Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)

Tag line: Revenge is coming. OH SNAP!

Curiosity: Optimus Prime rules!

Thoughts: Depending on your perspective, Michael Bay’s Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen is either a thinly veiled racist shot at black culture, or a totally awesome action movie with some really boring racist/sexist jokes. Either you’re going to be repulsed by the sight of ebonic-speaking, illiterate robots (with gold teeth!), or you’re going to be bored until Optimus Prime shows up to rip Decepticons’ faces off. I fall into the latter camp.

With this sequel, Bay remakes his original Transformers movie (Shia LaBeouf has important robo-knowledge! The Decepticons want it!), but with several improvements: More robots, more explosions, more Optimus, fewer humans. The original, while still a solid sampling of brainless entertainment, was too weighed down by non-robots. John Voight, John Turturro, that guy from Law & Order, and that Australian chick had way too much expository dialogue. At least Bernie Mac had the good sense to make with the funny and then get the hell out of the Transformers’ way. Fallen makes the wise decision of recycling a tried ‘n’ true plot but shedding some of the cast. Josh Duhamel and Tyrese Gibson return as oh-so-cute bickering Marines, the Witwicky clan is back, and Megan Fox reprises her role as a stunted sex object (CREEPY FACT: The first shot of Fox’s rear end scored an ovation from the crowd at my screening). Turturro returns as a comedic foil, and generally succeeds.

With fewer faces, Fallen makes room for more Transformers, with a new villain and a host of new old Autobots. None of them get much dialogue, but Sideswipe has an impressive battle early on while Jetfire proves integral to the plot. Otherwise, the film builds on previous characters. Megatron and Starscream’s relationship is gleefully expanded on, while Bumblebee has some incredible fight scenes. Ironhide continues to be cranky. Fallen has a better sense of pacing and angles. The original’s frenetic camera style made the transformers a blurred mess, but the sequel gives viewers plenty of scope, as well as some succulent slow-motion hits.

The real star, though, is Prime. By including him from the start, Fallen allows Prime to feature into nearly every fight scene, and he’s always the best part. Dude jumps out of helicopters, throws down judo, wields dual blades, and does some other cool spoiler-y things that I don’t want to ruin. Voice actor Peter Cullen gets all the best lines, and his delivery is consistently the most evocative. The sooner Bay drops human characters altogether, the better.

It is because of Prime (and, to a lesser extent, the other non-racial caricature Transformers) that Fallen succeeds as a sci-fi/action movie. There’s still plenty to hate about it, though. Mrs. Whitwicky is hyperactively unfunny, especially when she “accicentally” ingests pot brownies. The dick ‘n’ farts jokes are absurdly plentiful, especially in the humping department. Fox even gets humped by a mini-transformer named Wheelie (no relation, thankfully, to the cartoon character). The film’s early middle portion, in which LeBeouf goes off to college, makes for a painfully shitty half-hour or so with its party-all-the-time clichés and Bad Boys II references (I guess Martin Lawrence could use the money?).

Reflection: The one truly deplorable aspect of the movie is Reno Wilson as Mudflap and Tom Kenny as Skids, the pair of bumbling blackfaced bots. Granted, Wilson is black, but the stereotypes Bay tries to dig up are awkwardly unfunny. I’m especially disappointed in Kenny. He’s built a comic legacy of sorts with roles in Spongebob Squarepants and Mr. Show; there’s no way he needed to do this minstrel bit. It retroactively makes Jazz’s jive talk from the first film subtle. My sole consolation is that the same audience that cheered Fox’s ass didn’t laugh a single time at the film’s black jokes.

But then Optimus Prime rolls out and makes me feel like a kid again, returning my childhood’s innocence with his cold, mechanical hands of death. Hopefully, the third Transformers flick will drop the racial stereotypes and focus on what fans really want: Autobots fighting Decepticons, got-dammit.

Robot Holocaust (1986)

Tag line: “The last city still stood. The remaining home of what was left of the civilization of New Terra. The society had been all but destroyed by the Robot Rebellion of ’33. When the Robots had turned on their masters by the billions, the ensuing chaos led to a radiation spill, far more deadly than any nuclear warfare. The world had been brought to its knees by the…ROBOT HOLOCAUST.”

Curiosity: It was on OnDemand under the Free Movies section. And look at that name!

Thoughts: Given that it’s a cheap-looking 1986 sci-fi flick about a future robotic revolution, you’d think Robot Holocaust would be just a Terminator rip-off. Oddly enough, the films it calls more to mind are the Conan movies and The Matrix, which was still 13 years away. Set in a post-apocalyptic New York City (“after the robot rebellion of ’33”), which consists of one abandoned factory and lots of exterior shots of ’86 NYC from Jersey’s side of the river, the film focuses on a hero named Neo. See, the robots, of which there are like four, maybe five, force humanity to provide them with energy (like in The Matrix). Humans, or “air slaves,” are severely compromised by poisoned air (like in The Matrix). However, Neo is immune to the robots’ powers (like in The Matrix). And he’s gonna save us all with a rag-tag team of renegades (like in The Matrix) and a big honkin’ sword (wait, what?).

While Robot Holocaust’s plot points are disappointingly similar to those of The Matrix – is there anything about the Wachowski Brothers that doesn’t suck? – the film breaks away by avoiding technology at any cost. One would think this would be hard, since it’s a movie about robots committing holocausts, but the writer/director Tim Kincaid pulls it off by showing anything but. Neo kills a lot of the film’s 79-minute running time by fighting sock puppets, feminist barbarians, mutated humans, and off-screen giant spiders instead of robots. Aside from one bad guy and Neo’s robot sidekick, Klyton, no one has a frickin’ laser cannon. Also, one quarter of Robot Holocaust’s robots are good. I guess Klyton is the film’s Schindler. Almost everyone uses a sword.

Another boon/bane of the film is its frequent reliance on off-screen action. When a character is captured by the Beast of the Web, we only see one giant spider leg, which Neo stabs a bunch of times. The main villain, Dark One, is never shown. He dies off-screen. He intimidates a character off-screen, leading to about five minutes of reaction shots. And he threatens the bejeebits outta his servant, Valeria, off-screen for the entire movie.

Speaking of Valeria, she’s the best/worst part of the movie. Actress Angelika Jager has the most lines and arguably the least amount of talent in the cast. Favorite quotes include “Perhaps it is time for you to see you what awaits you” and “Do you think you can save you drawer [daughter]?” The film clearly didn’t have enough money for second takes, as most of the budget had to have gone into the Pleasure Machine scene. Dark One rewards his servants with trips to this machine, which causes them to see dry ice, Christmas lights, and naked people. So it goes.

Reflection: Robot Holocaust is clunky, dimly lit, and poorly acted. About 90 percent of the film is clearly shot in the same factory, with only minor props varying per scene. It has a certain “home movie” feel because of these qualities. Each scene felt increasingly crafted on the fly, as if thrown together after charging a couple hundred bucks at an arts and crafts store. The film’s understanding of science is laughable; its clunky pacing even better. But Valeria and the copious reaction shots… these are what I savored as I (admittedly) got drunker on Yuengling at 1 a.m. It’s no wonder this turned up on an early episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000.

mission statement.

As my job search continues to yield FUCKING NOTHING GOD DAMN YOU, I decided to start a movie/TV blog. Saturday Night Crap-o-rama is going to highlight all the crap my girlfriend wishes I didn't watch. I blame it on my inability to take life completely seriously, coupled with a fond childhood spent watching bad sci-fi and Mystery Science Theater 3000. Speaking of which, my first "real" entry, Robot Holocaust, was MSTied back in the day.