Jingle All the Way (1996)

Tagline: Two Dads, One Toy, No Prisoners.

Curiosity: It’s Arnold Brownschwagger and Sinbad in a movie about how kids make Christmas suck. It’s the kind of film that sums up everything I’ve ever felt.

Plot: Hardworking dad Howard (Schwarzenegger) can only find one way to get his shitty son Jamie (Jake Lloyd) to love him: through material possessions. Sadly, all of his attempts to build a stable home environment and college fund for his son are for naught, as the only thing Jamie craves is a Turboman doll. Love, security, education… these things hold no meaning to Jamie and his twisted plastic addiction. It’s not until Howard’s wife Liz (Rita Wilson) mentions that the toy will be neigh impossible to find this time of year that he realizes the hell he has entered.

The next morning – Christmas Eve – he embarks on a journey of epic Lord of the Rings proportions to find the got-damned toy. His enemies are many: Myron (Sinbad), a rival father also looking for the action figure; Officer Hummell (Robert Conrad), the malicious cop looking to abuse his authority over Howard; Ted (Phil Hartman), a neighborhood lothario out to seduce Liz; and Santa Claus (James Belushi), a mysterious man who may not be what he seems.

Thoughts: At a tight 85 minutes, Jingle All the Way never stops punishing Howard with one obstacle after another, building towards a series of twists that no one could possibly see coming. There’s just no gosh dang way. Yet he pushes, oh Lord how he pushes. That’s what gives Jingle All the Way its inspirational edge; Howard’s determination to get the job done. At the same time, though, this is one of the saddest Christmas movies I’ve ever seen. Forget The Christmas Shoes; Jingle All the Way is about one man’s insane devotion to his child, which is depressing because of how irredeemably terrible that child is. Jamie yell-whines at everyone and everything without the slightest provocation. He has a Captain America mural in his freaking room, a room that just so happens to be located in a nice house in a nice neighborhood. In a town riddled with single parents, his folks somehow make it work in spite of Howard’s stressful job. None of this matters to him. Jamie is a self-centered addict. One day he is going to harvest his mother’s organs for the black market, just so he can placate his Dragonzord fix. Unbelievable.

Reflection: I think I’ve stumbled upon a trend in Schwarzenegger films: The shitty kid. There are exceptions – Edward Furlong in T2: Judgment Day and the unborn fetus from Junior – but I think Kindergarten Cop has enough crappy tots to balance that out. I must conduct more research.

Gremlins (1984)

Tagline: What you see... isn’t always what you get.

Curiosity: I haven’t watched this film in like 15 years; I’d say it’s due for a revisiting.

Plot: Inventor Randall Peltzer (Hoyt Axton) is trying to hock some of his creations when he stumbles upon a mysterious creature called a mogwai (Howie Mandel). It’s cute, fluffy, and named Gizmo, and it would make a perfect Christmas gift for Peltzer’s son, Billy (Zach Galligan). After Gizmo’s owner, Mr. Wing (Keye Luke), refuses on the grounds that mogwai are too difficult to raise, his grandson (John Louie) sneaks the pet out and gives to Randall. There are three key rules for raising mogwai:

1. Don’t let it near bright light, especially direct sunlight.
2. Don’t let it touch water.
3. Don’t feed it after midnight.

When Billy botches these guidelines, there’s shenanigans a-doing.

Thoughts: I’m really surprised my parents let me watch Gremlins when I was a kid. While it was only rated PG, it’s awfully violent. Of course, given that it’s a horror-comedy from director Joe Dante (The Howling, Piranha), I guess I should’ve known. Still, there were so many scenes that I flat out did not remember: Mrs. Peltzer (Frances Lee McCain) brutally slaughtering three gremlins in a row. Phoebe Cates’ disturbing monologue about her dad. The presence of Corey Feldman. On a really uncomfortable note, I never picked up on the quasi-racist “Ancient Chinese secret” tone of the film’s opening scene before. The ’80s were a great time for making Western films that totally bullshitted Chinese culture (Helloooo Big Trouble in Little China).

Gosh dang do I love this movie, for the reasons above and more. The cast is great, and Gizmo looks awesome. He is legitimately adorable, and I would totally buy a mogwai if they A) were real and B) didn’t come with the three rules attached. I just know I’d fuck that up within 24 hours. Gremlins strikes me as yet another childhood favorite that could never be made today, in that no one would be able to handle the violence, dark humor, slapstick, and (potential) racism. Well, maybe Guillermo del Toro, but I’ve yet to see him handle comedy. He’d prolly CG Gizmo anyway. Boo-urns.

Reflection: Got-damn I love my mom and dad.

RIFFTRAX LIVE CHRISTMAS SHORTS-STRAVAGANZA!!

GET FUCKING STOKED ON IT!

Stick It (2006)

Tagline: It’s not called gym-nice-tics.

Curiosity: This one was my buddy Drew’s doing. Although, seriously, it’s a gymnastics film written/directed by Jessica Bendinger (Bring It On) and starring Jeff Bridges (Tron, Tron Legacy).

Plot: After getting arrested for the umpteenth time, rebellious extreme sports enthusiast Haley (Missy Peregrym) has two options – attend military school or a gymnastics academy run by Burt Vickerman (Bridges), who has a reputation for pushing his students to the point of injury. Her father forces her to go to the latter. There, Haley chafes the craw of everyone around her, from Vickerman (“No one cares what you do,” he tells her often) to fellow students like Joanne (Vanessa Lengies). Over time, though, her sassy brand of independence teaches her peers that gymnastics can be a sport about individuality instead of a forced routine meant to entertain the evil, baby-killing judges in this heartwarming tale of feminism or whatever.

Thoughts: While I generally hate the phrase, “guilty pleasure” sums up my appreciation for Stick It, as it liberally uses one of my biggest pet peeves, narration, to skip over character development. Everything we know about Haley’s family and gymnastics outside of Vickerman’s gym comes from narration. Speaking of Vickerman, we’re told that he’s a terrible coach with a knack for hurting his students, yet he never exhibits those qualities during the film’s 103 minute running time. The narration is lame.

And yet, when Electric Six comes on and the spinning, flying, psychedelic gymnastic visuals kick in, I don’t care. Let the record show that this is the first “bad” movie discussed here that my girlfriend actually liked. Oh sure, she spent the first hour or so trying to figure out why I was so absorbed in a film geared towards 13-year-old girls, but once the athleticism kicked in, she was astounded. More importantly, she was entertained by the way strong female characters subverted authority figures – BAM INSTANT FEMINIST MANIFESTO I WIN. This shit is uplifting, I’m a good person, the end forever.

Reflection: Seriously, who thought to include “Dancer Commander?” Fast-forward to 4:11:

so this is christmas.

Let's brainstorm, ya'll. I had a lot of fun doing a month of horror films in October for Halloween. I want to try something similar but less ambitious for Christmas: seven films for the week of Jesus Day: Birth Edition. I have five that I am absolutely going to do. There are two others that I'm on the fence about, so I wanted to reach out for idears. Send me an e-mail at pelonej1@gmail.com and help me pick two pretty awful, kinda hilarious Christmas films.

Braindead / Dead Alive (1992)

Tagline: Some things won’t stay down... even after they die.

Curiosity: Peter Jackson may have a bunch of Oscars on his mantelpiece now, but he was once a pretty gross horror/cult icon.

Plot: Set in 1957, Lionel Cosgrove (Timothy Balme) leads a fairly sheltered life under his mum’s (Elizabeth Moody) oppressive thumb when he Latin meets love interest Paquita (Diana Peñalver). They go on a date to the local New Zealand zoo, where Lionel’s mum is bitten by a Sumatran Rat-Monkey. The alleged product of a rat raping a monkey, the Rat-Monkey infects Mrs. Cosgrove, effectively turning her into a zombie. Ever the momma’s boy, Lionel tries to keep her condition hidden, but as her infection spreads to more people, that becomes a lonely, grisly goal.

Thoughts: Holy fucking shit. Jackson lets viewers know early on that he’s gonna go for gore, but that didn’t prepare me for this [skip to the six-minute mark if you want]:

Gaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa he gets just the right mix of puss and blood. And that’s not even the grossest part! The film’s final 15 minutes or so are a symphony of bad taste (not to be confused with Jackson’s 1987 film, Bad Taste), not that I’d want to spoil anything. Braindead needs to be spoken of sparingly so as to preserve its shock value, but I will throw out some tidbits: “I kick ass for the Lord,” zombie sex, and the weirdest day in a park with a baby I’ve ever seen. I’m intentionally leaving out one particularly gross gag at the end, but surely the phrase “zombie sex” has already piqued you? Remember, once you see it, you can’t unsee it.

It’s because of the film’s ridiculously traumatic imagery that I found myself loving Balme in the lead role, though. As insane as the story gets, dude’s reactions during what must be the shittiest week in his life seem pretty plausible to me. And really, when this happens:

Wouldn’t you be making faces like this:

Reflection: My dad almost walked in on the zombie sex scene. So, that was fun.

Beverly Hills Ninja (1997)

Tagline: Kung fool! Ha ha get it?!

Curiosity: I’m still trying to figure out why people love Chris Farley. Also, Mortal Kombat star Robin Shou has a supporting role. Mortal freaking Kombat, with the fatalities and the techno and the punching Goro in the balls.

Plot: As a baby, Haru (Farley) was rescued by a ninja clan. While they initially suspect that he might fulfill an ancient prophecy about a foreigner who goes on to become a master ninja, time reveals Haru to be a clumsy, obese, and poor student. Still, his sensei, named Sensei (Soon-Tek Oh), tries to take care of Haru as best he can. So, when Haru leaves for Beverly Hills to investigate a murder mystery at the behest of buxom beauty Sally Jones (Nicollette Sheridan), Sensei sends his best pupil, Gobei (Shou), to look after him. Given that A) Haru is not a good ninja and B) Sally Jones may or may not be bullshitting about her name. Will Haru ever become a ninja master? Will he be able to stop Sally’s baddie boyfriend Martin Tanley (Nathaniel Parker)? Will fattie fall down go boom?

Thoughts: At this point, I’ve logged about 70 films for SNC. All of them were of questionable taste in one way or another, but some were just so got-damned hilarious or action-packed that I would have watched them whether or not I meant to comment on them. Not so with Beverly Hills Ninja, a film that I struggled through entirely because of this blog. I know Tommy Boy is revered in some circles, but Jesus Christ on Hot Cross Buns, who the hell thinks Farley’s shtick is amusing 24/7? Don’t get me wrong; he could be funny in small doses. But his reliance on lame site gags and physical comedy could never sustain a leading role in a full-length film. He was never exactly Peter Sellers.

Then again, I’ve read that Farley wasn’t happy with Beverly Hills Ninja, so I suppose I can cut him a little slack here. After all, he didn’t write the damned thing. He didn’t necessarily come up with the hacky, quasi-racist premise. At the same time, though, it’s hard for me to separate this from any of his other material. Pretty much every Farley role consisted of a “fat guy + job” formula (See: fat cop in Airheads, fat roadie in Wayne’s World 2, fat North American frontiersman looking to best Lewis and Clark in Almost Heroes). Oddly enough, I can only think of one role – his last – where his weight had nothing to do with his character, that being his supporting turn in Dirty Work.

Reflection: There is no reflection. Only hate.