Mega Piranha (2010)

Tagline: They were created to save mankind. Something went wrong.

Curiosity: My good friend Eric Crack was so excited for this made-for-TV movie that a party instantly formed around his anticipation. Cookies were served.

Plot: A group of scientists, led by Tiffany (of “I Think We’re Alone Now” fame), accidentally designs super piranhas that grow at an exponential rate. They also accidentally set them loose in Venezuela. AND pretty much er’rybody in South America hates them. Rough week. When the jumbo piranhas eat an important, meaty American diplomat, government guy Bob Grady (Greg Brady from The Brady Brunch! See what they did thar?) sends in well-muscled, badly dubbed Jason Fitch (Paul Logan, Komodo vs. Cobra) to take out these extra-large piranha.

But then they get mega-sized. And the Venezuelans are really, really angry about that.

Thoughts: Everything about Mega Piranha is amazing and I will fight you if you say otherwise. OK, actually, I’ll just mumble something under my breath next time I see you at the local market, but you get the point. Mega Piranha more or less knocks out all of its key plot points within its first 14 minutes – sans the ending obviously. That means that the next hour or so is filled to the brim with good ol’ piranha action. Sometimes Tiffany acts with aggressive hand gestures. Sometimes Greg Brady looks all old and Brady-ish. But mostly, CGI piranhas ate models and kids and it was awesome. At one point, Logan bicycle kicked a bunch of piranhas. This scene was so awesome that someone on this glorious series of tubes we call the Internet saw fit to loop it:

I am so stoked on being alive right now. Mega Piranha’s brisk pacing makes it an efficient action flick even if my friends and I enjoyed it more for its extremely cheesy flavor. The acting is ridiculous, the special effects are poor, and the fact that Greg Brady’s part amounts to little more than stunt casting kind of makes me question reality. But when those piranhas tear into nuclear submarines and overbearing mothers alike, it makes me feel so dang good.

Also Logan blows up a bad guy’s head with a flare gun at one point. How did that get on air?

Reflection: This is one of the best movies I’ve seen so far this year. I mean, A Single Man and Shutter Island are on my short list too and what-not, but man, I got sweet, sweet sci-fi action and cookies to boot.