Tango & Cash (1989)

Tagline: Two of L.A.'s top rival cops are going to have to work together... Even if it kills them.

Curiosity: Kurt Russell’s movies in the ’80s were feckin’ awesome.

Plot: Rivals Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Cash (Russell) are the two top cops in L.A.s, costing drug lords millions of dollars each year. Criminal mastermind Perret (Jack Palance) has big plans for them though: Frame them for murder and then ship ’em off to prison. But Perret wasn’t counting on Tango and Cash becoming partners, Odd Couple-style, and the duo soon breaks out and gets to bustin’ skulls.

Also Cash macks on Tango’s sister (Teri Hatcher), who is both a stripper and a drummer. The ’80s were weird.

Thoughts: Tango & Cash feels like it could have been an awesome ’80s cop show, if only because the script forces in so many angles while still being merely a good Lethal Weapon rip-off. As is, it doesn’t seem totally sure what it wants to be: A pre-CSI tech drama, a screwball comedy, a sexy sex party, or a rootin’, tootin’ action flick. I know the beauty of the buddy cop genre is that it can mash up a bunch of different styles, but T&C doesn’t develop any one particular idea, leaving me with plenty of questions, such as…

-Why does Teri Hatcher work a stripper who plays drums?

-How do Kurt Russell’s gun-boots work? If I had boots that shot bullets when I kicked, I would use them ALL OF THE TIME. Even in my sleep.

-What other kind of freaky deaky masochistic shit is Stallone into?

-What’s Jack Palance’s deal? With the mice? What’s up with that?

-Why do the characters speak almost exclusively in one-liners?

-How come no one notices that when Kurt Russell disguises himself in a dress, he still looks exactly like Kurt Russell in a dress? What is this, Looney Tunes?

T&C asks more questions than it answers. Still, I got my fill of Kurt Russell. Stallone gets stuck playing straight man most of the time, but Russell is, well, classic Russell: Cash is kind of insane and loud and passionate and he has fucking GUN-BOOTS.

Reflection: Holy shit, that's Robert Z'Dar from Soultaker!!