Thor (2011)

Tagline: Courage is immortal.

Curiosity: Overqualified cast and crew makes a wiz-bang comic book movie.

Plot: Thor (Chris Hemsworth, who I just realized rocked it in his one scene as Captain Kirk’s dad in the Star Trek reboot) is a totally ballin’ god of thunder. He’s got a sweet beard and everybody loves him. He’s about to take over as king of the magical land of Asgard from his father, Odin (Anthony Hopkins, who seems to have recovered nicely from The Wolfman), when a trio of Frost Giants infiltrate the palace. Frost Giants and Asgardians have an uneasy truce after a long way, and in response to this insubordination, Thor and his friends attack the Giants at home and nearly spark a second war until Odin intervenes. Infuriated with his son, Odin banishes Thor to Earth until he can learn how to not be such a knee-jerk asshole.

Then Jane (Natalie Portman) hits Thor with her car. Repeatedly.

Thoughts: Like the 2008 reboot The Incredible Hulk, Thor is about as good as it can be with a source material that I’m not particularly interested in. If anything, it’s superior to Hulk in that director Kenneth Branagh manages to take a way denser backstory and streamline it for mainstream audiences. Thor is several different movies. It’s a fantasy epic a la Lord of the Rings, with a dense mythology and a dash of psychedelic imagery. It’s also a comic book movie, with superpower and Marvel tie-ins. And when Hemsworth and Portman are left alone, it turns into Kate & Leopold.

But Branagh juggles all of these elements, never letting a single angle overwhelm the picture. The problem is that Thor at times comes off as manic and workmanline, jumping from action set pieces rapid fire while still shoehorning in human drama. It’s never boring, but it’s also never quite as fun Iron Man.

Still, the film gets a lot right. Like I wrote earlier, it takes a dense story and strips it to the essentials. Every character gets enough screen time for us to understand their importance and motivations [SPOILER: The lone exception is a new Marvel character that just kind of appears out of nowhere with little introduction. If I wasn’t familiar with Marvel comics, I’d probably be confused by such a high profile actor showing up for 10 seconds]. The film is heavy on fantasy without drowning the audience in explanation. And Kat Dennings shows up every few minutes with a spacey one-liner!

Thor isn’t quite an all-consuming blockbuster like Iron Man or The Dark Knight. But I suspect it will hold up on repeat viewings. I also have to say that Branagh found a worthy lead in Hemsworth. Dude strikes the right balance between bravado and ridiculous. He’s unafraid to go big with Thor, but he never tips over into melodrama. He also handles the bits of comedy Branagh slips in adeptly, so much so that my fiancee and I are still cracking up about those scenes a day later. I loved watching him gaze deeply into Stellan Skarsgård's eyes whilst drinking a shot/beer combo. I loved watching him pal around with Asgardian friends. I especially loved watching him get hit by Natalie Portman's car over and over. Also, that boy is cut. Yowza.

Side note #1: This movie does not need to be in 3-D.

Side note #2: The brouhaha about Norse gods being played by non-Nordic actors is stupid. Branagh cast this film based on skill, not skin tone, and it paid off.

Reflection: You know you’re fully in the Whole Foods cult when you can recognize random objects in the background like dish soap and know how good/bad they are for the environment.

Alien vs Ninja (2011)

Tagline: Hundreds of years ago… They fought back!

Curiosity: It’s got Aliens versing Ninjas!

Plot: A group of Inga ninjas are returning from a successful round of ninja-ing when they see a fireball rip through the sky. When they go to investigate, they encounter aliens! Fighting occurs. The ninja’s leader, Yamata (Masanori Mimoto), is determined to take the creatures down, doubly so when they kidnap his best friend (Shûji Kashiwabara).

Also there’s a lady ninja named Ren (Mika Hijii) and she gives lots of fan service.

Thoughts: Overall, I’m pleased as punch about my purchase of Alien vs Ninja. But man, that first half hour was just torture. Writer/director Seiji Chiba intended the film as a sci-fi/horror/comedy mash-up, and the initial 30 minutes rely way too heavily on stupid slapstick. The comedic foil (Ben Hiura) is so grating the way he brays and mugs. It’s very Japanese, I’ll put it that way, so expect lady-boys, screaming, slapping, and fan service. Lots of fan service. There’s a lot of dialogue and set-up in the beginning as well, and for a while I thought Alien vs Ninja might not have the budget to pull off its hilariously great idea.

But then things take off. Chiba himself said he wanted to take Ridley Scott’s Alien and present a more Japanese interpretation, so he opted to include ninjas because ninjas are cool. He realized the concept was goofy, though, so the film quickly took a self-aware sense of humor. The actually comedic bits fail hard, but the lack of restraint results in some stupid/awesome fight scenes. AvN actually does a nice job balancing CGI, wire work, and fight choreography. It’s not the best looking sci-fi flick out there, but it hides its budget well enough. It also doesn’t shy way from violence or gore. Interestingly, this Alien homage comes off more like a Predator rip – elite fighters in the woods do battle with an extraterrestrial adversary. While it ultimately comes off like an anime, that plays to the movie’s strengths.

Reflection: The creatures look like Alien meets Evangelion meets dolphins.

Eat Pray Love (2010)

[SNC is proud to present its first guest contribution, from none other than the inspiration for this very blog, my fiancee Michelle. Turns out she watches shitty movies too. This review makes me love The Expendables even more.]

Tagline: Let Yourself GO

Curiosity: During the two weeks I was home dying with some awful virus, my dad encouraged my mom and I to watch this movie for free On Demand. The 133 minutes just seemed too much to bear. As I got healthier, I kept thinking “I like watching movies with my mom,” “I like Julia Roberts...still,” and “someone I really respect told me this was a great book.” Oh, and I really wanted to see the shots of Italy.

Plot: A privileged white lady (Julia Roberts) living in a gorgeous house with a successful career as a writer (I know, right) realizes she doesn’t love her first of at least two husbands and the normal path of life (getting married and having babies) isn’t working for her. So, she lets hubby know how she’s feeling after attempting to pray...and then, starts banging this young, super lame, pseudophilosophical hottie (James Franco) moments after her divorce. (Score.) White lady/Liz Gilbert also is unhappy with said hottie, so she tells her BFF (who is the only lady who seems to have some sense aside from the cute Swedish blonde later) that she’s going on a yearlong journey to Italy, India, and Bali. The purpose of this journey is to find herself and change her life for the better, and the people she meets on the journey help her do so...?

[SPOILER: She’s still the same at the end, and ends up with another dude after trying to be alone.]

Thoughts: This painful telling of a woman finding herself made me do nothing but cringe and laugh. The protagonist comes off as a mysteriously wealthy, self-centered, leach in this trite tale. Her white people problems of not reaching self-actualization when you have all the means to are not unique. Though the basic plot should be one that millions of women can relate to and I, myself, should definitely be able to relate to, I could not care about Liz no matter how hard I tried. Her suffering is a suffering I’ve felt but would never call suffering; I’d call it life. And it is portrayed so lamely, that even though I typically have compassion and empathy just oozing out of me and I get paid to do so, it was nowhere to be found. I don’t know how her BFF, the aforementioned one with sense, whom had this great piece of dialogue at one point - “Liz, having a kid is kinda like getting a tattoo on your face. You should be certain it’s what you want” - put up with her.

The scenery of Italy was beautiful, and the friends Liz met there were sweet, even bordering on real for a few moments. I did like Liz’s philosophy on eating pizza and 40 lbs. worth of other Italian food: stop worrying about muffintops and enjoy, a man has never thrown you out of his bedroom after seeing you naked. And the scenes did make me hungry. I also liked when the little old Italian lady Liz rents from implies that all American women are foodies and tramps.

Next up was India: this was the most painful stretch of the movie. At times, I zoned out. I peed three times. I really wanted to slap Richard from Texas (Richard Jenkins). He was an obnoxious, know-it-all, whom is in recovery after almost killing his kid many years back and, again, we’re supposed to care about his problems and find him likable as he espouses bumper sticker wisdom to us. (I think Liz even calls it that at some point.) Liz also develops a relationship with a 17-year-old with a pre-arranged marriage; she can’t even have a reciprocal relationship with this poor adolescent, though, because she is thinking of her own wedding. SHE IS ALWAYS THINKING OF HERSELF AND HER PROBLEMS. Then, Liz goes to Bali, gets drunk and laughs too much at a naked guy, falls in love with Javier Bardem/Felipe, freaks out about falling in love/control of life, gets a bladder infection (so relatable!), AND decides to cruise the ocean with Felipe thus “letting go” because a toothless, wise, practically incomprehensible, guru tells Julia the whole lesson is LIFE IS CRAZY. (Suck it up, people.)

Reflection: If they hadn’t thrown in the plotline where Liz helps a mother and daughter by getting them 18,000 American dollars to put towards a home, I could honestly say this woman had no redeemable qualities. Since they did throw that in there, I just have to say I wasted what felt like 4 hours watching a film I will always call White Lady Problems. Also, I am hungry for pasta.

Paul (2011)

Tagline: Who’s up for a close encounter?

Curiosity: My beloved BFFs Simon Pegg and Nick Frost are back! And they’re working with American laughmeisters like Seth Rogen, Jason Bateman, Kristen Wiig, Bill Hader, and Joe Lo Truglio.

Plot: Now that they’ve finally made it to America for Comic-Con, English sci-fi nerds Graeme (Pegg) and Clive (Frost) decide to celebrate by taking a tour of the country’s most famous UFO hotspots. Things quickly go awry, though. First they piss off some local rednecks (David Koechner, some other guy).

THEN THEY MEET A FRICKIN’ ALIEN NAMED PAUL (Rogen).

After befriending the eponymous Paul, Graeme and Clive decide to help him get back home, befriending the uber-Christian Ruth (Wiig) along the way.

Thoughts: I liked Paul. It’s not as consistently funny as Pegg’s most revered works (Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, Hot Fuzz), but it has a sweetness to it that compensates. The film is a love letter to science fiction, and Steven Spielberg in particular. Much like Pegg’s best work, Paul is stuffed with references to sci-fi’s finest moments.

That said, it drags a little in the middle. Wiig’s love interest Ruth doesn’t feel like a fully formed person. Her character ignites a debate about creationism versus science, which by association questions the existence of a God, but the movie can’t comfortably slip in such a Big Issue^TM comfortably. Paul stalls for a moment, but then picks back up once Ruth drops it.

Director Greg Mottola won me over with Adventureland, but I found myself constantly comparing him to Pegg and Frost’s good buddy Edgar Wright, who helmed that holy trinity of British comedy listed above. The film looks good overall and Paul looks great, but part of me wanted to see Wright’s take on the material, if only because I find his cinematography to be a little more compelling. Hot Fuzz had some amazing establishing shots and action scenes. Pegg and Frost have called Paul a tribute to America in addition to sci-fi, but Mottola doesn’t really do much with his sets. I didn’t get much American sentiment out of the film besides A) rednecks are c-c-c-crazy and violent and B) we totally have the best nerd culture.

Still, Paul is a nice balance between Pegg’s nerd love and Rogen’s crass druggy humor. It’s a little more dependent on familiarity with its references than Pegg’s other works (Hot Fuzz, for example, is a legitimately good buddy picture. It helps to be aware of Bad Boys II and Point Break, but it’s not essential), but the film covers such a great swath of sci-fi. It’s a cult movie for a quite sizeable cult.

Reflection: Blythe Danner is in this movie for like five minutes and she gets the two best jokes.

The Quiet Man (1952)

Tagline: Action...Excitement...Romance...Fill the Screen!

Curiosity: Irishmen engage in the longest fight scene committed to film (at the time).

Plot: Having retired from boxing after accidentally killing an opponent in the ring, wealthy Irish-American Sean Thornton (John Wayne) returns to his homeland in search of solace. He almost gets it when he marries the beautiful Mary Kate Danaher (Maureen O’Hara), until her brother Will (Victor McLaglen) refuses to pay her dowry. Determined to never fight again, Sean loses Mary Kate’s respect, throwing their sexy, sexy Irish marriage into jeopardy.

Will Will stop being such a dick? Will Sean kick his ass and/or get laid? Are any of these characters sober?

Thoughts: For St. Patrick’s Day, my fiancé and I decided to down some Smithwick’s and watch The Quiet Man. And eat pizza. Because pizza is awesome. The Quiet Man is awesome too.

I have some reservations about celebrating it for this blog, since the movie actually won two Oscars, but c’mon. Anyone who’s seen The Quiet Man will tell you that part of its charm comes from it being about barely functioning alcoholics with anger issues. Barely any of these characters have jobs. They just drink and argue six days a week (On the seventh day they go to mass). Shit, Wayne and O’Hara barely belong together – Mary Kate is batshit insane, freaking out with little provocation, while Sean tends to kick the crap out of her a lot, culminating in him dragging her five miles on foot. This is like a drunken Irish version of Taming of the Shrew. It does quiet her down, though.

Of course, it helps that John Ford was such a brilliant director. He and cinematographers Winton C. Hoch and Archie Stout won awards for their cinematography, and deservedly so. The Quiet Man explodes with bright colors, from the costumes to the sets to Maureen O’Hara’s gorgeous red hair. Watching O’Hara and Wayne court along Irish farmland is some of the most beautiful footage I’ve ever seen.

The Quiet Man is love letter to Ireland. Its characters are eccentric and inebriated, but dang it if they aren’t appealing too.

Reflection: John Wayne dragged Maureen O’Hara through sheep shit. Now that’s realism.

Ong Bak 3 (2011)

Tagline: Do that thing where you knee people in the face.

Curiosity: It’s the thrilling conclusion to the mighty Ong Bak 2.

Plot: Ong Bak 3 picks up where 2 left off, with Tien (Tony Jaa) getting carted off by Lord Rajasena’s (Sarunyu Wongkrajang) men. Rajasena has his bones broken and is about to Tien put to death when he escapes. While Tien heals, Rajasena has strange dreams about an usurper to the throne, eventually made manifest by an even badder bad guy named Demon Crow (Dan Chupong). DC kills just about everybody he comes in contact with. Meanwhile, Tien studies dance and grows a beard.

Thoughts: Considering the sequels have next to nothing to do with the original, Ong Bak would’ve been a questionable trilogy anyway. But at least the first two installments were solid throughout. 3 mucks up the plot considerably, to the point the film drags despite running only 95 minutes.

But here’s the thing: 3 gets a lot of stuff right. It shows Tien’s evolution as a fighter while wrapping up his personal growth from 2. It also slips in some Buddhist philosophy. Those scenes are slow too, but in a good way that should appeal to martial arts fans. But when those bits get mixed in muddled storytelling, the film falters. 3 introduces fantasy elements via the magical Demon Crow, but he jars with the film’s previous set tone of realism and attracts some lackluster special effects. The fight scenes are great; the CGI is not.

I have to believe that some elements were lost in translation, but the plot points of 3 comes off as uneven. Characters’ deaths are often underlit and barely remarked on. For a while, I forgot that I love Tony Jaa.

But the movie is nicely bookended by nice action sequences, and the final 20 minutes are just amazing. Though slightly tainted by bad CGI, 3 delivers some of Jaa’s most intricate stuntwork yet, with a whole slew of humans and elephants fighting all at once. It’s also some of Jaa’s most brutal choreography yet. While it’s a little disappointing coming after 2’s surprising emotional depth, Ong Bak 3 should still satisfy many a Jaa fan until the inevitable Ong Bak 4.

Reflection: I’m getting old. I had to break this movie up into three installments because I kept falling asleep around midnight.

Trapped (2002)

Tagline: It was the perfect crime… until she refused to be the perfect victim.

Curiosity: Charlize Theron and Courtney Love are the top two billed stars.

Plot: The Jennings family is ridiculously cute. Will (Stuart Townsend) is a jet pilot AND a doctor! Karen (Theron) is wicked hot and appears in magazines and stuff! Abby (Dakota Fanning) is cute and precocious just like every Dakota Fanning role ever! Yep, things are pretty spiffy for the Jenningseseseseses.

Then Joe Hickey (Kevin Bacon) roles up with a gun, kidnaps Abby, and tells Karen tough shit. To her face! If Karen and Will are going to get Abby back, they’ll have to follow Joe’s 24-hour schedule… and pay up $250,0000! And let Joe diddle Karen private bits at some point!

Courtney Love rolls up at some point and looks pretty beat up.

Thoughts: Tonight my fiancé and I decided to watch a movie together. This is sometimes a difficult task on account of our divergent tastes. She wanted to watch Love and Other Drugs because it had acting. I wanted to watch Unstoppable because it had Denzel Washington and Chris Pine fighting a train. We saw The Illusionist last night. I’ve gotten my share of culture for the week.

Ah, but then we spied Trapped. We both like Charlie Theron. We both tolerate Courtney Love. And the thought of Theron beating the snot out of Kevin Bacon in the final quarter sounded promising. Not so.

Trapped consistently piles on scenarios to drag out its running time, with the kidnappers constantly bungling the job. The film reminds us constantly that they’ve ransomed four other kids prior to Abby, but offers little proof in terms of capability. Bacon and Love’s characters fail to properly research the family they’re attacking. Karen keeps coming up with ways to stop them (including holding Kevin Bacon’s wiener hostage!), only to smack her down so as to pad the film. A late period revelation about Joe similarly extends the story longer than it needs to go.

Speaking of padding the film, Townsend’s character is kind of superfluous. Theron does all the legwork. But he does get locked in a room with Love. Now that’s the real crime.

Reflection: This movie taught me that you can hide a scalpel in your butt.