The Monster Squad (1987)

Tagline: Wolfman’s got nards! This isn’t really the tagline. But is arguably the most awesome, recognizable quote from the movie. So there.

Curiosity: It’s another cult classic from my childhood.

Plot: The film opens on Transylvania in the year 1887, in which Abraham Van Helsing (Jack Gwillim) attempts to use a magical gem open a portal to Limbo and rid the world of Dracula forever. He blows it. Fastforward to Anytown, U.S.A. Best friends Sean (Andre Grower) and Patrick (Robby Kiger) are obsessed with monster movies, so much so that they have a Monster Club dedicated to all things spooky and/or scary. While Sean’s sister Phoebe (Ashley Bank) isn’t allowed in, the club does include the hi-larious Horace/“Fat Kid” (Brent Chalem), the adorable Eugene (Michael Faustino), and the totally rebellious Rudy (Ryan Lambert). Rudy wears a leather jacket and smokes, and he’s only in junior high!

*Swoon*

But then shit gets significantly more real, paradoxically through the arrival of Dracula (Duncan Regehr), Frankenstein’s Monster (Tom Noonan), the Creature from the Black Lagoon (Tom Woodruff Jr.), the Mummy (Michael MacKay), and the Wolfman (Carl Thibault). Van Helsing’s followers hid the power to open Limbo in the New World, a.k.a. the motha-lickin’ United States of Awesome. Dracula wants up ons. Since stupid adults are being all “Divorce cigarettes McTaxes,” it’s up the rechristened Monster Squad, and their neighbor Scary German Guy (Leonardo Cimino), to kick some vampire butt.

Thoughts: Top three Squad members:

1. Rudy: HE WEARS A LEATHER JACKET AND SMOKES. But he’s not just a pretty boy. Oh no, Rudy is resourceful, making his own stakes and silver bullets in Shop class. He kills the most monsters, and yet he isn’t afraid to show his own emotions. In a world gone mad, he is but a simple guy with the courage to stand up for good.

2. Horace: He gets pretty much all of the good lines. The “nards” line is the best, although “Scary German Guy is bitchin’!” is pretty great too.

3. Eugene: There’s a running bit about how Eugene is the kid that things keep happening to. The Mummy shows up in his closet. The Creature steals his Twinkie. He writes a letter to “Dear Army Guys” asking for help fighting the monsters, and they actually show up! Through his small economy of words, Eugene is perhaps the biggest motivator for change.

The Monster Squad is refreshingly dark for a children’s movie. Dracula kills people. Wolfman gets blown the heck up only to rise again. Profanity and smoking are common. People actually talk to their kids about divorce. Of course, there are some bad ideas thrown in there, like the ’80s soundtrack. Or that time Phoebe’s mom (Mary Ellen Trainer) lets her sleep with a lit candle next to her bed to ward off monsters. I feel like that would end in FIRE EVERYWHERE.

Reflection: When Scary German Guy makes a comment about knowing a lot about monsters, followed by the camera zooming in on his concentration camp tattoo? SO HEAVY.