Machete (2010)

Tagline: They just fucked with the wrong Mexican.

Curiosity: C’mon, Danny Trejo deserves it.

Plot: Machete (Trejo) is an ex-Federale slumming in the U.S. after the ruthless druglord Torrez (Steven Seagal) killed his family when he picks the wrong oddjob: Killing a U.S. senator. But when Michael Booth (Jeff Fahey, at his most gravelly) promises Machete $150,000 to assassinate Senator John McLaughlin (Robert De Niro, in his first good movie since, like, Heat) and end his anti-immigration hate speech, he can’t pass the opportunity up. Turns out he should’ve, though, since the offer was a set-up. With an army of friends, including cop Santana Rivera (Jessica Alba) and taco merchant/revolutionary Luz (Michelle Rodriguez), Machete sets out to claim revenge.

Thoughts: Machete is basically a testament to writer/co-director Robert Rodriguez’s love of Danny Trejo. He gives Trejo killer fight scenes, a starring role, and the chance to simulate sex with Jessica Alba, Lindsay Lohan, and Michelle Rodriguez. Of course, Trejo deserves it, having consistently turned in solid work over the last 25 years. Machete proves what Rodriguez knew all along: That Trejo could and should be the next Charles Bronson.

The film isn’t for everyone, and admittedly it’s a little flawed. It’s very much in the Grindhouse tradition, so if you didn’t come for gore, tits, and ridiculosity, then you might as well leave. And the cast is perhaps a bit overstuffed. Lohan and Tom Savini (You might remember him from m.f.-in’ Dawn of the Dead) are wasted here. Well, Savini is; Lohan is just a waste of time. Cheech Marin gets a great but brief role as Machete’s holy brother. Alba and Rodriguez are solid love interests/fighters. And the endless parade of villains is excellent. As exciting as it is to watch De Niro, Fahey, and Don Johnson play heavies, the real winner is Seagal, who embodies all the hamminess and awesomeness a good B movie needs. Machete is a little long at two hours, but it’s still a great action flick.

Reflection: Best Nash Bridges reunion ever.