Tagline: They’ve saved the best trip for last... but this time they may have gone too far.
Curiosity: It wraps all those crappy loose ends from Back to the Future Part II… plus cowboys!
Plot: It looks like Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) might be trapped in 1955 after Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) and the DeLorean time machine are struck by lightning and sent off to an unknown period. Turns out Doc got sent to 1885, found he liked the place, and left the busted DeLorean hidden for Marty to find 70 years later via written instructions. Marty and ’55 Brown find the car alright, but they also learn something else – ’85 Doc was murdered just a few days after writing Marty that letter by Biff Tannen’s ancestor, Buford “Mad Dog” Tannen (Thomas F. Wilson). Determined to save his buddy, Marty travels back… TO THE PAST! Where there’s cowboying!
Also Doc Brown gets some lady time.
Thoughts: Part III is a strong enough finale that I begrudgingly say it validates Part II. With fewer locales to time warp to, the film is able to focus on its chosen period, much like the original. There are also fewer make-up effects to put up with, so everybody looks good. The story is a lot stronger too. Too many events happen in Part II in order to move the story along, not because of characters’ actual actions. The “nobody calls me chicken” subplot from Part II that forces Marty to act like a dangerous idiot anytime somebody makes fun of him (funny how that never came up in the first movie) gets handled a little bit more smoothly too.
Also, it’s just straight up funnier. Wilson was the weak link in Part II; he had to essentially play the same character three different ways, so he ended up exaggerating their differences too much. Plus, as “Mad Dog,” he’s allowed to really show off his comedic chops, something Wilson has always excelled at.
Of course, the film also takes its Oedipal complex to its queasy conclusion, having Fox and Lea Thompson finally hook up as Marty’s ancestors, Seamus and Maggie McFly. What a motherfucker.
Reflection: While it gets sketchy after the first film, I’m pretty stoked on owning the Back to the Future trilogy. And now I can watch Huey Lewis and The News’ “Power of Love” and ZZ Tops’ “Doubleback” whenever I want!
Tagline: Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads!
Curiosity: It’s a sequel to one of the greatest sci-fi/comedies of all time, and picks up seamlessly where the original left off. Surely nothing could go wrong.
Plot: The morning after he successfully returns to 1985 following the events of Back to the Future, Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) jumps through time again, into the year 2015 with his science buddy Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd) and girlfriend Sleepy (Elizabeth Shue, Adventures in Babysitting AND Karate Kid). Turns out Marty and Sleepy’s kids suck, and Doc Brown has a plan to fix that. No, it doesn’t involve taking a hooker to prom or taking off those dorky glasses. Rather, Doc has Marty impersonate his son, Marty Jr., in order to prevent Griff, grandson of Biff (both played by Thomas F. Wilson) from getting him thrown into prison. It works, but Sleepy falls asleep and gets carted off to Future Marty’s house. Biff steals the DeLorean and makes some adjustments to the timeline.
Then shit gets fucked.
Thoughts: Holy crap this movie sucks. It sucks worse than Marty’s shitty kids suck. Wow. Writer/director Robert Zemeckis has said he never wanted to make a sequel, and it kinda shows. Part II takes the old Hollywood strategy of repeating a movie’s formula for sequels (“different, but the same”) to heart, literally recreating the most iconic moments from the first film, but in a lame attempt to be all “Everything is connected and cyclical and we are one lick me!” Even with a budget twice the size of Back to the Future, Part II actually manages to look worse, thanks to its reliance on awful prosthetic make-up to make the principal cast look older (or, in the case of Marlene McFly, girlier). Oh yeah, and they wrote out Crispin Glover but hired someone else (Jeffrey Weissman) to play George McFly, with some Crispin enhancements tacked on. Throw in a convoluted time-jumping plot, twists that don’t make sense, and an especially bogus ending, and Part II is kind of like the Matrix Reloaded of its day – a louder, dumber follow-up to a truly original classic.
Yet I found Part II interesting for reasons that have little to do with enjoying the movie or its plot. I thought the hoverboards looked cool, and it’s funny that Zemeckis’ joke about them being real persists as an urban legend today. Part II kicks the Oedipal relationship between Marty and his mom (Lea Thompson) up a notch by having her be extra-chesty for a scene. I liked how Fox dresses in drag for what amounted to a bit part. If this were an Eddie Murphy or Mike Myers movie, that would've been a key plot point, most likely coupled with fart noises. But my favorite element was the story behind George McFly’s portrayal in the sequel.
When Glover asked for more money than the producers were willing pay, it was decided that they’d just use a combination of old footage and unfocused shots of Weissman to replace him. Given that George’s most prominent scene is as an old man in 2015, Weissman looks about as much as George with all that horrendous make-up on as Glover probably would have. Decades before CGI was developed enough that people could start debating about the ethicality of replacing actors with special effects (a la, say, Arnold Brownschwagger’s cameo in Terminator: Salvation, or that shitty commercial where an actor dressed like Albert Einstein endorsed Pepsi. God, fuck Pepsi forever, always digging up famous dead people why I aughta…), Zemeckis and co. pulled that very trick on Glover. Pissed that they used his likeness to make the movie without paying him a cent, Glover sued Universal Studios. The Screen Actors Guild has since added a clause stating that studios and networks have to compensate actors for derivative (recycling, faking) use of their work/likenesses, which I think is fair. Also, knowing that this issue was resolved like 20 years ago makes the CGI debate a lot less interesting.
Reflection: Actually, Back to the Future Part II is more like Star Trek III: The Search for Spock (also starring Christopher Lloyd!). It’s not that great on its own, but it bridges the gap between two way better movies.
Tagline: He’s the only kid ever to get into trouble before he was born.
Curiosity: It’s a sci-fi classic… and I’ll be honest, I’m really only writing about it on account of Back to the Future Part II, a legitimately bad movie that actually deserves to be discussed here.
Plot: Marty McFly (Michael J. Fox) is your typical teenager – he loves rock ‘n’ roll, making out with his girlfriend, and hanging out with the local mad scientist, Doc Brown (Christopher Lloyd). Brown invites him out late one night to show off his latest invention, a DeLorean car which he has converted into a time machine. It’s kinda cool and it works, but there’s a big problem: It’s nuclear-powered. This is a problem because the good doctor obtained the plutonium needed to generate 1.21 gigawatts from terrorists who thought he was going to use it to make a bomb. When they realize they’ve been ripped off, the terrorists politely march on over to Doc Brown and shoot him a bunch of times. Marty escapes in the time machine to 1955, where he accidentally prevents his parents from falling in love. Dude’s some problems to resolve, including, but not limited to:
Get the time machine to return him to the present (1985), which I suppose would be considered the future in 1955. So, if you wanted to be succinct, I reckon you could say “back to the future,” were you so inclined. Yes, if you were.
Get his parents to fall in love, thereby ensuring his continued existence.
Save Doc Brown’s life.
INVENT THE BEATLES.
Thoughts: Twenty-five years later, Back to the Future still holds up. Sure, some of the special effects look dated, especially that iconic shot of Marty and Doc standing in the DeLorean’s flame trail. Oh, and, uh, the Oedipal complex between Marty and his mom (Lea Thompson) in the ’50s is fucking weird. Part of is the believability. Thompson plays it like a straight, innocent seduction since her character doesn’t realize that Marty is her son from the future while Fox ups the creepiness by being mostly freaked out with a slight dash of acknowledgement that his mom was hot back in the day. It’s gross, doubly so after watching the deleted scenes.
But get past the ick factor, and Back to the Future is a funny sci-fi/comedy/period piece. Fox, Lloyd, and Thompson are all stellar in their parts, as are Crispin Glover as George McFly, Marty’s dad, and Philadelphia native Thomas F. Wilson as Biff Tannen, who bullies George. Both actors throw themselves into the parts, with Glover apparently inventing most of George’s characteristics on the fly. Sadly, Glover’s demands for a pay raise on the sequels excluded him from the other installments; although Wilson went on to do the whole trilogy, with mixed results.
Reflection: The original Back to the Future is a damn funny movie, and the strongest part of the trilogy. I’m so original in my thinking.
Tagline: This New Year’s, you’re invited to a killer party…
Curiosity: It’s a horror movie about punk rockers… from the original punk era!
Plot: In a twist that completely removes the punk element from the film, Diane Sullivan (Roz Kelly) is the host of a New Year’s evil special called New Year’s Evil, with music supplied by a really shitty hair metal band dressed up like a punk band. In a second twist, a mysterious caller promises to kill someone at midnight for every time zone, culminating in Diane’s own death!
In a truly bold third twist, we learn like 10 seconds later that the mystery guy is Diane’s husband, Richard (Kip Niven). He dons a series of disguises – including a fake mustache! – to con desperate middle aged women into making out with… HIS STABBIN’ KNIFE!
In a way more interesting, way less explained subplot, their son, Derek (Grant Cramer), obsesses over getting his mommy to love him, dresses up in women’s clothing, and mutilates himself. None of this is ever explained or explored further.
Thoughts: For a shitty, terrible, awful, stupid movie, New Year’s Evil wasn’t half-bad. In fact, I probably would’ve liked it more without the faux-punk angle. See, the music/lifestyle barely plays into the story, and given that the filmmakers chose a bunch of crappy songs that don’t even fit into the genre, it’s just distracting. It’s punksploitation, and I am offended. Outraged! Morally put upon, even!
Also interesting: There is no attempt to conceal Richard’s identity, plus the final reveal of why he’s trying to kill his wife is so lame that any air of mystery goes right out the window. There’s very little tension as he anonymously picks up one horny, lonely lady after another. It’s actually rather sad. Most horror movies dispatch naked, promiscuous teens; New Year’s Evil prefers to destroy single, working class ladies.
Reflection: Between this and Quincy, M.E., it must’ve sucked to see punks on screens of various sizes and ratios. Thank God London Calling, Los Angeles, and End of the Century dropped the same year (in the U.S. anyway).
Plot: Joe Linwood (Ted DiBiase Jr.) is out doing typical Marine work, like killing drug cartel terrorist puppy-haters dead, when he kinda maybe sorta gets a kid blown up. Always the selfless gentleman soldier, Linwood succeeds in shooting bad guys a bunch of times, thinking about the dead kid like once, and then taking a vacation with his wife Robin (Lara Cox). But then – TWIST!!! – terrorists take over the hotel they’re staying at and kidnap Robin. Utilizing his Marine instincts – and a few tips from island local Church (Michael Rooker) – Linwood just might shoot some more bad guys.
Thoughts: Unlike its predecessor, The Marine 2 is a film I appreciate more in theory. It’s more cerebral, if you prefer (not unlike original Marine star John Cena’s follow-up, 12 Rounds). It’s also hard watching the sequel without thinking about what Marine director John Bonito would’ve done. Both films open with a prologue of their respective Marines out and about, but where the original cuts to the chase (literally) ASAP, with violence and humor along the way, The Marine 2 dawdles, first by focusing way too much on that dead kid from the beginning. Let’s be clear; killing kids sucks, but director Roel Reiné (who’s helming the Death Race sequel) lingers on the corpse and then never comes back to it. Not to get all movie critic-y, but the prologue has jack shit to do with the rest of the story. The incident with the kid never affects Linwood during the main story, nor does he reuse any of the fighting skills exhibited. The prologue offers his abilities as a sniper; the main story highlights him as a hand-to-hand combatant. Clumsy line readings and "Inspired by a true story" taglines don't help.
But the film does have some strengths. I won’t say I prefer them to The Marine overall, but The Marine 2 possesses enough redeeming qualities for me to justify owning it. DiBiase 2.0 is by no means a master thespian, but he gets way more to do than Cena, both in terms of dialogue and action. Cena was good for some wrestling moves; DiBiase actually engages in decently long takes of martial arts. Sure, those fight scenes are a little sloppy, but DiBiase still holds his own and even kicks a guy’s head through a wall. After watching the behind-the-scenes featurettes, I now know that he really did that too (no, thank you, Thailand). Much like Bonito’s love of using real explosions, Reiné tried to keep the fight scenes as realistic as possible. Also, Linwood is actually a Marine for the entire movie, which just seems more appropriate given the title.
Reflection: The Marine 3 should team up John Triton and Joe Linwood. Just sayin’.
SNC superfan Nicholas Charles Elmer talked me out of dumping verbal poopies all over the six Star Wars movies (and those two Ewoks movies, which I actually have fond memories of now that I think about it...), but when something like this comes yr way, ya have to wonder why. What kind of God would allow this? I can allow Star Wars disco. I can allow crappy C-3PO dances. But I will not abide the French touching Star Wars. Fuck that shit.
Tagline: I’M A MARINE! [Note: This is not the real tagline.]
Curiosity: My roommates and I saw the trailer so many times that we figured, what the hey, let’s grab some Cinnabon and catch a flick about one Marine’s quest to be all types of Mariney.
Plot: In a bold opening scene, Marine John Triton (John Cena) saves some of his compatriots from terrorists using only his wits. And guns. And fire! But in a surprise twist (the first of many!), the government can’t handle how awesome Triton is at saving/murderizing and discharges him. Heartbroken, Triton settles for a life of thoroughly boning his wife Kate (Nip/Tuck’s Kelly Carlson) and being a security guard. When the guard part doesn’t work, the two decide to focus on humping full time (40+ hours a week, with sexy benefits!).
MEANWHILE…
The T-1000 (Robert Patrick) and his merry gang of ethnic bad guys steal like 10 diamonds. Maybe 11. And they blow up stuff. A LOT OF STUFF. They do so much damage with rocket launchers and guns that you’d think they’d want to steal more diamonds. Go for a baker’s dozen or something. So, they’re on the run.
MEANWHILE…
The Tritons stop at a gas station.
MEANWHILE…
The T-1000 and his evil yet hilarious pals stop at a gas station.
And then strong words are exchanged.
Thoughts: I’m not sure what my friends and I really expected when we went to see The Marine. It was one of those “Wouldn’t it be funny if we did this?” ideas, the kind that shouldn’t work out when you actually follow through. But got-damn is The Marine awesome. It’s the best action film of the decade. No wait, the best film of the decade overall.
The film never drags. Every line of dialogue and every scene serves a purpose. THE EXPLOSIONS ARE MOSTLY REAL. I’ve seen some pretty bloated action films lately; the economy of director John Bonito’s film is staggering. It’s such a tight bundle of punching. He gets the most out of his actors too. I’ll be honest; Cena seems like a great guy, but his acting is kinda flat. Much like John Carpenter and Rowdy Roddy Piper in They Live, Bonito focuses on Cena’s strengths: stunts, shirtlessness, not talking. Cena doesn’t look like a guy who could star in The Two Gentleman of Verona or anything, but he does pull off jumping out of an exploding, bullet-ridden car convincingly.
Other cast members stand out better – the T-1000 is an atypical charming/crazy terrorist bad guy familiar to fans of The Dark Knight or Die Hard, with one exception – he’s not really all that charming, which makes the character doubly interesting. Viewers get a bad guy who isn’t nearly as good as he thinks he is, as his only real power against Triton is the distance between them. Carlson shows real fire as Mrs. Triton. She turns out be to just as tough as the title character, as she matches wits with the T-1000 and fists with the T-1000’s girlfriend (Abigail Bianca).
Also, the explosions are mostly real. Bonito really did blow up that gas station. Hell. Yes.
Reflection: No seriously, this was a good movie. Hey. Hey!
Oh man, all this talking about decent movies is giving me me a headache. Time to watch some John Cena movies, STAT!
Top 50 Movies of the Decade, #10-1
10. Coraline (2009)
It’s a gorgeous stop-motion fantasy film about a girl’s battle against a soul-sucking demon. Also, Bruno Coulais’ score is magical. So there!
9. Clerks II (2006)
It’s been rough for Kevin Smiths fans in the new millennium. Judd Apatow stole the guy’s thunder as the new hooker with a heart of gold, although I’ve found Smith’s films still have merit (Even Jersey Girl, which people seemed to actively hate for being nice). His strongest outing in the aughts returned to the Clerks well for an update on Randall (Jeff Anderson) and Dante (Brian O’Halloran). This time around, Smith brought the same sense of maturity he tried out on Jersey Girl. Sure, there’s still plenty of gross-out humor and monologues about Star Wars, but weightier topics like aging, maturity, and what it means to stay stuck in the service industry. While the running time is a bit tight, Clerks II comprises Smith’s various qualities – the hater, the goofball, and the romantic.
8. Forgetting Sarah Marshall (2008)
The kids from the late, lamented Freaks and Geeks have done A-OK. None has done better than Nick Andropolis himself, Jason Segel. Dude’s put in great work on projects like Undeclared, SLC Punk, and Knocked Up. His crowning cinematic achievement has been Forgetting Sarah Marshall, which he both wrote and starred in. It’s a break-up movie – Segel gets dumped, tries to move on, and comedic hijinks ensues, all in the beautiful state of Hawaii. Segel has always been a loveable goofball, and the film draws heavily from his life, from the embarrassing break-ups to the passion for Muppets. This is my favorite feel-good movie.
7. Wall-E (2008)
Over the last 15 years, Pixar has established itself as the boldest and best source of family films. The studio consistently turns out strong features that appeal to kids, but present a sophistication that appeals to adults as well. The company’s boldest film to date has been Wall-E. Pixar movies are dependable for A) magical characters and B) shitty humans, and Wall-E takes B to the extreme. In the distant future, mankind has gone to the stars, leaving Earth a total dump. Robots called Wall-E units were left behind to clean the planet up. Most, if not all, of them have broken down, but one kindly unit with a passion for antiques and musicals remains. The film follows his relatively dialogue-free adventures, including his exploits with love robo-interest EVE. Wall-E has a stern environmentalist message, but it’s also a pretty sweet love story between two ’bots. It was a gamble for the studio to try something so experimental on children, but it paid off. This is my favorite romantic movie. For serious.
6. The Royal Tenenbaums (2001)
Of all the films I’m willing to watch should they show up on TV, The Royal Tenenbaums is the one I have dropped everything for. The story of Royal Tenenbaum’s (Gene Hackman) quest to ingratiate himself to his ex-wife (Angelica Houston) and three ex-prodigy children (Ben Stiller, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Luke Wilson), it’s perhaps director/co-writer Wes Anderson’s funniest film this decade, with crack comic timing from the leads, as well as co-star/co-writer Own Wilson, Danny Glover, and Billy Murray. The humor is dry, even smug at times, of course, but it never gets so self-absorbed that it forgets it emotional core. When I say I set aside whatever I’m doing to watch The Royal Tenenbaums on TV, I really mean I try to make it at least to Luke Wilson’s suicide scene. It’s so beautifully shot, and such a messed up culmination of one of the film’s subplots. I get a bit of a J.D. Salinger vibe watching this movie, a la Nine Stories or Franny and Zooey, which is always appreciated. It’s hard to pick my favorite director of the decade – Chris Nolan, Edgar Wright, and Peter Jackson are all on the short list – but Anderson is definitely a contender.
5. Peter Jackson's "The Lord of the Rings Trilogy" (2001-2003)
In high school, my supreme dorky dedication was not to Star Trek, Star Wars, or, uh, Battlefield Earth. It was to Lord of the Rings (OK and Buffy the Vampire Slayer). While The Fellowship of the Ring is the only entry I have no issue with whatsoever (Director Peter Jackson made a mistake attaching The Two Towers’ cliffhanger ending to The Return of the King), the trilogy was just so got-damned epic. I’d been a fan of the books, but the films streamlined the tale of one group’s efforts to destroy a ring so powerful that it will allow some floating eye named Sauron to conquer the world. This is a big deal. Appropriately, ever scene is huge – my favorites include the battle at Helm’s Deep, in which Frodo (Elijah Wood) and company encounter the Balrog, a demon made of ash and flame, and the (sorry to repeat the word) epic, epic, fucking epic battle at the end of the Fellowship between the humans and orcs. Being a Rings fan took dedication. The theatrical cuts were long, but the director’s cuts on DVD were even more of an endurance test. Star Wars fans have it easy when it comes to alternate versions; Rings fans actually have to think about these things (I find that Fellowship’s theatrical cut is superior, but the Towers extended edition has so much added character development that I don’t think I could ever watch the original edit again. As for King, well, the director’s cut is something like five-and-a-half hours long, so tread carefully).
4. Hot Fuzz (2007)
Just as some prefer The Godfather Part II, Aliens, or The Empire Strikes Back, I prefer Hot Fuzz, the second installment in director/writer Edgar Wright and star/writer Simon Pegg’s “Blood and Ice Cream Trilogy,” over Shaun of the Dead. The duo has always shown love for the genres they satirize, and Hot Fuzz gently ribs on action/buddy flicks while still be one just as well at Shaun did with zombie films. The only difference is I prefer action movies. Pegg and co-star/hetero life mate Nick Frost bring panache to stereotypical action lines like “Shit just got real” and “I’m about to blow this thing wide open” as they investigate mysterious murders in the seemingly quaint town of Sandford. There are too many “hell yeah” moments to count.
3. Chris Nolan's Batman films (2005-2008)
OK, so you know all that stuff I said about how Iron Man works by focusing on being a fun thrill ride instead of just another doom-n-gloom superhero movie? Well, I like Chris Nolan’s brand of doom-n-gloom. He took one of the most awesomest superheroes of all time to a dark place that was way more satisfyingly gritty than Batman and Robin without devolving into Frank Miller self-parody. First he did it with Batman Begins, the best comic book origin movie of all time. Christian Bale is badass as Batman, but he maintains such an easy report with co-stars Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman. Throw in the always welcome Liam Neeson, and it’s a whiz bang action flick with some brains. I look upon even the film’s weaknesses – like that one guy whose sole purpose is to explain the bad guy’s plan to the audience – with love. Same goes for The Dark Knight, a film which I don’t think Nolan could ever top. Everyone seems to agree that Heath Ledger was amazing as the Joker, so I’ll keep my praise brief: Sometimes I pop my Knight DVD in just so I can skip to Ledger’s scenes. The only reason I don’t think a good Dark Knight sequel could exist is because it won’t have Ledger in it. The energy between him and Bale entraps me every time – the Batpod chase, the interrogation, etc. – every scene is so intense. Point out plot holes all you want; this shit is epic.
2. Do You Remember?: 15 Years of The Bouncing Souls (2003)
I was flipping through my DVD collection for inspiration for this list when it hit me: Do You Remember?. Of course. It’s the punk rock documentary by which I judge all other punk rock documentaries, including the legendary ones. Per its title, the film chronicles the Souls’ formation in 1987 up to just before the release of their seminal 2003 record, Anchors Aweigh. The cast of commentators is many, starting with their childhood friends and then working through the musicians and artists they met along the way. It makes for a pretty great story; even the inside jokes make me feel included in their history. I mean, the joy in their faces when they explain how they wrote some of my favorite songs is incredible. Yet the story is also pretty emotionally affecting, specifically when the band and filmmakers try to explain the departure of original drummer Shal Khichi without billing anyone involved as the bad guy. Given how much I came to love Shal through the documentary, let alone his involvement in albums like Maniacal Laughter and Hopeless Romantic, his psychological issues hit pretty hard. I hope when the Souls hit the 30-year mark – and I have no doubt that they will – they commemorate a second documentary to catch me up on the time spent with wonder-drummer Michael McDermott. Do you remember? I do.
1. The Marine (2006)
This is not a joke.
My roommates Nick and Eric and I had a thing for watching professional wrestling in our dorm lounge in 2006. We saw so many commercials for John Cena’s The Marine on WWE Raw that we finally caved – this would be a legendary event we dubbed “Night of Men.” We would smoke cigars and watch the manliest movie of perhaps all time. Instead, we ate Cinnabon and watched The Marine, the tale of one man’s quest to rescue his wife from diamond thieves. We went into it expecting something hilariously bad. What we got was the best film of the decade.
This is not a joke.
The Marine is free of moralizing, political correctness, things that can’t explode, or natural boobs. Everything about is essential – Cena’s sparse dialogue reveals him as a man of action, not words. Villain Robert Patrick brings an uncomfortably sexual take on his character. He’s also batshit insane. The Joker jokes about not having a plan in The Dark Knight; Patrick really doesn’t. He makes some truly awful decisions, and the film is as much about how poor life choices stack up against us as it is about Cena’s love for his wife (Kelly Carlson)… or explosions. My God the explosions. Director John Bonito blows up so much stuff that, were it not for a behind-the-scenes featurette on the DVD, I would’ve sworn that The Marine was 90 percent digital fire. It is instead 90 percent REAL FUCKING FIRE. This is not camp, nor is this melodrama. This is The Marine, “one of the God damn best.”
The Top 50 Somethings of the Something Something Something
20. Haute Tension (2003)
Holy bejeebits, this movie is intense. Director/co-writer Alexandre Aja, co-writer Grégory Levasseur, and make-up artist Giannetto De Rossi (Zombi, Dune, and motha-lickin’ Dragonheart ya’ll) rarely flinch in their depiction of The Killer (Philippe Nahon) as he murders a French family and proceeds to torture the heck out of BFFs Marie (Cécile de France) and Alex (Maïwenn Le Besco). Throats are slit, hands are cut off, kindly gas station attendants are axed for grabbing the wrong alcoholic beverage. There are buckets of blood galore. De Rossi’s effects are incredible, made all the most amazing since he was pretty much on his own during filming. This one’s got plenty of “Oh shit” moments.
19. Children of Men (2006)
Alfonso Cuarón’s dystopian future, in which women become infertile for 18 years, is striking. Cuarón favors lengthy continuous shots, even going so far as to invent new technology so he can place cameras in close quarters. It gives a war documentary feel to a film about the world falling apart. Cuarón feels that, if we found out the world was going to slowly die out, we’d all just get more violent, more willing to kill, because we’re all going to die anyway. People get so crazy in this future that when a pregnant woman actually shows up (Claire-Hope Ashitey), she becomes more of a political tool than a symbol of hope, as different factions fight for control of her unborn child. Despite its science fiction elements, Children of Men comes off as totally realistic, and more than just a little similar to current events. Being a human myself (I ain’t no stinkin’ Reploid!), I want to believe that all of the violence committed by both armed forces and terrorists in this film is just fiction, that no one would kill in the name of something so unrelated and ridiculous. But replace “baby” with “God,” and you’ve pretty much found yourself in a Bob Dylan song, my man. Everyone thinks they’re fighting with God/baby on their side.
18. Up (2009)
As intense as Children of Men gets, it doesn’t quite hit me in the gut the same way as Up. Sure, it’s a colorful South American adventure packed with cute animals, but it’s also about how love and life don’t last forever. But Up is by no means a sad movie; just an emotional one. It reminds viewers to live for tomorrow, and the day after that, and so on. It’s a heady family movie, certainly, but one I think kids should see.
17. Wet Hot American Summer (2001)
Retro ’80s camp comedy from the guys that brought us Stella and The State. Alternately touching and absurdist, it’s one of the best comedies of the decade.
16. The Triplets of Belleville (2003)
Sylvain Chomet’s animated feature-length debut about a French cyclist captured and forced into an American gambling ring and his grandmother’s attempts to save him delighted me when I saw it in theaters in 2003. The film is certainly whimsical, but it’s also not afraid to satirize cultures either. Americans get hit the hardest as money-grubbing fatsos, but Chomet certainly dishes out parodies of the French and the Italians as well. As for the titular Triplets, they have a hand in the plot too. Bonus points for Ben Charest’s amazing soundtrack.
15. The Incredibles (2004)
I love superhero movies. I love Pixar. Surely a combination of the two would be thoroughly, unequivocally, perhaps even totally awesome. Oh wait, I already know it would awesome, thanks to The Incredibles. Sort of like a Disney-fied Fantastic Four, the film stars the eponymous family as they attempt to blend in with ordinary people. Superheroes have been outlawed, but every so often, Mr. Incredible (Craig T. Nelson) and his buddy Frozone (Samuel L. Jackson) go out and fight crime anyway. Mr. Incredible later takes on an assignment fighting robots on a tropical island (Best job ever?) from an anonymous benefactor, giving income to the family and giving Mr. Incredible an outlet for his superpowers. But when his boss turns out to be kind of a villain – and Mr. Incredible’s wife Elastigirl (Holly Hunter) and kids Violet (Sarah Vowell) and Dash (Spencer Fox) get involved – the plot thickens. Ah heck, it’s just a dang cool movie.
14. Iron Man (2008)
Superhero movies in the new millennium tended to focus on the tortured hero – Spider-man, Batman, etc. – the angsty warrior who wants to save society but also wants to… love? That makes for some splendid drama, but the kid in me appreciates a film like Iron Man for doing the exact opposite: Robert Downey Jr. plays Tony Stark, a super rich, super cool guy with a metal suit that can fly and shoot lasers. He has tons of sweet gadgets like Batman, only without all the weird mental issues. He’s suave and sexy, he’s like the James Bond of this decade, which is funny, since this decade’s James Bond (Daniel Craig) is really fucking emo. He listens to Suicidal Tendencies because, in addition to being ridiculously rich and awesome, he also has good taste in music. There were better superhero movies in the nils, but Iron Man is the only superhero on this list that I would actually want to be.
13. Darjeeling Limited (2007)
Wes Anderon’s last live action movie received a less than warm reception from some folks, and to be fair, the film does occasionally feel static due to its overuse of Anderson’s trademarks – dry reactions, Kinks songs, and Owen Wilson – but Darjeeling Limited, coupled with its prologue Hotel Chevalier, is a fantastic road trip film, as three brothers (Wilson, Adrian Brody, and Jason Schwartzman) travel by train through India to find their mother (Angelica Houston) after their father’s death. The locations Anderson captures throughout India are gorgeous, as are the performances. While Darjeeling Limited recycles some of Life Aquatic’s camera tricks, I feel like it’s the better film – more even in tone, with a more resonant emotional depth as we watch the three brothers interact.
12. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind (2004)
Adaptation might be the better Charlie Kaufman film, but dammit I’m a sucker for movies about failed romances. Kaufman dials down his weirdness (relatively speaking) for this Michel Gondtry-directed film about what people would do if they could have surgery to forget their ex-lovers. The film’s conclusion is up to the viewer – Can you rekindle romance with someone who is now a total stranger to you? Will it create a doomed cycle? Is memory erasure too extreme a measure of moving on? Anchored by leads Jim Carrey and Kate Winslet, it’s a pretty cool love/anti-love movie.
11. Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy (2004)
Given that he pretty much never headlined a good movie again (Stranger Than Fiction aside), I forgot how funny Will Ferrell was in his prime, exuding wit and charm while playing some of the dumbest buffoons in film and television. And while he watered down the Ron Burgundy man-child character type for stinkers like Talladega Nights: The Ballad of Ricky Bobby and Semi-Pro, Anchorman still holds up as an absurd slice of ’70s-loving humor. The film is packed with comedy aces – Christina Applegate, Paul Rudd, Steve Carrell, Dave Koechner, plus a bevy of guest stars – firing off memorably quotes like “60 percent of the time, it works every time” and “I am a man. I am an anchor-man!”
TOMORROW: TOP 10 MOVIES OF THE DECADE. SHIT GETS FUCKING REAL.
