Taboo (2002)

Tagline: Would you ever…?

Curiosity: The lady and I were looking for a cheesy horror film to laugh at. Taboo sounded promising, but double hate-fucked us by first being terrible, then deeply disturbing.

Plot: A group of six rich preppy friends who deeply, deeply hate each other play a game of “Taboo,” in which they have to answer screwed up personal questions, almost all of which start with some form of “Would you ever have sex with a…?” The questions hit a little too close to home and, one year later, somebody starts offing the other five during a storm.

Thoughts: This has to be one of the cheapest-looking horror films I’ve ever seen, and I just went to an Ed Wood screening like a week ago. The entire story is set in one very large mansion, instances of blood are kept to a minimum and shot from a distance, and the cast never extends beyond the core six. The pacing is atrocious, and the dialogue is generally even worse. Characters flip on each other for no particular reason, to the point where you start to wonder why these folks are friends.

But mostly, I just want to know why no one thought to fucking call 911 once the murders start. At the very least, screenwriter Chris Fisher could have thrown in a line of dialogue like, “Oh, the phones are down.”

That said, Taboo, when taken as a whole, is more of a fiasco than a failure. It’s meant to be disturbing, and it ultimately succeeds by its end. But the first hour or so is an agonizing stretch of catty comments and poorly drawn stereotypes. What’s more, the stereotypes aren’t even that stereotypical – the token slut is said to have partaken in a threesome. At her boyfriend’s request. Oh my word! The result is a poor man’s Funny Games, in that it’s poorly made but still makes you feel like a dirtbag for watching it.

For such a cheap-looking movie, Taboo bagged a few actors who showed real talent elsewhere. The leads are Nick Stalhl, post-Disturbing Behavior but pre-Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines and a pre-Mad Men January Jones. Buffy the Vampire Slayer’s Amber Benson and a post-American Pie Eddie Kaye Thomas slum it out too. The other two actors were in… Mummy an’ the Armadillo? I want to see this, just to find out how the title relates to the plot.

Oh and uh… don’t see this movie. It sucks for the first hour or so, and then it gets all types of fucked up. And not ironically funny fucked up either. More like in a “Welp, my girlfriend doesn’t want to cuddle anymore but that’s OK because now I don’t want anyone to touch me ever again” way.

Reflection: They never talk about bestiality. Howsabout that?! Also, I would just like to state for the record that looking up Youtube clips and stills for this movie has been really disturbing for me.

Riff Trax live

Pictured above are Bill Corbett, Mike Nelson, and Kevin Murphy, the central cast members of Mystery Science Theater 3000 during the Sci-Fi Channel years. That show had an indelible impact on my sense of humor and taste in movies. Coupled with my mom's love of Star Wars, Big Trouble in Little China, and Masters of the Universe, it's perhaps no wonder that I turned out the way I did. Anyway, since MST3K's cancellation, the trio has kept on keepin' on with Rifftrax.com, a Web site that essentially continues the tradition of making fun of movies. Basically, they sell audio tracks of Nelson and the ex-bots cracking wise. Last night, they performed a live lambasting of the schlock classic Plan 9 From Outer Space, along with live music, a bonus riffing on the informational short film Flying Stewardesses, and a couple of clips from the MSTIE acolytes at Something Awful. It was, simply put, hilarious. I went with a few friends to see the satellite broadcast at a local theater (coupled with some pre-screening Time Crisis 4), and I'm really, really glad I did.

It's refreshing to know that the stuff you thought was hilarious as a kid is still pretty much comedic genius. Plus, everyone that went scored a digital goody bag. Oh those Minnesotans... will they ever stop giving?

The Happening (2008)

Oh no wait...

Tag line: We've Sensed It. We've Seen the Signs. Now... It’s Happening.

Curiosity: My girlfriend and I both thought director/writer M. Night Shyamalan’s The Village was underrated. And we were willing to give him a mulligan for Lady in the Water. And I couldn’t get my girlfriend to watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit?.

Plot: Spoiler alerts abound in this post! SPOILERS!

Mark Wahlberg plays an effeminate high school science teacher married to Zooey Deschanel, who looks like she’s being goosed in 90 percent of her scenes. His best friend is an anxious math teacher/father played by John Leguizamo. More importantly, he’s also the only person whose last name I didn't have to spellcheck.

Anyway, the Norf-east gets attacked by plants. Or rather, plants evolve the ability to make humans kill themselves as a means of protecting themselves from human overpopulation. But it only works on supporting characters.

Thoughts: When you get down to it, Shyamalan is just a glorified B-movie director. His plots are always preposterous, but in the wrong way. His trademark is the big twist ending, at which point his stories tend to collapse under the weight of their own seriousness and mystique. Think of how cool Signs was until you found out the aliens were weak against water. The most plentiful liquid on Earth.

What Shyamalan needs to do is embrace his inner schlock, and The Happening is a good first start. See, there’s nothing redemptive about this movie. The title is stupid. The plot is only vaguely sensible. While it’s true certain plants emit chemicals to affect the life around it, Shyamalan’s concept of how air (and those sinister, sinister wind patterns) works is ludicrous at best.

But therein lays The Happening’s beauty. Because it’s so stupid, it doesn’t matter how bad the performances are. Despite his limited range, Wahlberg has been in some good films (I Heart Huckabees, Three Kings, The Perfect Storm), but here he just seems lost. Same goes for Deschanel, whose flat line readings perfectly complement the two-dimensional storytelling. The film’s best/funniest scene comes when Wahlberg literally (Literally!) tries pleading with a plant, Rodney King-style, to just get along and accept his “good vibes.” Ah heck, I don’t want to spoil the joke, but here’s the full quote:

“Hello. My name is Elliot Moore. I’m just going to talk in a very positive manner, giving off good vibes. We’re just here to use the bathroom, and we’re just going to leave. I hope that’s okay.”

Then he finds out it’s a plastic plant.

There are other hi-larious bits, like Leguizamo’s turn-on-a-dime hostility towards Deschanel and utterly random instances of gun violence, but for the most part, the movie works best when it’s just Wahlberg being crazy. Or whenever there’s a long shot of plants swaying in the wind. SpOoOoOoky.

Reflection: While it’s a little long at 91 minutes, The Happening is truly an underrated comedy. Could it be this decade’s Mallrats?

G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)

Tag line: When all else fails, they don’t.

Curiosity: The film is based off of the cartoon/action figure line of the same name. If you’re unfamiliar, congrats, you’re either under 20 or a girl who likes girly things for girls. Have fun with you’re My Size Barbie, you girl!

Thoughts at the time: While it’s by no means a knockout action picture like Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra is a surprisingly solid, faithful adaptation of the ’80s cartoon. I mean, let’s face it – that show was pretty got-damned ridiculous. Cobra Commander once tried using ghosts to fight the Joes. So while the film is CGI-heavy, a little cheap-looking, and kinda sorta maybe stupid, it delivers as much from its source material as one could reasonably expect. An international armed force led by my man Dennis Quaid takes on terrorists. Cobra Commander is still crazy. Zartan is still a good impressionist. Scarlett, uh, still has red hair. Be glad the film avoids Cobra-La. And it even takes strides to justify elements of the cartoon, from referencing its “Knowing is half the battle” catch phrase to explaining why soldiers might prefer laser rifles over “real” guns with bullets. So while you can nitpick certain elements - why are Baroness and Cobra Commander siblings? - ultimately, yer just hating freedom.

With a few exceptions, the cast is solid enough. Quaid is the same hardass from films like Vantage Point. Reviews have referenced John Wayne in describing Quaid’s delivery here as General Hawk, and that sounds about right. Ray Park and Byung-hun Lee are the two coolest characters of the film, on account of them being ninjas (Snake Eyes and Storm Shadow, respectively). While Snake Eyes’ costume is a little distracting (Why did they give his mask lips?), Storm Shadow looks down-right pimpin’ in his white suits. Christopher Eccleston deserves points for his Destro, if only because he actually bothers to give him a Scottish accent. Sienna Miller, as a majorly altered Baroness, gets similar credit for maintaining her American accent throughout.

Where the film suffers, though, is in Channing Tatum (Duke). The guy sounds and emotes about as well as John Cena, only without his sense of humor. Duke was the moral center of the G.I. Joe cartoon, but he’s the live action film’s biggest, dullest liability. Whenever he’s on screen, I could give a shit. But when Snake Eyes jumps around and does ninja stuff, I’m all ears.

As for Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s much-talked about turn as Cobra Commander, I was a little disappointed by his voice and costume. Given that the film is an origin story for Cobra, his initial appearance is OK, but the final unveiling of the Commander’s helmet is really lackluster. That said, while Destro is the main bad guy here, thus denying CC screen time, Gordon-Levitt does get the guy’s mannerisms down pat. If Cobra makes enough money to warrant the sequel which this film hints at, I think he could really grow into the role.

Of course, the movie's special effects blow. I get that CGI makes movies easier to make, but it also causes them to look cheaper. Rise of Cobra had a budget of $170 million, but it looks like a Sci-Fi Channel original movie in parts.

Reflection: I hate it when people get heavy on spoilers in reviews, so forgive me for outlining why G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra borrows liberally from the first X-Men film. Some stuff was going to be unavoidable – like recasting the good guys in tight, black outfits. But the fact that the films begin (origin story of the main villain, followed by the exact same Mystery Science Theater 3000 reference, “In the not too distant future…”) and end (trust me on this one) the same way is a little dubious. Oh yeah, and they both star Ray Park.

Of course, the film most people will compare Joe to is Revenge of the Fallen. And while Joe possesses none of that film’s lows, it certainly doesn’t have its highs either. There isn't a single scene that grabs me quite like when Optimus Prime rips off robots' faces. Duke is supposed to be Joe’s Optimus Prime/Superman/Smokey the Bear, but mostly he just turns chickenshit every time he sees Baroness. Maybe the next movie can just focus on Snake Eyes. In the meantime, Masters of the Universe continues to stand as the best film adaptation of a toy line.

Oh, and can we get a freaking cameo from Sgt. Slaughter next time?