Robot Holocaust (1986)

Tag line: “The last city still stood. The remaining home of what was left of the civilization of New Terra. The society had been all but destroyed by the Robot Rebellion of ’33. When the Robots had turned on their masters by the billions, the ensuing chaos led to a radiation spill, far more deadly than any nuclear warfare. The world had been brought to its knees by the…ROBOT HOLOCAUST.”

Curiosity: It was on OnDemand under the Free Movies section. And look at that name!

Thoughts: Given that it’s a cheap-looking 1986 sci-fi flick about a future robotic revolution, you’d think Robot Holocaust would be just a Terminator rip-off. Oddly enough, the films it calls more to mind are the Conan movies and The Matrix, which was still 13 years away. Set in a post-apocalyptic New York City (“after the robot rebellion of ’33”), which consists of one abandoned factory and lots of exterior shots of ’86 NYC from Jersey’s side of the river, the film focuses on a hero named Neo. See, the robots, of which there are like four, maybe five, force humanity to provide them with energy (like in The Matrix). Humans, or “air slaves,” are severely compromised by poisoned air (like in The Matrix). However, Neo is immune to the robots’ powers (like in The Matrix). And he’s gonna save us all with a rag-tag team of renegades (like in The Matrix) and a big honkin’ sword (wait, what?).

While Robot Holocaust’s plot points are disappointingly similar to those of The Matrix – is there anything about the Wachowski Brothers that doesn’t suck? – the film breaks away by avoiding technology at any cost. One would think this would be hard, since it’s a movie about robots committing holocausts, but the writer/director Tim Kincaid pulls it off by showing anything but. Neo kills a lot of the film’s 79-minute running time by fighting sock puppets, feminist barbarians, mutated humans, and off-screen giant spiders instead of robots. Aside from one bad guy and Neo’s robot sidekick, Klyton, no one has a frickin’ laser cannon. Also, one quarter of Robot Holocaust’s robots are good. I guess Klyton is the film’s Schindler. Almost everyone uses a sword.

Another boon/bane of the film is its frequent reliance on off-screen action. When a character is captured by the Beast of the Web, we only see one giant spider leg, which Neo stabs a bunch of times. The main villain, Dark One, is never shown. He dies off-screen. He intimidates a character off-screen, leading to about five minutes of reaction shots. And he threatens the bejeebits outta his servant, Valeria, off-screen for the entire movie.

Speaking of Valeria, she’s the best/worst part of the movie. Actress Angelika Jager has the most lines and arguably the least amount of talent in the cast. Favorite quotes include “Perhaps it is time for you to see you what awaits you” and “Do you think you can save you drawer [daughter]?” The film clearly didn’t have enough money for second takes, as most of the budget had to have gone into the Pleasure Machine scene. Dark One rewards his servants with trips to this machine, which causes them to see dry ice, Christmas lights, and naked people. So it goes.

Reflection: Robot Holocaust is clunky, dimly lit, and poorly acted. About 90 percent of the film is clearly shot in the same factory, with only minor props varying per scene. It has a certain “home movie” feel because of these qualities. Each scene felt increasingly crafted on the fly, as if thrown together after charging a couple hundred bucks at an arts and crafts store. The film’s understanding of science is laughable; its clunky pacing even better. But Valeria and the copious reaction shots… these are what I savored as I (admittedly) got drunker on Yuengling at 1 a.m. It’s no wonder this turned up on an early episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.