Trapped (2002)

Tagline: It was the perfect crime… until she refused to be the perfect victim.

Curiosity: Charlize Theron and Courtney Love are the top two billed stars.

Plot: The Jennings family is ridiculously cute. Will (Stuart Townsend) is a jet pilot AND a doctor! Karen (Theron) is wicked hot and appears in magazines and stuff! Abby (Dakota Fanning) is cute and precocious just like every Dakota Fanning role ever! Yep, things are pretty spiffy for the Jenningseseseseses.

Then Joe Hickey (Kevin Bacon) roles up with a gun, kidnaps Abby, and tells Karen tough shit. To her face! If Karen and Will are going to get Abby back, they’ll have to follow Joe’s 24-hour schedule… and pay up $250,0000! And let Joe diddle Karen private bits at some point!

Courtney Love rolls up at some point and looks pretty beat up.

Thoughts: Tonight my fiancé and I decided to watch a movie together. This is sometimes a difficult task on account of our divergent tastes. She wanted to watch Love and Other Drugs because it had acting. I wanted to watch Unstoppable because it had Denzel Washington and Chris Pine fighting a train. We saw The Illusionist last night. I’ve gotten my share of culture for the week.

Ah, but then we spied Trapped. We both like Charlie Theron. We both tolerate Courtney Love. And the thought of Theron beating the snot out of Kevin Bacon in the final quarter sounded promising. Not so.

Trapped consistently piles on scenarios to drag out its running time, with the kidnappers constantly bungling the job. The film reminds us constantly that they’ve ransomed four other kids prior to Abby, but offers little proof in terms of capability. Bacon and Love’s characters fail to properly research the family they’re attacking. Karen keeps coming up with ways to stop them (including holding Kevin Bacon’s wiener hostage!), only to smack her down so as to pad the film. A late period revelation about Joe similarly extends the story longer than it needs to go.

Speaking of padding the film, Townsend’s character is kind of superfluous. Theron does all the legwork. But he does get locked in a room with Love. Now that’s the real crime.

Reflection: This movie taught me that you can hide a scalpel in your butt.