Kazaam (1996)

Tagline: The world’s most powerful genie just met his match.

Curiosity: I want to chalk it up to nostalgia, but I don’t think I ever actually liked Kazaam when I was a kid. So, I’m just going to blame my girlfriend for falling asleep, thereby giving me complete control of the television.

Plot: Max (Francis Capra) is your typical movie-kid – he never shows up to class on time or finishes his homework, he’s a douche to his mother (Universal Soldier’s Ally Walker!) and soon-to-be-stepfather (John Costelloe), nobody likes him, he’s still somehow the good guy, etc. When he’s not being a petulant shit to everyone around him, Max accidentally unleashes a genie named Kazaam (Shaq Fu’s Shaquille O’Neal) from his boom box. Kazaam is the only being who yells louder and more often than Max, but the kid has a tough time believing Kazaam is really a genie. After a magic-filled bicycle race, he comes around. But, being the jackass that he is, Max refuses to make his three wishes, because he’d rather douche it up all over Kazaam.

Oh, and the duo tries to meet Max’s biological father (James Acheson) or something. Kazaam does some rap-yelling. Also, Da Brat shows up for some reason. Remember her?

Thoughts: There are some movies that, when they appear on TV, I will drop everything and try to make it to a given scene. There’s the Elliot Smith scene in The Royal Tenenbaums. The “clever girl” scene from Jurassic Park. And, uh, this scene where Kazaam and Max rap:

Sometimes, when I’m alone, I’ll just start singing “WE GENIES!” to myself. Oh hey here’s more rap-yelling:

To be honest, my love of bad movies was tested by Kazaam. There’s really nothing redemptive about Max at all. Kazaam is kind of annoying too, and his rhymes and magic are both pretty weak (Although I look forward to saying “Let’s green eggs and ham it” to my girlfriend later today). I’m essentially sandwiched with a protagonist who can’t appreciate anyone who loves him and goes out of his way to wreck his life – just like a gender-reversed Madam Bovary! I will say this, though: Kazaam left me with a hankering for some Space Jam. Other than that, well, at least I got some quality cuddles from my special lady friend.

Reflection: Holy shit, Capra went on to work in Crank and Veronica Mars. Dude’s got cred!

The Lovely Bones (2010)

Tagline: The story of a life and everything that came after…

Curiosity: I still have some residual Peter Jackson loyalty left over from Lord of the Rings. In a rare move, my interest in a film overlapped with my girlfriend’s, as she wants to see as many Oscar-baiting films as she can before the big ceremony March 7 (Stanley Tucci scored a nomination for Actor in a Supporting Role, although I think Christoph Waltz in Inglourious Basterds is more deserving).

Plot: Susie Salmon (Saoirse Ronan) is an awkward, artistically inclined 14-year-old Norristown, Pa. native who is raped and killed by her neighbor (Tucci). She goes to a magical world of limbo where CGI creates wondrous fantasia while her family copes in their own ways. Then some stuff no one cares about fills out the film’s 135-minute running time.

Thoughts: I was on board with Lovely Bones for a while. The performances are solid overall – Ronan is at turns fragile and exuberant, Tucci is pretty got-damn creepy, Mark Wahlberg succeeds in being Wahlberg-y as Mr. Salmon – but little things started to pile up as the film dragged on. I’m a big fan of Rachel Weisz, but I felt like she didn’t get a whole lot to do here. We get a little bit of her family interaction pre-murder – she clearly gets stuck with being the “bad cop” a lot with the kids – but after that she only gets a handful of scenes where she screams at Wahlberg. A lot. It’s just scene after scene of her “going big” before she moves to California to get away from all the pain. I’m not saying that her performance is unbelievable; I just wish she was given a chance to be more fully rounded.

Part of the reason Weisz doesn’t get to act more is because of the film’s reliance on narration. There are two things I’m pretty jaded towards: CGI and voice-overs that tell me how to feel. The Lovely Bones is packed with both. Ronan continually dictates what the characters are doing and feeling to the audience, which is fine for a book, but pretty fucking boring for a moving picture. I was also distracted by her “narrator voice” – it’s much deeper and smokier than her normal speaking voice and, given that she never uses in her real life or the afterlife, feels superfluous. And it doesn’t help over-the-top lines about her impending death or the importance of life or other mawkish “what does it all mean?” bits. Combined with Ronan’s general irrelevance to the plot after her death, save for revealing some info about the killer, a decent chunk of the film feels unnecessary and dull. The most special effects-laden scenes are the first ones I would have cut.

Also the film ends like eight times, and each one is pretty unsatisfactory. But if the movie had been edited down to, say, maybe 90-100 minutes, this wouldn’t have been an issue. Tucci’s interactions with Ronan are creepy as eff. Rose McIver brings some much-needed intensity in her attempts to expose Tucci as a murderer. But my favorite scene, as irrelevant as it is to both the plot and the tone, is the comedic montage of Susan Sarandon boozing it up as the drunken grandmother. She ashes her cigarettes into the vacuum cleaner and puts out grease fires with flower pots. With every new Tucci scene, this montage becomes increasingly odd. The Lovely Bones isn’t a comedy, and Sarandon largely disappears save for a few lines after this moment, but it’s still a welcome bit nonetheless.

The last 30-40 minutes are so ridiculously padded that I pretty much ended up hating this movie, but I was on board up to that point.

Reflection: The Lovely Bones takes place like five minutes from my house! That’s not weird at all!

Kindergarten Cop (1990)

Tagline: An undercover cop is in a class by himself.

Curiosity: Howsabout this:

And this:

Plot: Detective John Kimble (Arnold Brownschwagger) finally gets a break in his one man war against nefarious bad guy Cullen Crisp (Richard Tyson) when he shoots a guy at a mall. The case hinges on one tweaked out druggie witness, though, so Kimble and his new partner, Phoebe O’Hara (Pamela Reed), head out to Oregon to find Crisp’s ex-wife, Rachel (IT’S A MYSTERY!!!). If they can get her testimony against Crisp, they just might put that guy away for good. Phoebe is supposed to do undercover work as a kindergarten teacher in order to find Crisp’s son, but when she comes down a stomach ailment en route, it’s up to Kimble to hunt the deadliest prey: CHILDREN.

Thoughts: Kindergarten Cop opens with Brownschwagger handcuffing a girl to her dead boyfriend. Like 10 minutes later, it graces us with a montage of Reed vomiting all over the Oregon Trail. I guess what I’m trying to say is that it’s a classy, feel good, family-oriented comedy. It’s a little long at two hours, but the film delivers so many classic lines that it rarely drags. ’Schwagger gets the bulk of them (Go on. Say it. “Who is your daddy and what does he do?”), but the kids director Ivan Reitman and casting associate Alan Berger picked are pretty funny too. That kid from Wes Craven’s New Nightmare (ya know, the guy that always gave Uncle Jesse shit on Full House) gets in a couple jokes about vaginas. There’s a darkly humorous kid who talks about death all the time. Good stuff.

Sadly, the one kid who does suck is the one that turns out to be Crisp’s kid. Fucker rags on Brownschwagger all the time. I mean, he’s never taught before, man! Give him a learning curve! Crisp Jr.’s highlight is when Rachel tries to rescue him from Crisp’s clutches and he flips shit about not getting to finish his pony ride. What a got-damn asshole. No respek for his mother whatsoever why I oughta…

Other than that little prick, though, Kindergarten Cop is a charmingly idiosyncratic film. The first half-hour is all action and murder and drugs. Then it spends an hour or so being a hi-larious schoolyard romp. Then it’s back to the murder most foul. Awesome.

Reflection: People love remixing this movie.

Mallrats (1995)

Tagline: They’re not there to work. They’re not there to shop. They’re just there.

Curiosity: Sandwiched between financial and critical successes Clerks and Chasing Amy, Mallrats was the black sheep of writer/director/co-star Kevin Smith’s filmography. At least, until Jersey Girl came out.

Plot: When best buds T.S. (Jeremy London) and Brodie (Jason Lee) both get dumped by their girlfriends – Brandi (Claire Forlani) and Rene (Shannon Doherty), respectively – they head to the mall, hoping to drown their lady problems in comic books and soda. At least, Brodie does. T.S. goes along with it because he doesn’t have anything better to do, since his trip to Florida with Brandi (he was gonna propose to her at Universal Studios… right when Jaws pops out of the water!) is now scrapped. Instead, they end up facing their issues head-on. Can T.S. convince Brandi he isn’t a total douche bag and save her from her manipulative father (The Marine 2’s Michael Rooker) and his shitty dating game show? Can Brodie man up and reunite with Rene before scuzzball Shannon (Ben Affleck) screws her in a very uncomfortable place – like the back of a Volkswagen?

Thoughts: Mallrats was my favorite Kevin Smith flick back when I was too young to be watching Kevin Smith flicks, by which I mean I thought it was his funniest movies. Nowadays, it’s slipped a few notches – Clerks II nicely balances humor and story, however brisk, and Chasing Amy holds up better, even though I find Affleck’s character in that movie to be A) way too socially retarded and B) way too much like me circa high school, right down to the shitty goatee. But that’s off-topic.

Story-wise, Mallrats has a major black hole named “the T.S. and Brandi story arc.” Neither character is as interesting as Brodie and Rene, who are better defined and offer fleeting glimpses of their compatibility. I actually felt pros and cons being listed for Brodie and Rene getting back together. With T.S. and Brandi, though, I’m merely told to believe that they’re perfect for each other without any evidence to back that assertion up. Plus, as the comic sidekick, Lee gets all of the best lines ‘n’ bits while London plays the straight man.

Not that all the bits work. The topless fortune teller scene near the end still makes me nervous, as if my dad is going to burst in at any moment and fuck my day up [NOTE: This stems from the time in eighth grade when my dad really did burst in on my sister and me watching Clerks, specifically during the necrophilia scene.] Also, what the hell is a boob-based business doing in a shopping mall? Other jokes are just too ’90s, like the references to Magic Eye, New Kids on the Block, the idea that Star Wars is good, etc. The film is way too of its time, while I relate to Clerks and Chasing Amy even more in 2010 now that I’ve A) done time in the service industry and B) actually had lady problems of my own.

But just because it’s not a knockout doesn’t mean Mallrats doesn’t deserve “beloved cult classic” status. After his disappointing run in mainstream movies and the needlessly offensive My Name is Earl, rewatching Mallrats reminded me why so many people thought Jason Lee was underrated. Dude is funny. Doherty is pretty good too as the fiery Rene, subverting the “princess trapped in a castle” mold that befalls a lot of love interests in dick ‘n’ fart movies of this caliber (just look at Brandi). Maybe it’s a generational thing, but I’m always glad when Jay (Jason Mewes) and Silent Bob (Smith) show up. So while I don’t love Mallrats as much as I did when I was 13, I’m also still glad it exists. Plus, the soundtrack rocks – Elastica, Bush, Girls Against Boys, and Weezer! Yes!

Reflection: So who’s “my John Hughes” – Kevin Smith or Judd Apatow? Smith is better at integrating music – a key Hughes-like quality – but Apatow has handled emotion better with works like Freaks and Geeks and The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Could Heavyweights be the tie-breaker?

Gamer (2009)

Tagline: In the near future, you don’t live to play… you play to live.

Curiosity: It was helmed by Mark Neveldine and Brian Taylor, the creative team behind the ridiculously awesome Crank series.

Plot: In a world where Sims and Halo aren’t good enough, peeps can log on to the Internet and play as REAL PEOPLE in games like Society and Slayers. While the people in Society are paid for having their brain cells replaced with a device that allows people to control them, Slayers participants are death row inmates given an alternative to execution. If they can survive 30 matches being controlled by nerds or one match as a non-playable character with a limited number of moves, they get pardoned. It’s all masterminded by wealthy programmer Ken Castle (Michael C. Hall). But not everybody enjoys his games, including John “Kable” Tillman (Gerard Butler), a Slayers soldier who knows that Castle rigs the game, and Ludacris as, uh, Ludacris (FACT: His character is never named, so I think it’s safe to assume it’s really him). If Kable can just get out, expose Castle, and reunite with his wife ‘n’ daughter… that would be nice.

Thoughts: I’m a pretty big Crank fan, but I couldn’t justify paying $10 to see Gamer in theaters, and renting it still feels like a waste of money. About three-quarters of the film consist of dialogue-free running, grunting, and exploding. The remaining quarter consists of Luda screaming stuff like “This is not a game” and “We are all slaves!” There’s so little acting involved that I can’t believe Hall and even Butler were given top billing. I’d argue that Kyra Sedgewick, as a money-minded muckraker, and Amber Valletta, as Kable’s wife, both get more to do, but whatever.

Gamer feels like a rough sketch of a final film. Plot points are quickly thrown out like a PowerPoint presentation, followed by lengthy scenes crammed with rapid cuts, hyper-violence, and hyper-sex. And then the ending wraps everything up with little explanation, as if Neveldine and raylor were like, “We’re about to break 90 minutes. Let’s just stop here.”

The duo does slip in some of their humor, like when a Slayer engages in tea bagging (video game humor!). I also thought Milo Ventimiglia’s cameo as Rick Rape, a Society character whose sole purpose is to hump everything, was pretty funny. Otherwise, though, Gamer feels like a straightforward action B-movie cribbing from other action B-movies, including, but not limited to, Death Race 2000 (and its remake), Rollerball (and its remake), and The Condemned (which, sadly, has not been remade yet). The Crank films bring a Looney Tunes mix of violence and humor that escalates them far above crap like Gamer, so I’m a little disappointed at what Neveldine and Taylor created. Still, though, I’ll give them a mulligan, at least until the inevitable Crank 3: FIRE AND BOOBS EVERYWHERE.

Reflection: Well... I like Gerard Butler as a person.

Commando (1985)

Tagline: Somewhere, somehow, someone’s going to pay.

Curiosity: It’s Arnold Brownschwagger killin’ stuff.

Plot: Retired U.S. Army colonel John Matrix (’schwagger) is enjoying a life of not-killing with his daughter, Jenny (Alyssa Milano), when his old war buddy General Franklin Kirby (James Olson) shows up to inform him that somebody is killing off members of John’s squad. About five seconds after Kirby leaves, dudes with guns show up and shoot many, many bullets at John’s face. Luckily, he was able to smell them (for serious), so he kills ’em dead, but not before they kidnap his daughter.

Deposed Val Verde dictator Arius (Dan Hedaya) is behind the attacks. He wants Matrix to kill the president of his country and reinstate him. Aided by Bennett (Vernon Wells), who was kicked out of John’s special forces team for being a dick, Arius sends Matrix on an 11-hour flight towards political assasinatin’.

Turns out they really just gave him 11 hours to kill everyone ever.

Thoughts: Commando may very well be the ultimate escapist action flick of the ’80s, the Marine of its day, if you will. Brownschwagger has a quip for every kill, no matter how forced. Any wound he takes is forgotten in 30 seconds or less. He stabs a ridiculous amount of dudes. The film cops some plot points from First Blood, but avoids all that political sermonizing. Also, the Schwagg is funny. Check out this clip:

HI-LARIOUS. How many knees did you just slap laughing? The answer may surprise you!

I was also struck by how the film makes very little effort to justify Brownschwagger’s participation in the film. Much like Cena in The Marine, he’s way too buff for a retired soldier. Looking Wells’ paunch, it’s hard to believe their final confrontation takes longer than five seconds. At least we get a quick line about his accent. But that plays into the fantasy element, I suppose. Dude runs around, kicks butt, avoids wearing shirts. Righteous.

Final note: I love how the last few lines of dialogue blatantly set up a sequel, even though Commando 2 never happened, as Brownschagger felt he had made a complete artistic statement with this film. Interestingly, the proposed script for Commando 2 was reworked into Die Hard.

Reflection: Were mall cops ever really this threatening?

The Fantastic Four (1994)

Tagline: Part Elastic, Part Invisible, Part Fire, Part Stone.

Curiosity: It’s a ’90s adaptation of the Fantastic Four that was never meant to be released. Also, Roger Corman financed it, and that’s a name I’ve learned to trust.

Plot: Sciencey wunderkind Reed Richards (Alex Hyde-White) and his angry, European buddy Victor Von Doom (Joseph Culp) are trying to harness the power of a comet when it sort of kills Victor, possibly because Reed actually sucks ass at science. Ten years later, Reed tries his hand at SPACE SCIENCE yet again, this time ruining the lives of his best friend, Ben Grimm (Michael Bailey Smith), and his jailbait crush, Sue Storm (Rebecca Staab), as well as her kid brother, Johnny (Jay Underwood). Reed’s second botched experiment leaves him with enhanced elasticity; he can stretch and flex better than any other person outside of the porn industry. Sue can turn invisible and project force fields. Johnny can turn into some sort of human torch. And Ben… well, he got ugly. Oh, and super strong or whatever. They are… the Fantastic Four!

Thoughts: I feel bad for everyone involved in this movie. And I don’t mean that in a snarky “look at this crap” way either. When Constantin Film found itself on the verge of losing the film rights to the Fantastic Four comic book, they decided to make a quickie cheap-o on the fly so they could legally maintain ownership, even though the filmed result was never intended for public consumption. It was a sneaky idea, so sneaky that the studio never informed the cast or crew. So, I feel bad that they put in a month’s worth of work when they could’ve been out pursuing something that people might actually see.

I also feel bad because, if given a few script revisions and a bigger budget, The Fantastic Four might not actually be that bad. The film’s origin story is way more accurate than what ended up in the 2005 Fantastic Four film – Reed really did fuck over Victor, hence his hatred for the FF, which makes more sense than the “You stole my girlfriend, bro” plot from the ’05 reboot. Granted, the filmmakers later take creative liberties (Grimm can change into The Thing at will, for example), but overall, the picture’s biggest flaws are in the budget, not the story. Oh, and the acting. The acting is terrible.

But director Oley Sassone delivers pretty much everything I’d expect from a Fantastic Four movie – an origin story, displays of the superheroes’ powers, Doom being batshit insane, etc. Had he been given a little more money to, say, synch The Thing’s mouth with his audio or make the Human Torch look even remotely realistic, I would call it the best of the three FF films.

Reflection: Wow, I paid to see all three Fantastic Four movies. Also, Mercedes McNab (Harmony from Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel) makes a brief appearance here as Young Sue Storm. Huzzah!

Click here to watch the whole movie on YouTube for free.