The Marine 3: Homefront (2013)

Tagline: He's back home from war, but the battle has just begun.

Curiosity: I unironically love the shit out of the first two movies. No, seriously

Plot: When his sister and his dickless boyfriend get kidnapped by terrorists on a rusted out boat, it's up to marine Jake Carter (Reality show star the Miz) to save the day. Well, him and a whole mess of cops and government agents. Also the terrorists are kind of bumbling and have vaguely defined plans. You know what, Jake, just go home. Everything is going to be fine.

Thoughts: It finally happened. I finally hated a Marine movie. And let me tell you, watching the Marine trilogy (TRILOGY!!!) has been a rather significant bonding experience for my friends Nick, Eric, and I. Dubbed "Night of Men," we saw the original in theaters. That's right, we paid to see it in a theater, and then paid to own it on DVD. Eric and Nick are almost definitely going to buy it again on Blu-Ray. These were action movies that deserve to be cult favorites. They blend humor and explosions into a fine mix rarely seen these days.

The first in a three-picture deal with Fox, The Marine 3 breaks away from the series by A) having a sister get kidnapped instead of a wife and B) making the titular Marine completely inconsequential to the plot. Seriously. Jake Carter's actions do not matter in this movie. The terrorists, led by a slumming Neil McDonough, start off pretty cool with a bank heist so precisely planned that they know the most secretest details about the bank's staff...only to set the money on fire. The whole thing has an Occupy connotation to it, but it neglects to mention that most banks in the U.S. have this thing called insurance. Their actions do not accomplish anything.

After the heist, their motivation gets completely lost. They buy a shit ton of guns, shot their weapons dealer for haggling, and then hang out on a boast for most of the film's 85 minutes. When they finally get a chance to do something (plant bombs or something), they get caught in a shootout with law enforcement in the streets, Heat-style. Even when Jake gets a chance to shine by disposing of the bombs, he still feels inessential to the plot simply by trying too hard. The Miz simply does not get enough to do despite playing the main character.

Nick observed that the title character feels shoehorned into the film, as if WWE Films bought the script and then added some Mariney stuff to keep the franchise going. Compared to the production values on the first two films, there's very little here in the way of choreography, set design, plot... everything, really. The film barely makes any sense, even by action movie standards. Watching the special features is profoundly uncomfortable, as the cast and crew try to sound excited about filming on an actually abandoned, tetanus-loaded boat.

I cannot recommend the first two Marine films enough, as they have a real charm to them. Marine 3, however, simply does not meet that standard. It plays more like a made-for-TV movie, bad effects 'n' all.

Reflections: I cannot believe I keep buying these movies, nor can I believe how sad the documentaries make me feel.

Justice League / Justice League Unlimited (2001-2006)

Tagline: More Batman!

Curiosity: More Batman!

Plot: When Superman and Batman realize they’re outnumbered in an alien invasion, they enlist the help of Wonder Woman (she’s strong and can fly!), the Flash (he’s fast!), Green Lantern (he can fly and make green stuff shoot out of his ring and he yells a lot!), Hawkgirl (she can fly and she yells a lot too!), and the mysterious Martian J’onn J’onzz (his powers kinda fluctuate a little bit…). After stopping that threat, the collective decides to form a team of superheroes, dubbed the Justice League. And they take on new threats every couple of weeks, in thrilling two-part episodes. Or, if you’re watching Justice League Unlimited, for a length of time that changes every so often.

Thoughts: I like Justice League. But I don’t love it. Coming off of the darker storytelling of Batman and the ambitious retro fantasies of Superman, it feels a little, well, vanilla. Part of that at least comes from the producers taking on new challenges. Showrunner Bruce Timm was against helming a Justice League adaptation in the ’90s simply because he couldn’t see all of those characters getting enough screen time (He apparently didn’t watch X-Men…). Switching to team-based storytelling was a hard challenge for the writers, so they opted tell episodes in two-parter installments. About half of the stories they created warranted the extended format; the remainder usually has about 1.5 episodes of story and .5 filler.

But the problems didn’t end with the writing. Justice League is the first show Timm and co. did with all digital production. As of such, the animation in the first season has a very flat, uniform look to it. Every fire looks the same. Everybody moves the same. It takes a few episodes for the show to achieve a strong visual style. The same thing happened to Batman, but that was also Timm’s first show. The first season of Justice League is like watching the master relearn everything he knew about making a TV show.

The other big problem, as I can see it, is the Internet, and that’s a double-edged issue. By monitoring message boards, Timm was able to integrate feedback almost instantly. For example, many stories had Superman get knocked out first in battle, so as to establish that a given villain was a serious threat. When fanboys pointed out that it has become a writing crutch, Timm snapped out of it. But he also started including a little too much fanboy humor that, occasionally, went against character. Then again, look at me. I’m using the Internet to complain about superhero stories. How original.

From JL’s second season onward, it’s a strong cartoon that rewards dedicated viewing. Justice League and Justice League Unlimited build on loose ends from Timm’s other DC shows. The aborted fifth season of Superman actually folds nicely into JLU’s first season. Every nook and cranny of the DC universe gets explored, resulting in some pretty weird, but great, television. Batman, of course, is my favorite superhero on the show, but the producers do some pretty excellent work with the Flash as well. While he’s not that well utilized (the show had a tough time balancing superpowers. The idea that the Flash, Martian Manhunter, and Superman would be on the same level as Hawkgirl or the Elongated Man is kind of preposterous), the few episodes that focus on the Flash are usually hilarious and/or action packed. They remind me of Superman, actually.

One thing that I prefer about Justice League Unlimited over Superman or Batman is the idea of a season-long story arch. The first JLU season covers the shadow government’s attempts to control and neutralize the Justice League, and it features a stellar performance from the perfectly cast Jeffrey Combs as the Question. The second season covers Lex Luther’s attempts at uniting with Braniac. At just 13 episodes, it’s the briefest season by far, but it’s still solid.

Top 10 Episodes:
1. Twilight (of the Gods)
2. The Great Brain Robbery
3. The Enemy Below
4. Double Date
5. For the Man Who Has Everything
6. Divided We Fall
7. The Savage Time
8. Injustice For All
9. The Once and Future Thing
10. Kids’ Stuff

Reflection: On the one hand, I watch too many cartoons for a married man. On the other hand, I sure would like to revisit Teen Titans…

Superman: The Animated Series (1996-2000)

Tagline: More powerful than a locomotive! Not as cool as Batman!

Curiosity: Bruce Timm followed up his brilliant Batman adaptation with this spin on the Superman mythology.

Plot: In the city of Metropolis lives Superman (voiced by Tim Daly), the last known survivor of a planet called Krypton. Powered by Earth’s yellow sunlight, Superman can fly, see through anything other than lead, and use super strength and heat vision to combat those who would threaten his adopted home. And there are many, ranging from the murderous, god-like conqueror Darkseid (Michael Ironside) to the bizarre Toyman (Bud Cort). Luckily, Superman has a bevy of buds on his side, like ace reporter/love interest Lois Lane (Dan Delaney), budding photography Jimmy Olsen (David Kaufman), and the superhero Steel (MOTHERFUCKIN’ MICHAEL “WORF” DORN).

Anyway, Superman spends his days catching cars and going on space adventures and fighting dinosaurs. How the hell is he not as popular at Batman?!

Thoughts: Batman: The Animated Series is an amazing piece of superheroics and noir darkness. It’s a really, really good show. But if I had to compare it with Superman in terms of consistency, I’d say Supes got the better show. Batman ran for a while before Timm got the scripting and animation up to a high quality. Superman benefited from being his second show. While it never quite matches Batman at its best, there’s a more open world, filled with a sense of gee whiz adventure, prevalent in Superman that makes it a thrilling watch.

It’s also straight up a more ambitious show. Batman tried really hard to tone down DC’s dense comic book history for kids; Superman combined the Silver Age and John Byrne eras, threw in obscure heroes, and even had the guts for two-, even three-part epics. The very first pilot episode barely even has Superman in it! It’s all about his dad Jor-El! While the writers had trouble generating tension in their stories (Superman is just about impossible to defeat), Superman as a whole is a wondrous, stunning show to behold.

Put it another way; when I finished watching Batman, I was sad, but still very satisfied with the run. Superman, though, only ran for 54 episodes before Timm moved on to Batman Beyond. And it ends on such a downer! I didn’t realize it when the show originally aired, but you know that episode where Darkseid brainwashes Superman into attacking the Earth and scaring the shit out of everyone? And then Superman finally kicks the shit out of Darkseid but it doesn’t matter because everyone is afraid of Superman now? THAT’S THE LAST EPISODE. That’s such a downer ending. Holy shit you guys. I just… wow.

Top 10 Episodes:

1. Legacy Parts I-II
2. The Last Son of Krypton Parts I-III
3. Apokolips…Now! Parts I-II
4. The Late Mr. Kent
5. World’s Finest Parts I-III
6. Knight Time
7. A Fish Story
8. Heavy Metal
9. Feeding Time
10. Monkey Fun

Reflection: Who am I kidding? Of course I still like Batman more.

Batman: The Animated Series (1992-1999)

Tagline: I am vengeance. I am the night. I… AM… BATMAN!

Curiosity: He’s the goddamn Batman.

Plot: Billionaire playboy Bruce Wayne (Kevin Conroy) may be one handsome dude, but he’s actually a costumed vigilante known as… THE BATMAN. Batman protects Gotham City from a horrible horde of villains, including The Joker (Mark Hamill), Catwoman (Adrienne Barbeau), and Da Riddler (John Glover, my man from Brimstone… but you probably know him from Smallville. Or that one episode of Star Trek: Deep Space Nine where he kidnapped Dax). These villains may be cartoony compared to X-Men, but they’re still quite deadly.

Luckily, Batman has help from Robin/Nightwing (Loren Lester), Batgirl (Melissa Gilbert), and his faithful butler Alfred (Efrem Zimbalist Jr.). A second Robin joins them later on (Matthew Valencia).

Thoughts: The impact Bruce Timm and company had on Batman, and comics in general, when they launched this cartoon is impressive. Batman: The Animated Series helped bring the darker take on the character begun by Frank Miller, Alan Moore, and Tim Burton to a grander level, creating a show that routinely dealt with death and violence without celebrating them. It created a dark, troubled world, led by a single man capable of cutting through all the moral ambiguity. It instilled morality in me, that’s for sure.

At the same time, the animated series took the sillier elements of Batman’s history and managed to update them without mocking them (especially so on “Legends of the Dark Knight”). Sometimes it didn’t always pay off – season four’s attempts to create the kind ridiculous villains found on Adam West’s Batman run seems misguided – but the show’s experiments also yielded new, refreshing takes on the likes of Mr. Freeze, Poison Ivy, and many more.

More than any other superhero, Batman represents purity to me, the same way Ian MacKaye or Bill Watterson do. He’s incorruptible. Superman is too powerful and Marvel characters have too much personal drama at stake. But, setting aside his limitless wealth, Batman is a pure driving force dedicated to the preservation of society and a role model. Yes, you can make the case for him being a fascist who rules by fear, but damn it he gets results. And we can all be just like him simply by caring. We might not have his adventures, but we can certainly preserve his legacy.

Sorry, that got tangential. Based on the first 20 episodes, I feared that the animated series wouldn’t hold up. The animated looks rubbery and inconsistent, and the plots are too simplistic. But then, the producers had a lot origin stories to knock out. Once the show really got underway, Batman started knocking out ace episodes one after another. The Jokers one are the best, natch, but there’s some great stuff from the likes of Two-Face, The Riddler, and especially original creation Harley Quinn. Sure, there’s still some clunkers along the way, like when Batman battles a crazy farmer (“Critters”) or a guy who thinks he’s Zeus (“Fire From Olympus”), but overall the series has a wiz-bang, retro feel to it reminiscent of Indiana Jones or The Rocketeer, just, ya know… with Batman in it.

Batman also marks the beginning of the DC Animated Universe, which I’ll talk about later. I do want to comment on the three animated movies, though. Batman: Mystery of the Batwoman is complete shit and Batman & Mr. Freeze: Sub-Zero is alright, but Batman: Mask of the Phantasm is the third best Batman movie of all time, behind Christopher Nolan’s two films. It explores Batman’s origin, something only touched on in the series (Although both Robins and Batgirl get great origin episodes) while intercutting his attempts to both stop the Phantasm, a more violent vigilante who has taken to murdering gangsters, and to settle down into a normal life.

I like Batman.

Top 10 Episodes:

1. Robin’s Reckoning Parts I-II
2. Harley’s Holiday
3. Almost Got ’Im
4. Riddler’s Reform
5. Harley and Ivy
6. Mudslide
7. Old Wounds
8. Harlequinade
9. Over the Edge
10. Second Chance
    
    

Reflection: Volumes Two and Three are the best. One has growing pains. Four is half-brilliant, half crap.

Hobo With a Shotgun (2011)

Tagline: Rutger Hauer is a…

Curiosity: The Grindhouse trailer helped. But in the end, it all comes down to the title.

Plot: The Hobo (inexplicably played by Rutger Hauer, Blade Runner) is hopping to start a lawnmowing business in Hope Town, but with The Drake (Brian Downey) and his cronies terrorizing the populace, that seems unlikely. After a series of fights, the Hobo finally realizes his destiny and buys a shotgun. He then proceeds to use that shotgun. People lose body parts, etc.

Thoughts: My fiancée and I recently obtained a Netflix account. This makes it a lot easier/cheaper to see movies. It also means I don’t get as mad when the films I eagerly await turn out to be crappy even by SNC’s standards. Hobo With a Shotgun is a very disappointing film, simply because it is not the greatest trashterpiece ever committed to celluloid (or at least digital).

To be fair, Hobo With a Shotgun is on par with Troma’s line of horror films. This movie has buckets of blood and plenty of profanity. It is low, low culture and I know it has a dedicated fanbase. But it never lives up to the hype and anticipation. Hobo began as a joke trailer as part of Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez’s Grindhouse. It actually won an amateur contest to boot, and it was hilarious. When it was announced as a real feature, with Hauer in the lead, well, it looked like maybe the joke would last a little longer.

Sadly, it doesn’t. Hobo has a problem with offering too much all the time. Too much blood. Too much profanity. Too many attempts at being “shocking.” There’s no nuance. No downtime. It’s pure id run rampant. Without any restrictions, it goes into sensory overload.

Reflection: I feel like an old man.

Tucker & Dale vs Evil (2010)

Tagline: When up against pure evil… just giv’er.

Curiosity: Cuz Scott said so.

Plot: A group of sexy college students is on its way to a sexy vacation out in the woods (Because fuck the beach right in its stupid beach face!) when they run into a couple of creepy rednecks named Dale (Tyler Labine) and Tucker (Alan Tudyk, freakin’ Wash from Firefly). As history has taught us, rednecks are got-damn terrifying. When one of the sexy college students (Katrina Bowden) is an accident, the hicks take her body back to their cabin, much to her friends’ horror. It’s up to the survivors, led by Chad (Jesse Moss) to rescue her and kill these godless murdering mountain men.

Or maybe it’s a case of mistaken identity?

Thoughts: Tucker & Dale vs Evil has heart. A lot of heart. In that sense, it’s kind of like a Canadian cousin to Shaun of the Dead; they’re both horror comedies that remember to be gory as well as funny and sweet. It’s a comedy of errors taken to the extreme. Bolstered by endearing performances from the leads, Tucker & Dale is a really good film.

But it’s not quite a great one, if only because writer/director Eli Craig tips his hand in the titular duo’s favor a little too soon. I would have loved if he played up the “socially awkward rednecks = creepy” angle a little more in the beginning before the body count started building.

Still, Tucker & Dale gets a lot of things right. Like how quickly sexy teens jump ahead to murder in horror movies. What the fuck? It’s also one of the few cult films in recent years to earn its laughs. There once was a time when low budget horror flicks could be unintentionally hilarious. In recent years, though, filmmakers have tried beating viewers to the punchline. These films try to laugh at their terribleness, but it just comes off as forced. Tucker & Dale sidesteps this issue entirely. Much like Wrong Turn 2, it offers strong performances that boost the pathos, a script that’s actually decently mapped out, and a nice smattering of gore. It’s a sweet, bloody film about what happens when people can’t communicate.

Reflection: “Oh hidy ho officer, we’ve had a doozy of a day. There we were minding our own business, just doing chores around the house, when kids started killing themselves all over my property.”

Creepshow 2 (1987)

Tagline: When the curtain goes up the terror begins.

Curiosity: It’s a sequel to a much beloved horror film.

Plot: A kid loves Creepshow comic books, so much so that he turns into a cartoon or some shit! While reading a trio of terrifying tales, he also seeks revenge on a gang of bullies!

Thoughts: Creepshow 2 is both superior and inferior to its predecessor. It moves along faster, and its 90-minute running time is a little easier to handle. Much as I love Creepshow, it was a little uneven. Creepshow 2’s stories are all solid, even though there are only three of them this time out. “Old Chief Woodenhead,” about a wooden Native American chief who takes revenge on a some robbers who killed his owner, is a little cheesy, but it packs genuine pathos. “The Raft” used to scare the shit out of me as a kid, and it feels a little too short to me now, it’s still my favorite segment.

“The Raft” has a typical horror movie setup: Four sexy teens go out into the woods to have sexy times, and end up murderized instead. Out in the middle of a lake, they encounter this strange, oil slick-like creature. When it starts devouring the teens one by one, well, shit gets real, until all that’s left is this one guy who’s a total wiener. He gets his comeuppance though.

“The Hitchiker” is the final segment, in which a two-timing wife (Lois Chiles) hits a drifter (Tom Wright) with her car and leaves him for dead… or so she thinks. While its gimmick is a little repetitive (“THANKS FOR THE RIDE LADY!”), it comes closest to recapturing the manic insanity of the original.

George A. Romero, who directed the original, scripted this go-round, and he makes the Tales From the Crypt homage much more apparent by adding a Cryptkeeper-esque host called the Creep, played by Tom Savini and voiced by Joe Silver. The Creep is the only element of the film I don’t like. He’s poorly animated, and the prosthetics used to render him in three dimensions look a little garish for the suburbs. Still, though, Creepshow 2 still delivers plenty of fun for all the ghouls and boils.

Reflection: HEY. HEY LADY. THANKS FOR THE RIDE LADY. THANKS FOR THE RIDE.

Battlestar Galactica (2004-2009)

Tagline: So say we all.

Curiosity: I had a deal with my Science Club cohort Nick Elmer. If he finished the artwork for our EP, Failure Ballads, in time, I would purchase the complete run of Ronald D. Moore’s adaptation of Battlestar Galactica.

Plot: Humanity is fucked. There used to be 12 planets’ worth of people in outer space, but after a devastating attack from their robot enemies, the Cylons, there are just 50,000 people left alive. Leading this ragtag team of not-robots are Commander William Adama (Edwards James Olmos, Blade Runner) and President Laura Roslin (Mary McDonnell, Independence Day). Adama is essentially Space Batman. You do not want to let him down because he is the greatest man who ever lived. Roslin can be a real jerk sometimes, but she has good intentions. Together, they’re trying to find the long mythical 13th human planet, called “Earth.”

Aiding them in this journey are soldier types like Adama’s son Lee (Jamie Bamber), who is kind of a wiener, and Kara Thrase (Katee Sackhoof), who gets shit done but is also kind of crazy. Adama’s executive officer Colonel Saul Tigh (Michael Hogan) is a useless drunk, but he suddenly gets really, really awesome halfway through the show. There are other people too, but I can’t discuss them without in some way giving off spoilers.

Anyway, the Cylons look like people now, which creates problems for the humans. Also hurting their chances of survival: Gaius Baltar (James Callis), the super scientist who accidentally caused the destruction of the 12 planets. Dude is hella amoral.

Thoughts: BATTLESTAR GALACTICA IS ONE OF THE GREATEST SHOWS OF ALL TIME. I LOVE IT. I ALMOST CRIED SEVERAL TIMES WHILE WATCHING IT. YOU NEED TO WATCH THIS SHOW AND LOVE IT TOO.

...

Sorry.

The aughts were all about gritty reboots. Christopher Nolan did it with his Batman films, Ronald D. Moore and David Eick did it with Battlestar Galactica. The series is so many things – socio-political commentary on religion and U.S. involvement in the Middle East, a bitterly realist counterbalance to Star Trek, an emotionally devastating drama about old people – and it works on each of these levels. Seriously, for a show that the writers pretty much made up on the fly, BSG is remarkably solid throughout. Then again, the same can be said for Moore’s other big artistic triumph, Star Trek: Deep Space Nine, so I’m not entirely surprised.

What’s even crazier is that Moore and his team took all the elements from the cheesy original show and made it work, from the religious visions to the search for Earth. Even the human Cylons idea came from Galactia 1980. While Moore gets saddled with some questionable stuff as a result – space jumps were totally stolen from Star Wars and don’t really fit Moore’s “realer is better” rule – the show overall still takes all of creator Glen A. Larson’s ideas from the ’70s and improves them.

But going even further, this is a space serial in the tradition of Buck Rogers or Commando Cody. Almost every episode flows into the next, and the perpetual set of cliffhangers kept me addicted. Of course, it helps that the scripts, actors, and production values. This shows packs a lot of heart ‘n’ action, and asks some big philosophical questions (Namely, where did we come from?). It all builds to such a perfect ending, making the whole show such a satisfying space drama.

Side note: Dude to its success, there has been a few spin-offs for BSG. None so far has been of much importance. Razor, a TV movie, is solid enough, but it’s all told in flashback, which sucks a lot of the tension out. The Plan is another flashback, but given that it ran after the show concluded, its revelations are all beside the point. I haven’t bothered with the prequel series Caprica, but based on the featurette included with BSG, I think I’ll be OK. I am kind of interested in Blood and Chrome, though. It’s a forthcoming prequel series about William Adama during the first Cylon war.

Top 10 Episodes:

1. Unfinished Business
2. Kobol’s Last Gleaming (Parts 1 and 2)
3. Miniseries
4. Water
5. Lay Down Your Burdens (Parts 1 and 2)
6. Daybreak (Parts 1, 2, and 3)
7. Pegasus
8. Exodus (Parts 1 and 2)
9. The Oath
10. Crossroads (Parts 1 and 2)

Reflection: I giggle every time Moore slips in a Star Trek reference.

My Year in Crap 2011

While Saturday Night Crap-o-Rama has always been a side project, a little blog I maintain for fun, I feel like I dropped off a little too much from it in 2011. I only discussed 38 pictures, versus 116 in 2010. PRODUCTIVITY IS DOWN PEOPLE. I have two pretty great excuses, though. Reason of the First: I started this blog when I was unemployed. I have a full time job now. I’m a busy man. And important. And handsome!

Reason of the Second: Branching out to television shows takes a hell of a lot longer. I spent so much time watching science fiction shows this year. While I’m going to get back to movies in 2012, rest assured, I’ve got some lengthy posts in the pipeline.

So I’m sorry, Internet. But I watched 14 seasons of Star Trek in 2011, so I’m not that sorry. Even though it ate into my movie watching time considerably. I missed out on a lot of pictures, like Hugo, Young Adult, but most importantly, Dale and Tucker Versus Evil. That movie looks sweet.

10. The Perfect Host

The last 20 minutes are garbage, but for a while there, The Perfect Host features amazing character work from David Hyde Pierce as a the titular psychopath.

9. Paul

NO ONE ELSE LIKED THIS MOVIE BUT ME.

8. Alien Vs Ninja

The Japanese are weird. On the surface, Alien vs Ninja is a black comic tribute to Alien, but it piles on so many random Japanese-centric oddball humor, from slapstick to trannies to fan service. It’s a weird little picture, but the action is super gory and the story moves along nicely enough.

7. Season of the Witch

Nic Cage’s financial troubles have forced him into working 24/7, which is probably how he ended up as a demon slayer in Season of the Witch. But ya know what? Dude still rocks it, and an assist from Ron Perlman is always welcome. Season of the Witch isn’t the best looking movie by far, but it’s still solid B-movie fun.

6. Captain America: The First Avenger

Captain America felt like a whiz bang throwback to old serials, not unlike director Joe Johnston’s other film, The Rocketeer. My boy Chris Evans finally gets the leading man picture he deserves (Dude was the man in Sunshine), and the whole thing manages to pack in lots of action, sci-fi, and romance.



5. Thor

Director Kenneth Branagh managed to cram tons of mythology, of both the Nordic and Marvel kind, into Thor without sacrificing the film’s sense of fun and action. Yeah, those first 30 minutes move at a rapid fire clip, but once Branagh lays down all the rules, his movie gets to work dazzling and kicking ass, all while slipping in a fair amount of humor. Of course, it helps that cast is game, starting with Chris Hemsworth, who delivers a star-making performance as the titular character, mixing in the arrogance and swagger that makes Thor such a cool character. Also, the guy has great abs. So, that helps.

4. Super 8

The only reason Super 8 isn’t higher on this list is because director J.J. Abrams got a little too cloying with this Spieldberg homage. Also the dude needs to design a new alien. Still, Super 8 is a pretty darn great love letter to cinema, carried by realistic performances from a cast of newcomer child stars.

3. The Guard

Brendan Gleeson and Don Cheadle get politically incorrect in this hilarious buddy cop picture about a local Irish law man and an FBI agent’s quest to take down a drug ring. The Guard is a quirky little picture.

2. The Debt

Jessica Chastain had a pretty awesome year. Sure, I hated Tree of Life, but she was still amazing in it. Same goes for The Debt, an adaptation of a 2007 Israeli thriller of the same name. Essentially two stories in one – about a trio of Israeli spies in search of a Nazi war criminal, and the aftermath of that fateful mission nearly 30 years later – The Debt jumps back and forth in time, revealing how far the Holocaust truly reaches. But for all its dramatic elements, The Debt is also a spy thriller, and it gets pretty damn brutal in places. But the violence never feels gratuitous and unneeded. Rather, this is a film that simply makes the audience feel each blow.

1. Rise of the Planet of the Apes

Rise of the Planet of the Apes should not have been my favorite film of the summer, let alone the year. It’s a CGI-laden rehash of a long dead sci-fi franchise starring James Franco. While I’ll always love Franco for Freaks and Geeks, the guy’s silver screen track record has been dubious. And yet, aside from a few groaning references to the original, Rise is a really, really good movie that stands on its ape-legs.

In retrospect, I realize that Rise is stuffed with sci-fi/fantasy ringers. John Lithgow (Harry and the Hendersons), Brian Cox (X2: X-Men United!!), and Tom Felton (Draco Malfoy from the “Harry Potter” series) all turn in excellent character work. And then there’s the magnificent Andy Serkis (Lord of the Rings, King Kong) as a chimp named Caesar. The guy is one of the greatest physical actors of all time, and it all comes back to the art of mime.

At the same time, Rise has a legitimately compelling plot. It explains the initial seeds that led to the original Planet of the Apes, but it is first and foremost a commentary on animal rights. Other high class reboots of low art pieces have gotten more acclaim (Batman, Battlestar Galactica), but Rise is very much in their league.

The Shooting (1966)

Tagline: Suspenseful desert pursuit in the High Noon tradition.

Curiosity: Director Monte Hellman went to make Two-Lane Blacktop, one of the greatest movies of all time.

Plot: A cowboy (the mighty Warren Oates) is hired to help a mystery woman make her way through the desert. NOTHING HAPPENS.

Thoughts: The Shooting is supposed to be a sort of existential Western. Two-Lane Blacktop is like that as well, and while the films are said to be rich in feeling, they also don’t have much going on in terms of plot. They’re sparse, dialogue-driven pictures. I mention these things because Two-Lane Blacktop held me riveted. The Shooting put me to sleep. My theory is simple: Criterion re-released Two-Lane; I bought The Shooting bundled with another of Helman’s Westerns, Ride the Whirlwind, for at a dollar store. Clearly, one of these is going to have crisp visuals and clear audio, and one of them was put out on the cheap with Jack Nicholson’s face on the cover, even though he plays the fourth most prominent character.

I started Saturday Night Crap-o-Rama to celebrate cult films and talk shit on odious crap. I really, really wanted to like The Shooting, but the quality of the DVD I purchased was dreadful. SNC thrives on low budget films, but they still need to be preserved for folks to appreciate them. Criterion needs show Hellman some more love and give The Shooting some much needed remastering.

Based on its reputation, I’m hoping for good things. Last year, I went through a strong Westerns phase. While I didn’t care much for spaghetti Westerns like Clint Eastwood’s “Man With No Name” trilogy, I loved John Ford and John Wayne’s collaboration The Searchers.

Reflection: FUCK YEAH WARREN OATES.

Tales From the Crypt / The Vault of Horror (1972-73)

Tagline: Death lives in the vault of horror! / Everything that makes life worth leaving!

Curiosity: Edgar Wright loves ’em.

Plots: In Tales from the Crypt, a group of British tourists get lost while checking out an underground crypt. Trapped in a strange and ancient altar, they meet a familiar looking hooded figure who reveals their future…

Meanwhile, in Vault of Horror, the same thing happens again, only with five dudes trapped in a basement because the elevator doesn’t work.

Thoughts: By today’s standards, Tales From the Crypt is a little slow and technically simplistic. Aside from a few fleeting neat-o makeup effects, it’s a very dry horror film. But the anthology faithfully recreates several of EC Comics’ finest horror stories (Even though they’re not all strictly from Tales From the Crypt the comic book). I’m so used to horror films that jolt me, but Tales actually works by honoring its namesake and delivering lots of twists.

Obviously, I can’t go into detail, but the five vignettes shown each contain a nice twist that makes them worth viewing. While these scenes aren’t necessarily “scary,” they establish a nice mood, and the twists usually are kind of clever. While the overall story of the tourists is meant to just be connective tissue linking the vignettes, a final twist actually them all to a rather satisfying conclusion.

Vault of Horror follows the same template, so it suffers a little by comparison. It recycles the final twist, more or less, only this time I saw it coming well in advance. It’s also less technically accomplished. Oh sure, there are more instances of special effects, but certain scenes suffer from technical limitations of the era, as well as censorship. Yeah, Tales looks a little fake in spots (Joan Collins’ scene has some of the worst neon-colored fake blood I have ever seen), but that movie still holds up way better.

Reflection: “AND THEN?!”

Rammbock: Berlin Undead (2010)

Tagline: You can run, but you can’t hide.

Curiosity: It’s Scott-approved.

Plot: Michael (Michael Fuith) is a balding, desperate man trying to get back together with his ex in Berlin. Harper (Theo Trebs) is just a kid working on some remodeling… in Michael’s ex’s apartment. The two get caught in a zombie outbreak (ain’t that always the way?), and it’s up to the resourceful Harper and the deeply stupid Michael to find a way out of Berlin.

Thoughts: At just over an hour in length, Rammbock doesn’t have much time to mess around, and its script is appropriately, if somewhat underwhelmingly, tight. Granted, the arc of a zombie movie is pretty much set in place, but Rammbock does little to explain this fantastical thing that’s happening. Characters don’t really develop. The people just kind of roll with it; in a way, Rammbock feels like a lesser Demons, in that a bunch of Europeans encounter these horribly nightmarish scenarios and just accept them.

But while Rammbock doesn’t make a whole lost of sense, its brisk pacing means there’s little filler. It also forces its characters into extremes: Michael is thoroughly useless, thanks partially to his blind devotion to his ex; Harper has the wits to escape, but he’s stuck with this sad sack. I’m not gonna lie; my fiancée and I had a blast ripping on Michael. Fuck you, Michael. You’re stupid and ugly.

Reflection: I love how it’s only an hour long, and my fiancée still fell asleep during Rammbock.

The 36th Chamber of Shaolin (1978)

Tagline: Widely considered to be the greatest kung fu flick of all time.

Curiosity: Just look at the tagline. Also it heavily influenced Wu-Tang Clan. So, there’s that.

Plot: Spurred by his teacher, San Te (Gordon Liu) joins a group of insurgents looking to overthrow Qing rule. He’s quickly found out, though, and his father sacrifices himself to allow San Te to escape. Eventually, he ends up studying martial arts at a Shaolin temple. Over the course of a year-plus, he studies the 35 chambers of Shaolin in the hopes of liberating his town.

Thoughts: 36th Chamber has a reputation for being a gory, but artistically impressive, kung fu flick. It almost earns that reputation in 2011. It is indeed surprisingly bloody for a ’70s flick. While it’s certainly not on the torture porn side of things, the use of blood gives the film a certain amount of grit lacking in a genre that emphasizes showmanship over realism.

Not that it doesn’t have its flash. 36th Chamber packs plenty of fight scenes. While it goes through a considerable dry spell in its second hour, the action is solid throughout. The battles get brutal, but tastefully so. They’re not the best I’ve ever seen, but they certainly held my attention. But these things are to be expected. What sets 36th Chamber apart is its training section.

Generally speaking, training scenes in kung fu movies are filler. That’s why you don’t see them in Bruce Lee movies. They murder the pacing, both in terms of plot and visuals. But they do pad out the running time. If you want to know why kung fu movies run two hours when Western B-movie actioners run 90 minutes, there’s your answer right there. 36th Chamber, however, is actually at its strongest during this section. We see San Te achieve a peace who couldn’t find as a rebellious youth, and the exercises he practices actually kind of make sense. Other kung fu flicks pull shit out of their asses when their protagonists learn some devastating new move; 36th Chamber actually emphasizes practical tests.

After this portion, though, the film kind of stalls. San Te returns to his hometown and gets his revenge, but the movie keeps going towards a fourth act that feels superfluous. Still, I get why this film is so lauded.

Reflection: The subtitles on my DVD call the main character “San Ta.” Just one of many mistranslations.

Drunken Master (1978)

Tagline: Gettin’ shitty ta-night? [NOTE: This is not the real tagline.]

Curiosity: It’s the movie that launched Jackie Chan’s career.

Plot: Wong Fei-hung (Chan) is a dedicated student to kung fu, but his wayward ways get him into too much trouble for his father (Lam Kau) to handle. When Fei-hung brings shame on his family (by, uh, hitting on his cousin…), his c-c-c-c-c-crazy uncle Beggar Su Hua Chi (Yuen Siu-tien) is brought in to teach some discipline. But when the assassin Thunderleg (Hwang Jang Lee) seeks a hit on Wong’s father, things get serious and/or drunken!

Thoughts: While I respect Drunken Master for the influence it had on future action stars like Stephen Chow (Kung Fu Hustle, Shaolin Soccer) and Tony Jaa (Ong-Bak, The Protector), I kind of found myself drifting off halfway through the film. The first 30 minutes are some pretty strong comedy/action, as Chan goes through a series of fight ‘n’ physical comedy set pieces. In fact, as great as Chan is at martial arts, I’d argue he’s an even better comedian. Drunken Master’s humor is pretty broad, but Chan throws himself completely into the part.

But the funniest passages also slow down the flick, which then descends into an endless series of training scenes. Them shits is not funny at all. Worse, the whole concept of a “drunken master” barely enters the script until the final 20 minutes. That’s when Wong learns the art of using a staggering fighting pose to deceive opponents. While it allows Chan to segue back into physical comedy again, the idea of having Wong pretend to be drunk is incredibly forced. I get that his character is trying to set a trap for his opponent, but it comes so far out of left field, and is then so obvious, that I don’t understand why anyone would fall for it. Considering the drunken master technique is supposed to be the crux of the movie, that’s a big problem. Drunken Master would be a great movie if it came in at 90 minutes, but at two hours it’s just too bloated.

Reflection: CASE RACE!

Red Heat (1988)

Tagline: Moscow’s toughest detective. Chicago’s craziest cop. There’s only one thing more dangerous than making them mad: making them partners.

Curiosity: I’m a big Schwarzenegger fan despite his sex scandal, but I somehow never saw Red Heat before now.

Plot: Moscow narcotics officer Ivan Danko (Schwarzenegger) is in (red) hot pursuit of the gangster Viktor Rostavili (Ed O’Ross), literally. He tracks the guy to a sweat lodge in the middle of nowhere. It’s like super hot in there, which is why all these muscley guys look super sweaty in the opening scene. It’s also why they’re only wearing, um… loincloths.

ANYWAY. Viktor escapes to America after killing Danko’s partner. Danko follows him to Chicago, where he gets partnered up with Jim Belushi (Played with great commitment by the actual Jim Belushi). Belushi is all like “I’m Eastern European-American! What could I possibly talk to this Eastern European about?! Also I like boobs and hamburgers!”

Danko and Belushi are so ethnically different! How are they gonna catch the bad guy?!

[SPOILER ALTERT]: Guns. They do it with guns.

Thoughts: I don’t know if I’m just getting older, but I did not care for Red Heat. Maybe I’ve just seen too many buddy cop movies, but Red Heat’s attempts at presenting Danko and Belushi as polar opposites is too much. It’s also horribly dated by its stereotyping. Rush Hour pokes fun at the Chinese, and there will surely be Chinese stereotypes to play on in the future, but Russian Communism fell apart two years after Red Heat came out. All those lazy jokes don’t work anymore.

Another problem with the film comes from the casting: Belushi feels so thoroughly useless throughout the movie. He doesn’t show up until about 20 minutes in, and never really does anything important. Schwarzenegger was/is the bigger star then/now, but hot-dang; Belushi literally contributes nothing to the movie besides shitty one-liners.

Still, this is classic Brownschwagger here. Arnie gets to kick ass and look cool throughout, and that opening scene in the sweat lodge really does look awesome/homoerotic.

Reflection: Shoulda cast Danny DeVito. That guy knows how to play off of Arnold.

The Serpent and The Rainbow (1988)

Tagline: Don’t bury me… I’m not dead!

Curiosity: Bill Pullman (Independence Day!!!) gets a nail driven through his wiener.

Plot: After totally meeting his spirit animal, anthropologist Dennis Alan (Pullman) is sent to Haiti by a pharmaceutical company to research a drug that turns people into zombies. Not so much Romero zombies as voodoo zombies. This drug, called tetrodotoxin, creates the appearance of death – recipients show an extremely low pulse and no reaction to stimuli. It also robs them of their free will, turning them into slaves. When Alan attracts attention from the local zombie drug kingpin (Zakes Mokae), he’ll have to use his wits AND his spirit animal to get out alive.

ALSO HE GETS NAILED IN THE PENIS.

Thoughts: PENIS.

Sorry, sorry. The Serpent and The Rainbow features one of the most uncomfortable scenes I’ve ever witnessed, but it’s surprisingly low on gore. If anything, it’s more of a drama than it is a horror movie, which perhaps makes it more effective. There are some fantasy elements thrown in, as Mokae summons up black magic and what-not, but it’s mostly about one man’s war against a drug dealer. There just happens to be some voodoo involved along the way.

In that sense, Serpent is one of Craven’s more modest films. It’s not aggressively frightening. But it has these flashes of disturbing images that really pack a punch. The most intense of which is, of course, Pullman’s wang getting crucified. We don’t actually see anything (As of opposed to Hostel 2, where we see everything), but man does Pullman scream like it’s real. The following scene, in which he gets dumped on the street in his bloody underwear, sells the rest of it. Scary movies prey on our deepest fears; one of mine involves getting nailed in the junk.

As for the rest of the flick, it’s solid. It’s a little slow and not quite as compelling as some of Craven’s other films, but it’s got a strong script and a decent cast. Not my favorite zombie movie, but I dug it.

Reflection: PENIS.