Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Tagline: Evolution becomes revolution.

Curiosity: Apes be getting crazy! Also my baby girl wanted to see this for some reason (I blame Freida Pinto).

Plot: Dr. Will Rodman (James Franco) is trying to cure Alzheimer’s, and the key to doing so lies in creating a virus that can repair brain cells. Not only does this virus repair cells, though, it also creates new ones, resulting in a marked increase in intelligence in the apes he’s testing the virus on. But when one of the apes, Bright Eyes, goes psycho-crazy, Rodman loses his funding and is ordered to kill the rest of the test subjects. But he can’t bring himself to kill Bright Eyes’ baby, Caesar (Andy Serkis). Instead, he raises Caesar in secret with his Alzheimer’s-stricken father (John Lithgow). Rodman and Caesar become good buddies, and together they pick up a pretty lady (Pinto) and have some great times.

Then shit gets fucked.

Thoughts: I feel like most of my praise for Rise of the Planet of the Apes consists of backhanded compliments. It’s pretty good, despite being the seventh Apes movie and having a terrible ad campaign and jumping around plot points considerably. But it’s true: I don’t think many people on the Internets thought it was gong to be a good movie, and instead it’s the best movie to come out this summer. What the fuck.

If anything, what makes the film work is that it borrows strategies from Batman Begins (gritty reboot that respects the source material and jettisons camp) and 2001: A Space Odyssey (the most human character isn’t actually human). Serkis has always done incredible motion capture work (Lord of the Rings, King Kong), and Apes is yet another moving performance from the guy in a wet suit. But the whole cast is great, if underutilized. Franco gets plenty of screen time, but Pinto, Lithgow, and Brian Cox all feel underutilized. They’re great, as is Tom Felton (trading the British douchebaggery of Draco Malfoy for the American douchebaggery of Dodge Landon), but they all could have gotten more.

But then, Apes needs its brisk pacing to keep things moving, considering it takes place over the course of about 15 years or something. It also jumps from genre to genre – rom-com to sci-fi to drama to action – so focusing on any one element might have derailed the film. While I wouldn’t exactly put it on the same level as Batman Begins or 2001 – too many convenient plot twists – it’s an emotionally affecting work. You can come into with the thinnest awareness of the Apes franchise and still get caught up in the characters, although fans will surely enjoy all of the references to the series. Sure it gets clunky at times – recycling that “Damn dirty ape” bit is too obvious – but as a whole, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is easily the best movie of the summer.

Verdict: Seriously, best movie with worst ad campaign 2011. I’m glad it’s making money despite the truly shitty trailers and posters.

Heavy Metal (1981)

Tagline: A step beyond science fiction!

Curiosity: I was never allowed to watch it as a kid. That, Black Sabbath’s “Mob Rules” is on the soundtrack, and that tune fuggin’ rules.

Plot: Dudes fuck busty ladies with their boners. Also, some bad guys are trying to obtain a green orb with mysterious powers.

But mostly boners.

Thoughts: Oh wow. Oh… geez, man. In order to appreciate Heavy Metal, you really need to be in the film’s target demographic, which is horny 13-year-old boys. Otherwise, you might fixate on how every character is nothing more than a sex party waiting to happen, or how the plot is a paper-thin boob-delivery system. But even judged as fan service, Heavy Metal falls short due to uneven animation. I just don’t think the human body works the way the film depicts.

As science fiction, Heavy Metal is even worse. The orb actually reminds me of the one ring from Lord of the Rings, in that both are evil objects that few can control. Except Lord of the Rings is a literary masterpiece, and Heavy Metal is a piece of shit.

But wait, given that the movie is called Heavy Metal, it surely must have a ballin’ soundtrack, right? Wrong. Outside of Black Sabbath and maybe Blue Öyster Cult, there is no metal on the soundtrack. Sure, it’s got Devo, whom I love, but they seem inappropriate. What makes the collection laughable, though, is the inclusion of artists like Journey, Sammy Hagar, Grand Funk Railroad, and fucking Stevie Nicks. I know Heavy Metal is “inspired” by a sci-fi erotica mag, but this music is just shit.

Reflection: IF YOU LISTEN TO FOOLS / THE MOB RULES / GUITAR SQUEALIE!

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Tagline: Discover the origin of the first avenger.

Curiosity: My man Chris Evans plays Marvel’s best piece of political commentary, Captain America.

Plot: Scrawny Steve Rodgers (Evans) just wants to serve his country, but with all his health ailments, the armed forces continually reject him. Finally, though, he meets German ex-pat scientist Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who admires his dedication to a moral life that defies flags and governments and stuff. The good doctor selects Rodgers to be the test subject for a super soldier formula, much to the consternation of folks like British agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) and U.S. Colonel Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones). Even his best friend Bucky (Sebastian Stan, who is Romanian. DID YOU KNOW THAT?) can’t believe Steve’s luck. But when Nazi spies kill Erskine and unveil a new, technologically advanced sect called HYDRA, Steve quickly sets about proving his worth.

Thoughts: I really need the Avengers movie to be good. It was cool when the idea first got floated out in Iron Man, but I’m starting to get burned out on the build-up. Films like Iron Man 2 and Thor were uneven due to the Avengers side plot; Captain America is bookended by Avengers developments, distracting from an otherwise solid, gee-wiz sort of World War II action piece a la Indiana Jones. The creamy middle consists of a stellar cast (Seriously; everyone pulls their weight, just like in Thor), fun action sequences, and even a bit of humor. Yeah, Captain America gets hokey in spots, but that comes with the character. It’s even a little endearing.

If Avengers sucks, Captain America will be diminished. Which is a shame, since director Joe Johnston (The Wolfman, The Rocketeer) delivered a tightly paced, fun, but still emotionally rewarding movie. Yeah, it’s a little by-the-numbers as far as superhero movies go, but the cast elevates the script considerably. Evans sparks chemistry with just else everyone else in the cast, from his love interest Peggy to his enemy the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving, nerds’ go-to guy for anything dorky and intense). Another important difference is in how the movie switches up the superhero movie conventions. Steve doesn’t have Spider-man or Batman’s tortured psyches or Iron Man ‘n’ Thors’ issues with redemption. He just wants to do the right thing, and he won’t stop until he’s done his duty. In other movies, the superhero has to develop his personal code of ethics; Rodgers always knew where he stood even before he became Captain America. The character can be boiled down to a single line: “I don’t like bullies.”

I find that endearing, and while I take issues with the film’s ending (Not Johnston’s fault, but it still wastes some great opportunities to mine Marvel’s vaults), I still loved Captain America from start to finish.

Verdict: Seriously, give me an Invaders movie with Cap, Sub-Mariner, and the original Human Torch. Do it up.

Creepshow (1982)

Tagline: The most fun you’ll ever have BEING SCARED!

Curiosity: It’s a mash-up from Stephen King and George A. Romero (You might know him from a zombie movie or two or three).

Plot: Set up as a tribute to the horror comics of yesteryear, Creepshow opens on a little boy (King’s own son Joe, who now writes the pretty awesome Locke & Key series) getting yelled at by his dad (Tom Atkins, Night of the Creeps. He’s also one of several cast members to show up from The Fog) for reading trashy comics like, well, Creepshow. After Atkins throw out the first issue, the film jumps into a series of horror vignettes.

Thoughts: While it could never be considered a major work from any of the cast or crew, Creepshow is still a charming little horror movie. Compared to today’s standards, ’80s horror movies, or even just Romero’s work alone, it’s tame in the gore ‘n’ violence area. But King’s script crackles with humor, lending the film a lot of extra appeal. He also turns in a hilarious performance as a yokel who finds a meteor. Much has been written about King’s acting being subpar at best, embarrassing at worst, but I honestly thought his bug-eyed overacting actually suited the material. Plus, it’s Stephen freaking King. If the author of Carrie, Cujo, and The Eyes of the Dragon wants to ham it up, so be it.

Despite running two hours, Creepshow keeps moving at a fine pace, jumping from one macabre tale to the next. The strongest of the bunch is clearly “Something to Tide You Over,” in which Leslie Nielsen takes revenge on Ted Danson for stealing his wife. It comes right after King’s bit, so it’s a refreshing antidote to all the overacting. The two thespians strike a nice balance between drama and humor, which is exactly what the film overall set out to achieve. Of course, I’m fond of the closing skit, “They’re Creeping Up on You,” in which Romero’s good friend Tom Savini gets to cut loose some creepy effects.

Reflection: Honestly, I could see myself using this to ease my kids into the horror genre.

Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky (1991)

Tagline: It’s Evil Dead 2, Braindead, and The Matrix, times ten, turned up to 11!

Curiosity: Patch.com editor Sam Fran Scavuzzo loves this movie. That dude is dark. Also, one of the fights was a staple on The Daily Show during the increasingly distant Craig Kilborn period.

Plot: Set in the distant future (2001), Riki-Oh: The Story of Ricky tells the story of some guy named Ricky (Siu-Wong Fan) who is 1) awesome at kung-fu and 2) in prison for reasons no one understands. But as Ricky begins taking out crime lords one by one, it becomes clear why he’s really here: To kung-fu kick the opium market right in the nards.

Thoughts: There’s something about Riki-Oh that is so absurdly, graphically violent that it becomes hilarious. Horror movies have suffering through a terrible torture porn period, in which movies that lack substance glorify debasing the human form. None of those flicks, like the Saw franchise for example, matches Riki-Oh’s level of gore. The guy just wrecks people:

At just shy of 90 minutes in length, Story of Ricky manages to move along at a brisk pace. The fight scenes aren’t too great on a technical level and the storytelling is ho-hum, but the special effects, cheap as they appear at times, are hi-larious. It’s a little more straight faced than, say, Kung Fu Hustle, but it’s still an entertaining comedy as much as it is an action/martial arts flick.

Reflection: My fiancée and I had a cultural exchange this weekend featuring Tree of Life and Story of Ricky. I like my movie better.

Tree of Life (2011)

Tagline: OH HEY DINOSAURS!

Curiosity: The buzz has been good, Brad Pitt has shown excellent taste in projects recently, and my fiancée wanted to see it.

Plot: Tree of Life’s plot is almost beside the point, but here goes: Jack (Sean Penn) reflects on his past, specifically on his father and mother (Pitt and Jessica Chastain, who are more remarkable but whose characters are never named) and their different parenting techniques, as well as his brother who died at 19. The film is primarily made up of impressionistic snapshots from Jack’s youth.

ALSO DINOSAURS SHOW UP.

Thoughts: Oddly enough, Michelle and I developed an award after seeing another Pitt vehicle: The Assassination of Jesse James By the Coward Robert Ford inspired the “Most Beautiful Piece of Shit of the Year” award. Both films possess amazing cinematography, but lack compelling storytelling. In Assassination’s case, the film relied too much on narration (a tool of the lazy screenwriter) and long, uncomfortable, nearly homoerotic pauses between cowboys. Tree’s problem is that it doesn’t go anywhere.

Which is a shame, because while it’s an awfully slow movie, I was still really, really plugged in for the first 90 minutes or so. The film opens with some surreal, artsy scenes establishing the family’s dynamic. Then we get hit with a powerful series of shots as characters react to Jack’s brother dying. Then the film juxtaposes this very personal tragedy against all of existence, literally. We get shots of volcanoes erupting and planets forming and dinosaurs hanging out. And it looks darn good too. The dinos are CGI, but they look decent. Primarily, though, the special effects were handled Douglas Trumbull, who came out of retirement as a favor for director Terrence Malick.

What’s funny, to me at least, is that the universe stuff made me think of 2001: A Space Odyssey, which Trumbull just so happened to work on, as well as Blade Runner, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, and Star Trek: The Motion Picture. The guy comes from an older, better stock of special effects coordinators, and it shows. Tree of Life is an emotional film about family, but it packs some gorgeous sci-fi visuals along the way, proving while computers make filmmaking easier, they do not necessarily make them easier. Director of Cinematography Emmanuel Lubezki (who also did great work with films like Children of Men and, um, The Cat in the Hat) supplements these effects with a swirling cascade of shots that keep the viewer attached. Tree of Life is a marvel to look at, and proof that Hollywood needs to look backwards in order to move forwards.

But the script is sadly empty. Outside of Jack realizing he’s turning into a strict, bullish man just like his Navy-bred father, there’s little going on in terms of plot or character development. The movie never truly, definitively comments on the ideas it puts forth about life or death as concepts or as they apply to Jack’s brother and his passing’s impact on the family. Tree of Life had me for the first 90 minutes, but those final 50, where nothing happens, were a chore. While my fiancée and I certainly got a lot of mileage out of discussing the film and its meaning, it’s ultimately something I will never watch again.

Reflection: NEEDS MORE DINOSAURS PLEASE.

Thor (2011)

Tagline: Courage is immortal.

Curiosity: Overqualified cast and crew makes a wiz-bang comic book movie.

Plot: Thor (Chris Hemsworth, who I just realized rocked it in his one scene as Captain Kirk’s dad in the Star Trek reboot) is a totally ballin’ god of thunder. He’s got a sweet beard and everybody loves him. He’s about to take over as king of the magical land of Asgard from his father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins, who seems to have recovered nicely from The Wolfman), when a trio of Frost Giants infiltrate the palace. Frost Giants and Asgardians have an uneasy truce after a long way, and in response to this insubordination, Thor and his friends attack the Giants at home and nearly spark a second war until Odin intervenes. Infuriated with his son, Odin banishes Thor to Earth until he can learn how to not be such a knee-jerk asshole.

Then Jane (Natalie Portman) hits Thor with her car. Repeatedly.

Thoughts: Like the 2008 reboot The Incredible Hulk, Thor is about as good as it can be with a source material that I’m not particularly interested in. If anything, it’s superior to Hulk in that director Kenneth Branagh manages to take a way denser backstory and streamline it for mainstream audiences. Thor is several different movies. It’s a fantasy epic a la Lord of the Rings, with a dense mythology and a dash of psychedelic imagery. It’s also a comic book movie, with superpower and Marvel tie-ins. And when Hemsworth and Portman are left alone, it turns into Kate & Leopold.

But Branagh juggles all of these elements, never letting a single angle overwhelm the picture. The problem is that Thor at times comes off as manic and workmanline, jumping from action set pieces rapid fire while still shoehorning in human drama. It’s never boring, but it’s also never quite as fun Iron Man.

Still, the film gets a lot right. Like I wrote earlier, it takes a dense story and strips it to the essentials. Every character gets enough screen time for us to understand their importance and motivations [SPOILER: The lone exception is a new Marvel character that just kind of appears out of nowhere with little introduction. If I wasn’t familiar with Marvel comics, I’d probably be confused by such a high profile actor showing up for 10 seconds]. The film is heavy on fantasy without drowning the audience in explanation. And Kat Dennings shows up every few minutes with a spacey one-liner!

Thor isn’t quite an all-consuming blockbuster like Iron Man or The Dark Knight. But I suspect it will hold up on repeat viewings. I also have to say that Branagh found a worthy lead in Hemsworth. Dude strikes the right balance between bravado and ridiculous. He’s unafraid to go big with Thor, but he never tips over into melodrama. He also handles the bits of comedy Branagh slips in adeptly, so much so that my fiancee and I are still cracking up about those scenes a day later. I loved watching him gaze deeply into Stellan Skarsgård's eyes whilst drinking a shot/beer combo. I loved watching him pal around with Asgardian friends. I especially loved watching him get hit by Natalie Portman's car over and over. Also, that boy is cut. Yowza.

Side note #1: This movie does not need to be in 3-D.

Side note #2: The brouhaha about Norse gods being played by non-Nordic actors is stupid. Branagh cast this film based on skill, not skin tone, and it paid off.

Reflection: You know you’re fully in the Whole Foods cult when you can recognize random objects in the background like dish soap and know how good/bad they are for the environment.