Death Bed: The Bed That Eats (1977-ish)

Tagline: Lost horror film of the seventies.

Curiosity: Patton Oswalt had a great bit about this previously unreleased ’70s cult horror film on Werewolves and Lollipops.

Plot: So, there’s this Death Bed. It eats. It’ll eat anything – apples, fried chicken, PEOPLE. This is because the bed is possessed by an evil force thanks to demon blood. And people keep sleeping in this bed and getting eaten. Just constant death bedding for about a century. We know this thanks to narration provided by a British guy whose soul became trapped in a painting after he was eaten by the Death Bed.

Thoughts: Death Bed isn’t as bad as its reputation would suggest. That doesn’t necessarily make it good, but it displays fleeting moments on genius that defy its low budget, amateur roots. Here’s where the film gets things right: Director/writer George Barry actually thought about how a Death Bed would eat people. The result is like a venus flytrap; the Death Bed captures people and then dissolves them with acidic ooze.

Here’s where he gets it wrong: Just about everything else is terrible and hammy. The dissolvent makes sense; having the Death Bed make chewing sounds is stupid. Sure, it’s campy, but it also doesn’t make any sense, darn it. Also nonsensical: No one reacts when bad things happen to other people. Oh sure, people scream when they get eaten by the Death Bed. But when a character’s hands get dissolved when he tries stabbing the mattress monster, his sister doesn’t react at all. His hands are nothing but bones and she doesn’t say shit. What a jerk.

There is one lengthy scene where Barry perfectly captures the thrills and chills of horror movies, though. One female character almost escapes the Death Bed, and there’s a lengthy sequence where she attempts dragging her bloody, broken body out of the room. I’m sure Barry made the scene so long so he could eat up the running time (Even with all the padding and lengthy narration, Death Bed is still only 80 minutes long), but there’s something simultaneously titillating and uncomfortable about watching this character crawl, futilely, across the floor and up a set of stairs before ultimately being claimed by the Death Bed. Horror offers a degree voyeurism, and this scene puts the viewer right there.

But then, Death Bed also has funny/bad special effects and relies on narration to overexplain important plot points only to jam in an elaborate, unearned ending. Movies shouldn’t have this tough of a time showing instead of telling, but Barry seems to actively loathe writing dialogue when a British narrator will do.

Reflection: Glad I saw it. I’m sorry I paid for it.

Harry and the Hendersons (1987)

Tagline: According to science, Bigfoot doesn’t exist.

Curiosity: John Lithgow and Sasquatch battle crime!

Plot: Avid hunter George Henderson (Lithgow) and his family “accidentally” hit a strange creature on their way home from a camping trip. Upon discovering that it’s none other than the legendary Bigfoot (Kevin Peter Hall), George decides to bring the corpse home with him FOR SCIENCE.

Later that day, however, the corpse, now dubbed Harry, returns for revenge upon Seattle. A French… maybe French-Canadian hunter (David Suchet) stalks Bigfoot, much to George’s chagrin. Having learned that hunting is bad, George begins shouting a pro-vegetarian message to anyone who will listen.

Thoughts: Released in 1987, Harry and the Hendersons might be one of the most influential films on my childhood. At 25, I realize that this might be the film that introduced me to the fine art of saying everything “sucks.” It also possibly buried an animal rights/vegetarian agenda in my subconscious, which didn’t manifest itself until high school.

I also think the movie just warped the way I perceive cinema. On its surface, Harry and the Hendersons is a delightful, family friendly romp. But there are certain scenes that lend it a more adult-oriented air. There’s a surprising amount of profanity, for one. There’s also a scene between Harry and George’s daughter Sarah (Margaret Langrick) that haunts me. Harry brings Sarah flowers [Side note: When trying to determine Harry’s gender, Sarah is the only one to point out Harry’s massive dong]. When she smiles at his gift, Harry gently puts his hand on the side of her face… and knocks flying to the ground with a loud thud. It’s so violent and random. And that thud really pops. In my head, I pretend Harry straight up pulled an Of Mice and Men on Sarah, but that’s maybe too dark. Anyway, animal rights. That’s cool.

I now find myself well-stocked on Harry and the Hendersons stories. Did you know Harry (Hall) also played the Predator? And that he died of complications from HIV? Rick Baker (An American Werewolf in London, Star Wars: A New Hope, Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video, and, um, Norbit) designed Harry. He won a fucking Oscar for that shit. The film was adapted for TV. The show ran for three seasons. Harry murdered several characters throughout the show’s 72-episode run. I find clips of the show oddly compelling:





Reflection: I forgot to talk about George’s adorably nerdy son Ernie (Joshua Rudoy)! He’s so cute!

House (1977)

Tagline: HOUSE!

Curiosity: It’s acknowledged as being an insane, weird movie. So, there’s that. And it’s endorsed by noted SNC sex symbol Ti West.

Plot: Unhappy with her father’s decision to remarry, Gorgeous (Kimiko Ikegami) goes with six of her friends to visit her aunt in the country. But then her house starts doing some crazy-ass shit, man.

Thoughts: Oh. Oh… wow. House lives up to its reputation for being a strange flick. It’s not necessarily gory or disturbing. But it is extremely surreal, made with a low tech sensibility that actually makes it stand out. Star Wars needs constant upkeep; House will always look like a feverish dream. In his introduction to the film, West notes that director/co-writer Nobuhiko Obayashi utilizes every possible camera and special effect available. And it’s completely true.

While Obayashi was always an experimental artist at heart, for a while he made his living doing commercials. Weirdly enough, that helped create House’s sensibility, as the film conveys plenty through mood and setting. When Gorgeous’ step-mom-to-be shows up onscreen, her every move is greeted with a soft focus lens, generous lighting, and copious amounts of air to billow her skirt and scarf. She looks like an angelic movie star; no wonder Gorgeous hates her.

The film is unabashedly hyperactive and bipolar. Obayashi’s background allows him to make everything bright and loud. He jumps from comedy to drama to horror in seconds. The result is not necessarily a true horror movie, but it’s an appealing experimental effort, one that forces the audience to draw its own conclusions. It can be frightening if you want it to be, but I honestly took it as a black comedy, a darker Looney Tunes short. You can find it stupid if you want (One character is killed by a piano, another by pillows), but it’s honestly a hilariously creepy viewing experience.

Reflection: I want to see where Obayashi went from here.

Tango & Cash (1989)

Tagline: Two of L.A.'s top rival cops are going to have to work together... Even if it kills them.

Curiosity: Kurt Russell’s movies in the ’80s were feckin’ awesome.

Plot: Rivals Tango (Sylvester Stallone) and Cash (Russell) are the two top cops in L.A.s, costing drug lords millions of dollars each year. Criminal mastermind Perret (Jack Palance) has big plans for them though: Frame them for murder and then ship ’em off to prison. But Perret wasn’t counting on Tango and Cash becoming partners, Odd Couple-style, and the duo soon breaks out and gets to bustin’ skulls.

Also Cash macks on Tango’s sister (Teri Hatcher), who is both a stripper and a drummer. The ’80s were weird.

Thoughts: Tango & Cash feels like it could have been an awesome ’80s cop show, if only because the script forces in so many angles while still being merely a good Lethal Weapon rip-off. As is, it doesn’t seem totally sure what it wants to be: A pre-CSI tech drama, a screwball comedy, a sexy sex party, or a rootin’, tootin’ action flick. I know the beauty of the buddy cop genre is that it can mash up a bunch of different styles, but T&C doesn’t develop any one particular idea, leaving me with plenty of questions, such as…

-Why does Teri Hatcher work a stripper who plays drums?

-How do Kurt Russell’s gun-boots work? If I had boots that shot bullets when I kicked, I would use them ALL OF THE TIME. Even in my sleep.

-What other kind of freaky deaky masochistic shit is Stallone into?

-What’s Jack Palance’s deal? With the mice? What’s up with that?

-Why do the characters speak almost exclusively in one-liners?

-How come no one notices that when Kurt Russell disguises himself in a dress, he still looks exactly like Kurt Russell in a dress? What is this, Looney Tunes?

T&C asks more questions than it answers. Still, I got my fill of Kurt Russell. Stallone gets stuck playing straight man most of the time, but Russell is, well, classic Russell: Cash is kind of insane and loud and passionate and he has fucking GUN-BOOTS.

Reflection: Holy shit, that's Robert Z'Dar from Soultaker!!

Cobra (1986)

Tagline: Crime is a disease. Meet the cure.

Curiosity: It came bundled with Tango & Cash. Also, did you know that it’s star/writer Sylvester Stallone’s adaptation of Beverly Hills Cop?

Plot: Marion Cobretti (Stallone) has a ridiculously lame name, so he opts to go by “Cobra.” Dude is a lone wolf cop from the “zombie squad.” He takes the jobs no one wants, man, and he gets results, dammit. He blows away criminals while saying things like “This where the law stops and I start!” But there’s one crook he can’t blow: The Night Slasher (Brian Thompson, Luke from season one of Buffy the Vampire Slayer!!).

But when TNS leaves a witness (Brigitte Nieslen), Cobra must protect/make-out with her, in the name of street justice!

Thoughts: While I love a few of his movies, I have a tough time embracing Sylvester Stallone. Don’t get me wrong, I love the Rocky series and all, but the guy’s movies reek of calculation, whereas a picture from Dolph Lundgren or Arnold Schwarzenegger will almost definitely come packed with giddy thrills. In Cobra, Stallone goes out of his way to craft a badass character with potential to launch a franchise, and generally fails.

Let’s get this out of the way: I mildly liked Cobra. I was surprised that Nielsen could act, as I only know her really from The Surreal Life (and Rocky 4: Smashin’ Communism!, of course). Ironically, the comedy was strong too, thanks in large part to the banter between Stallone and Reni Santoni as Sergeant Gonzales. They just riff back and forth about food for no reason. Hi-larious!

But all the parts where Stallone tries to make Cobra out to be tougher than Rambo feel over the top, and mind you this was the best decade for movies like that. Cobra dresses all in black. He kills criminals with a minimum of 20 bullets. And he totally doesn’t care about parking restrictions. BAD. ASS.

Thompson, meanwhile, gets saddled with a villain so poorly defined that he was nowhere to go but up. The Night Slasher is apparently part of some sort of ax cult, we never learn what’s up with that. Still, he gets a chunk of lines near the end where he gets to just be all types of crazy/scary, and he kills it.

In fact, that bit of dialogue is probably the only legitimately unnerving moment. Cobra attempts to play like a slasher movie, but it’s completely gore-free. Considering it came out the same year as Aliens, From Beyond, and The Fly, I don’t understand why the film didn’t push for a harder R rating. Hell, the lone sex scene isn’t even a scene; merely a jump cut. Cobra is cartoonishly violent in a way that only eight-year-olds with lenient parents could love.

Reflection: I can’t believe this movie made $188 million in theaters. Anyway, here’s the ending:

Ninja Bachelor Party (1991)

Tagline: Let’s do it! Let’s be ninjas!

Curiosity: It’s the only film starring stand-up legend Bill Hicks, available commercially for the first time on The Essential Collection.

Plot: Clarence (Kevin Booth) is a Robitussin addict looking to kick the habit and pick up ninjitsu. His parents don’t approve, his girlfriend leaves him, and he gets his ass kicked a lot. But one day, during a Robi-trip, he sees a vision: Travel to Korea to study the way of the ninja with Master (Hicks).

Then he gets his ass kicked some more.

Thoughts: While its plot is thin and its production value poor, Ninja Bachelor Party is the kind of low budget curio that I can’t deny. It helps if you’re a Hicks convert (I agree that he’s the father of alt-comedy, but he represents the style’s shortcomings as well as its successes), but it should appeal to fans of weird comedy.

At the same time, though, it’s a legitimate love letter to martial arts movies complete with several training montages. I’m not going to put it in the same league as Black Dynamite, because Michael Jai White is a way better filmmaker, but the final showdown between Clarence and Dr. Death (Hicks, in a dual-role) is much longer than you’d think, and they get in at least a handful of legitimate fighting moves. Granted, Ninja Bachelor Party took eight years (and only $5,000) to make, and it certainly looks like it, but it’s still a solidly entertaining flick.

Essentially, you get Hicks and Booth riffing into a microphone. Rapid fire one-liners mix with stranger comedy, like when the film opens with 10 anti-piracy warnings and closes with enough made-up credits to eat up one-sixth of the running time. I love it because A) it’s funny in a “What the hell?” sense and B) it shows that Hicks was more than just f-bombs and Goat Boy sex stories. My favorite comedians didn’t hit their stride until their thirties (See Patton Oswalt, Tina Fey, etc.), and I think Ninja Bachelor Party hints at the truly odd depths Hicks could have gone if he’d lived longer. His stand-up material is still pretty good, but I honestly think Party could have lead to something greater.

Reflection: …or maybe it’s just a better-than-average home movie. You tell me:

Season of the Witch (2011)

Tagline: This January raise some hell.

Curiosity: Witches get stitches, courtesy of Nicolas Cage (Wicker Man) and Ron Perlman (Alien Resurrection), as well as a bunch of awesome movies with Guillermo del Toro).

Plot: Behman (Cage) and Felson (Perlman) fight in the crusades for years. Like a decade. But when they’re forced to kill women and/or children this one time during their decade o’ slaughtering, Behman freaks the fuck out and quits. The Church hates defectors, though, so the duo is soon arrested. They are offered a pardon on one condition: Deliver a young girl believed to be a witch (Claire Foy) to a monastery for judgment, in the hopes it will help end the plague ravaging Europe.

CGI wolves come into play at some point.

Thoughts: Season of the Witch is a revision or two from being the best movie of the year. Cage and Perlman turn the movie into a buddy cop picture that just so happens to be set in the Dark Ages, while Foy gets to project such a wide array of states, from predator to prey. The movie doesn’t do much with the “Is she or isn’t she a witch?” angle, but Foy at least makes the procedure bearable with range. Cast-wise, this movie is about as good as it can be.

Where Witch falters is in budget and dialogue. I think that, given another $10 million or so, the fight scenes could pop a little more. The CGI could be crisper. And maybe the same sets wouldn’t seem so obviously re-used as the characters travel from one locale to the next. Script-wise, the movie needs a better sense of humor – Cage and Perlman play off each other really well, but they don’t get much to work with.

The script is perhaps too single-minded in its approach that it forgets to add more flavor, hence the underwhelming dialogue. It also occasionally cuts corners and allows characters to reach conclusions well before they should have. Case in point: The girl uses illusions to trick a guy into falling on the sword of a knight-in-training that I like to call Sir Fuck Up (Robert Sheehan). The goody guys figure out that she did it right away, and they’re right, but if I was in the scene, I would just assume that Sir Fuck Up done fucked up. I can’t see the illusions, but I sure as fuck can numb nuts get all stabby-stabby with his sword. That kid fails so hard so often.

Still, the movie moves a nice pace, has some cool fight scenes, and features a cast that honestly deserves better material. Season of the Witch is sub-Lord of the Rings fare, but it’s still better than most. I can think of three movies named Season of the Witch. This is arguably the best of them.

Reflection: In true LotR fashion, the movie also ends three times before finally ending. Christ.