The Angel of Pennsylvania Avenue (1996)

Tagline: This is the first time I’ve been unable to find a tagline for a film. Damn you, cable movie studio RHI Entertainment and your refusal to “sell” your art!

Curiosity: When I was told that President Herbert Hoover (Thomas Peacocke) helps a trio of runaway kids save their father, I naturally assumed it would A) be set in modern times and therefore B) feature Hoover’s ghost in all manner of spoOoOoky Christmas fun. Like, Hoover has to earn his entry into heaven/make up for the Great Depression by helping these kids. It would be great! I was, sadly, wrong on both points. Forever.

Plot: Apparently, Detroit always sucked, as laid off family man Angus Feagan (Robert Urich) has to travel all the way to Kansas City to find work at a factory… just two weeks before Christmas, which I’m told is a very important day. Once he shows up for an interview, though, Angus finds out that the job posting he found was bogus. After a riot, he gets arrested for attacking a factory worker, even though he’s innocent. Back home in Michigan, Angus’ daughter, Bernice (Tegan Moss), freaks the fuck out and sets off for Washington, D.C. with her sister Lilly (Brittney Irvin) and brother asshole Jack (Alexander Pollock). Their mission: Use an emotional appeal to convince President Hoover to pardon their papa.

Thoughts: Setting aside my disappointment over the lack of Ghost-Hoover, The Angel of Pennsylvania Avenue is a mighty piss-poor film. First of all, most of the American characters are portrayed by Canadians! Is this how minorities feel when they watch Alfred Molina? It’s weird, man. Plus, Hoover – the supposed angel of Pennsylvania Ave. – is only in the film for like five, maybe 10 minutes. Furthermore, there are so many times these kids should’ve died. My gosh, how did they avoided having their organs harvested for the black market, I don’t know.

Ah, but here’s my biggest complaint: Jack. Fuck that kid. In the great tradition of asshole boys, Jack doesn’t really seem to care much about his father’s wellbeing. When Bernice and Lilly hatch their plan to save their dad, he nearly sells them out to their mother (Diana Scarwid) out of spite because they want him to stay home. They allow him to come along, but for a second there, he almost condemns his father to hell. HELL! Later, he forces his siblings to stop their frantic journey to save Angus so he can watch a puppet show. What a gosh dang asshole.

Also of note: As it turns out, The Angel of Pennsylvania Avenue is loosely based on a true story – Bernice Feagan was a real girl who really asked the real President Hoover to really pardon her real father. The only difference is that A) she wrote him a letter instead of running away from home, B) Hoover responded right away because he saw the pardon as a publicity stunt, which was greatly needed given that he might have helped ruin the country, C) her dad’s name was actually Charles, and D) he sorta kinda maybe was arrested for car theft. But whatever! It’s uplifting! Lift!

Reflection: I love Christmas films that only vaguely explain why I should care about Christmas, so in that regard, I guess The Angel of Pennsylvania Avenue is a success.