Rammbock: Berlin Undead (2010)

Tagline: You can run, but you can’t hide.

Curiosity: It’s Scott-approved.

Plot: Michael (Michael Fuith) is a balding, desperate man trying to get back together with his ex in Berlin. Harper (Theo Trebs) is just a kid working on some remodeling… in Michael’s ex’s apartment. The two get caught in a zombie outbreak (ain’t that always the way?), and it’s up to the resourceful Harper and the deeply stupid Michael to find a way out of Berlin.

Thoughts: At just over an hour in length, Rammbock doesn’t have much time to mess around, and its script is appropriately, if somewhat underwhelmingly, tight. Granted, the arc of a zombie movie is pretty much set in place, but Rammbock does little to explain this fantastical thing that’s happening. Characters don’t really develop. The people just kind of roll with it; in a way, Rammbock feels like a lesser Demons, in that a bunch of Europeans encounter these horribly nightmarish scenarios and just accept them.

But while Rammbock doesn’t make a whole lost of sense, its brisk pacing means there’s little filler. It also forces its characters into extremes: Michael is thoroughly useless, thanks partially to his blind devotion to his ex; Harper has the wits to escape, but he’s stuck with this sad sack. I’m not gonna lie; my fiancée and I had a blast ripping on Michael. Fuck you, Michael. You’re stupid and ugly.

Reflection: I love how it’s only an hour long, and my fiancée still fell asleep during Rammbock.

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978)

Tagline: Widely considered to be the greatest kung fu flick of all time.

Curiosity: Just look at the tagline. Also it heavily influenced Wu-Tang Clan. So, there’s that.

Plot: Spurred by his teacher, San Te (Gordon Liu) joins a group of insurgents looking to overthrow Qing rule. He’s quickly found out, though, and his father sacrifices himself to allow San Te to escape. Eventually, he ends up studying martial arts at a Shaolin temple. Over the course of a year-plus, he studies the 35 chambers of Shaolin in the hopes of liberating his town.

Thoughts: 36th Chamber has a reputation for being a gory, but artistically impressive, kung fu flick. It almost earns that reputation in 2011. It is indeed surprisingly bloody for a ’70s flick. While it’s certainly not on the torture porn side of things, the use of blood gives the film a certain amount of grit lacking in a genre that emphasizes showmanship over realism.

Not that it doesn’t have its flash. 36th Chamber packs plenty of fight scenes. While it goes through a considerable dry spell in its second hour, the action is solid throughout. The battles get brutal, but tastefully so. They’re not the best I’ve ever seen, but they certainly held my attention. But these things are to be expected. What sets 36th Chamber apart is its training section.

Generally speaking, training scenes in kung fu movies are filler. That’s why you don’t see them in Bruce Lee movies. They murder the pacing, both in terms of plot and visuals. But they do pad out the running time. If you want to know why kung fu movies run two hours when Western B-movie actioners run 90 minutes, there’s your answer right there. 36th Chamber, however, is actually at its strongest during this section. We see San Te achieve a peace who couldn’t find as a rebellious youth, and the exercises he practices actually kind of make sense. Other kung fu flicks pull shit out of their asses when their protagonists learn some devastating new move; 36th Chamber actually emphasizes practical tests.

After this portion, though, the film kind of stalls. San Te returns to his hometown and gets his revenge, but the movie keeps going towards a fourth act that feels superfluous. Still, I get why this film is so lauded.

Reflection: The subtitles on my DVD call the main character “San Ta.” Just one of many mistranslations.

Drunken Master (1978)

Tagline: Gettin’ shitty ta-night? [NOTE: This is not the real tagline.]

Curiosity: It’s the movie that launched Jackie Chan’s career.

Plot: Wong Fei-hung (Chan) is a dedicated student to kung fu, but his wayward ways get him into too much trouble for his father (Lam Kau) to handle. When Fei-hung brings shame on his family (by, uh, hitting on his cousin…), his c-c-c-c-c-crazy uncle Beggar Su Hua Chi (Yuen Siu-tien) is brought in to teach some discipline. But when the assassin Thunderleg (Hwang Jang Lee) seeks a hit on Wong’s father, things get serious and/or drunken!

Thoughts: While I respect Drunken Master for the influence it had on future action stars like Stephen Chow (Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer) and Tony Jaa (Ong-Bak, The Protector), I kind of found myself drifting off halfway through the film. The first 30 minutes are some pretty strong comedy/action, as Chan goes through a series of fight ‘n’ physical comedy set pieces. In fact, as great as Chan is at martial arts, I’d argue he’s an even better comedian. Drunken Master’s humor is pretty broad, but Chan throws himself completely into the part.

But the funniest passages also slow down the flick, which then descends into an endless series of training scenes. Them shits is not funny at all. Worse, the whole concept of a “drunken master” barely enters the script until the final 20 minutes. That’s when Wong learns the art of using a staggering fighting pose to deceive opponents. While it allows Chan to segue back into physical comedy again, the idea of having Wong pretend to be drunk is incredibly forced. I get that his character is trying to set a trap for his opponent, but it comes so far out of left field, and is then so obvious, that I don’t understand why anyone would fall for it. Considering the drunken master technique is supposed to be the crux of the movie, that’s a big problem. Drunken Master would be a great movie if it came in at 90 minutes, but at two hours it’s just too bloated.

Reflection: CASE RACE!

Red Heat (1988)

Tagline: Moscow’s toughest detective. Chicago’s craziest cop. There’s only one thing more dangerous than making them mad: making them partners.

Curiosity: I’m a big Schwarzenegger fan despite his sex scandal, but I somehow never saw Red Heat before now.

Plot: Moscow narcotics officer Ivan Danko (Schwarzenegger) is in (red) hot pursuit of the gangster Viktor Rostavili (Ed O’Ross), literally. He tracks the guy to a sweat lodge in the middle of nowhere. It’s like super hot in there, which is why all these muscley guys look super sweaty in the opening scene. It’s also why they’re only wearing, um… loincloths.

ANYWAY. Viktor escapes to America after killing Danko’s partner. Danko follows him to Chicago, where he gets partnered up with Jim Belushi (Played with great commitment by the actual Jim Belushi). Belushi is all like “I’m Eastern European-American! What could I possibly talk to this Eastern European about?! Also I like boobs and hamburgers!”

Danko and Belushi are so ethnically different! How are they gonna catch the bad guy?!

[SPOILER ALTERT]: Guns. They do it with guns.

Thoughts: I don’t know if I’m just getting older, but I did not care for Red Heat. Maybe I’ve just seen too many buddy cop movies, but Red Heat’s attempts at presenting Danko and Belushi as polar opposites is too much. It’s also horribly dated by its stereotyping. Rush Hour pokes fun at the Chinese, and there will surely be Chinese stereotypes to play on in the future, but Russian Communism fell apart two years after Red Heat came out. All those lazy jokes don’t work anymore.

Another problem with the film comes from the casting: Belushi feels so thoroughly useless throughout the movie. He doesn’t show up until about 20 minutes in, and never really does anything important. Schwarzenegger was/is the bigger star then/now, but hot-dang; Belushi literally contributes nothing to the movie besides shitty one-liners.

Still, this is classic Brownschwagger here. Arnie gets to kick ass and look cool throughout, and that opening scene in the sweat lodge really does look awesome/homoerotic.

Reflection: Shoulda cast Danny DeVito. That guy knows how to play off of Arnold.

The Serpent and The Rainbow (1988)

Tagline: Don’t bury me… I’m not dead!

Curiosity: Bill Pullman (Independence Day!!!) gets a nail driven through his wiener.

Plot: After totally meeting his spirit animal, anthropologist Dennis Alan (Pullman) is sent to Haiti by a pharmaceutical company to research a drug that turns people into zombies. Not so much Romero zombies as voodoo zombies. This drug, called tetrodotoxin, creates the appearance of death – recipients show an extremely low pulse and no reaction to stimuli. It also robs them of their free will, turning them into slaves. When Alan attracts attention from the local zombie drug kingpin (Zakes Mokae), he’ll have to use his wits AND his spirit animal to get out alive.

ALSO HE GETS NAILED IN THE PENIS.

Thoughts: PENIS.

Sorry, sorry. The Serpent and The Rainbow features one of the most uncomfortable scenes I’ve ever witnessed, but it’s surprisingly low on gore. If anything, it’s more of a drama than it is a horror movie, which perhaps makes it more effective. There are some fantasy elements thrown in, as Mokae summons up black magic and what-not, but it’s mostly about one man’s war against a drug dealer. There just happens to be some voodoo involved along the way.

In that sense, Serpent is one of Craven’s more modest films. It’s not aggressively frightening. But it has these flashes of disturbing images that really pack a punch. The most intense of which is, of course, Pullman’s wang getting crucified. We don’t actually see anything (As of opposed to Hostel 2, where we see everything), but man does Pullman scream like it’s real. The following scene, in which he gets dumped on the street in his bloody underwear, sells the rest of it. Scary movies prey on our deepest fears; one of mine involves getting nailed in the junk.

As for the rest of the flick, it’s solid. It’s a little slow and not quite as compelling as some of Craven’s other films, but it’s got a strong script and a decent cast. Not my favorite zombie movie, but I dug it.

Reflection: PENIS.

Shocker (1989)

Tagline: On October 2nd, at 6:45 a.m., mass murderer Horace Pinker was put to death.

Now he’s really mad.

Curiosity: It was bundled with The People Under the Stairs.

Plot: High school football hero Jonathan (Peter Berg, who went on to create Friday Night Lights) almost has the perfect life. He’s a star player and he’s got an awesome girlfriend named Alison (Cami Cooper) who is super cute despite always talking in a raspy whisper. There’s just one problem: Horace Pinker (Mitch Pileggi, fuckin’ Skinner from X-Files) murdered most of Jonathan’s family. Bummertown, U.S.A. On top of that, Jonathan psychically witnessed the whole thing.

Using his psychic powers, Jonathan is able to track Pinker’s next move and capture. But receiving the death sentence only makes Pinker stronger, as he makes a pact with a demon to become a being of pure electricity who can take over others’ bodies and travel through televisions or some shit. I don’t know, man.

Thoughts: Shocker is not a good movie. While I consider myself a Wes Craven fan, this is not his finest film. The movie has essentially four things working against it. They are…

1). Sandwiched between The Serpent and The Rainbow and The People Under the Stairs, Shocker just feel like such a light work. Serpent is an excellent zombie/voodoo flick. People is just so damn weird. Shocker, meanwhile, feels like an old school B-movie sci-fi flick. It would be great, pulpy fun if not for the fact that…

2). The running time is too damn long. Shocker is nearly two hours long, but its premise is so preposterous and its characters so goofy that it really needed to come in at a tight 90 minutes. Craven couldn’t do much cutting, though, since…

3). Shocker keeps changing its rules. The creators of Star Trek held a simple tenet: You can only introduce so many rules for your fictional world before viewers stop caring. Once you set those rules, you need to either follow them to the letter or explain why you’re circumventing them. You can’t break the laws of physics, and you should treat your fictional world the same. But Shocker keeps adding stuff. For the first 45 minutes, it’s about a psychic kid. Then it’s about a guy with electrical powers. Then it’s about a guy who lives in the TV. I personally thought the film was strongest when dealing with Pinker as a depowered serial killer. Instead, Shocker has a jack of all trades, master or none thing going on. This is further exacerbated by the fact that…

4). Horace Pinker is clearly Craven’s attempt to create another Freddy Krueger. Dude has the same annoying penchant for one-liners, and the whole psychic kids angle isn’t exactly original for Craven either. I get what makes Krueger so iconic: He tortured kids, he got them while they were at their most vulnerable, and he just straight up looked cool. Pinker’s m.o. is less specific, he just kinda showed up whenever, and he wore a lame orange jumpsuit. He’s a blander villain in every way.

Reflection: Megadeth did the soundtrack, though. So that’s cool.

The People Under the Stairs (1991)

Tagline: In every neighborhood there is one house that adults whisper about and children cross the street to avoid. Now Wes Craven, creator of A Nightmare on Elm Street, takes you inside…

Curiosity: Edgar Wright said it was good.

Plot: Fool (Brandon Adams, The Mighty Ducks) is sick of The Man (Everett McGill) holding down his people. Spurred on by his sister’s friend Leroy (Ving Rhames), the two decide to break into his house and steal enough money to pay for his mother’s much needed operation. But it turns out The Man is one freaky deaky dude, as Fool and Leroy uncover a house filled with traps, dead ends… and incestuous cannibals.

Also this represents the Reagan Administration.

Thoughts: The People Under the Stairs is a weird, weird movie. It’s hilariously dated, saturated in its early ’90s-ness by hip-hop, acid-washed jeans, and nauseatingly bright shirts. But here’s the thing: All of these slick signifiers actually boost the film’s surreal elements. The idea of a kid getting trapped in a house with cannibals is already strange; the outfits just up the ante.

People’s horror elements intrigue me. It came out after the crackdown on gore, so it’s surprisingly light on blood save for one scene. But this just makes Craven drive the characters towards a higher level of insanity. The Man and The Woman (Wendy Robie), who are never named, spend a lot of time screaming, dressing up in leather gimp outfits, and just generally acting crazed. While some aspects of the movie feel underdeveloped (the title characters don’t really factor in that much), The People Under the Stairs is still a bizarre romp. What’s truly bizarre about it is that it came out well before the Fritzl case, in which a man actually did keep his daughter and several of his incest-born children locked underground. Like I said, it’s a weird, weird movie.

Reflection: While I’m a little cool to the Reagan symbolism, I did enjoy the trickle down economics of the ending.

Cannibal Holocaust (1980)

Tagline: The most controversial movie ever made.

Curiosity: Did you not see the tagline? I’ve wanted to see this movie since I was like 14.

Plot: Cannibal Holocaust is essentially split into two segments. When a documentary crew disappears in South America, an anthropologist named Harold Monroe (Robert Kerman) goes in search of them. After bonding with a tribe and participating in one of their cannibalistic ceremonies, he is able to retrieve their film reels. The second half of the film consists of Monroe watching the footage to learn what happened [SPOILER ALERT: Shit got real.]

Thoughts: While I don’t think I could have ever liked this movie, I’m definitely too old to watch it now. Ostensibly, Cannibal Holocaust is supposed to be a commentary on society or some shit. But it’s really just an Italian cannibal exploitation flick, so that whole “who’s really civilized?” angle doesn’t make up for the copious amount of rape ‘n’ animal torture scenes. I’m an animal activist and a RAINN supporter. I don’t need to watch monkeys get their faces chopped off.

Sure, there’s a critical part of me that has to admit that this film is genuinely shocking. I felt nauseous during several scenes. But it never scared nor entertained me, nor did it provoke critical thought. As a social commentary, Cannibal Holocaust is pretty piss-poor. Reading about the film’s production made me even sicker. The director and producer cut a lot of corners to get the film made on the cheap, so they abused extras without giving them proper compensation. They slaughtered seven animals over the course of filming. At least the rape scenes weren’t real.

As an American, I believe in freedom of speech. But I recognize that that freedom still has limits. The classic example is shouting fire in a crowded theater and causing damage. But as far as films go, I know that I have things that offend me, just like everyone else. While I consider myself a fan of, say, the Hostel films, I still have to draw a line somewhere to indicate what I consider to be appropriate and inappropriate for a movie. Cannibal Holocaust is that line.

Reflection: Man, I like monkeys.

The Perfect Host (2011)

Tagline: Dinner parties are a dying art.

Curiosity: David Hyde Pierce gets all types of American Psycho.

Plot: When his getaway after a bank robbery goes awry, John (Clayne Crawford) has to find a place to hideout, and fast. He settles for tricking Warwick (Pierce) into thinking he’s a friend of a friend. Warwick is getting ready to host a dinner party, but John’s lies about getting mugged are too heartbreaking for him to ignore. But when John threatens to kill him, Warwick lets loose his innermost demons. And shit.

Thoughts: For the first 60 minutes, The Perfect Host is really good. Even though you know from the advertising that Pierce is going to trap Crawford’s character, there’s still an energy that comes with watching them play cat and mouse. And when Pierce does finally go into full-on crazy mode, he gives an incredible performance. He pantomimes through scene after scene as he talks to people who aren’t there. He betrays no hint of irony as he fully commits to acting alongside hallucinations. He nails it in scene after scene, even approaching camp during a dance revue before culminating in the creepiest sex scene I’ve seen in a long time. Pierce is flawless, while Crawford gradually switches the audience’s feelings towards his character, gradually giving him sympathetic qualities that lend the film some ground to stand on. It’s a thankless straight man role, but Crawford holds his own.

But after that 60-minute mark, The Perfect Host just about falls apart. It pulls out too many twists in its final 30 minutes, and each one feels like a mistake or a missed opportunity. The wheels start coming off at a rapid clip as it morphs from a horror film to a standard cop drama, with each twist feeling increasingly belabored. While I can respect writer/director Nick Tomnay’s decision to go for something out of the ordinary here, the ending belongs to a different movie altogether. I would not have minded having a more traditional ending, even if it would have been more predictable. As is, the film can be broken up into three 30-minutes: 1) When John is in control, 2) When Warwick is in control, and 3) When twists start piling up like a car wreck.

Reflection: Pierce is as creepy here as he is funny in Wet Hot American Summer, even though the characters are only removed by a few degrees.

From Dusk till Dawn (1996)

Tagline: One night is all that stands between them and freedom. But it’s going to be one hell of a night.

Curiosity: Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez made a vampire/gangster mash-up movie.

Plot: After Richie (Tarantino) busts his brother Seth (George Clooney) out of prison, the two hightail it to Mexico. They leave a trail of destruction along the way before picking up some hostages (a religious family played by Harvey Keitel, Ernest Liu, and Kalifornia’s Juliette Lewis). They plan to hide out for a night at a roadside strip bar, but then vampires show up randomly and start causing hijinx.

Thoughts: One of the things that caught me by surprise when revisiting From Dusk till Dawn was how Tarantino and Rodriguez’s careers have progressed. While he would revisit B-movies on Death Proof, Tarantino also elevated his beloved low culture genres to high art status with flicks like Kill Bill and Inglourious Basterds. Aside from forays into children’s entertainment, Rodriguez keeps making genre trash. Hilarious genre trash, mind you, but I have yet to truly love one of his movies like I did Kill Bill.

The same could be said for From Dusk till Dawn. There’s a lot of great talent involved, and Clooney, Keitel, and Lewis all give great performances. But the movie never quite sizzles. In fact, peaks early with its opening scene, in which the brothers hold up a liquor store. It’s intense, but also cheeky in its way. The downside to this is that the film never recaptures that tension, although Keitel does his best to bring the story some gravitas.

Still, it’s a fun goof of a vampire slick. B-movie icons Fred Williamson (Inglorious Bastards) and Tom Savini (Dawn of the Dead) show up for a bit and give the film some much needed silliness. The special effects are cool in some scenes, appropriately tacky in others. Dusk isn’t the best movie for any of the creative forces involved, but it’s still a joy to watch them all work together.

Reflection: There’s just something about watching Tom Savini rock a leather jacket that makes sense, man.

Rubber (2010)

Tagline: Are you TIRED of the expected?

Curiosity: A rubber tire with psychokinetic powers blows up people’s heads.

Plot: A rubber tire with psychokinetic powers blows up people’s heads… sort of.

Thoughts: One of the problems I’ve encountered with contemporary horror movies is that they’re too self-aware. They use humor to make up for, say, poor budgets or a hooky story. Humor can be a good defense mechanism on the schoolyard, but it sucks the joy out of filmmaking. Rubber, unfortunately, suffers from trying too hard to be meta/ironic.

I’m not against horror comedies. I love the Evil Dead trilogy as much as the next dork. The Monster Squad and Shaun of the Dead are two of my favorite movies of all time. But if you’re going to do a commentary on horror films, you better have something to say. Monster Squad examined finer, sillier points of monster movies (“WOLFMAN’S GOT NARDS!”). Shaun of the Dead goofed on George A. Romero’s zombie rules while still following them. Rubber tries to poke fun at the idea of schlocky horror movies with stupid monsters, in this case with a tire.

For the first 25 minutes or so, Rubber feels like an update of every terrible ’50s monster movie. It even has one of a disclaimer for the opening scene. But the film quickly disappears up its own meta-asshole. Writer/director Quentin Dupieux uses a chorus to comment on the movie’s action, but they overwhelm the movie. The story becomes more about shutting up the chorus than it is about a murderous tire. It’s a novel idea at first, as the chorus pokes fun at the movie’s ludicrous elements. But it becomes more about telling than it is showing. Watching Rubber is like attending a screening for a cult horror movie and just watching the audience instead. And that’s no fun at all.

Reflection: Oh shit, it’s Fat Neil from Community!

Black Dog (1998)

Tagline: The only way to stay safe to stay moving.

Curiosity: Patrick Swayze (Dirty Dancing! Road House! Next of Kin?) and Meat Loaf fight each other… with trucks!

Plot: Jack Crews (The Swayze) was once the best truck driver in all the world. He drove stuff from Point A to Point B, even if the stuff was nuclear weapons or whatever. He was good at what he did. But then he killed a guy because he is also a terrible, terrible driver and lost his license. He even did jail time despite being an A-OK guy otherwise.

Once he gets out of prison, though, Crews realizes his family is about to lose their house. Crews can’t go back to “the city,” what with “the gangs” and “the drugs” and “the rap music.” In comes Cutler (Graham Beckel) with an offer too good to be honest: Deliver a load of stuff, no questions asked, for a whole lot of money. Oh sure, the load might be toilets. But inside those toilets ain’t poop, it’s guns, pal.

Er’rybody wants these guns. Cutler’s buyer wants to sell them on the streets. Cutler’s henchman Red (Meat Loaf) wants to steal them for his own gains. And you best believe the FBI and ATF, spearheaded by bickering agents Charles Dutton (Alien 3, Legion… this guy is better than most of his movies deserve, really) and Stephen Toblowsky want those guns.

What’s a Swayze to do but keep on truckin’?

Thoughts: I think writers William Mickelberry and Dan Vining had an idea for a movie about truckers caught in a gun smuggling ring. That’s a decent idea for an action movie. I think they even researched it pretty thoroughly, as Black Dog explains tons of details about the trucker life, like weigh stations and lingo. Then I think they realized their movie was still boring, so they added a ton of other bullshit to spice it up.

Black Dog is a solid actioner, but it never ups the stakes enough. Oh it tries and tries to pile stuff on (Red won’t die! Cutler has Swayze’s wife and child!), but it never quite hits that perfect percentage of dramatic tension and human interest. It also ends like three times before it really ends. Considering it’s only 89 minutes long, the story really is threadbare despite being overstuffed with additions like the idea of a ghostly black dog that haunts greedy truckers.

I find the black dog concept to be superfluous to the film. It’s supposed to give Swayze’s character something to struggle against but, honestly, he’s already trying to save his house and, later in the film, his family. Dude’s got enough on his plate. At first I thought it was a bullshit addition, then I found out the black dog is actually a British myth, not an American one, and I just laughed.

Black Dog has some cool driving sequences. It’s also got my man Swayze being a hardass. But so much of the movie could have been cut, from Red’s random Bible quotes to Randy Travis’ character Earl entirely (Sorry Randy Travis).

Reflection: You still my boy, Swayze.

The Supreme Swordsman (1984)

Tagline: 99 have fallen. One remains.

Curiosity: It’s been a while since I really obsessed over a kung-fu movie, and I heard good things about the Shaw Brothers.

Plot: This guy with a mustache is trying to collect 100 swords. But instead of buying them, he wants to kill dudes and take their swords. He’s building a house out of swords, you see. But when he goes to collect on his one hundredth sword, he gets defeated by this other guy. Other Guy lets Mustache Guy live, but Mustache Guy is so pissed off about it, especially when he finds out that his sensei didn’t teach him a super secret black magic fighting move. So, Mustache Guy kills his sensei and some guy’s dad, stealing both the fighting move and the most amazing sword ever in the process. It’s up to Some Guy to beat Mustache Guy, to both avenge his father’s death and to end Mustache Guy’s reign of facial hairy terror.

Thoughts: Even though it’s only 100 minutes long, Supreme Swordsman is kind of awkward to watch. Part of that is because of the subtitles. There are plenty of weird word choices – people always refer to their elders as “senior,” for example. But the movie also just jumps off halfway through and starts up an entirely other movie.

Not to get all spoilery, but most of the movie is concerned with Mustache Guy’s rise to power and Some Guy’s quest for revenge. But when it segues into Some Guy’s training, it becomes all about his misadventures, in which he takes strange Chinese herbs and tries to save a lady and even goes to hell for a bit. It’s an entirely different movie, and while it’s more satisfying than a Western training montage would have been, it still comes out of nowhere and goes on a little too long.

Then again, I didn’t buy Supreme Swordsman for the plot. I wanted to see kung-fu ‘n’ sword fights, and I got both in abundance. While the choreography is a little too clean (I prefer the primal beat downs of Bruce Lee and Tony Jaa), it still satisfied my thirst for dude-smashin’.

Reflection: Holy shit, Shaw Brothers Studio put out so many kung-fu movies.

Drive, He Said (1971)

Tagline: The disenchantment of an all-American jock.

Curiosity: It sprang from the mind of Jack Nicholson after he knocked out the excellent films Easy Rider and Five Easy Pieces.

Plot: While star basketball player Hector (William Tepper) debates if he wants to A) play in the NBA and/or B) keeping getting freaky with his college professor’s wife Olive (Karen Black), his asshole roommate Gabriel (Michael Margotta) tries to dodge the draft. At various points, director Nicholson parades what he calls “a symphony of dicks.”

Thoughts: There were some great existentialist films from the ’70s, like Two-Lane Blacktop, Easy Rider, and Five Easy Pieces. While sparse in story, they captured a growing melancholy in the American consciousness, melded with a need to live in the now.

Drive, He Said is not that kind of movie, but it wants to be quiet badly. It tries to pose Big Life Questions, like “Why are we in Vietnam?” and “Why do we participate in consumerism?” Those questions are important, and still relevant in 2011, but since Gabriel the madman is the one posing them, they fall flat.

Gabriel is meant to represent the dark side of freedom, the unrepentant, angry, disaffected kind, and he does, but not the way filmmakers intended. Within the context of the story, he’s supposed to be a charming revolutionary who’s gonna rage against the man. His quest to fight the draft results in him munching psychotropic drugs in an attempt to be declared insane, which works, but it also causes him to sexually assault an unrelated character for no reason. The RAINN rep in me was repulsed by that scene, and all I could think was, “This guy’s a prick.” And he’s a prick through the whole got-damn movie. At no point does the movie offer any reason for anyone to like Gabriel, yet he scores loyal followers and sexual partners constantly. He’s meant to be a tragic character, but he’s so unlikable that my sympathy dissipates.

Same goes for Hector. Dude has an easy job, gets laid all the time, and whines about it. Sorry baby boomers, but thems first world problems.

Reflection: For a guy with that much body hair, you’d think Hector would be more thankful for the attention women give him.

The Adjustment Bureau (2011)

Tagline: Fight for your fate.

Curiosity: My fiancée has a crush on Emily Blunt.

Plot: A mysterious shadow agency tries to stop Matt Damon from fucking Emily Blunt.

Thoughts: It makes me feel good to know that my fiancée occasionally picks shitty movies too. She might question my taste and sanity, but she’s picked some clunkers just like me. The Adjustment Bureau is one of those clunkers. An adaptation of a Philip K. Dick story, the film’s sole saving grace is the chemistry between leads Damon and Blunt, by which I mean I could see Damon legitimately wanting to hump Blunt. The two show real fireworks, and I’m honestly not sure who’s more charming.

But the movie that’s built around them is lame-o. A secret organization called the Adjustment Bureau uses a guide for planning out all of civilization. While humans can control small decisions, like what to watch on TV, the big choices – who to marry, where to work – are handled by the Bureau. Free will, when it matters, does not exist in this society. And that’s a cool Orwellian sort of idea, except that it doesn’t add up to much here. For Damon, the tagline of fighting for one’s fate adds up to trying to get naked time with Blunt. That’s it.

Granted, the Adjustment Bureau doesn’t come off as nefarious, so it’s not like Damon’s character has much inkling to rage against the machine (That would probably reek too much of The Matrix anyway. Or maybe Robot Holocaust?). But the resulting plot of obtaining sloppy make-outs feels too small. The Bureau, in turn, feels too vaguely defined to build tension. They start off slightly intimidating, until you realize they’re a sci-fi riff on Judeo-Christian ideology. But I just didn’t feel like there was much at stake. The film also breaks an important science fiction rule: Never double up suspension of disbelief. I can accept that there’s a group who secretly controls the world. But they’re given a weakness near the end of the film that exists simply to create a happy ending. It smacks of bad writing.

Reflection: Emily Blunt does seem pretty cool though.

Head (1968)

Tagline: A movie for a turned-on audience!

Curiosity: It came with the “America Lost and Found” boxed set from The Criterion Collection.

Plot: I have no idea what’s going on, man.

Thoughts: Head is an important movie because of what happened after its release; namely, it set Jack Nicholson up for a role in break-out films like Easy Rider, One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, and Five Easy Pieces. He co-wrote and even briefly appeared in Head. The film also launched BBS, a pivotal production company if for no other reason than they made Easy Rider, which, for all the baby boomer bullshit that gets attached nowadays, is still a really, really good road movie. So yeah, let me just say that Head is an important movie.

But it sure isn’t a good one. Sheesh hoosafex, does this movie stink like butts on all fronts. It’s essentially a plotless 90-minutes in which The Monkees (Michael Nesmith, Peter Tork, Micky Dolenz, and Davy Jones) run around make absurdist statements and occasionally breaking into song. They show up in various situations (a Western, a war, a big black box, etc.) and crack wise, but it never adds up to anything coherent. It’s very psychedelic, but at 90 minutes, it’s a bit of a chore. And let me say, Easy Rider managed to be trippier with its acid sequence and tell a coherent story, however sparse.

Still, Head did make me laugh a few times. The opening scene, in which an official’s attempts to use a microphone result in a repetitious drone, was hilarious. Random oddball jokes scored a chuckle (Frank Zappa appears to remind Davy Jones about the need for artistic integrity, before walking off with a talking cow). I also like whenever the laughing giant guy shows up for no reason. The movie could’ve used more WTF moments like that, because as is, Head just isn’t something I see myself watching ever again. I’m not necessarily against movies steeped in drug culture, Head is just a complete mess. Rumor has it The Monkees made it to sabotage their goofy TV image. Well, mission accomplished.

Reflection: For a great movie-with-musicians, check out Two-Lane Blacktop instead.

Spy Game (2001)

Tagline: It’s not how you play the game. It’s how the game plays you.

Curiosity: My fiancée is all about Brad Pitt and, curiously, Robert Redford.

Plot: When secret agent Tom Bishop (Pitt) is captured trying to break out a woman from a Chinese prison, Washington goes poop-crazy. The only friend Tom has left is Nathan Muir (Redford). It’s his last day of on the force (ain’t that always the way?), but he’ll be darned if anybody is gonna mess with that handsome devil Tommy Bishop. Only thing is, Muir needs to trick his opponents in order to free Bishop. He’s gotta play the game. The SPY game, if you will.

The spy game involves sending in the Navy SEALs to fuck shit up [SPOILER ALERT].

Thoughts: What makes Spy Game so great is that it’s essentially two hours of Robert Redford being smarter than everyone ever. People will be all like, “Hey Robert Redford, your friend is totally gonna die and you can’t save him and also you have to retire, dick-butt.” And then Redford will say “Yeah, you’re right,” to their faces. But in his head he’s all “Shazam! I got this.”

…and that’s pretty much all that’s going on. We get a lot of weird backstory about Pitt and Redford meeting in Vietnam (the bulk of the story takes place in 1991, by the by), which is hilariously First Blood-ish. But mostly, it’s just your body Redford telling people to eat a bag of dicks. Because that’s what happens when you lose the spy game, baby.

Reflection: I don’t think Brad Pitt has any lines for the first 40 minutes. Discuss.

Rise of the Planet of the Apes (2011)

Tagline: Evolution becomes revolution.

Curiosity: Apes be getting crazy! Also my baby girl wanted to see this for some reason (I blame Freida Pinto).

Plot: Dr. Will Rodman (James Franco) is trying to cure Alzheimer’s, and the key to doing so lies in creating a virus that can repair brain cells. Not only does this virus repair cells, though, it also creates new ones, resulting in a marked increase in intelligence in the apes he’s testing the virus on. But when one of the apes, Bright Eyes, goes psycho-crazy, Rodman loses his funding and is ordered to kill the rest of the test subjects. But he can’t bring himself to kill Bright Eyes’ baby, Caesar (Andy Serkis). Instead, he raises Caesar in secret with his Alzheimer’s-stricken father (John Lithgow). Rodman and Caesar become good buddies, and together they pick up a pretty lady (Pinto) and have some great times.

Then shit gets fucked.

Thoughts: I feel like most of my praise for Rise of the Planet of the Apes consists of backhanded compliments. It’s pretty good, despite being the seventh Apes movie and having a terrible ad campaign and jumping around plot points considerably. But it’s true: I don’t think many people on the Internets thought it was gong to be a good movie, and instead it’s the best movie to come out this summer. What the fuck.

If anything, what makes the film work is that it borrows strategies from Batman Begins (gritty reboot that respects the source material and jettisons camp) and 2001: A Space Odyssey (the most human character isn’t actually human). Serkis has always done incredible motion capture work (Lord of the Rings, King Kong), and Apes is yet another moving performance from the guy in a wet suit. But the whole cast is great, if underutilized. Franco gets plenty of screen time, but Pinto, Lithgow, and Brian Cox all feel underutilized. They’re great, as is Tom Felton (trading the British douchebaggery of Draco Malfoy for the American douchebaggery of Dodge Landon), but they all could have gotten more.

But then, Apes needs its brisk pacing to keep things moving, considering it takes place over the course of about 15 years or something. It also jumps from genre to genre – rom-com to sci-fi to drama to action – so focusing on any one element might have derailed the film. While I wouldn’t exactly put it on the same level as Batman Begins or 2001 – too many convenient plot twists – it’s an emotionally affecting work. You can come into with the thinnest awareness of the Apes franchise and still get caught up in the characters, although fans will surely enjoy all of the references to the series. Sure it gets clunky at times – recycling that “Damn dirty ape” bit is too obvious – but as a whole, Rise of the Planet of the Apes is easily the best movie of the summer.

Verdict: Seriously, best movie with worst ad campaign 2011. I’m glad it’s making money despite the truly shitty trailers and posters.

Heavy Metal (1981)

Tagline: A step beyond science fiction!

Curiosity: I was never allowed to watch it as a kid. That, Black Sabbath’s “Mob Rules” is on the soundtrack, and that tune fuggin’ rules.

Plot: Dudes fuck busty ladies with their boners. Also, some bad guys are trying to obtain a green orb with mysterious powers.

But mostly boners.

Thoughts: Oh wow. Oh… geez, man. In order to appreciate Heavy Metal, you really need to be in the film’s target demographic, which is horny 13-year-old boys. Otherwise, you might fixate on how every character is nothing more than a sex party waiting to happen, or how the plot is a paper-thin boob-delivery system. But even judged as fan service, Heavy Metal falls short due to uneven animation. I just don’t think the human body works the way the film depicts.

As science fiction, Heavy Metal is even worse. The orb actually reminds me of the one ring from Lord of the Rings, in that both are evil objects that few can control. Except Lord of the Rings is a literary masterpiece, and Heavy Metal is a piece of shit.

But wait, given that the movie is called Heavy Metal, it surely must have a ballin’ soundtrack, right? Wrong. Outside of Black Sabbath and maybe Blue Öyster Cult, there is no metal on the soundtrack. Sure, it’s got Devo, whom I love, but they seem inappropriate. What makes the collection laughable, though, is the inclusion of artists like Journey, Sammy Hagar, Grand Funk Railroad, and fucking Stevie Nicks. I know Heavy Metal is “inspired” by a sci-fi erotica mag, but this music is just shit.

Reflection: IF YOU LISTEN TO FOOLS / THE MOB RULES / GUITAR SQUEALIE!

Captain America: The First Avenger (2011)

Tagline: Discover the origin of the first avenger.

Curiosity: My man Chris Evans plays Marvel’s best piece of political commentary, Captain America.

Plot: Scrawny Steve Rodgers (Evans) just wants to serve his country, but with all his health ailments, the armed forces continually reject him. Finally, though, he meets German ex-pat scientist Dr. Erskine (Stanley Tucci), who admires his dedication to a moral life that defies flags and governments and stuff. The good doctor selects Rodgers to be the test subject for a super soldier formula, much to the consternation of folks like British agent Peggy Carter (Hayley Atwell) and U.S. Colonel Chester Phillips (Tommy Lee Jones). Even his best friend Bucky (Sebastian Stan, who is Romanian. DID YOU KNOW THAT?) can’t believe Steve’s luck. But when Nazi spies kill Erskine and unveil a new, technologically advanced sect called HYDRA, Steve quickly sets about proving his worth.

Thoughts: I really need the Avengers movie to be good. It was cool when the idea first got floated out in Iron Man, but I’m starting to get burned out on the build-up. Films like Iron Man 2 and Thor were uneven due to the Avengers side plot; Captain America is bookended by Avengers developments, distracting from an otherwise solid, gee-wiz sort of World War II action piece a la Indiana Jones. The creamy middle consists of a stellar cast (Seriously; everyone pulls their weight, just like in Thor), fun action sequences, and even a bit of humor. Yeah, Captain America gets hokey in spots, but that comes with the character. It’s even a little endearing.

If Avengers sucks, Captain America will be diminished. Which is a shame, since director Joe Johnston (The Wolfman, The Rocketeer) delivered a tightly paced, fun, but still emotionally rewarding movie. Yeah, it’s a little by-the-numbers as far as superhero movies go, but the cast elevates the script considerably. Evans sparks chemistry with just else everyone else in the cast, from his love interest Peggy to his enemy the Red Skull (Hugo Weaving, nerds’ go-to guy for anything dorky and intense). Another important difference is in how the movie switches up the superhero movie conventions. Steve doesn’t have Spider-man or Batman’s tortured psyches or Iron Man ‘n’ Thors’ issues with redemption. He just wants to do the right thing, and he won’t stop until he’s done his duty. In other movies, the superhero has to develop his personal code of ethics; Rodgers always knew where he stood even before he became Captain America. The character can be boiled down to a single line: “I don’t like bullies.”

I find that endearing, and while I take issues with the film’s ending (Not Johnston’s fault, but it still wastes some great opportunities to mine Marvel’s vaults), I still loved Captain America from start to finish.

Verdict: Seriously, give me an Invaders movie with Cap, Sub-Mariner, and the original Human Torch. Do it up.