Santa's Slay (2005)

Tagline: Spreading holiday fear this Christmas.

Curiosity: Nick Elmer promised me that professional wrestler Bill Golberg would star as Santa Claus, the murderous son of Satan.

Plot: After a murderous introduction, we learn that Santa (Golberg) loves to kill people regardless of their placement on the naughty/nice list. Meanwhile, teenage delicatessen employee Nicholas Yuleson (Douglas Smith) is trying to navigate the murky depths of romance with Mary (Emilie de Ravin, Lost, Roswell). They eventually bond over the Christmas spirit, or rather the lack of it. Nicholas lives with his grandfather (Robert Culp), and that guy hates Xmas to the max. Like, he wouldn’t even buy Nicholas an Optimus Prime action figure. What a humbugger!

But when Santa starts murderizing strippers, Nicholas realizes that maybe his grandpa wasn’t such a crazy Scrooge after all…

Thoughts: I’ll say it now. Santa’s Slay peaks with its ridiculous opening scene:

Yeah, that’s right; Goldberg just murdered Fran “The Nanny” Drescher and James Caan – mother-hugging Sonny from The Godfather! He survived Misery! Still, this opener is pure comic-horror greatness, and it’s kind of better than the rest of the movie, which gets bogged down in concepts like “plot” and “backstory.”

The film never quite recaptures its madcap magic from the first scene, but it does add some appreciated touches along the way. Santa’s reindeer turn out to be… a demon buffalo thingy? The fate of the world is nearly dictated by… curling? Santa’s origin can be explained by… a Rankin/Bass-style stop-motion animation involving curling?

The script is a bit weak, so it’s up to the cast to carry the material. Golberg is about as good in the title role as one could reasonably expect him to be. Dave Thomas (Strange Brew, SCTV) improbably shows up as an adulterous pastor. The other leads are… good enough OK dot dot dot question mark. Smith comes off as a dick, but that might be inherent in Nicholas’ character. I can’t believe Culp (the original I Spy) is here, but that goes for pretty much the whole cast. de Ravin is solid though, to the point that I’m willing to forget the major deus ex machina ending her character brings about. Still, though, whenever Santa kills people – even non-Christians – I chuckled a bit.

Reflection: Holy crap – according to scholarly source Wikipedia, Golberg met his future wife on the set of Santa’s Slay. Also, I still don’t know how to spell “delicatessen.”