Alice in Wonderland (2010)

Tagline: You’ve got a very important date.

Curiosity: My special lady friend wanted to see it. And OK, I’m still interested in Tim Burton’s work, even if I can count the number of his films I’ve enjoyed on one hand (Big Fish, Pee-Wee’s Big Adventure, Edward Scissorhands, and Beetlejuice. No, I haven’t seen Ed Wood, and no, The Nightmare Before Christmas doesn’t count. Shit belongs to Henry Selick).

Plot: Set as a pseudo-sequel to Lewis Carroll’s book, the now-teenage Alice (Mia Wasikowska) has grown up with an underappreciated intelligence and dry sense of humor. When an unwanted suitor (The Fall’s mo-fuckin’ Leo Bill!) asks for her hand in marriage, she opts to fall down a rabbit hole into Underland instead (turns out she fucked up when she called it Wonderland. TWIST!). There, she goes through some Lord of the Rings shit and keeps almost making out with the Mad Hatter (Johnny Depp), which is gross and weird and wrong and bad and wrong and bad and wrong and bad and…

Thoughts: My girl and I caught the film in 3-D, which was exciting for, I dunno, 15 minutes or so? Alice in Wonderland further proves in my mind the limits of CGI. See, the part where Alice is in England looks absolutely amazing, and it’s not even meant to look that stunning. Sure, she goes to a sweet party, but the eye candy is clearly meant to be Underland. Yet it’s England that served me eye-popping visuals. The 3-D image was crisp and beautiful But once Alice enters Greenscreenland, things get clunky. Some of the backgrounds look good enough, but there are some major quality control issues from scene to scene in terms of motion and proportions.

Indiana Jones and the Crystal Shit remains in my mind as the height of lazy CGI filmmaking (Who CGIs boxes?!), but Alice comes close – Crispin Glover’s height is digitally enhanced to make him taller and lankier. This does not always look right, which begs the question… why not just cast someone taller? It’s like Glover had that many lines anyway; surely it would have been cheaper to cast an unknown. I get some of the digital choices, like increasing Helena Bonham Carter’s head size to insane dimensions, but most of them seem unnecessary.

The same could be said for most of the characters. Alice doesn’t really try to justify reusing any of the Carroll’s classic characters, save for maybe the Mad Hatter. The Cheshire Cat exists solely as a deus ex machina several times over; Tweedledee, Tweedledum, the Hare, and others get even less than that.

The first half of the film feels rushes as it tries to trot out as many familiar characters as possible. Yet the second half drags on and on and on. Alice is now the Chose One who can save Underland, and man does it take her a long-ass time to work up the nerve to embrace her destiny or whatever. I can’t believe we paid $25 for this crap.

Reflection: No seriously, why the fuck would you give the Mad Hatter and Alice sexual chemistry? And then you have the nerve to make me sit through this closing song:

Pinocchio's Revenge (1996)

Tagline: Evil comes with strings attached.

Curiosity: Look at the title, man!

Plot: Unrelentingly awful attorney/mother Jennifer Garrick (Rosalind Garrick, Seaquest DSV) is trying to spare her client Vincent Gotto (Lewis Van Bergen) from the death penalty and fails pretty hard at it. Her defense rests on the argument that Gotto totally didn’t commit all those murders, even though he, uh, confessed to them and there’s evidence against him and the killing spree ended after he was arrested. After Gotto gets the electric chair, Jennifer takes evidence from his case home. Among the objects in the crime file is a wooden Pinocchio marionette.

MEANWHILE…

Jennifer’s daughter Zoe (Brittany Smith) is a crazy-crazy who bites peoples’ ears off in schoolyard fights. When she sees Pinocchio at her birthday party, she assumes she gets to keep them because she is an entitled lil jerk. For serious. Chick is a hair away from straight up murderizing the town.

PINOCCHIO IS THAT HAIR THAT DOES THAT THING.

Thoughts: Holy slow pacing. Pinocchio’s Revenge is kind of a misnomer, since Pinocchio never really claims revenge on anyone. Sure, he finally starts killin’… like an hour into the film’s 96-minute running time. And this movie isn’t slow in, say, a House of the Devil way. Revenge never bothers with flavor or good characters or humor. Rather, it runs out the clock as much as it can. Here’s Jennifer having sex with her boyfriend while Zoe listens. Here’s Jennifer having another inane argument about Gotto’s innocence. Here 76 different angles of Pinocchio’s frumpy face.

All of this is a shame, since buried deep, deep within this shit is a funny movie. Pinocchio purposefully sounds like the Disney version, which is funny. Even better is a sequence where Zoe tries to kill a student she hates. This other girl is joyfully riding her bike into a moving bus (suicide wish?) when *bam!* Zoe sticks a rake in her spokes and she goes right under the bus wheels.

Sadly, the film lacks the cajones needed to actually kill off any kid characters, which keeps the body count awfully low (Two. Three if you count Gotto getting executed). Same goes for my satisfaction. What a drag.

Reflection: Zoe was probably going to kill somebody before she got a murder doll.

ALSO you'll notice that in the above trailer, Pinocchio's voice has been changed. Was that an attempt to dodge Disney's wrath?

Better Off Dead (1985)

Tagline: Insanity doesn’t run in the family, it gallops.

Curiosity: It used to be a Comedy Central staple in my youth, although I’ve never seen the original version until now.

Plot: Lane (John Cusack) is kind of batshit insane. After his girlfriend Beth (Amanda Wyss, Nightmare on Elm Street) dumps him, he keeps attempting suicide. When he’s not trying to kill himself, he becomes increasingly absorbed realities of his own making. When in these states, he loses track of objects around him, causing fires and car collisions. But if he could just totally learn how to ski the K-12, Beth would maybe take him back, right? His pals Charles (Curtis “Booger” Armstrong) and Monique (Diane Franklin) are in his corner. Now if only he could believe… in himself.

Thoughts: I think I might have to file Better Off Dead in the “Lost Youth” category. That’s a special place reserved for films that I loved as a younger version of me, but kind of think are crappy now that I am a mature manly man, the kind that pronounces mature “muh-tour” and sticks his pinky out while daintily (FUCKIN’ DAINTILY!) sipping on beverages. Dead has a few things working against it, like the slapstick premise it brings to such dark topics as suicide and sexual assault. It doesn’t handle suicide with quite the finesse of Heathers, which was still a few years away, and the silliness presented makes it hard to believe. I enjoy the lighthearted elements – Lane’s mom (Kim Darby) uses insane cooking techniques, Johnny the newspaper boy (Demian Slade) and his assassin-like techniques have since been immortalized by the Bouncing Souls – but they clash too much with any attempts at black humor.

Also, I gotta say, I prefer the TV edit overall. Comedy Central excised some bits that don’t work that well from their broadcast, and I really could have done without Cusack mugging it up for a Frankenstein parody.

And yet… there are so many good quotes:

Reflection: Who knew boiling bacon turned it green?

The Fog (1980)

Tagline: What you can’t see won’t hurt you… it’ll kill you!

Curiosity: It’s the black sheep in between filmmaker John Carpenter’s more critically and commercially successful films Halloween and Escape From New York.

Plot: The residents of Antonio Bay, Calif. are preparing for their town’s centennial. However, Father Malone (Hal Holbrook) soon discovers that the town was built… ON MURDER. Turns out settlers robbed and murdered a leper colony a hundred years ago, and now the victims’ ghosts are back for revenge. They come dressed all in black and shrouded in fog. It’s up to Malone, along with help from other survivors, to figure out how to appease these angry spirits.

Thoughts: Per Carpenter’s own words, The Fog is a “minor horror classic.” It came out just as gory slasher films rose to prominence, so the scares feel somewhat quaint compared to films of the time like Friday the 13th, let alone torture porn films being made today. While Carpenter was still a few years away from revolutionizing the horror/sci-fi genre with The Thing, though, The Fog still holds up as one of his stronger films, a welcome opening installment for his excellent ’80s filmography.

Part of what hooks me into the film is the craft over the jolts. The Fog was conceived as a throwback ghost story, which it is, but I view it as a strong example of how filmmaking used to work. While the plot is slight, the overall presentation is solid. The fog itself is a character in the film, a harbinger of death, and it moves fluidly. Pre-CGI, Carpenter and his crew had to rely on a vast array of tricks to achieve the fog’s movements. Some scenes were played backwards or at varying speeds. Different consistencies of fog were utilized. And, uh, fans. Lots and lots of fans. So while the story is average, the presentation, for me at least, compensates.

I feel as if we’ve hit a crossroads in special effects, as ’80s movies continue to look better and better to me, while newer techniques used in the ’90s and ’00s age at a rapid rate. The Fog will always look realistic, because they used real fog. The same cannot be said for the 2005 remake, a critically reviled turd that made some bank opening weekend and then disappeared.

Reflection: Oh hey, and Halloween star Jamie Lee Curtis returned! And she brought her mom! And there’s Night of the Creeps star Tom Atkins!

Coffy (1973)

Tagline: No one sleeps when they mess with Coffy!

Curiosity: I’m a fan of Foxy Brown. On that film’s commentary track, director Jack Hill pushed Coffy as the superior film.

Plot: Nurse by day, avenging angel by night, Coffy (Pam Grier) is out to pull down drug dealers’ Los Angeles underworld after her 11-year-old sister (Karen Williams) gets hooked on heroin. Posing as a prostitute, she applies 100 ccs of SHOTGUN TO THE FACE in an attempt to clean up the streets. But when it turns out someone she knows is helping keep drugs on the streets, Coffy is going to have to change her aim…

Thoughts: I can see why Hill would prefer Coffy. Foxy Brown was originally intended as a sequel to Coffy before Hill lost the film rights, and both films share the same formula. Grier’s character pretends to be a hooker in order to infiltrate drug-dealing crime organizations, she seduces a shit-ton of white guys, and she violently castrates somebody. But where Coffy is pretty violent and angry, Foxy often gets silly, with broader white stereotypes and ludicrous twists (Plastic surgery for witness protection! Chopping up bad guys with airplane propellers!). I give the slight edge to Foxy, because I saw it first, but Coffy is still a sweet movie.

Grier is fierce as always, although the film reveals one pivotal flaw in her acting: She sucks at accents. She pretends to be Jamaican when she first applies to be a hooker for pimp King George (Robert DoQui, side note – his theme song is a smooth soul tune that just repeats his name over and over. Sweet deal). I see now why Hill dropped accents when Grier essentially repeats the same dialogue for Foxy.

Yet there’s so much going for Coffy. Grier is beautiful and smacks the shit out of hookers on a regular basis. She hides weapons in her afro constantly (a trick I’ve used once or twice myself, although I do it more with pens than shivs). The plot is B-movie hilarity at its (nearly) best. And hey, the film boasts a strong female protagonist. That’s good for the kids.

Reflection: Seriously, how many weapons does she keep in her hair?

Enter the Dragon (1973)

Tagline: The first American produced martial arts spectacular!

Curiosity: I love Brandon Lee’s movies, but my knowledge of his father’s work is minor at best. City Paper editor Drew Lazor showed me one where Lee fights Kareem Abdul-Jabbar with the sound off and RJD2’s Deadringer cranked up, but that’s about it. So, I figured I’d start here.

Plot: Three men – Lee (uh, Lee), Roper (John Saxon, Nightmare on Elm Street), and Williams (Jim Kelly) – enter a martial arts tournament hosted by drug lord/pimp/one-handed death machine Han (Kien Shih). Roper has debts to pay, Williams could use the adventure, and Lee is out to A) take down Han’s drug cartel and B) avenge the death of his sister (Angela Mao). He’s gonna have to fight an awful lot of guys to get there, though.

Thoughts: The DVD version I own includes scenes cut from the original edit, mostly of Lee expounding on Chinese philosophy. I’m glad they were included, as they allow the actor to briefly explain bits of his culture and fighting style in between dishing out whoop-ass for suckers. I dug the fighting more, though.

No offense to Kelly or Saxon, but Lee’s fight scenes are the film’s highlights. In fact, I was a little bummed that Lee never went up against Bolo Yeung of Bloodsport fame. Yeung instead goes up against Saxon, and while their fight is decent, it fades from the memory compared to Lee’s fluid hits. That said, “the other guys” provide entertainment of a different sort – B-movie excellence. Kelly feels like he just stepped out of a blaxploitation film – he’s got an afro, a love of kung fu, a voracious sexual appetite, and a Vietnam backstory.

I was also struck by the final battle, in which Lee takes on Han in a room full of mirrors. It’s visually stunning, doubly so since the filmmakers didn’t have access to digital editing. Extreme care had to be taken to keep the camera out of the shots. Of course, I also enjoyed this non-violent face-off as well:

It’s nice to know Lee could be funny on occasion.

Reflection: OH HEY I LIKE ONE OF THE MOST FAMOUS MARTIAL ARTS FILMS OF ALL TIME.

The Neverending Story III: Escape From Fantasia (1994-1996)

Tagline: It’s a brand new beginning in the adventure that never ends.

Curiosity: Well, I wanted to see this clip in context:

Plot: Bastian (Now played by Jason James Richter, star of the Free Willy trilogy!) is going through some more rough changes. His pop (Kevin McNulty) remarried, and his new stepsister Nicole (Melody Kay) is a cunt. Like a raging, burning, just terrible cunt who also listens to the Batman Forever soundtrack and writes thoroughly bad songs about her daddy issues. On his first day at his new school, Bastian manages to get the school bullies, nicknamed the Nasties, expelled. This doesn’t sit too well with Nasty leader Slip (Jack Black! I know!). When Bastian gives Slip the slip by slipping into Fantasia, the Nasties take control of The NeverEnding Story and make a mockery of my fucking childhood, got-dammit. Now Bastian has to save two worlds – Fantasia and his own. Oh nos!

Thoughts: …and I thought The Next Chapter hurt. Escape From Fantasia takes everything good and delightful about the original film and plops a big ol’ turd on it. While Richter is better in the Bastian role than Johnathan Brandis, he gets stuck with so many annoying characters (Nicole, Rock Biter’s possibly mentally retarded son Junior) that he sinks. Characters that used to rock so hard, like Falkor, get turned into total wieners. Wieners!

The lone standout in this mess is Jack Black, who does a great job as the villainous Slip. In a rare move, Black actually doesn’t go over the top in a role, often playing Slip as a quiet psychopath, lending the film some much-needed edge. Otherwise, we’re treated to countless scenes of Junior makin’ a mess ‘a’ things. Fuck that giant rock-baby.

What the film could’ve used was… well, copious changes. Atreyu is sorely missed on this outing. The Childlike Empress (Julie Cox) gets turned into a ditz for some reason. The gnomes Engywook (Tony Robinson) and Urgl (Moya Brady) from the original film spend the majority of this one trying to poop. Seriously, that’s their subplot – they have to poop, and inconvenient mishaps prevent them from pooping. Ugh. What a sad, stupid finale to such a promising story.

Reflection: At least I only paid $0.10 for my VHS copy. Now to burn it in a cleansing fire.

The NeverEnding Story II: The Next Chapter (1990)

Tagline: Begin an all new adventure as a young boy returns to a world of wonder on the wings of his imagination.

Curiosity: Also a key part of my childhood. Surely it too has aged well?

Plot: Bastian (now played by Jonathan Brandis) may have gotten older, but he is still very much the same boy. Still an avid reader, still loves his momma, still is afraid of water. When he asks Mr. Koreander (Thomas Hill, the only returning cast member from the original film) for a book that could help him overcome his fear of swimming, Bastian stumbles upon The NeverEnding Story. He can hear the Childlike Empress (now played by Alexandra Johnes) calling for his help again. Against Mr. Koreander’s wishes, Bastian again enters the world of Fantasia, this time literally, where he must do battle with the evil sorceress Xayide (Clarissa Burt) with the help of Atreyu (now played by Kenny Morrison) and Falkor (now voiced by Donald Arthur).

Thoughts: Got-damn this movie sucks ass. I never realized it when I was four, but The Next Chapter truly is an awful movie. Now, it reminds me of “the Matrix trilogy.” The first one was about the power of the mind, with fantastical elements illustrating the vast scope of one’s imagination. In the sequel(s), these images become literal, and stupid. So, so stupid. Character designs lack sensibility. Characters from the original, like Falkor and Rockbiter, are needlessly reintroduced yet contribute little to the plot or running time. It’s kind of a cruel trick to play on kids. The special effects and acting take a nosedive as well.

I feel kind of bad thinking this now that I know Brandis killed himself, but he is awful here. Every movement is over-the-top, every smirk unwarranted. I spent most of the movie wanting to smack the shit out of Bastian for being such a d-bag. I mean… the dude fucking kills Atreyu for the fuck of it. With his bare hands. Fuck that kid FOREVER.

Reflection: I’m glad this came bundled with the original film. At least it’s not a total waste.

The NeverEnding Story (1984)

Tagline: A boy who needs a friend finds a world that needs a hero in a land beyond imagination!

Curiosity: It’s yet another childhood favorite.

Plot: Bastian (Barret Oliver) leads an escapist life through fiction. Given that he’s coping with poor grades, bullies, and his mother’s death, he could certainly use it. One day, he ducks into a bookstore to avoid three nasty classmates. There, he meets Mr. Koreander (Thomas Hill), the crotchety owner of the shop. He warms to the boy a little after appreciating his advanced reading level, though he still won’t let him take the book he’s reading, The NeverEnding Story. Bastian, having a tenuous grasp on reality, steals the book, makes his way to school, and then opts to read in the attic instead of attending class.

Bastian learns about the Nothing, an evil force threatening to destroy a land called Fantasia. Populated by all manner of magical creatures, Fantasia is powered by peoples’ imaginations, hopes, and dreams. These beings flock to see the land’s ruler, the Childlike Empress (Tami Stronach), but her strength is fading with the world. She asks Atreyu (Noah Hathaway), a young warrior, to find a method of dispelling the Nothing. Bastian follows Atreyu’s adventures, and at times the book mentions him reading about Atreyu. This is how we come to learn the meaning of the title – everything is connected, even the seemingly nonfictional and fictional.

Thoughts: I kept thinking that this movie could never be made today. Or at least, not made well. A majority of the story would end up as sterile CGI, which is a shame. Director Wolfgang Petersen (Air Force One, In the Line of Fire) captured so many incredible scenes thanks to real sets and puppetry. So while Falkor (voiced by Alan Oppenheimer) the luckdragon’s mouth movements might not always match up with his lines, he still has a texture that feels alive. Same goes some of the sets – when Atreyu loses his horse in the Swamps of Sadness, it’s incredibly powerful, and wouldn’t be nearly as effective without a real kid in a real swamp. Twenty-five years after its release, The NeverEnding Story still looks beautiful.

Of course, it helps that the leads are so appealing. Oliver possesses a naturalism to his performance that lends even the occasionally cheesy line believability. He sounds like an actual awkward boy. And let’s be honest, if given infinite wishes, wouldn’t your first wish be to ride Falkor too? Same goes for Hathaway, whose emotional range sells Atreyu’s trials and tribu-horse deaths. Seriously, that shit was so sad. And it happens like 20 minutes into the movie! I swear, when I was a kid, it felt like it happened a good hour into the story. I think it’s good for children’s movies to provide the occasional emotionally scarring jolt. It gives a story weight. In this case, it also prepares them for horse-death.

Reflection: What does Bastian rename the Empress? ’Cause to me it sounds like a dirty word. The subtitles don’t actually tell you the name.

Trigger Man (2007)

Tagline: They thought they were alone…

Curiosity: After seeing the excellent The House of the Devil last year, I wanted to see Ti West’s other films ASAP. Here’s my first go at this rising director’s filmography.

Plot: Three friends go on an illegal hunting trip in rural Delaware. One of them (Reggie Cunningham) has girl troubles. Then an unseen shooter starts gunning them down.

Yeah… that’s about it.

Thoughts: I liked Trigger Man, with a couple of caveats:

1) It’s easier to appreciate it now knowing that West was going to quincentuple his promise with House.

2.) Trigger Man shows that, even with an extremely limited budget, West could produce something with excellent cinematography.

Taken on its own, Trigger Man is awfully slow and skimpy on story and dialogue. It’s three dudes walking in the woods. At one point, they riff on Predator. Then it’s back to walking and cussing. That’s the first 40 minutes right there. The remaining 40 are given over to dodging the killer. Sure, House is pretty slow too, but it sustains tension for its entire running time, making its few instances of graphic violence so much more effective. Trigger Man attempts the same trick, and while the actual shootings are pretty powerful, the moments in between suck the energy out. Plus, the first half is way too padded. Did we really need that entire wordless scene where Reggie goes to a convenience store and stares at beverages? The second half occasionally suffers from bad audio – a scene filmed by a river came out kind of garbled.

That said, I still enjoyed the film. Based on House, I assumed Trigger Man would be slow, so I handled the pacing better than my girlfriend did. Horror enthusiast Scott Muir enjoyed the cinematography – one particular overheard looks awesome. Trigger Man is a movie I appreciate more than I like. West established that he could make a movie on the cheap with only a handful of actors and locations, and his interview in the DVD’s bonus section is pretty funny. His use of music is also effective, ranging from the freewheeling indie rock of the title sequence to the more experimental electronic textures that help give the shootings an otherworldly feel. I’m glad I own it, and I might watch it again sometime. But it’s a good movie that could have been great with a little more dialogue. Perhaps some more humor in the front half would have made it move along more easily.

Reflection: Needs more Noonan.

Tom-Yum-Goong (2005)

Tagline: Vengeance knows no mercy.

Curiosity: I like it when Tony Jaa does that thing where his knees fly into people’s faces.

Plot: Kham (Jaa) is a descendent of guards who took care of the King of Thailand’s war elephants. He and his father (Sotorn Rungruaeng) continue this tradition and raise a mighty badass elephant named Por Yai and his calf, Kohrn. When poachers kidnap the elephants and injure Kham’s daddy-o, it’s up to this young herder to travel to Australia and kick so much butt that he gets his stuff back. Aiding him is Sgt. Mark (Petchai Wongkamlao, who also starred with Jaa in Ong-Bak: Muay Thai Warrior), a streetwise Thai officer whose department might have a hand in the same elephant ring that stole Por Yai and Kohrn. Looks like it’s time for some flyin’ knees… to the face! Yeah!

Thoughts: To a certain extent, it’s hard to watch Tom-Yum-Goong (The Protector here in the U.S.A.) without comparing it to Jaa’s breakout hit, Ong-Bak. They share identical plots (Somebody steals Jaa’s stuff, he beats the shit out of people until he gets it back, Wonkgamlao provides comedic support). Ong-Bak also introduced Jaa’s insanely awesome fighting style to most people (myself included). Sure, watching him jump-knee people off helicopters is cool, but Ong-Bak did it first.

Of course, that criticism just means I rank Onk-Bak above Goong. I still love both films. Even though Goong takes a little while to get going (at least in the uncut international version), it takes time to establish all of the characters. Once that’s out of the way, Jaa gets plenty of time to… fight rollerbladers:

And restaurateurs:

FACT: That second clip, four minutes of which was one shot, took about a month to set up and film. Jaa completed it in five takes. He might not set himself on fire this time, but he still delivers some sweet, succulent fight scenes. What a nice guy.

Oh here’s an important note: Don’t watch the U.S. version. It cuts out a lot of the early scenes which, while admittedly slow, develop the characters a bit. It also kills Kham’s dad, when in reality he survives being shot by baddies. The film also straight up changes the gender of the main villain, Madame Rose (Xing Jin). In the international version, Rose is a transgendered female. In the American edit, she’s simply a she, which is a lot weirder, I think, since that means no one acknowledges Rose’s Adam’s Apple.

Reflection: I like elephants.

Failed U.S. Spaced pilot (2008)

Spaced was an extremely awesome sitcom from the U.K. about twentysomethings trying to sort out their lives, mostly through pop culture references. It was created by Simon Pegg, Jessica Stevenson, and Edgar Wright, who went on to make Shaun of the Dead and Hot Fuzz, which were also extremely awesome. Being a British show, it only went for 14 episodes over two seasons. While brief by American standards, the show is also perfect from start to finish, and while I wish the cast 'n' crew could've whipped up a third season, there's nothing wrong with what they accomplished.

Clips from the abandoned U.S. pilot/remake of Spaced are floating around the Internets (see above). From what I've seen, the remake was more weird than awful. I say that because it takes jokes I loved from the first episode of Spaced and makes them suck. And then Will Sasso shows up and talks about killing people. It's like an alternative universe, almost identical to our own, where everything is still horrifyingly wrong. HORRIFYINGLY.

Click here to watch the real first episode of Spaced. And then go buy the complete series set!