The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

Tagline: Fight for your fate.

Curiosity: My fiancée has a crush on Emily Blunt.

Plot: A mysterious shadow agency tries to stop Matt Damon from fucking Emily Blunt.

Thoughts: It makes me feel good to know that my fiancée occasionally picks shitty movies too. She might question my taste and sanity, but she’s picked some clunkers just like me. The Adjustment Bureau is one of those clunkers. An adaptation of a Philip K. Dick story, the film’s sole saving grace is the chemistry between leads Damon and Blunt, by which I mean I could see Damon legitimately wanting to hump Blunt. The two show real fireworks, and I’m honestly not sure who’s more charming.

But the movie that’s built around them is lame-o. A secret organization called the Adjustment Bureau uses a guide for planning out all of civilization. While humans can control small decisions, like what to watch on TV, the big choices – who to marry, where to work – are handled by the Bureau. Free will, when it matters, does not exist in this society. And that’s a cool Orwellian sort of idea, except that it doesn’t add up to much here. For Damon, the tagline of fighting for one’s fate adds up to trying to get naked time with Blunt. That’s it.

Granted, the Adjustment Bureau doesn’t come off as nefarious, so it’s not like Damon’s character has much inkling to rage against the machine (That would probably reek too much of The Matrix anyway. Or maybe Robot Holocaust?). But the resulting plot of obtaining sloppy make-outs feels too small. The Bureau, in turn, feels too vaguely defined to build tension. They start off slightly intimidating, until you realize they’re a sci-fi riff on Judeo-Christian ideology. But I just didn’t feel like there was much at stake. The film also breaks an important science fiction rule: Never double up suspension of disbelief. I can accept that there’s a group who secretly controls the world. But they’re given a weakness near the end of the film that exists simply to create a happy ending. It smacks of bad writing.

Reflection: Emily Blunt does seem pretty cool though.

Head (1968)

Tagline: A movie for a turned-on audience!

Curiosity: It came with the “America Lost and Found” boxed set from The Criterion Collection.

Plot: I have no idea what’s going on, man.

Thoughts: Head is an important movie because of what happened after its release; namely, it set Jack Nicholson up for a role in break-out films like Easy Rider, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and Five Easy Pieces. He co-wrote and even briefly appeared in Head. The film also launched BBS, a pivotal production company if for no other reason than they made Easy Rider, which, for all the baby boomer bullshit that gets attached nowadays, is still a really, really good road movie. So yeah, let me just say that Head is an important movie.

But it sure isn’t a good one. Sheesh hoosafex, does this movie stink like butts on all fronts. It’s essentially a plotless 90-minutes in which The Monkees (Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, and Davy Jones) run around make absurdist statements and occasionally breaking into song. They show up in various situations (a Western, a war, a big black box, etc.) and crack wise, but it never adds up to anything coherent. It’s very psychedelic, but at 90 minutes, it’s a bit of a chore. And let me say, Easy Rider managed to be trippier with its acid sequence and tell a coherent story, however sparse.

Still, Head did make me laugh a few times. The opening scene, in which an official’s attempts to use a microphone result in a repetitious drone, was hilarious. Random oddball jokes scored a chuckle (Frank Zappa appears to remind Davy Jones about the need for artistic integrity, before walking off with a talking cow). I also like whenever the laughing giant guy shows up for no reason. The movie could’ve used more WTF moments like that, because as is, Head just isn’t something I see myself watching ever again. I’m not necessarily against movies steeped in drug culture, Head is just a complete mess. Rumor has it The Monkees made it to sabotage their goofy TV image. Well, mission accomplished.

Reflection: For a great movie-with-musicians, check out Two-Lane Blacktop instead.

Spy Game (2001)

Tagline: It’s not how you play the game. It’s how the game plays you.

Curiosity: My fiancée is all about Brad Pitt and, curiously, Robert Redford.

Plot: When secret agent Tom Bishop (Pitt) is captured trying to break out a woman from a Chinese prison, Washington goes poop-crazy. The only friend Tom has left is Nathan Muir (Redford). It’s his last day of on the force (ain’t that always the way?), but he’ll be darned if anybody is gonna mess with that handsome devil Tommy Bishop. Only thing is, Muir needs to trick his opponents in order to free Bishop. He’s gotta play the game. The SPY game, if you will.

The spy game involves sending in the Navy SEALs to fuck shit up [SPOILER ALERT].

Thoughts: What makes Spy Game so great is that it’s essentially two hours of Robert Redford being smarter than everyone ever. People will be all like, “Hey Robert Redford, your friend is totally gonna die and you can’t save him and also you have to retire, dick-butt.” And then Redford will say “Yeah, you’re right,” to their faces. But in his head he’s all “Shazam! I got this.”

…and that’s pretty much all that’s going on. We get a lot of weird backstory about Pitt and Redford meeting in Vietnam (the bulk of the story takes place in 1991, by the by), which is hilariously First Blood-ish. But mostly, it’s just your body Redford telling people to eat a bag of dicks. Because that’s what happens when you lose the spy game, baby.

Reflection: I don’t think Brad Pitt has any lines for the first 40 minutes. Discuss.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Tagline: Evolution becomes revolution.

Curiosity: Apes be getting crazy! Also my baby girl wanted to see this for some reason (I blame Freida Pinto).

Plot: Dr. Will Rodman (James Franco) is trying to cure Alzheimer’s, and the key to doing so lies in creating a virus that can repair brain cells. Not only does this virus repair cells, though, it also creates new ones, resulting in a marked increase in intelligence in the apes he’s testing the virus on. But when one of the apes, Bright Eyes, goes psycho-crazy, Rodman loses his funding and is ordered to kill the rest of the test subjects. But he can’t bring himself to kill Bright Eyes’ baby, Caesar (Andy Serkis). Instead, he raises Caesar in secret with his Alzheimer’s-stricken father (John Lithgow). Rodman and Caesar become good buddies, and together they pick up a pretty lady (Pinto) and have some great times.

Then shit gets fucked.

Thoughts: I feel like most of my praise for Rise of the Planet of the Apes consists of backhanded compliments. It’s pretty good, despite being the seventh Apes movie and having a terrible ad campaign and jumping around plot points considerably. But it’s true: I don’t think many people on the Internets thought it was gong to be a good movie, and instead it’s the best movie to come out this summer. What the fuck.

If anything, what makes the film work is that it borrows strategies from Batman Begins (gritty reboot that respects the source material and jettisons camp) and 2001: A Space Odyssey (the most human character isn’t actually human). Serkis has always done incredible motion capture work (Lord of the Rings, King Kong), and Apes is yet another moving performance from the guy in a wet suit. But the whole cast is great, if underutilized. Franco gets plenty of screen time, but Pinto, Lithgow, and Brian Cox all feel underutilized. They’re great, as is Tom Felton (trading the British douchebaggery of Draco Malfoy for the American douchebaggery of Dodge Landon), but they all could have gotten more.

But then, Apes needs its brisk pacing to keep things moving, considering it takes place over the course of about 15 years or something. It also jumps from genre to genre – rom-com to sci-fi to drama to action – so focusing on any one element might have derailed the film. While I wouldn’t exactly put it on the same level as Batman Begins or 2001 – too many convenient plot twists – it’s an emotionally affecting work. You can come into with the thinnest awareness of the Apes franchise and still get caught up in the characters, although fans will surely enjoy all of the references to the series. Sure it gets clunky at times – recycling that “Damn dirty ape” bit is too obvious – but as a whole, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is easily the best movie of the summer.

Verdict: Seriously, best movie with worst ad campaign 2011. I’m glad it’s making money despite the truly shitty trailers and posters.

Heavy Metal (1981)

Tagline: A step beyond science fiction!

Curiosity: I was never allowed to watch it as a kid. That, Black Sabbath’s “Mob Rules” is on the soundtrack, and that tune fuggin’ rules.

Plot: Dudes fuck busty ladies with their boners. Also, some bad guys are trying to obtain a green orb with mysterious powers.

But mostly boners.

Thoughts: Oh wow. Oh… geez, man. In order to appreciate Heavy Metal, you really need to be in the film’s target demographic, which is horny 13-year-old boys. Otherwise, you might fixate on how every character is nothing more than a sex party waiting to happen, or how the plot is a paper-thin boob-delivery system. But even judged as fan service, Heavy Metal falls short due to uneven animation. I just don’t think the human body works the way the film depicts.

As science fiction, Heavy Metal is even worse. The orb actually reminds me of the one ring from Lord of the Rings, in that both are evil objects that few can control. Except Lord of the Rings is a literary masterpiece, and Heavy Metal is a piece of shit.

But wait, given that the movie is called Heavy Metal, it surely must have a ballin’ soundtrack, right? Wrong. Outside of Black Sabbath and maybe Blue Öyster Cult, there is no metal on the soundtrack. Sure, it’s got Devo, whom I love, but they seem inappropriate. What makes the collection laughable, though, is the inclusion of artists like Journey, Sammy Hagar, Grand Funk Railroad, and fucking Stevie Nicks. I know Heavy Metal is “inspired” by a sci-fi erotica mag, but this music is just shit.

Reflection: IF YOU LISTEN TO FOOLS / THE MOB RULES / GUITAR SQUEALIE!

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Tagline: Discover the origin of the first avenger.

Curiosity: My man Chris Evans plays Marvel’s best piece of political commentary, Captain America.

Plot: Scrawny Steve Rodgers (Evans) just wants to serve his country, but with all his health ailments, the armed forces continually reject him. Finally, though, he meets German ex-pat scientist Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who admires his dedication to a moral life that defies flags and governments and stuff. The good doctor selects Rodgers to be the test subject for a super soldier formula, much to the consternation of folks like British agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) and U.S. Colonel Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones). Even his best friend Bucky (Sebastian Stan, who is Romanian. DID YOU KNOW THAT?) can’t believe Steve’s luck. But when Nazi spies kill Erskine and unveil a new, technologically advanced sect called HYDRA, Steve quickly sets about proving his worth.

Thoughts: I really need the Avengers movie to be good. It was cool when the idea first got floated out in Iron Man, but I’m starting to get burned out on the build-up. Films like Iron Man 2 and Thor were uneven due to the Avengers side plot; Captain America is bookended by Avengers developments, distracting from an otherwise solid, gee-wiz sort of World War II action piece a la Indiana Jones. The creamy middle consists of a stellar cast (Seriously; everyone pulls their weight, just like in Thor), fun action sequences, and even a bit of humor. Yeah, Captain America gets hokey in spots, but that comes with the character. It’s even a little endearing.

If Avengers sucks, Captain America will be diminished. Which is a shame, since director Joe Johnston (The Wolfman, The Rocketeer) delivered a tightly paced, fun, but still emotionally rewarding movie. Yeah, it’s a little by-the-numbers as far as superhero movies go, but the cast elevates the script considerably. Evans sparks chemistry with just else everyone else in the cast, from his love interest Peggy to his enemy the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving, nerds’ go-to guy for anything dorky and intense). Another important difference is in how the movie switches up the superhero movie conventions. Steve doesn’t have Spider-man or Batman’s tortured psyches or Iron Man ‘n’ Thors’ issues with redemption. He just wants to do the right thing, and he won’t stop until he’s done his duty. In other movies, the superhero has to develop his personal code of ethics; Rodgers always knew where he stood even before he became Captain America. The character can be boiled down to a single line: “I don’t like bullies.”

I find that endearing, and while I take issues with the film’s ending (Not Johnston’s fault, but it still wastes some great opportunities to mine Marvel’s vaults), I still loved Captain America from start to finish.

Verdict: Seriously, give me an Invaders movie with Cap, Sub-Mariner, and the original Human Torch. Do it up.

Creepshow (1982)

Tagline: The most fun you’ll ever have BEING SCARED!

Curiosity: It’s a mash-up from Stephen King and George A. Romero (You might know him from a zombie movie or two or three).

Plot: Set up as a tribute to the horror comics of yesteryear, Creepshow opens on a little boy (King’s own son Joe, who now writes the pretty awesome Locke & Key series) getting yelled at by his dad (Tom Atkins, Night of the Creeps. He’s also one of several cast members to show up from The Fog) for reading trashy comics like, well, Creepshow. After Atkins throw out the first issue, the film jumps into a series of horror vignettes.

Thoughts: While it could never be considered a major work from any of the cast or crew, Creepshow is still a charming little horror movie. Compared to today’s standards, ’80s horror movies, or even just Romero’s work alone, it’s tame in the gore ‘n’ violence area. But King’s script crackles with humor, lending the film a lot of extra appeal. He also turns in a hilarious performance as a yokel who finds a meteor. Much has been written about King’s acting being subpar at best, embarrassing at worst, but I honestly thought his bug-eyed overacting actually suited the material. Plus, it’s Stephen freaking King. If the author of Carrie, Cujo, and The Eyes of the Dragon wants to ham it up, so be it.

Despite running two hours, Creepshow keeps moving at a fine pace, jumping from one macabre tale to the next. The strongest of the bunch is clearly “Something to Tide You Over,” in which Leslie Nielsen takes revenge on Ted Danson for stealing his wife. It comes right after King’s bit, so it’s a refreshing antidote to all the overacting. The two thespians strike a nice balance between drama and humor, which is exactly what the film overall set out to achieve. Of course, I’m fond of the closing skit, “They’re Creeping Up on You,” in which Romero’s good friend Tom Savini gets to cut loose some creepy effects.

Reflection: Honestly, I could see myself using this to ease my kids into the horror genre.