Darkness gets by on the principal cast’s performances. Oh, and the ridiculous violence. Emma flies like 10 feet when she gets shot. A key witness gets hit by a car at a moment when there could not conceivably have been a car coming. Shit just happens because it looks cool.

Reflection: Next time we’re watching Star Trek. Or Hard Rock Zombies.