Born to Controversy: The Roddy Piper Story (2006)

Tagline: Just when they think they have the answers, I change all the questions. Or, if you prefer, I have come to kick ass and chew bubblegum, and I’m all out of bubblegum.

Curiosity: Rowdy Roddy Piper is one of the best heels in wrestling history. And I love They Live. His guest appearance on Highlander, not so much.

Plot: This very serious documentary covers the life and career of wrestling legend Roddy Piper. The film covers his start in the industry at the age of 15 up through his rise with regional promotions and then the WWF. His film career even gets a nod! But mostly, it’s a collection of stories about how good Piper was at pissing people off. Also he’s a family man. Go figure.

Thoughts: I’m a Piper fan based on They Live, let alone Piper’s illustrious wrestling career. Having watched selections from his best matches on the DVD’s third disc, I’d say his technical skills were lacking. But Piper made up for that with his quick wit. It made him a better wrestler – there were plenty of times were things went wrong and Piper made them work, like when he accidentally got stabbed in the ear and started bleeding everywhere. In the ring, he could make anything work.

Of course, what fans probably remember Piper best for is “Piper’s Pit,” a promo segment where he’d interview other wrestlers. Piper was, in my mind, the penultimate heel. It’s skill to put over a bad wrestler in the ring; it takes even more skill to put someone over when he lacks the charisma needed when on the mic. Piper was never afraid to push buttons, hence the documentary’s title. Sure he could be funny, but he’d just as soon go for a boo as a laugh. There are plenty of clips in the documentary that still make me wince (On Mr. T, Piper had this to say in a promo from the mid-’80s: “He wears more chains than his ancestors!”). I don’t think you could get that on TV nowadays. Piper was the quickest mouth in the Federation, and he wasn’t afraid to make people uncomfortable. He could manipulate crowds’ emotions better than most. Yeah, Hulk Hogan made the WWF a household name, but Piper was just as important. Sometimes you have to ask yourself: Do you really want the face to win, or do you just want the heel to lose?

Reflection: Got-damn Piper was so funny on It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia.

Turtles Forever (2009)

Tagline: Sometimes four ninja turtles just aren’t enough.

Curiosity: Eh, I had the day off. And the whole thing is streaming for free on YouTube.

Plot: The Purple Dragons (from the 2003 animated series) are in the middle of a robbery when they’re attacked by the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Splinter sees this on the news and reprimands his sons for being so careless as to be recorded, but it turns out Leonardo, Donatello, Raphael, and Michelangelo have been home all night. That’s because the turtles the Purple Dragons fought were actually from the 1987 cartoon! ’87 Shredder caused a temporal rift, depositing the ’87 characters in the ’03 remake. ’87 Shredder and Krang get into even more trouble when they revive ’03 Shredder. He takes over their Technodrone and uses to launch a war against all the ninja turtles in the multiverse!

Thoughts: As far as anniversary specials go, Turtles Forever isn’t half bad. The plot makes more sense than Forever Red ever did, and the animators bring back dozens of character designs, ranging from the shows to the comics the movies. Each style is captured perfectly. I was a huge fan of the ’87 series as a kid (Now, not so much, although the ’03 adaptation had its moments), and there was a certain nostalgia in seeing all the old designs come back.

That being said, it’s a shame the producers didn’t bring back the original voice actors. Especially missed is James Avery (Uncle Phil from The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air), who voiced the original Shredder. That guy has a very specific voice, and while the filmmakers did a decent job recasting, they can’t gloss over the fact that Avery isn’t there. Nuts. By removing the original voice cast, Turtles Forever feels a little empty. It’s an anniversary party missing several key people who made it worth remembering.

Still, the story moves along well enough, occasionally getting mired in sci-fi jabber but delivering action and comedy all the same. The ’87 turtles can be really annoying – the film plays them off as insane – but every so often Raphael gets in a good joke, especially when he talks to the audience, much to the other characters’ confusion. And hey, the original black-and-white turtles from the comics show up and get all Frank Miller-y on bad guys’ asses. That’s cool, right?

Reflection: They should have ended it with the “Ninja Rap.” Also Bebop and Rocksteady are used so effectively in this movie that it's maddening.

Blood Surf (2000)

Tagline: Blood surfing… It’s new, it’s extreme, it’s deadly…

Curiosity: Surfers use chum to attract sharks while they’re surfing! Then they get attacked by a giant crocodile!!

Plot: Surfers use chum to attract sharks while they’re surfing! Then they get attacked by a giant crocodile!!

That really is the premise, right there. Oh sure, there’s some other stuff, like the old guy who’s been hunting the crocodile for years (in between violent sex sessions with his special lady friend). And pirates show up at some point – because why not? – but mostly this movie is about a couple of idiots like bleedin’ and surfin’.

Thoughts: Talk about your squandered potential. Blood Surf is so hung up on having its characters fight a giant crocodile puppet that it sacrifices other, better ideas in the process. It could have been a movie about surfers who fight pirates! It could have been about how insanely stupid it is to cut your feet in the stupid hopes of getting sharks to follow you while you stupidly surf your stupid wave.

STUPID.

Instead, Blood Surf keeps coming back to croco-puppets, which really puts a damper on all the softcore imagery and forehead-slapping dialogue. Goddamnit.

Just to be clear: Don’t use blood to attract sharks to your surfing form. They already think surfers look like seals. And now you’re fucking with their killer instincts! They don’t even like the taste of human flesh, you dick!

Reflection: What am I doing with my life?

Freejack (1992)

Tagline: Alex Furlong died today. Eighteen years from now, he’ll be running for his life.

Curiosity: It’s a science fiction film I’ve never heard of before starring Emilio freaking Estevez.

Plot: Alex Furlong (Estevez) is a super cool racecar driver. He’s one of the best in the league, and he’s dating a totally awesome lady named Julie (Rene Russo). Yep, everything is going great for Alex… until his car crashes into a bridge during a race and explodes. Now Alex is dead. That sucks.

BUT WAIT! In the distant future, the year 2009, the McCandless Corporation has the technology to pull a person’s body from the past just before he or she dies. Since these people were already legally dead in the future, the Corporation views their bodies as empty shells, which they can dump new souls into for the rich and the elderly. Furlong escapes, though, becoming a “freejack,” a person who’s been pulled from his or her time and is now trapped in a dystopian future. Furlong just wants to find Julie, but the bounty hunter Vacenak (Mick Jagger) is close pursuit.

Thoughts: Hoo boy, Freejack is pretty awesomely bad. A little slow in places, so it’s not always as kitschy as I would like it to be, but man does this movie suck. Stealing bodies from the past has to be just about the most expensive, ill-conceived way to replace your mortal coil. I mean, you’d think somebody would notice all the missing people. Also, I find the legality of stealing people away before they die questionable at best. It’s like, can’t you just clone yourself and then stick your soul into one of those? C’mon, faceless corporations. Get your shit together.

Even within the terms of the story, Freejack is frustrating. It just doesn’t have the guts to truly apocalyptic like The Terminator or The Road. What I mean is, the movie goes out of its way to have everything work out for Furlong, even going so far as to launch a lengthy series of deus ex machinas in order to wrap up the ending in his favor. It makes the post-apocalypse look so damn cute it’s annoying.

I had a blast watching Mick Jagger and New York Dolls frontman David Johansen act though.

Reflection: I thought it was weird that Alex had no trouble hooking up with Julie even though she’d aged like 20 years. Then I looked at how Rene Russo is holding up in real life and realized that it’s totally accurate. That lady ages like a fine wine. Or a video game you still like (like Sonic 2 or X-Men 2: Clone Wars).

Scott Pilgrim vs. the World (2010)

Tagline: An epic of epic epicness.

Curiosity: It’s the film adaptation of one of my favorite comics from one of my favorite directors featuring some of my favorite actors. Surely nothing can go wrong.

Plot: Scott Pilgrim (Michael Cera) is twenty-something slacker slumming around Toronto without much direction. He loves video games and the Smashing Pumpkins; everything else is kind of up in the air, which is what leads him to dating high school student Knives Chau (Ellen Wong). It’s a simple, innocent relationship that doesn’t require a whole lot of effort on his part… until he meets Ramona Flowers (Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Live Free or Die Hard, Sky High), a super-neat-o gal with roller blades, sarcasm, and the power to travel through dimensions.

Dating Ramona comes with a caveat, though: Scott must defeat her seven evil exes in combat. This ain’t gonna be easy – one of ’em is vegan and another is half-ninja!

Thoughts: My disappointment in Scott Pilgrim is mostly my fault. Bryan Lee O’Malley’s epic is one of my favorite comic collections as of late, along with work from Peter Bagge, Joe Sacco, and Craig Thompson. Edgar Wright is similarly one of my favorite directors. I watch Spaced, Shaun of the Dead, and Hot Fuzz on a regular basis. The cast is pretty great as well. Cera isn’t nearly as miscast as his previous work would suggest, and the rest of the cast does a great job capturing the characters’ essences. My personal favorites were Chris Evans as Lucas Lee (I always get excited when Evans pops up. Go rent Sunshine) and Brandon Routh as Todd Ingram (Between this and Zack and Miri Make a Porno, Routh has shown some awesome comedic chops in supporting roles). Wallace Wells is one of the funniest characters in the book, and Kieran Culkin is likewise one of the funniest actors in the adaptation. Thomas Jane and Clifton Collins Jr. have maybe 60 seconds of screen time, but each of those seconds is hi-larious.

But I still like the movie more in theory than in actuality. I’m not necessarily upset that Wright doesn’t film everything from the books – indeed, I’m actually surprised at how successful he was overall at editing six books down into one movie. I expected characters and subplots to disappear. Rather, I take issue with two elements of the movie.

First, the beginning feels so hyperactive and rushed in its attempt to plow through the key plot points of the first book. For the first half-hour or so, the movie is just a cavalcade of bullet points. Once it gets to my favorite books (volumes two and three), it starts to hit a good stride, but I feel like Wright has trouble balancing cohesive storytelling and fidelity to the source material for a while. Same goes for the ending, only this time it takes forever. The majority of the film is actually quite hilarious, but unevenly so. I feel like you still need to have read the books to make sense of the plot, although I’m rethinking this stance now that I’ve spoken with a few friends who have enjoyed the film without reading the series beforehand.

My other beef is that Wright sometimes takes bits and character traits from the book and reassigns them. I get that sometimes characters get combined in movie adaptations, but this time he’s essentially retelling me jokes I know incorrectly. That’s annoying.

Still, I’m sad that Scott Pilgrim isn’t making more bank. I really wanted this movie to succeed. I love just about everyone involved in its creation, and while it’s a flawed work, it’s something I still hold quite dear.

Reflection: The soundtrack is pretty good. And I love my man Chris Evans.

The Expendables (2010)

Tagline: EVERY ONE OF US IS EXPENDABLE *SICK GUITAR RIFF EXPLOSIONS FOREVER*!!!!!!!!

Curiosity: Dolph Lundgren, Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Eric Roberts, Jet Li, Mickey Rourke, Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Steve Austin, Terry Crews. HELL YES.

Plot: Led by Barney (Stallone, who also co-wrote and directed), the Expendables are a band of mercenaries for hire. They ride motorcycles and get sick tattoos and are totally awesome at darts and fighting. But the group is splintering. First Barney has to kick out his friend Gunner (Lundgren!!!) after he turns a rescue mission into a blood bath, then Barney himself gets all types of messed up after he and Lee Christmas (Statham) take on a mission in South America from a very funny/awesome Bruce Willis. When he sees all the hardship caused by a ruthless dictator (David Zayas), Barney realizes he has to stand for something. Something good. Something that rescues Latin babes (Giselle Itié). With his band of brothers, Barney is ready to wage a war. ’Cause when you’re pushed, killing’s as easy as breathing. Or um ’cause if society won’t punish the guilty, he will. Or something like that.

Thoughts: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Got-damn Expendables is awesome. It’s not so self-aware as to become distracting, but it’s clear that Stallone intended this movie to be a super awesome throwback to ’80s action movies, and the cast is accordingly stuffed with heavy hitters. Everyone gets a moment or two to shine. Stallone is actually surprisingly democratic with the highlights. He’s clearly the star, but he doles out so many cool moments to the other stars, like when Statham fights an entire basketball team/hooks up with Charisma Carpenter or when Dolph Lundgren does just about anything. Just like in Iron Man 2, Mickey Rourke turns in an amazing, nuanced performance, even if his supporting role is essentially as the Wilson to Stallone’s Tim Allen. Dude needs to be in every movie ever from now on. Li, Statham, and Lundgren turn in some got-damn vicious martial arts scenes, as do Stallone, Austin, and Randy Couture in a more wrastlin’ capacity. Terry Crews gets some pretty terrible lines, but he blows up so much shit that his character is one of my favorites anyway. Eric Roberts is, what else, a slick gangster type.

At the same time, Stallone throws in some winks to the audience. A scene between Planet Hollywood buddies Stallone, Willis, and Schwarzenegger is packed with in-jokes, but it’s so perfectly suited for the audience. In turn, Expendables would be a cult movie, except it accommodates such a wide gathering of fans that it’s something bigger. Somewhere between The Marine and Hot Fuzz, there is The Expendables.

Reflection: Jean-Claude Van Damme, Steven Seagal, and Kurt Russell all passed on this movie. Seagal gets a pass ’cause he was working on Machete. Russell gets a lifetime pass for his movies with John Carpenter. Van Damme, though? I liked Universal Soldier: Regeneration a lot, but c’mon dude.

Dragonball: Evolution (2009)

Tagline: Master your destiny.

Curiosity: It was free.

Plot: Goku (Justin Chatwin) is your typical white boy (wait, what?). He’s totally awesome at martial arts, but he can’t use ’em ’cause he might hurt one of the teens at his high school. He harbors a crush on Chi Chi (Jamie Chung), but he can’t tell her! Bummer! But then one day this green guy named Piccolo (Jamers Marsters! Swoon!) and kills his Asian grandfather Gohan (Randall Duk Kim, in a role that can only be described as very 3 Ninjas). Piccolo is trying to collect all seven dragonballs. If he does, he can summon a dragon to grant him a wish, presumably one of the douchey variety. It’s up to Goku and the friends he makes along the way to stop Piccolo. With fists!

Thoughts: In another life, I worked for a weekly newspaper based out of Mount Airy called Peoples XPress. It was a terrible, terrible paper, but at least I got to work with my friends Nate and Sam Fran. Nate reviewed Dragonball when it hit theaters and noted that it hit that awful mid-range of being too bad to be good, but too boring to be good in a bad way. He was right.

Evolution feels tailor-made to piss off fans of Dragonball and Dragonball Z, getting just about everything wrong. Whether it’s casting Caucasian actors to play Asian characters, fudging the characters’ histories, or just being fucking terrible in general, it’s unclear who Evolution was intended for. The plot is too underexplained to make sense to non-fans, but too unfaithful to please actual fans. It’s just a parade of insults.

Oddly enough, the scenes that suck the most are the ones that are actually faithful to the source material. Chow Yun-Fat plays Master Roshi with the kind of zeal and ridiculousness inherent in anime characters, but it comes across as overacting. The final fight scene between Goku and Piccolo looks an awful lot like the anime – they grunt and shoot and energy beams and spend forever charging up attacks – but it’s so confusing and awful-looking. It’s staged just like a fight from the show, but it’s still wrong. Evolution sacrifices a lot of material from the manga to make itself more realistic, but it still can’t bridge that gap into plausibility.

Reflection: YOU’RE DOING IT WRONG.

Two-Lane Blacktop (1971)

Tagline: Their world is a two-lane blacktop. [That was helpful.]

Curiosity: Dennis Wilson is my favorite Beach Boy. Yeah, that was it.

Plot: A group of travelers meet on the open road (on the two-lane blacktop, if you will). Their relationship is at once a bond (They help each other with vehicle upkeep and maps) yet also kept at a distance (No one goes by their real name.) The Driver (James Taylor, in a performance that is at least as good as his “Fuck Facebook” bit from Funny People) and The Mechanic (Wilson) get by as street racers, pushing their 1955 Chevy 150 all over the country. They meet The Girl (Laurie Bird), a pretty, young, directionless free spirit, and GTO (Warren Oates), a rich guy with a brand new 1970 GTO Judge and a midlife crisis. They’re not sure what’s going on in life, but they like to drive, so they place a bet: First person to reach Washington, D.C. gets the other’s pink slip.

Thoughts: It takes a few scenes to adjust to Two-Lane Blacktop. It implies a lot of existential questions without actually asking any, abandons its plot, moves at a slow pace, and features prominent performances from inexperienced actors (Taylor and Wilson are/were, of course, primarily musicians, while Bird was a new face). Oates is the only experienced thespian in the group, and of course he’s great, but so is the rest of the principle cast. They each work for different reasons – Oates underscores his dialogue with increasing desperation. We slowly realize that for all his wealth he is actually more lost than these drifters. Given that director Monte Hellman opted to shoot the film in sequence, in a real life road trip from coast to coast, I suppose that offered Oates an opportunity to build the character in real time. Taylor is quietly intense, focused on the road and the road alone, while Wilson is more affable. Bird plays pretty and bored perfectly. I love the scene where she first meets them: She gets out of a car and into theirs, and they simply accept it and drive. The scene is dialogue-free.

Two-Lane Blacktop holds up partially because of its sparse set-up. The fashions were meant to be dialed down, since none of the characters save for GTO would be able to keep up with contemporary trends, and in doing so the cast looks like it could have emerged from today instead of 1971. Same with the dialogue. I love Easy Rider, but that movie is clearly entrenched in its time period. But nothing in Blacktop dates it save for references to dates. The interactions all have a timeless quality. It’s not meant to be some grand counter-cultural statement, and in doing so sidesteps any baggage that baby boomer generation carries. It’s on the slow/cheap side, but the movie captures the human condition beautifully.

Reflection: Is it ironic that I’m listening to The Beatles right now?